Couples therapist Quentin Hafner says we need to be both friends and lovers to make marriage thrive.
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Striking a healthy balance between being passionate lovers and steadfast friends within our marriages is a difficult task. Some couples are great in the bed and share a wonderful eroticism, but have pervasive sense of distrust with each other. Other couples live as trusted “soul-mates” and confidants, but cringe at the idea of having sex with each other. To be both steadfast friends and passionate lovers is essential for thriving sustainability of our relationships. All of us in relationships fall somewhere along the continuum between passionate lovers and steadfast friendship and have tendencies to lean to one side or the other. Are we better friends? Or are we great lovers? To which side do you lean?
These are important questions worth asking, because partners in great relationships know how to shift back and forth between these two states of being and recognize the essentialness for the joy in their relationship. This is tough stuff because it challenges us to hold the tension of what seems like a paradox. Can we really be steadfast friends, while remaining passionate lovers? Are these two states of being at odds with each other? After all, how can we really feel the security and safety of being able to rely on our partner’s friendship, and also look them in the eye, nakedly vulnerable during erotic sex? Having the both/and experience here is something that delineates great relationships.
What It Looks Like To Be Friends
A common experience for many couples is to begin their relationship with wild eroticism but only to find it fade steadily over time. These couples report being “good friends”, but have lost the “chemistry” that draws them toward being passionate lovers. To be in this relationship, participants often people feel bored, sexually repressed, and experience incidents of infidelity. There are many reasons how and why couples end up here, some may include:
- Distorted view of sexuality from early childhood
- Religious or moral suffocation regarding sex
- Difficulty with physical vulnerability (intimacy)
- Subconscious power or control dynamics in the relationship
- Self-consciousness or low self-worth
What It Looks Like To Be Lovers
I recently spoke to a group of pre-marital couples on their way to marriage, and of course, they are mostly consumed by the physical and erotic nature of their relationship. I know that will change for most of them, but I dare not let them know, else they might be tempted to rethink their marriage decision! But for some couples, they begin their relationship under this pretense of eroticism and never transcend into anything beyond passionate sex. Many of the participants in these types of relationships feel insecure, uncertain, and speak of limited trust in their relationship. There are many reasons why some couples remain stuck only as lovers, some may include:
- Having a history of trauma, sexual abuse, or neglect
- Having difficulty with trusting your partner (vulnerability)
- Tendencies to isolate or honor individualism
- Fear of commitment in the relationship (even if married)
- Coming from divorced families
Where do you and your partner fall on the continuum? As we grow within our marriages, we want to be wondering how we are doing with being steadfast friends and passionate lovers at the same time, and how easy or difficult it seems for us to be one, and the other. Both of these states of being are essential ingredients to a deeply satisfying marriage and also serve to protect us against relationship ruptures such as damaging conflict, infidelity, and emotional neglect. Consider today asking your partner how he or she thinks the two of you are doing in this area; an honest conversation with your spouse can provide you with a great perspective.
Being steadfast friends and passionate lovers is something that is attainable for every couple but may require some work to get there. If you, or your partner, feel out-of-balance between these two relational perspectives, please consider finding a trusted couples therapist to help you grow in this area.
Originally published on QuentinHafner.com.
Photo—Rajarshi MITRA/Flickr
“Being steadfast friends and passionate lovers is something that is attainable for every couple but may require some work to get there.”
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