Men with emotions aren’t feminine, but our cultural attitudes suggest otherwise. Dr. Bill Cloke on being a real man who talks about his feelings.
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Read Why Men Have Trouble With Intimacy here.
Jim writes “I see a lot of men need to be more like women being promoted these days. Tim writes that “Perhaps 2012 truly is the end of the world (as we know it). Lies and facts are now indistinguishable from each other and to call this out is perceived as a negative.” These are a few of the comments I received from over 15, 000 responses to my blog about why men have difficulty with intimacy. Clearly I hit a nerve so I thought it might be a good idea to lend some more of my thinking to this very hot topic.
Am I truly off base, out to lunch and not in touch with the male hubris while shamelessly promoting the feminization of the American male? Nothing could be further from the truth. First off, I am a heterosexual male with some maturity and my experience has taught me that men have trouble expressing what is going on in their lives. If I ask a male friend how he is doing, most often I will get a pat answer: “Great.” If I have ever had an actual open conversation with a man we are usually friends for life. This in no way detracts from the fact that men have a full range of emotions; they just don’t usually have the vocabulary or the interest in expressing it. I find men amiable, hard working, interesting but often remote. I grew up with a bunch of them starting with my father who I never saw cry, talk about his pain, insecurities or struggles. He had them, I could see them but he never told me about them. I would have loved to hear about it.
I am not suggesting that men become more like women, or that men have some real or imagined deficit, but if they could learn to tell someone about their travails they might feel a whole lot better and make some friends along the way.
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So, what’s the point of all this? I am not suggesting that men become more like women, or that men have some real or imagined deficit, but if they could learn to tell someone about their travails they might feel a whole lot better and make some friends along the way. This is not to say that men don’t ever do this but to suggest that it is not a bad thing to be able to represent ourselves as we truly are. Everyone has to make their own way and determine for themselves what is important and meaningful to them. There is no right way to live life. But I think we men have been sold a bill of goods about being this hyper masculine caricature of ourselves and not the real thing.
To answer Tim regarding the quote that 80% of divorces are based on men not accepting the influence of women, this came out of the research that John Gottman did with 12, 000 couples. If either member of a couple will not listen and allow themselves to be influenced by the other person it’s usually curtains for an intimate relationship. The reason for this is that relationships have to move on from the same old conversations to new ones if they are to remain viable and vital. If one person won’t listen then the relationship just dies in the water. Men usually have a more difficult time with being influenced by women because they feel like it’s a sign of weakness. Women don’t have a problem being weak; they commonly listen better. These are generalizations and do not pertain to ALL couples. There are many shades of grey here.
To address Jim’s comment about the feminization of men, I think that says it all. It feels like showing emotions are the bastion of women; that to show vulnerability, tenderness, or willingness to change are seen as signs of being feminine. I would like to make a case for those expressions being open to both genders and not try so hard to divide one from the other. We can feel the worry that men have about not being men anymore, about not standing out as different, or as being anything but strong and in charge. We fear losing our dominance to women, of becoming mere chattels of their desires. I feel very strongly that we don’t have to hold everything in, not listen, and be tough guys to be men. We can have opinions, strong points of view, talk firmly about what we want and still be masculine. It also means that it’s not a sign of losing our exalted position as men if we show some receptivity and vulnerability. This is a call for men to take a beat, stop and consider what it is that we really want out of life. We don’t have to be cut off and alone to be men, we can be connected and involved with others in (may I say it) a loving way as a sign of great strength.
I believe we all yearn to be a part of something, to be included in the world of others and to belong to something that may be more important than ourselves. We don’t have to be brutes to be respected by other men. We just need to be who we really are, that’s all.
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Read more by Dr. Bill Cloke
Why Men Have Trouble With Intimacy
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
I would like to know your opinion of my husband. We have been married for three years and together for 7. I have never been a small girl, but he never said anything zbout my weight. If I wanted to lose weignt he would support me. Now we are having issues because he doesn’t want to have sex or any other sexual acts with me often. He rather masturbate then wake me or tell me. He waits until I leave the house so he can jerk off. Now I am not stupid and know porn is just something guys like.… Read more »
It sounds like men are completely resistant to adaptation. Women have had to change to merely be recognized as a person, and that put a kink in social norms. It won’t happen in a generation folks, but let’s raise our kids so that both sexes can be competent, cooperative, validated members of society. So that they feel good about themselves and their interactions with the opposite sex. The only way that can happen is if Dad can be mature enough to step beyond the “I’m going to riase them tough just like my daddy taught me!” mindset. I’m blown away… Read more »
It sounds like men are completely resistant to adaptation. Women have had to change to merely be recognized as a person, and that put a kink in social norms. It won’t happen in a generation folks, but let’s raise our kids so that both sexes can be competent, cooperative, validated members of society. You correctly point out that change won’t happen in a generation after starting off that saying men resistant to it? I dare say that men are not recognized as people either and we are changing that as well. The only way that can happen is if Dad… Read more »
When are people going to stop trying to tell others how to live their life.
Just because I elect not to be an overly and/or expressive emotional being does not hurt anyone, myself include. As a man, I say, “Just leave me the hell alone!” I am who I am and happen to love myself.
Finally, 80% of divorces do not have anything to do with men not accepting the influences of women. It has a lot to do with women who have grown bored, miserable, and sick of their husbands (for an assortment of reasons).
when are you?? awesome! you’ve pointed out how stubborn you are and how resistant you are to the notion of growth. THAT IS WHY SO MANY MARRIAGES FAIL. Men simply CAN NOT be told that they’re doing something “wrong”. Doing so is as if to attack the very core of who they are as an individual- which you so clearly pointed out. If the way you express yourself makes you you, then perhaps you’re oversimplifying what it is to be HUMAN. *By men I’m not referring to all. Clearly there are those men who get it like those involved in… Read more »
DR.Cloke
I believe there is more then an ideology or a belief differences between the average male (whatever that is in your circles) & the background & realities most of the writers of article’s like yours definitely, call it parallel universe & probably it’s not as simple as that, I don’t know how or way after all you are the one with PhD in psychology, nevertheless I dare to say millions of us males (young & old)feel complete disconnect with all of these new age semi Freudian but absolutely politically correct feminist academia ideology centered prognosis.
. We fear losing our dominance to women, of becoming mere chattels of their desires.
This again. If I had a nickel for every time someone tracked something that’s harmful to men back to being afraid of women or wanting to hold onto control of women…
If you don’t think there is a gender predisposition when it comes to male’s & social interactions not including many other differences between males & females not just because of nurture alone then you are definitely approaching this issue with preconceived ideas, Sir.
or perhaps you are “not buying it”. Time to open your minds fellas rather than be so defensive! What is it with men and “masculinity”. Acting so defiant and defensive all the times shows that you’re actually not a man, but rather a child. Perhaps if you take the advice in the article, you would be more emotionally open to accepting other people’s input, rather than shutting down and acting out. Men have the MOST DIFFICULTY when it comes to accepting the possibility that- perhaps- they’ve been taught a few things that are counterproductive to their emotional well being. Again,… Read more »
15,000 words & you still didn’t get it Sir, Mark is absolutely correct. New age or otherwise I don’t have to express every emotion I feel just like women do, not because I am insecure about it or to be different then women, but it amounts to revealing my inner most being in which the other party can truly use to inflict the greatest harm, do you understand that or do you thinki since I am in a relationship I have to walk around with all my feelings on my shoulder in a society were everything is skin deep including… Read more »
15,000 and you didn’t hear a word of them. How unfortunate. You look at the way men and women express their emotions, and you have determined that the way women do it is the correct and only way to express emotions correctly. You then argue because men don’t express emotions that way, they are doing it wrong. You then completely fail to realize that, by saying we should express our emotions the way women do instead of the way we want to, you are attempting to feminize the way men express emotion. This has nothing to do with seeing the… Read more »
Mark
You’re paranoid. No one is trying to emasculate you!! This isn’t about men vs woman, it’s about communication! Yes the two genders tend to express themselves differently- you’re absolutely correct. The traditional way men have been taught to deal with their emotions is not to deal with them at all. Obviously this is unhealthy, counterproductive, and detrimental to a relationship. The article was not intended on trying to force men into acting like women, it was simply “giving guys permission” to express their emotions rather than keep them bottled up!