Men have been handcuffed into suppressing their emotions and fearing the “feminine,” Jeff Perera writes. Now we just need to release our hands and open those clenched fists.
There was a huge response to a recent article in The National Post by writer Christie Blatchford regarding the men of Toronto. It was a call for Toronto to stop being a “City of Sissies.” In response, I am going to share two things with you: a moment and a secret.
First, I am going to share a moment.
This is a moment in my everyday life that I personally dread. Not a moment like fearing my safety when walking down a strange, moonlit street, facing a boss and his sexual harassment-laced advances, a trip to the dentist, or a strange man following me into the elevator.
I dread when my car acts up or needs attention. Some light goes on, or there is a rattling sound or grinding noise. It means I have to walk into the auto shop.
There isn’t a moment where I feel more insufficient or I am made to feel more pathetic than when I need to do something car-related. Growing up, I didn’t have the kind of father that was forever under the hood, asking me to pass the wrench and explain how the engine works. I literally could write on one sheet of paper all of the conversations I ever had with my father. The strong and silent type: my father, my example of a man.
Admittedly, I should take on my deficiency of automotive knowledge and learn more about the vehicle I use everyday. (I just know how to drive, change the oil, and gas up.) Still, I dread walking into any auto shop.
The moment the man behind the counter raises his eyes up from typing on the computer with hands adorned in grease and calluses …
Hands toughened from years of working with them
Hands manually manly
Hands hardened and thickened
Hands that don’t feel a thing
… the moment he quickly realizes my depth of automotive know-how is thinner than the worn out treads on my tires, I see a smirk. I see eyes rolling, or a subtle shake of the head. The soft groan under his breath is a mighty roar questioning my manhood, echoing in the empty cavity where my esteem once stood. This pressure, this feeling may seem trivial, but it is real, it is potent, and it needs to be discussed.
… urgently.
♦◊♦
Now, I am going to break the man code of silence and share a secret.
There is an invisible gun held to the head of every man and boy you know.
At any given moment, at every moment of every day, familiar cold steel presses against the head of every man’s soul. Unseen hands take turns cocking it, pressing it against the temple. The hands belong to people you know and never knew, those you despise and those you will always love.
It is a loaded gun that we, as men, don’t point out, don’t signal for help with, certainly don’t discuss, and don’t internally acknowledge even exists. It has been pushed into our temple since birth.
The gun is society’s impossible, elusive state of manhood.
The bullets are Vulnerability, Inadequacy and Emotion.
The fact that it is invisible should not lead to us dismiss its reality. The imprint from the muzzle of this cold steel is permanently pressed into the soul and is everywhere you look. The pressure to act and be a real man is there in the school hallway, your place of worship, along the grocery aisle, next to the water cooler at work, in the jokes from the guys at the gym, sitting at the dinner table, in the music you listen to, the clothes on your back.
I am not trying to compare this everyday external and internal pressure to the realties women face in everyday scenarios. This isn’t about establishing a hierarchy of pain, but acknowledging that this issue affects us all.
What I am suggesting is that we can no longer ignore or minimize the searing impact that taunting and reinforcing “Man Up” philosophy has on men.
Every one of us was meant to embrace our whole, full humanity. Yet, enforced ideas of what being a man is leaves every boy and man wrestling to supress themselves. We are raised to value an unattainable standard and devalue anything “less than,” which is any aspect of our humanity labelled “feminine.” Men are left feeling that they are not given permission (from others or from our own self) to discover our handcuffed array of emotions. Denying or being forced to deny sides of our selves, we are the walking dead, numb and emotionally illiterate. This leaves us numb to the very fact of the gun pressing on our soul. The sound of the resulting trauma inflected on the world is muted by a silencer, but the impact resonates like an endless echo of gunfire on women and men worldwide.
The result is fathers who have been home everyday of their children’s lives yet could not be more distant. The result is men who would rather die than go see the doctor, and so they die. The result is boys being called “faggots” or Christie Blatchford’s preferred term: “Sissies.” The result is heterosexual boys facing homophobic bullying because they don’t fit the narrow mold. The result is men and young men trapped in endless cycles of substance addition to suppress what they aren’t emotionally able to deal with. The result is young men who won’t back down, no matter what. The result is men who are ready to die over a pair of shoes which they value more than their very own lives. The result is men with disabilities made to feel a heightened level of inadequacy. The result is guys who’d rather approach women with aggression and violent bravado because they cannot compute vulnerability. The result is severe impacts and financial costs to our healthcare systems. The result is LBGT communities facing a denial of their right to existence, never mind equity. The result is women in Canada and across the world subject to devaluation, discrimination, and subsequently all forms of violence.
Many men are raised to be the wrong kind of strong, and they don’t seek or ask for help. If we are not raising men to value their health, and in turn value themselves, how then can we expect men to extend respect to the earth, to fellow sisters and ever-fellow brothers?
The gun is pressed so tightly against the souls of men, yet we are in denial as a society. People like Christie Blatchford continue to cock the hammer and would have you believe a return to this idea of manhood is the cure. It is simply the reinforcement of the poison that is destroying our existence.
♦◊♦
The day Blatchford’s article spread across Toronto was the same day the Ultimate Fighting Championship landed in town. UFC is a display of brute force and “manliness” within a cage. Sports can be a space where brute dominance, physical ability, and unyielding aggression are wed in an unhallowed trinity. The world of sport can also give way to joyous scenes of men in unconcealed celebration. There is always that ironic moment where the steel arena gives way to overwhelming human emotion. Men fashioned as modern-day warriors in full embrace or awash in pure exposed sorrow, hugging one another, standing in tears of joy or defeat. You will even see UFC fighters hug trainers and even opponents after a bout. Apparently not even UFC fighters aren’t manly enough for Blatchford’s ideal state of manliness.
Masculinity has more sides than the octagon.
When I think of mixed martial arts fighters, I think of the discipline and how they train. The Makiwara is a padded post used as a tool for striking endlessly in martial arts training. Using the Makiwara allows you to find your way around addressing resistance to your energy and your force. You learn to train your body to generate power and be most effective when facing resistance. The misconception is that the goal is to make your fist numb and hardened, therefore, powerful weapons.
I think of hands like those at the auto shop, hands that are trained to be taught but left numb. I have soft hands and a soft heart; I decided to stop apologizing and regretting that.
I am a man.
It is time to stand up and provoke the freedom to a full, whole complete human being. Find the Freedom to Be Who You Are.
I give hugs, full all-out hugs.
They say the size of your actual heart is the size of your clenched fist. To open your heart is to open the clenched fist.
Open up.
Let go.
—Photo no prawns/Flickr
About Jeff Perera
My father is the most stoic and emotionally barren person I know in my life, my brothers come a close second to him – like father, like son; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I can see how this article relates to them.
My father cares more and is obsessed about his personal success than supporting and being there for his kids growing up. Somehow he’s been lead by society to believe that a person is judged based on their material/wealth success rather than the love for family and building a happy family.
He knows how to love money, but does not know how to love family. A lot of men, I think, feel their legacy will be their wealth, and that is what defines them in history. So they work all their lives building on this “empire” while ignoring and leaving the needs of family behind as long as they’re fed, clothed and sheltered – they believe their work is done. Some don’t bother getting married in the first place or have a family as all that gets in the way of their “empire” dream.
People do not need to work so much once you’re able to comfortably provide for your family. The only emotion I’ve ever experienced and seen from him is anger. Most men see wealth and anger as signs of power and marking their domain. Just as men see women dressing up for other women, men also “perform” for other men through displays of wealth and angry emotions – as though to prove to one another who’s the better man. This shows that men are not just competitive in sports – but in everyday life as well.
It would be good if society were to shift the definition of success – to be more family focused, rather than superficial things. We have Forbes 100 successful companies/ richest people or something along those lines and things like the top 10 young entrepreneurs under 30 – we are always recognizing affluence and rewarding those people; but there’s no large event or recognition for more family focused successes. I see some on GMP…the top ten sports dads (?) and such…those are great attempts to re-focus the definition of success.
Maybe thats how he was supporting you? His drive to succeed is quite possibly what allowed your mother to stay home and be the nurturer.
Both roles are necessary for society, I can’t help feel that you’re speaking from a position of privilege when you damn his goals in favour of those of a nurturer.
I completely agree about parenting awards, I can’t imagine how one can be compared against the other, but it’d be a nice thing to see.
I see this happening to my sons and it makes me sick.
Authentic manhood can be defined any way you like as long as it leaves out being
I think its changing: it has to. The applications of traditional masculinity, lumberjacks, steelworkers etc., are increasingly no longer present in our society.
Fathers should and must be in touch with their families, physically, mentally, and emotionally. That is absolutely vital. That point is valid. I know many such fathers (and mothers, I might add), but we need more men to man-up to that responsiblity.
However, there is NO excuse for fathers to be totally clueless, wetting their pants because the car made a noise. ANY man who does that seriously needs to man-up and learn how to do a Google search, and stop wallowing in childish ignorance, blaming society for his lack of responsible adult initiative.
Anyone that can read can do a Google search and get an idea the possibilities. Anyone that can make a phone call can call a garage and mention the symptoms and have the person indicate the possibilities.
To any and all such men, I say MAN-UP and stop making excuses for your ignorance. Do a Google search, phone a friend. Do something, for cryin out loud.
Not everyone needs to be good at everything, and I don’t think it’s fair to tell others that they don’t meet your own arbitrary expectations. I think what you’ve said here is an example of how men are often discriminated against. We need people who can fix cars and people who can code software and people who can run countries. I don’t think every man needs to be a renaissance man.
The beauty of the way the world is going is that people are freer than ever to pursue their passion, regardless of gender. That goes for both men and women. A woman can become a mechanic, a man can be a homemaker. Everyone can play the role that’s truly right for them, rather than the role foist on them by society.
Of course there’s still pressure to live up to gender expectations, and some people cling to those expectations more than others, but it’s nice that we’re seeing more and more male nurses and female construction workers. And it’s also nice that we still have female nurses and male construction workers. To each their own.
” I think what you’ve said here is an example of how men are often discriminated against.”
What is discriminatory? Expecting a father to ensure that his car is not a death trap carrying his children? He doesn’t need to be able repair the car, just not willfully remain in total ignorance.
If he’s single he’s only potentially endangering his own life, and that of hopefully adult passengers. Adults can choose to not ride with him. However, if he’s a father, those poor kids have no choice but to ride in car that could be a death trap because their father inists on remaining in total ignorance, refuseing to even do a Google search or ask a question.
Again, he doesn’t need to be a mechanic, just not remain in complete ignorance and possiby endanger children who are forced to ride with him.
Eric, agreed. While hopefully some day we will see women being expected to be handy as much as men because these are skills from which everyone benefits, as long as they remain “man skills” men ought to have them. My father never pressured me to learn his extensive knowledge of car and home repairs, and I now regret not having taken more advantage of that when I was young and living at home. Now I have him teach me things when I go home so that some day I can take care of my own house.
I’d also add that if you’re not willing/able to help yourself, it makes it that much harder for you to be someone on whom others can rely to help them.
That is WHY he immediately took it to the mechanic. He just felt bad about being judged by the same mechanic. Probably not the best lead in for the article, but it points out one way men can be judged, and led into the description of his father.
Good on him to face the irritating, condescending mechanic rather than pretend he knows his way around an engine block and make it into a worse death trap.
The writer seems to imply–perhaps it’s explicit–that the inabilty to deal competently with the material world is a virtue because it ‘s the only way to have an open heart.
I suppose writing that article is easier than getting competent in the material world and having hard hands.
It was from my father that I learned not to cry from pain as a kid, not to show weakness, to be unrelentingly honest, to stay calm and collected in a crisis. He never shamed me and my parents encouraged me to play with “girl” toys when I was younger; I just knew from him what a man ought to act like. These traits have all served me well (even if I don’t possess them as fully yet).
I’m with the other men who think the response to feeling inadequate shouldn’t be defensiveness or anger that society puts you in that box; it should be getting adequate. If you can’t perform useful tasks then you should learn how. I happen to think that many of the “boxes” into which society puts men (stoicism, controlled emotions, productive, problem-solver, protector, etc) are boxes we should put everyone in — not just men. Everyone should be expected to control their emotions, contribute, take care of their own business, weather the storm in reasonably good humor, and protect loved ones. If we all acquired these skills to the extent to which we’re able, then we would have that much more ability to help and provide for people who genuinely *can’t*. But it requires people stepping out of their personal pain-box and looking outward for the needs of others. And as long as people simply refuse these abilities because they like being needy, we’ll have far more people in need than people who can provide for them.
Some men live their entire lives with the gun (if I may borrow your analogy) and it stays cocked, but quiescent. I believe the test of a man is when another man close to them has the gun go off. The ‘wounds’ can be devastating and it takes strength to be there for your brother when it happens. If you stand with your brother, be prepared for the weight of the gun on your own temple, but you know you do the right thing. Sometimes consequences are acceptable to achieve a needed outcome.
Soft hands and soft hearts can be hardened, even against their owner’s will, by constant work and constant pain. The body defends itself, just as the mind defends itself. If men are to grow in the 21st century as people, we need to support each other. The hard men, the harder men, the soft men and the softer men. Lest they be cut off from all the joys of being human.