What qualities in men are “deal breakers” for women considering a relationship? Conversely, what are on men’s lists?
In every relationship there are limits or “deal breakers” if you will. Everyone has got them—spoken or unspoken—and most guys only find them out after they have crossed one of these undeclared boundaries. A lot of women feel like they are no-brainers and shouldn’t even have to be uttered but, for argument sake, let’s lay them out on the table anyway.
I polled 20 women and certain themes emerged:
- Lying
- Cheating
- Stealing (you would be surprised how many women told me this has happened to them)
- If he EVER hits, shoves or in any way raises his hands to you in anger
- Already has kids that he doesn’t take care of or see
- Doesn’t want kids and you do or vice versa
- Workaholic or unemployed (equally undesirable apparently)
- Lazy/unmotivated
- Never wants to go anywhere with you
- Never pays for anything/cheap
- Cries too much
- Bad in bed/no chemistry
- Inability to communicate
- Does not have a mind of their own/not passionate about anything/doesn’t have their own opinions
- Negative attitude
- Lives with parents
- Not close to family
I have to say, I was a little surprised by some of the responses but I respect that everybody has their individual limits. It is important to know what they are when you enter into a relationship because you can’t expect someone else to respect your boundaries if you don’t even know what they are. You also can’t expect anyone to read your mind. If you don’t let your partner know what the lines are, they may inadvertently cross them.
There were a few things that I found extremely interesting in my research. I actually eliminated a few women from the poll because they had no deal breakers. This was tragic in my mind because it means that they will tolerate anything just to be in a relationship. Sadly, some people would rather put up with just about anything than be alone.
The other thing that both fascinated and disturbed me was how contradictory women’s own responses were. They want a man who is a hard worker but has enough time to be with them (and potentially a family). He can’t be lazy but can’t be a workaholic, either. They want someone who is close to his family but not too close (no mama’s boys). They want someone who communicates and is in touch with his feelings but he can’t cry too much.
This took me off in a whole other direction! I started asking men the same questions and here is what they had to say were their deal breakers:
- Smoking
- Needy
- Too independent
- Always fussing and primping/pays too much attention to their looks
- Out of shape/doesn’t take care of themselves
- Know it all
- Dumb
- Can’t support themselves/contribute financially to the relationship or marriage (but the same man confessed to me that he also feels emasculated when his partner makes more than he does)
- Not saying what they want/mean and expecting us to figure it out
- Jealousy
- Bad teeth
So, men wanted their partners to be independent but not too independent. They want them to be attractive but not so attractive that it is costly or time consuming. Smart but not smarter than they are and they want her to make a nice living (but preferably not more than he makes). Although these disparities existed among both sexes, they were significantly less common among men.
This started me thinking that we really don’t know what we want and we are imposing an awful lot of “rules” on each other for people who don’t know our own rules. When I began writing this article, I intended it to be sort of fun, goofy, and full of fluff. I was expecting the responses to be more reasonable. It wasn’t until I noticed the patterns that it became so much more. It turned into a revelation about our expectations in relationships, my own included. My deal breakers have always been lying and cheating but once I heard some of the other responses, I realized I contradict myself, too. For example, I have always respected a man who works hard because I work hard. However, it is really important to me to be with a man who makes time for his family. It is pretty difficult to find a balance in those two traits—even in my own life. I’m not suggesting it’s impossible but it can be challenging.
Is it really any wonder our divorce rates are so high? If we don’t know what we want when we enter into these relationships, how can we really expect them to succeed? Are we setting ourselves up to fail? How reasonable are your deal breakers?
Read more: Stop Lying in Your Personal Ads
Image credit: thekeithhall/Flickr
I noticed it too, that we can want the impossible. My ex always told me he expected me to be an extreme clean housewife, but now he has one and now he complains that she doesn’t want to get a job. No, someone who cleans the whole day through doesn’t also get the money in, she’s an old fashioned housewife of course and I always worked and provided. And I didn’t like that he wasn’t more sensitive. Now I dated a guy who is not bossy and who is sensitive and I complain he isn’t a leader like my ex… Read more »
Asking a few people their opinion is not research. Please stop calling this stuff research, it implies a validity that it doesn’t have and people try to use it to justify their positions on things. If you asked a few friends, say that you asked a few friends. There is plenty of real research out there on what men and women want in relationships and you can find it easily by searching google scholar.
Granted, the sample size could have been larger but there were time constraints. However, those polled were random (not friends). I didn’t submit it to a peer review journal, I submitted it to a site that promotes these types of thought-provoking discussions 🙂
If he or she disses Star Wars…that’s a big deal breaker for me. I also don’t trust anyone who doesn’t own books (unless they;re a vagrant) ,so …no books = dealbreaker.
I’m a very simple woman. Yeah, I guess lying would suck,too. In a monogamous relationship, I’d consider cheating to be synonymous with lying.
I don’t think completely crossing someone off just because they don’t dig Star Wars means you’re a very simple woman :p
No woman mentioned height. Most women have height requirements, say, they wont date a guy below 5’10”
Sadly, this is true in many cases. I have actually been turned down by a few women because of my height. Well, that is the reason they told me. I am only 5’2″ so basically most women are going to be taller than me.
5’2″ is outside the normal range, if you ask me. Good luck trying to find women who’d find you acceptable. I wouldn’t hold it against women for rejecting men who are shorter than them. Its fine. Statistically the mean/median height for men is 4-5 inches taller than women. So its ok if a woman wants a guy who is 4-5 inches taller than her. The problem is women who are 5’1″ themselves and want a guy no less than 5’11”. Plenty of short women have that 6 foot / 5’11” rule and routinely overlook men with medium height, who are… Read more »
I hope I will find a woman who can overlook my height. I personally do not understand the whole height criteria. I would date a woman over 6 feet tall. To me, height just is not important. Being so concerned about height just seems so superficial. I feel that many women are over looking decent guys just because he is below average in height. Though, while I do not agree with it, I can see why a woman who is 5’9″ would prefer a guy who is at least 5’11”. It is expected in this culture, which I find sexist,… Read more »
I can easily answer this one for you. I’m 5’9″. I could never date anyone shorter than I am. It’s not because I don’t find them attractive (and believe me, I find PLENTY of men shorter than I am attractive), it’s because when I’m with a guy who’s shorter than I am, I feel butch, regardless of how feminine I am. I feel enormous. I feel like a scary Amazon woman. I feel like by default (probably society’s imprint in our mind of sexual dimorphism and power) I need to be wearing the pants. I’m always aware of it. As… Read more »
Wow, I never said I prefer a woman taller than myself. You are putting words in my mouth. I will date a woman much shorter than me or much taller than me. I really don’t care. Height is so ridiculous and superficial to be worried about.
After reading many of these responses and many dating profiles, I think it is just better to be single. What constitutes dating a relationships sounds incredibly unhealthy.
Liz
Its more likely that women who are 5’2″ and below dont want him in the first place, because they want and can easily get men who are 5’9″ and above. You women folk are hung up on height, not men. You are much more shallow in this regard. And I can sense an extreme reluctance on your part to acknowledge it.
When it comes to physical characteristics, I think women are more likely to compromise when they meet someone special. Personally, I’d want to date a taller man, but I’ve dated short men as well. If we like ‘the person’ we can overlook some of those ‘must haves’.
Mak, lets just be honest. Men are a lot more forgiving to women on their height. Being short only adversely affects a man’s desirability not a woman’s. So men dont have to OVERLOOK and COMPROMISE on a woman’s height to begin with.
Hm, I don’t know about being unemployed as a deal breaker. What if a guy is unemployed because he is disabled? I know many guys who are on disability and can’t work. I am also a guy who lives with his parents. I probably will be moving out by this summer as I found a couple of apartments that I can afford. However, my parents are getting old. I might move back in with them to care for them in old age. What is so wrong about living with one’s parents? I love my parents dearly and would want to… Read more »
That brings us back to the original point a little bit. Women often complain if a man lives with his parents yet they listed that they want a man that prioritizes family.
Were these and other contradictory answers frequently given by the same people? Because if they’re appearing on separate lists, they aren’t really contradictions, just indications that different people have different dealbreakers. Also, this particular example doesn’t seem like a contradiction to me, when viewed as a rejection of either extreme of a working man. Whether accurate or not, the stereotype of a man living with parents is an unemployed moocher, or at least not making enough to support himself, much less a family. The stereotype of the man who doesn’t prioritize family is one who works so much he has… Read more »
This and many other examples of opposing views were expressed by the same individuals. I see your point but, in speaking to the women, some specifically expressed issues about wanting men to not live at home for fear that they would be “mama’s boys”. Some of those women then went on to say they want the man to be close to his family (as well as hers and, potentially, their collective family one day). In that respect, it seemed almost hypocritical to me.
It can definitely be contradictory or hypocritical, but it depends on how well our assumptions match up with what the respondents meant. For example, “mama’s boy” has a different connotation to me than just “close to his mom”. I think that phrase usually denotes a man who is *too* close to his mom, as in craving and needing her approval, potentially siding with her over his wife, lacking boundaries about how much daily contact there is, and so on. Like Ray in “Everybody Loves Raymond”. “Mama’s boy” can also be used as something closer to a term of endearment, and… Read more »
The big issue is that it just isn’t a realistic demand in this economy. We’ve been going on six years now where it is unlikely that any man under 25 (and in some places, 30) will be able to afford a place of his own. The housing crash forced too many people into the rental market, driving those prices up. Unemployment is dismal at that age bracket, and wages have stagnated for 30 years now (in no small part due to the increase in labor provided by women’s entrance into that market).
As someone who is unemployed at the moment due to illness, I do feel that shame bigtime, it’s the reason I don’t really hit on women. Nearly all women I hear of want someone with a job who is independent. I wouldn’t need her money, the sad thing is a gf would probably help heal me up quite a lot.
Most importantly, I hope you get well or at least feel better soon. For what my opinion is worth, I really don’t think you should let it deter you – the right person won’t care. In this economy, many people are out of work. Dates don’t have to be elaborate to be great. Some of the best dates I’ve been on involved picnics in the park or outdoor movies/concerts for free. If your health issues are chronic, as many are, you should not be destined to a life alone as a result. Everyone has baggage. Don’t let it determine the… Read more »
Thanks for the response, part of the issue is that it’s a mental illness (social anxiety disorder) so it can make people think I am just lazy. But generally when people get to know me they understand it’s not by choice and luckily many seem to be understanding.
Thank you all for the very stimulating conversation that has ensued. I hope you will keep your comments coming.
My deal breaker is lack of vitality and lack of sense of humor. I can’t deal with someone that take everything in life too serious.
Abuse for sure (even early signs of it) including emotional, physical and neglect. And cheating by MY definition not society’s definition. And drug and alcohol problems. I have a pretty high tolerance for most anything else.
I am curious to know what your definition of cheating is…
I’m curious, too. How would you define cheating?
The way I see it: If a woman doesn’t accept me for who I am and thinks I need to change any part of myself, that’s a dealbreaker. If I don’t accept a woman for who she is and think she needs to change any part of herself, that’s a dealbreaker. Pretty simple.
You hit the nail right on the head!
My dealbreaker would be a man who made sweeping generalizations about who I was based on the number of people I’ve slept with.
:)!!!!!
DJ
I hope you end up with a man with a past so colorful and wild that he wont have any issues with yours.
i hope she ends up with someone who loves her for who she is.
I think the issue isn’t how many men or women you have slept with, its WHY. Can be a sign of a life fully lived or it can be a sign of inability to keep a relationship going. Or a million other things.
You see? This is why relatively few men bothered answering the questions on dealbreakers.
If this were actually a male space, such questions could be asked and answered. But it’s not — the women who read this site feel entitled to mock and rant. So honesty answers become impossible.
in no particular order:
smoking, lack of purpose and self-awareness, disinterest in nature/outdoors, unethical, far right-wing, no sexual chemistry, negativity, no imagination/ingenuity, lack of interest in physical/mental health, no spirit of generosity
🙂
I don’t think the women’s responses are especially “contradictory”. Basically most women want balance. As do the men. That’s really what these lists reflect. Although, I do find a lot of men can be a bit unfair on the “someone that stays in shape/takes care of themselves” catagories. It’s not unfair to want someone to be in shape however I find that men largely focus on this disproportionately to what they want from women about focusing on their own looks. So it seems that women are really just suppose to keep up the facade that our looks shouldn’t be important… Read more »
In my book, I talk about having soft limits and hard limits when it comes to dating and relationships. Soft limits are the stuff you don’t like but can compromise on (within reason). Hard limits are deal breakers that you simply can’t tolerate; putting up with them is repulsive to you. They are there to ensure your safety and happiness. As you say in your article, not having dealbreakers in a relationship is tragic; it means you’ll put up with anything just to be with someone. However, having too many dealbreakers could also mean you’ll be single for a very… Read more »
I do think it is tragic to be completely without boundaries. That is not to say that every boundary is a deal breaker but we all have to know our limits. I think to wing it is a slippery slope.
Are people so risk-averse that a “slippery slope” and whatever risk it entails is now “tragic”? Good lord. I spend a lot more time thinking about what attracts me than I do defining what I won’t put up with. I’d much rather discover my limits by bumping into them than live a narrow life constrained by what I imagine my boundaries must be.
Mine would be irritability. Just annoyed all the time. That is a sign of something having gone WAY off the rails. Maybe my fault, maybe not. But a lifetime of irritated? No thanks.
It’s not about assigning blame-it’s just about what works for you. I don’t expect to find the perfect guy. I’ll be lucky to find someone that might be perfect for me-and that might mean he’s got a ton of quirks (hopefully they’ll match up well with mine). 🙂
I think it’s fairly common and very frustrating when people discover that someone who satisfied all their deal-breakers before marriage, no longer does after. As one example, smoking was one of my dealbreakers not because I think smokers are terrible people, but because my mom smoked and died an early death from lung cancer so it’s just something I want to steer away from, not to mention I hate being around smoke so I want to be with someone I don’t mind being around. Well, my first wife was an ex-smoker who had quit several years before we dated, and… Read more »
Ironically, this exact issue came up during my poll with one of the people who is married. A family member had died of lung cancer and he listed this as his only dealbreaker. When I questioned him, I asked if he would leave his wife and kids over it above all other things and he firmly replied, “yes”. So, while I didn’t quite understand at the time, I have begun to appreciate that response more and more.
I asked if he would leave his wife and kids over it above all other things and he firmly replied, “yes”.
I would expect a man with that view on smoking to take the kids with him, or at least make an earnest effort to do so, and not deliberately leave them to hang around the cancer-inducing smoker.
My wife smokes, but she did when I met her. I haven’t touched a cigarette in 25 years. I wish she would quit, it’s not good for her and she knows that. But obviously there were so many stronger positives and connections between us that smoking was not a deal killer. I drank alcohol when we met. I started drinking heavier and heavier. Finally, a couple of years ago, my wife told me she didn’t want to watch me killing myself. My drinking was becoming a deal breaker for her. So I quit drinking and haven’t had a drop since.… Read more »
I agree but I think so many people struggle with change that it, in and of itself, can sometimes be a deal breaker. That may be why a great deal of marriages don’t stand the test of time.
I guess there are up-front dealbreakers, and then there are back-breakers, as in straws that will break the camel’s back. Smoking was an up front dealbreaker for me, where I would not have pursued dating and marriage with my first wife had she been actively smoking when we started. If our marriage had then gone extremely well and in a moment of stress/weakness, she started smoking again, I would have had problems with that, but probably wouldn’t sacrifice all the good stuff because of smoking again. I would have urged her to quit, though, and if she couldn’t, it would… Read more »
This is easy: Disloyalty – if she takes someone else’s side in public, even if I’m wrong. Infidelity, too. Insecurity regarding why I like her – shouldn’t matter, only that I do. Discomfort doing the sex acts I really like – even if she does them grudgingly, she won’t forever. No father, or a bad relationship with the one she has – she’ll have issues with men. Having slept with more than 10 men- Obvious. Hand/blow jobs don’t count, but I’m nobody’s fool. She has kids – She already failed to keep one man. That says something, like it or… Read more »
Having slept with more than 10 men- Obvious. Hand/blow jobs don’t count, but I’m nobody’s fool.
5, 10 or 50. What matters more is who those men were, rather than the number. What if those 10 men were way better looking and desirable than you?
Thank you, Tim! Kind of a high bar there…
or low…glass half-empty or half-full…
I’ve never understood worrying about a woman’s number. In my mind if she wasn’t interested in having sex much before, then she really won’t be that interested after marriage. I would think that a woman who has slept with more men would probably have more sex after marriage than one who has not.
I could see how someone might think that but a woman may have only been with a few men but (possibly in long-term relationships, etc) may have had sex daily. In other words, the amount of sex is not comparable to the number of partners. You may find she may actually be far more experience than someone who has had a hundred one night stands.
Sorry, but the more partners then the more experiences, techniques, or “moves” one will be exposed to. A woman in an LTR might have more sex total, but it will be the same type/style/methods of sex, just by having the same partner.
You don’t understand it. That’s fine. These are MY dealbreakers. You don’t have to understand them. You don’t even have to agree with them. I have a god damned right to them, despite what some of the people here claim.
I don’t care who those men were. I care that she has some self control. Because at some point, she’s going to be with me and still feel the urge to sleep with another man. I want a woman who has the ability to resist that temptation. Women who refuse to exhibit self control as a single, isn’t going to suddenly discover the discipline to do that when she’s not single anymore.
Ok. Let me get this straight. You meet the woman of your dreams and she is compatible with you in every way possible. You fall madly in love with each other. Then she confesses that before she met you, she got lonely one night and Heaven forbid, she slept with man #11. So this somehow turns her from marrying material into a slut? Now you are going to break up with her? That is one of the most asinine things I can imagine. If it was me, and she confessed that she had worked at the Bunny Ranch for a… Read more »
I think he, or at least others who’ve talked about it are more worried about not being good enough for HER sexually vs thinking of her as spoiled goods. For me the only worry I have is STI’s so as long as she’s healthy it’s ok.
That is why I ended with the insecurity complex. I think a lot of men worry that they are not as good as some of her previous lovers. Kind of like trying to compare apples to oranges, but even between two people, the quality and intensity of sex varies a lot anyway. Sometimes my wife and I have fantastic toe-curling sex and other times it is just okay. Depends on so many factors. As far as STIs and health goes, I was assuming that any sane relationship would start off with safe sex only until the status of both parties… Read more »
Maybe, instead of simply assuming that you know how a man thinks, putting a little bit of thought into all of the alternatives to your pet theory. Perhaps that wouldn’t give you the opportunity to reach your internet of quota of snide insults, but it might give you a deeper insight into the human condition.
In the future: make fewer assumptions about people and circumstances you don’t know. It’ll make you a better man, if nothing else.
do guys really think we remember all of our past partners and compare them with our current ones? if we like the sex we’re getting from our current partner it’s pretty easy to forget the ones in the past! it’s not like we’re laying there thinking “hm, i liked the way brian did this better, and dan had a bigger dick, but troy was more sensual…” uh, no. just stop.
“Let me get this straight” — the surest sign that someone on the internet is going to reword everything you’ve said because you ticked them off (and not because they have any legitimate argument). To be quite frank, I’m not sure how this string of insults and personal attacks made it through moderation. But let me say this: I have the right to date or not date someone based on any criteria I choose. I don’t want someone who sleeps around — I’ve been sexually active since I was 14. I have managed to keep the numbers of partners I’ve… Read more »
“She has kids – She already failed to keep one man. That says something, like it or not.”
Or the partner died, or they were abusive so she had to leave, etc. Don’t take too much interest in that.
No matter what, you’re only going to hear their side of things. You won’t get an accurate account of what happened (you’d might be surprised what some women consider ‘abuse’; getting into an argument, disagreements over spending habits, not automatically doing whatever they say). All you can be sure of is that she had a partner, and now she doesn’t. For every abused woman, there are twenty who simply pushed her man out of her (and often, her kid’s) life.
Rudeness toward service workers – I won’t even be friends with someone who acts like that.
indeed, how someone regularly(as everyone can have off-days) treats those in a subordinate position, that they dont have to treat well at all. for me, is a mark of their character
Disloyalty – if she takes someone else’s side in public, even if I’m wrong
Really? So for you, at partner should back you up, no matter how much nonsense you talk? Claim the moonlanding was a fake? She’s gotta agree. Claim Steven Spielberg directed Star Wars? Yes, Sir.
Because heaven forbid she actually knows something, not to mention more than you.
To me, that kind of “loyalty” would be a dealbreaker. I want to be around people who can hold their own and stand up for themselves.
If they disagree, let them do it in private. Taking disagreements public indicates disloyalty. It isn’t a matter of ‘holding one’s own’, it’s a matter of partnership. You don’t contradict or disagree with one-another in public. I want a partner, not a sparing partner.
Also missing is anything related to physical appearance. But its not surprising since everyone (women in particular) like to downplay the importance of looks.
my Dealbreakers for women
——
smoker
politically conservative
out of shape/doesn’t take care of themselves
dumb
jealousy (kind of goes with needy in my book)
nag
can’t support themselves/contribute financially to the relationship
inablity to apologize or admit when they’re wrong about something
can’t cook
abusive/violent/crazy when arguing
no BJs
no illegal drugs
drinks too much when drinking
racist
no sense of humor
——-
I’d like to hear your definition of “wide demographic”
Sure Jimbo. My definition of “wide demographic” in this case was all ethnicities, socioeconomic backgrounds, various professions (including unemployed in one case), married, single, divorced, and ages ranging from 20’s to 50’s.
Good list, Jimbo. It is similar to what I would have written. I would probably bump the jealousy one up to the top. I had a live in GF years ago who was so bad, it was like getting grilled by the Gestopo when I got home from running to the store. How many affairs can you have in 10 minutes? Politically conservative – good one. When my wife and I were dating, she stated that she was a registered Republican. My jaw just about hit the floor until she explained she only did that to mess with their primaries… Read more »
List wasn’t in any particular order. “I had a live in GF years ago who was so bad, it was like getting grilled by the Gestopo when I got home from running to the store. How many affairs can you have in 10 minutes?” My first girlfriend’s (who was very jealous) mother would do that to her father. The first time I saw her interrogate him about a 10 minute trip to 7-11 for ice cream (that she requested!) was when I knew I had to get out of that relationship even if it meant never having a GF again… Read more »
This is something that makes me doubt the sample used.
60% of male voters vote Republican. To have any significant amount of people list “too conservative” as a dealbreaker (for men dealing with women) could indicate an unrepresentative sample.
I think one of the biggest deal breakers for many men would be a woman who has had her fun, given that the man in question never got to have his.
I think most men want a woman with a SIMILAR sexual past.
Interesting. I never thought about similar sexual past being a priority before but that’s a good point. As women, we are raised to believe differently sometimes. Thank you for making that point.
Its surprising this didnt come up in the survey you conducted. This is a big issue.
Sex came up and was mentioned but not specifically comparable sexual histories or pasts. I think the myth is that men want someone virginal or less experienced than they are when, in fact, that is not always the case.
Because….heaven forbid the female have more sexual experiences than the male… Hello 1930s, didn’t expect to see you here…
I doubt most fears has anything to do with male vs female but more along the lines of someone having relatively little experience compared to someone who’s had a huge amount, or 1 partner vs 10 where they feel insecure that they may not be good enough in bed. The fears I see mostly are performance anxiety.
Atypical
why would a woman want to be with a man who was such a loser that he didnt get to have his fun and get laid enough?
You make it sound like it’s all planned, like planning a fun party. If i’m older than my partner, I will, without a doubt, have been with more people than he has. I’ve had 6 boyfriends in my life, one was a virgin, two had only been with two people, two had been with less than 10 people, and one had been with over 50. I did not think my virgin or near virgin boyfriends were losers. it was fun to teach them new things also. not having a big sexual past doesn’t make you a loser and i wonder… Read more »
No one has said “too different a sense of humor” or “too different a viewpoint on the world” for either sex which, to my mind, is the most important quality to look for in a potential partner. If you can’t talk or joke about things on the same wavelength then what’s the point? I can cope with bad teeth and being unemployed if he thinks the same way I do!
I agree! Again, I wish you were around when I was polling people 🙂
You don;t mention how many men you polled… I’d be curious…
Interesting that the men do not mention infidelity, or at least, you don’t list that that I saw. Makes me wonder what cross-section of men you chose as your sample. I would have thought that would definitely appear on the list for men.
Forgive me-I polled 20 men but only 12 responded. I was expecting a completely different response from the men and was very surprised as well. I chosed a wide demographic of both women and men.
Thanks for the answers . . .not sure what to make of it all….
Forgive me-I polled twenty men but only twelve responded. I was expecting a completely different response from the men and was very surprised as well. I chosed a wide demographic of both women and men.
I think when you make lists like this, you really need to look at yourself….you have to become the person you ideally want to partner with….Prince Charming does not just fall out of the sky…!
I agree with the women’s list (and some of the stuff on the men’s list, too!)….but ultimately, once you start achieving awesome goals for yourself, you will encounter more awesome people to match….plus after you survive a bad relationship you avoid all of your ex’s negative qualities…!
I agree that you have to BE the kind of person you want to attract but it doesn’t always work out that way. Although, I believe as we become better people we tend to raise the bar when it comes to who we want to be around. Again, that comes back to boundaries and standards of behavior.
This started me thinking that we really don’t know what we want and we are imposing an awful lot of “rules” on each other for people who don’t know our own rules. With all due respect, I think you are exaggerating this point. Yes, it might be true that someone who wants a partner who is ” attractive but not so attractive that it is costly or time consuming ” doesn’t know what s/he wants. But I’m more inclined to interpret it along the line of “Too much of anything, even a good thing will soon wear you out or… Read more »
To your first point, that was (admittedly) just my interpretation and where I felt the story took me. However, to your latter point, I do believe that everyone should have boundaries or limits to what they are willing to tolerate in a relationship and in life.
I think know it all means someone who is arrogant with knowing it all, not just an intelligent person.
My dealbreakers…cheating, abuse, stealing, no blowjobs:P, but mostly about personality like negativity n bad character.
Where were you when I was taking the survey? 🙂
Australia:P The blowjob part was a joke but sexual compatibility is a must.
It shouldn’t be a joke. Its a major deal breaker to me if a woman doesn’t give blowjobs. I want a woman to please me as i please her. No way i would be with a woman who didn’t care to pleasure me the way i like to be pleasured. Don’t ever be afraid to want what you want.
It’s a 99% thing, it’s not a complete dealbreaker for instance if she was a rape victim and wasn’t ready to do it. I would hope she is at least willing to try it at some stage.
LoL, you do love your hypotheticals… Deal-breakers aren’t about being fair to other people — this (our romantic lives; our happiness) isn’t an area where you can be fair to other people. The closest thing to ‘fair’ you can manage here, is not to be unfair to them by pretending that what does matter to you, doesn’t. If she can’t give you what you need, that simply means that you aren’t meant to be together. Don’t let others shame you — they just want to pretend to be better people than they actually are by picking on the things that… Read more »