Men have been handcuffed into suppressing their emotions and fearing the “feminine,” Jeff Perera writes. Now we just need to release our hands and open those clenched fists.
There was a huge response to a recent article in The National Post by writer Christie Blatchford regarding the men of Toronto. It was a call for Toronto to stop being a “City of Sissies.” In response, I am going to share two things with you: a moment and a secret.
First, I am going to share a moment.
This is a moment in my everyday life that I personally dread. Not a moment like fearing my safety when walking down a strange, moonlit street, facing a boss and his sexual harassment-laced advances, a trip to the dentist, or a strange man following me into the elevator.
I dread when my car acts up or needs attention. Some light goes on, or there is a rattling sound or grinding noise. It means I have to walk into the auto shop.
There isn’t a moment where I feel more insufficient or I am made to feel more pathetic than when I need to do something car-related. Growing up, I didn’t have the kind of father that was forever under the hood, asking me to pass the wrench and explain how the engine works. I literally could write on one sheet of paper all of the conversations I ever had with my father. The strong and silent type: my father, my example of a man.
Admittedly, I should take on my deficiency of automotive knowledge and learn more about the vehicle I use everyday. (I just know how to drive, change the oil, and gas up.) Still, I dread walking into any auto shop.
The moment the man behind the counter raises his eyes up from typing on the computer with hands adorned in grease and calluses …
Hands toughened from years of working with them
Hands manually manly
Hands hardened and thickened
Hands that don’t feel a thing
… the moment he quickly realizes my depth of automotive know-how is thinner than the worn out treads on my tires, I see a smirk. I see eyes rolling, or a subtle shake of the head. The soft groan under his breath is a mighty roar questioning my manhood, echoing in the empty cavity where my esteem once stood. This pressure, this feeling may seem trivial, but it is real, it is potent, and it needs to be discussed.
… urgently.
♦◊♦
Now, I am going to break the man code of silence and share a secret.
There is an invisible gun held to the head of every man and boy you know.
At any given moment, at every moment of every day, familiar cold steel presses against the head of every man’s soul. Unseen hands take turns cocking it, pressing it against the temple. The hands belong to people you know and never knew, those you despise and those you will always love.
It is a loaded gun that we, as men, don’t point out, don’t signal for help with, certainly don’t discuss, and don’t internally acknowledge even exists. It has been pushed into our temple since birth.
The gun is society’s impossible, elusive state of manhood.
The bullets are Vulnerability, Inadequacy and Emotion.
The fact that it is invisible should not lead to us dismiss its reality. The imprint from the muzzle of this cold steel is permanently pressed into the soul and is everywhere you look. The pressure to act and be a real man is there in the school hallway, your place of worship, along the grocery aisle, next to the water cooler at work, in the jokes from the guys at the gym, sitting at the dinner table, in the music you listen to, the clothes on your back.
I am not trying to compare this everyday external and internal pressure to the realties women face in everyday scenarios. This isn’t about establishing a hierarchy of pain, but acknowledging that this issue affects us all.
What I am suggesting is that we can no longer ignore or minimize the searing impact that taunting and reinforcing “Man Up” philosophy has on men.
Every one of us was meant to embrace our whole, full humanity. Yet, enforced ideas of what being a man is leaves every boy and man wrestling to supress themselves. We are raised to value an unattainable standard and devalue anything “less than,” which is any aspect of our humanity labelled “feminine.” Men are left feeling that they are not given permission (from others or from our own self) to discover our handcuffed array of emotions. Denying or being forced to deny sides of our selves, we are the walking dead, numb and emotionally illiterate. This leaves us numb to the very fact of the gun pressing on our soul. The sound of the resulting trauma inflected on the world is muted by a silencer, but the impact resonates like an endless echo of gunfire on women and men worldwide.
The result is fathers who have been home everyday of their children’s lives yet could not be more distant. The result is men who would rather die than go see the doctor, and so they die. The result is boys being called “faggots” or Christie Blatchford’s preferred term: “Sissies.” The result is heterosexual boys facing homophobic bullying because they don’t fit the narrow mold. The result is men and young men trapped in endless cycles of substance addition to suppress what they aren’t emotionally able to deal with. The result is young men who won’t back down, no matter what. The result is men who are ready to die over a pair of shoes which they value more than their very own lives. The result is men with disabilities made to feel a heightened level of inadequacy. The result is guys who’d rather approach women with aggression and violent bravado because they cannot compute vulnerability. The result is severe impacts and financial costs to our healthcare systems. The result is LBGT communities facing a denial of their right to existence, never mind equity. The result is women in Canada and across the world subject to devaluation, discrimination, and subsequently all forms of violence.
Many men are raised to be the wrong kind of strong, and they don’t seek or ask for help. If we are not raising men to value their health, and in turn value themselves, how then can we expect men to extend respect to the earth, to fellow sisters and ever-fellow brothers?
The gun is pressed so tightly against the souls of men, yet we are in denial as a society. People like Christie Blatchford continue to cock the hammer and would have you believe a return to this idea of manhood is the cure. It is simply the reinforcement of the poison that is destroying our existence.
♦◊♦
The day Blatchford’s article spread across Toronto was the same day the Ultimate Fighting Championship landed in town. UFC is a display of brute force and “manliness” within a cage. Sports can be a space where brute dominance, physical ability, and unyielding aggression are wed in an unhallowed trinity. The world of sport can also give way to joyous scenes of men in unconcealed celebration. There is always that ironic moment where the steel arena gives way to overwhelming human emotion. Men fashioned as modern-day warriors in full embrace or awash in pure exposed sorrow, hugging one another, standing in tears of joy or defeat. You will even see UFC fighters hug trainers and even opponents after a bout. Apparently not even UFC fighters aren’t manly enough for Blatchford’s ideal state of manliness.
Masculinity has more sides than the octagon.
When I think of mixed martial arts fighters, I think of the discipline and how they train. The Makiwara is a padded post used as a tool for striking endlessly in martial arts training. Using the Makiwara allows you to find your way around addressing resistance to your energy and your force. You learn to train your body to generate power and be most effective when facing resistance. The misconception is that the goal is to make your fist numb and hardened, therefore, powerful weapons.
I think of hands like those at the auto shop, hands that are trained to be taught but left numb. I have soft hands and a soft heart; I decided to stop apologizing and regretting that.
I am a man.
It is time to stand up and provoke the freedom to a full, whole complete human being. Find the Freedom to Be Who You Are.
I give hugs, full all-out hugs.
They say the size of your actual heart is the size of your clenched fist. To open your heart is to open the clenched fist.
Open up.
Let go.
—Photo no prawns/Flickr
About Jeff Perera
Vocalyze
Major, major stereotyping.
This is a nice article. There is a lot of hardening of feelings and it’s very physically damaging as well as emotional. It’s all connected after all. But I’ll have to disagree with you that those fighters are only being emotional when they hug or cry. Anger , after all is an emotion.
It’s not that men aren’t emotional, they just have the one to go on, anger. But some how everyone misses the point that anger is an emotion because it has the “man” stamp on it and therefore can’t be an emotion because emotions are only for females. Wrong. Men get mad and competitive all the time. In short, men are very emotional. But it’s a shame all the other emotions get axed in the process.
Thanks for pointing out something obvious, actually a couple of things, that isn’t obvious enough to enough people. emotion is not female, it’s human. That’s one thing uou point out.
Secondly you point out that anger is an emotion, And when it is tamped down in men, that has nothing to do with fear of the feminine but fear of men as men.
Thanks, Valerie.
Valerie. I’m a guy. Is it possible I know about guys’ emotions? I know, I know. Crazy talk.
In any event, you’re wrong.
I think once considered expressing emotions is often used by women as a defining caste system of personal value. The difference for men I believe is that expressing often creates a vulnerability exploited by the listener. I find most women unqualified to hear or respect a mans feelings. They are simply not worth sharimg with. They may be qualified to listen to female emotional expression but seldom see the difference that allows them to acknowlege the male experience. They are unqualified, inexperienced and disinterested. Its all about them when it comes to dealing with feelings. When was the last time a woman ever took an interest in your feelings and actually shut up and listened.
Jeff — Great piece.
Keith — You are spot on.
And that is why men are in a hopeless double-bind.
Keith,
Thank you for speaking up and sharing your feedback! I agree with you in that we ALL need to be better listeners and be more empathetic. I am sorry that you haven’t had the experience of having someone genuinely listen to you and allow you to express your feelings. Expressing feelings is hard for anyone regardless of gender mainly because one has difficulty understanding their own feelings and its difficult to put feelings into words. Don’t get bitter about it though. If you haven’t found someone who genuinely cares enough to just let you be and allow you to express yourself in a healthy way then just move on. There are plenty of women who are dying for a man to open up. I think opening up is the sexiest and manliest act that a man can do because it takes lots of courage to put yourself out there. Feelings are feelings. Feelings should not be male or female. They shouldn’t be assigned a gender. We all have feelings. The way in which we experience and handle feelings vary from individual to individual. My extremely soft and feminine classic beauty friend Gigi listens to hard aggressive rock to relieve her of her sadness. If I am sad I watch something funny so I can laugh. Although we share the same feeling of sadness and the same gender, the experience and relief of that feeling is very different. I can’t help her when she is sad and she can’t help me when I am sad but I know she will be there and vice versa. The same goes with my male counterparts. So Keith please don’t expect her to understand you or your experience. A man will never be able to entirely understand you or your experience either. We are all looking to be understood but this is impossible. We are all looking for someone to feel the pain with us in order to lessen the hurt but this too is impossible. We should just be content with being heard, supported, and loved while we figure out our own way through it. I hope you find someone who listens! Take care!
last night, and every night before that… my daughters and their stepmother ( my current lady)
Thank you for writing this. I simply could not have expressed it better myself.
Agreed. This is an excellent article, Jeff. Congratulations for putting this experience into words so effectively.
“I am not trying to compare this everyday external and internal pressure to the realties women face in everyday scenarios.”
Why not?
The few times that I’ve revealed some emotion to women, it seemed to scare them. I know that’s only anecdotal, but it seemed a strange response. I’m not concerned about showing emotion around men because they “get it”.
My wife, of all people gets uncomfortable when I express the vulnerable type of emotions ……. I’m her rock and it makes her nervous to see me that way……..Unfairly limiting yet very common in male femae interactions.
Maybe all they care about is your roll as protector and provider? I guess they don’t want to see how sausages are made as long as we remain simple and phallic.
Yep. My wife too. And my daughters. And my mother before them. It’s actually pretty refreshing to deal with women at work because it’s just expected that it would be inappropriate for me to have any emotions around any woman in a business setting. By contrast, dealing with the double-standard from the women I love and wished loved me for who I really am — heartbreaking. Unavoidable but still heartbreaking.
I have very rarely experienced this in relationships and I think it’s because I refuse to accept it. The girlfriends that can’t handle me being vulnerable don’t get very far because I refuse to accept that and I’ve met far to many wonderful women are are more than happy to be as supportive of me as I am for them.
I’m sorry that the women in your life are stuck in their ways, seeing you as only a pillar and not someone with their own set of problems and stresses.
Nick, why do you think so many men feel that 100% of women in their lives–or even in the world–won’t accept them being emotional? It’s almost as if they live on some other planet–or maybe have really bad luck. I know SO many women who want men who can express themselves emotionally. I also know some women who don’t. But where do these broad brush strokes come from? Who lives in a world where they literally never encounter kind, accepting women? WHERE do they live? What might be warping that perception? Or, what life circumstances could lead to a man being 30, 40, 50 or more years old and believing that the 1000′s of women he has met in his life are all like this? It would be the same as me saying and believing that the 1000′s of men I have met in my life are “all jerks.” Where does this insanely polarized thinking come from?
I honestly think the media has a lot to do with it. The kind of role Trey is talking about where he fells like he has to be a pillar and as a result invulnerable is played back to boy over and over as they are growing up. “Boys don’t cry” is almost a mantra growing up and it leads to an ingrained sense of shame when sad/sorrowful emotions are expressed. I think when society is telling you this, it’s not much of a jump to think that girls and subsequently women don’t want vulnerable men (they’re a part of that society too, right?).
No, I honestly mean whenever I’ve shown vulnerabiliy, I’ve paid for it in some fashion, It lowers her perception of my worth as a man/husband. I spoken to a lot of other regular guys about this topic……it’s very common.
I guess so. But there is a math issue here. I do not see the same numbers a lot of these men see, where huge, vast majorities of women feel this way. I asked my husband and my brother. They don’t see such astronomical numbers either. We all see SOME women like this. We all see just as many women NOT like this. What’s up with the math? Or, maybe we do all live on different planets!
very common = more than a third and less than two-thirds.
Lori, why would the women you’re talking about show you the same sides of themselves that they show the men who describe what Trey is talking about? If this had been an essay about a woman’s experience with men, and some man was saying,”What’s up with the math? I don’t see this!” the correct and politic response would be, “Listen to what she’s saying. It’s her experience, not yours. Trust it,.”
I think that is the case, Lori, because it is true. I have met one female in my entire life — she happens to be a very good friend — who can actually handle me expressing my emotions. The simple fact of the matter is that each and every other time I have tried to actually share real emotions with women, it scares them. No, it TERRIFIES them. The raw, visceral emotions are too much, they simply can’t deal with it. They cannot deal with the honesty, the reality. As a result, I don’t share them. I express them through music, poetry, or prose, and I don’t share them with women because I have been told too many times that “it is too much” or some other such nonsense. The biggest reason that the stereotype of emotionless men is perpetuated is because women devalue men who actually show their emotions. Somehow, we’re no longer men. I’d wager that most of the men here have heard something along these lines from a woman when they got emotional. “If I want a man, not a woman.” Women are much much more critical of men having emotions than other men.
Oh Collin…One? Only ONE? I am so sorry. I say that with complete sincerity. I don’t know anything about you, where you live, your community, your family, etc. I just know that here in my little slice of the world, it is not that bleak.
“The biggest reason that the stereotype of emotionless men is perpetuated is because women devalue men who actually show their emotions.”
Some women do. Plenty don’t. I wish I had an idea for telling you how to find the latter. They are soooo out there. Really.
Very true, My wife gets scared if I’m weepy, hurt, sad, depressed, etc…. those emotions are her private preserve in the relationship. I end up apologizing after a argument I’ve won/been right on, Because she feels bad she hurt me…..I have to make nice……go the extra mile. after 30 years I figured it’s because in some way my emotions are less real …to her…
I’ve seen that often — having to comfort a girl because she feels bad for hurting me.
“I know SO many women who want men who can express themselves emotionally.”
I know SO many who say that. because they know what they’re supposed to say. But let it happen for real and watch how well it’s recieved. that’s what these men are telling you – their actual expereinces of women’s reactions, not women’s pronouncements.
Good point. For all the talk about how desirable and “sexy” a sensitive man is supposed to be, the sight of a man ACTUALLY showing some emotion is very distressing to a lot of women–not to mention an instant turnoff romantically.
I think there is a lot of talk about it because a lot of women do feel this way. I know I do. I know more than half of my female friends do. I know my four sister-in-laws do. So…some do, some don’t. The pool of women out there who do is big enough that for a man who finds this characteristic in a woman important, he can find one…many more than one. He just needs to identify that this is important to him, just as he would identify intelligence or sense of humor as being important in a romantic partner, and then he does not get into a relationship with a woman who does not like sensitive men. What i continue to protest about in these comment threads is the math. The notion that the vast majority of women don’t like sensitive men. That is a total exaggeration, inflammatory, and unhelpful. Maybe it comes down to looking at oneself and the kind of people one attracts, I don’t know.
Many women say the want a guy in touch with his emotions…..until they have one and his emotions surface at an inconvenient time for her. Been there done that….
very accurate, One price I paid for being vulnerable and showing emotions, Was her having a emotional affair with a former teenage-boyfriend from when she was 16…’cause he was a real man…….and a callous assh*le. All ’cause I didn’t get over my cardiac / mortality issues fast enough……
That’s an interesting point you raise. I wonder how many of our long-term feelings and impressions about dealing with the opposite sex stem directly (and permanently) from our high-school experiences.
As Bowling for Soup noted, “High School Never Ends.”
Come to think of it, Dave Barry once wrote an article about being a shy, skinny geek in high school who never got a second glance from the girls. And now that he was in his thirties/forties, he kept hearing about how the #1 quality women wanted was “a sense of humor.”
To which he replied, “Sure…. NOW you want a sense of humor. But back in high school, back when it really mattered, what you wanted was wavy hair and muscles.”
I did the HS bad boy / sociopath thing…..fun but restricting. the nerd died in middle school, the bad boy in college, then I adapted yet again to what the girls were interested in. If men are emotionally distant with women that’s because that what they learned through trial and error works…..and what is expected of them.
Now, I am going to break the man code of silence and share a secret. There is an invisible gun held to the head of every man and boy you know
Now I will break the PC code of silence and laugh. Please, try to justify only your own personal insecurity, you are eager to handcuff everyone in your own inadequacy.
Oscar,
PC code of silence? Really? While the author is absolutely expressing a personal experience, he is also speaking to the experience of many, many other men. To call it insecurity is completely missing the point. In fact, the acknowledgment of it is bravery, especially in the face of other men, like you, who would try to cast shame.
There is no shame in trying to be a complete human and asking to be accepted as one by the people in your life as such. There should be a lot more shame directed at men and women who are trying to keep tired, calcified, restrictive, destructive and ultimately unfulfilling (not a word I know, but it should be) stereotypes in place.
For shame Oscar. When women do this, it’s called slut-shaming. Perhaps when men do it, as you have and presumably will continue to do, we could call it ‘bro-blaming’. Regardless, I hope one day you can overcome your insecurities about the changing contents of the gender-sex mixes that people are living today. You will be a better man for it, and the world will be a better place for having one more good man, one more good human in it.
It’s about pecking order. Get used to it.
Jeff, what do you think if this, it challenges the misinformation of the white ribbon campaign.
w w w.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/domestic-violence-industry/a-call-to-mothers-to-stop-killing-their-children/
Also, you are part of the White Ribbon campaign, which falsely stereotypes abuse and violence as gendered, something that women feel and men do. So aren’t you part of this problem that you are writing about here – locking us into tight boxes, the male one being that of an unfeeling brute that acts and is not acted upon, and female on that feels and doesn’t act?
Wake up feminists.
I’d agree, The white ribbon campaign, because it fails to call women and girls on their violence is part of the straight jacket on men’s emotions. Middle school was hell for me as a group of girls deceided I was nerdy and not masculine enough. Helped lead me to my sociopathic teen / bad boy high school persona….. which is the kind of payback society gets for allowing women and girls to abuse boys/men. Many of them will harden up…… but for society it rarely turns out well.
On the one hand Jim is supporting the White Ribbon campaign which is asking men to suppress the reality that men are the primary victims of violence and that women’s violence in the home is greater than that of mens, and take responsibility as a group for the violence that some men commit and on the other hand, Jim is here talking about men being stereotypes and expected to suppress their feelings.
Seems that Jim is holding a gun to our head.
Correction
Jim should read Jeff.
I’m sorry but I find this whole piece troubling. It is nonsensical and seems to equate all males with one subjective view linked to violence.
The metaphors are all violence related – and as such it does not speak to me or for that matter anyone I know.
“Now, I am going to break the man code of silence and share a secret.”.
Oh there is a code – a systematically arranged collection or compendium of laws, rules, or regulations?
I did not get a copy given to me! Does that mean I’m not a man?
“The bullets are Vulnerability, Inadequacy and Emotion.”.
Such emotional violence – linking ballistics to normal and natural human behavior.
I must be a Dumb type since I have been hit by all those bullets and more and just accepted them as part of life – and I allow others to receive what would appear to be friendly and even hostile fire with multiple ballistic projectiles.
To look at the aggressive and militaristic metaphors and add to them – It would seem that what has been written is “blue on blue”.
“I have soft hands and a soft heart; I decided to stop apologizing and regretting that.
I am a man.”
Yes!
Jeff, this is one of my favorite articles I’ve ever read on GMP. This is going to be a long and contentious comment thread, and what I want to say to you is bravo, and don’t let the critical comments and angry back-and-forth get you down. Ignore all the M/F battles, tangents and hijacking that are going to happen. You’ve spoken truth to your own experience, and the experience of many men, and that took courage. I, for one, appreciate what you wrote, exactly as you wrote it, and have no need to correct you, dismiss you, or in any other way deflect from what stands alone as an excellent testimonial to the importance of emotional expression for men, and a truly poignant piece of writing.
I believe that the spectrum of human emotion should be open fully to both genders, without gender policing by the same or the opposite sex. Simple as that. I adore men who are open and who have learned to say FU to the people in the world who want to shut them down or tell them to “man up.” Masculinity (and femininity) have many, many sides that a lot of commenters on this site do not recognize. Stereotypes and generalizations abound. Men are THIS, women do THAT. NO. Human beings are complex. There is no one-size-fits-all model for either gender.
Love, love, love this article. So deep, so honest, so sincere. Thank you so much.
Lori
Men are not defined by these ghastly feminist stereotypes. You may love this article, but its no good for men.
Lori
“I adore men who are open and who have learned to say FU to the people in the world who want to shut them down or tell them to “man up.”
What do you make of Hugos latest article in which he tell men to man up and suppress their fear and personal well being in relation to mentoring?
What do you think about the lies and gender stereotypes that that the White Robbon campaign is based on?
I don’t agree with the White Ribbon campaign and its misleading statements, but I do think Jeff has expressed a personal experience here very effectively… and one that a lot of men can empathize with.
Here’s hoping Jeff’s own empathy will show itself in a reformed White Ribbon campaign someday.
And this is probably why I stopped commenting because I’m tired of the the main point of the article getting derailed in favor of an “us vs. them” argument. It’s tiring and trite and completely illogical. It gets us nowhere. Do we not know how to have intelligent discussions anymore? Generalizations are bull because they are generalizations. To say that most women will not listen to men is to completely alienate the women who actually do listen to men. I listen to my fiance all the time. I listen to my guy friends all the time and am completely sensitive to what they feel because I am not the type who believes that men and women are so completely different as to be on opposite poles. And no, I do not believe I am an exception.
Exactly. Which is why I am not responding to Ron’s comments above. I’m a writer here, and I love the site and the intellectual engagement, but there is a huge downside, as you describe. I’ve pretty much decided to engage in comments when the discussion is civil, productive, and not man-hating or woman-hating, and otherwise to start staying out of the fray. After yesterday’s demoralizing experience on another GMP thread, I finally woke up to this reality. People can be really hurtful anonymously behind a screen, and I don’t want to set myself up for it or take the bait anymore. I want to support good writers and good writing and good ideas and good debate–and discourage (via non-participation) hateful comment threads and disparaging articles (towards either gender). I’m going to try anyway!
Out of curiosity, Lori and Amber: if a bunch of women talked about the constant sexual harassment they receive from men in their lives (work, on the street, whatever), and the men they’re telling this to are telling them they’re just talking to the wrong guys because the men know *so many* bros who would never do that to a woman…do you respond by agreeing that women clearly aren’t reporting their own experiences accurately, or do you respond by suggesting that perhaps the men’s bros aren’t being honest with the protesting men (or, perhaps, that the men are blind to their bros’ faults). I’m asking because I feel like coming from the other side, the men would be accused of “mansplaining” and minimizing women’s experiences and it kind of seems to me like you’re doing this a little bit here.
Don’t get me wrong; I think that if men aren’t getting what they need/want from partners or friends they should find new partners and friends. But maybe this is an area where women are privileged and aren’t quite seeing the challenges for men.
Amber, the article brought the us and them argument to the table with its feminist lies and stereotypes about men.
In order for the crap to stop here, the publication needs to stop peddling the feminist perspective to men.
Ron…
Friend, Buddy,…BROTHER!
WHAT IS THIS UNIFIED FEMINIST CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT’S GOT YOU SOO BOTHERED?
It would be nice if every article discussing Masculinity as a “Silent Religion” or as the “Subjective Poetry of Manhood” wasn’t met with derailing tactics and like “What about the wymen?” or “That’s YOUR opinion & it’s 1000% wrong”
…It could be a fight or flight deal. How many of us are truly comfortable with talking about our own emotional insecurities so we find weaker targets to attack like “Feminism”.
Ron, Not to attack you personally but for what its worth…
EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST…okay..
Budmin
I was talking about the White Ribbon campaign, its a misinformation campaign that promotes incorrect stereotypes about men and women.
“EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST”
So “real men” don’t do X,Y or Z or else they are weak?
This is what I’m talking about, bullshit gender boxing and shaming of men.
I don’t even use the term “Real Men” and the White Ribbon Campaign is another topic for another time. This is a discussion on why we castrate our selves emotionally. I know you have an opinion of this.
I would like to hear your opinions not some distractionary tactic dressed up as Male Advocacy. Like I said before, I think masculinity is a silent religion (It might even be the very 1st religion) I don’t think it’s blasphemous to want to improve upon it…Do You?
You used the “real man” mechanism when you said …
“EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST”
See in incoherence there?
Like the OP, on the one hand Jeff is promoting archaic, patriarchal gender stereotypes with the white ribbon campaign, on the other he is saying that we must break out of the mold, that he is at the same time promoting.
This feminist perspective, is incoherent and lagging far behind the more interesting and less ideological analysis of gender and masculinity.
You used the “real man” mechanism when you said …
“EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST”- So by that logic only Men are emotional cowards…Is that a what you think I’m saying?
“This feminist perspective, is incoherent and lagging far behind the more interesting and less ideological analysis of gender and masculinity.” -Such as?
I’m all ears.
How could we defend Manhood/Masculinity/Maleness if we are so afraid to define what it is in all it’s imperfections.
“You used the “real man” mechanism when you said …
“EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST”- So by that logic only Men are emotional cowards…Is that a what you think I’m saying?”
You tried to employ a charge of cowardice, to make your point and so framed fear as weak/wrong. Its the old “real man/not a real man” shaming tactic.
“Such as?”
h t tp://www.genderratic.com/
“How could we defend Manhood/Masculinity/Maleness if we are so afraid to define what it is in all it’s imperfections.”
I never said I was afraid, did I? What I said what that masculinity isn’t defined by narrow and ghastly feminist stereotypes about it and incoherent feminist analysis that both perpetuates and promotes these gender stereotypes and criticizes the same stereotypes that at the same time.
Its quite the bind.
“EMOTIONAL COWARDS FIGHT THE HARDEST”
Ron, that was a gender-neutral statement. Where did you get “real man” from? It is obvious to me, you are putting words into budmin’s mouth. “Real man” mechanism is your own personal perspective and meaning that you applied to someone else’s statement. You took that statement and made it your own, basically.
The fact is, women can be emotional cowards too, just as men can be.
Jeff, this is a fantastic article. Thank you for posting this. And thank you for the courage it takes to stand up and be completely honest and emotionally transparent. We need many more men to do the same.
To all of the men who are expressing the unfortunate fact that the women in your lives have not been supportive and have been scared or uncomfortable when you have shared your emotions…I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced this, too.
But it’s because many women internalize the same stereotypes about men. They, in some sense, have the gun pressed against their heads as well, in that the same collective socialization about what a “real man” looks like has warped their perceptions and expectations like it does ours.
This does not mean that all women are bad, heartless, cold, or only want a “bad boy,” asshole, or emotionally distant, stoic Marlboro Man-esque partner. This does not mean that all women are turned off by emotionally intelligent men who are secure in owning, expressing, and knowing their feelings (some might be, and you have to ask yourself if they are the women who you want to be in a relationship with). It just means that it can scare them like it scares us. And that’s ok. We all need to work together to free men from the confines of the traditional, unattainable concept of the “real man.” It benefits us all.
Spot-on and thank you.
NOW, we’re getting somewhere!
You are correct that this behavior on the part of many women does not make them bad, heartless, cold, etc.
But 95% of men really, really, really seek physical and emotional union with women (and usually, eventually, one particular woman; and usually though not always, in that order — physical then emotional). Most men (the 8% who are sociopaths aside), will do practically anything to make the woman of our desires happy. This results in the emotional needs of women taking primacy.
My point, Lori: its not about us vs. them. It is the question of how we break the cycle. Happy to continue a dialog with you, if you are willing, around this. My central contention is that, in this instance women (that is, the 8% who are not sociopaths aside) actually need to take the lead and need to take the risk.
I will stop here so this doesn’t become a monologue.
Thanks.
Are you saying that women need to take the risk by challenging themselves to be comfortable with men being emotional? I just want to be sure I understand you.
Yes.
Ok, happy to discuss this as long as we both avoid bashing the other 50% of the population.
I agree with your idea of how to break the cycle…up to a point. I do think that women who expect men to be stoic are problematic. But, I think it goes deeper, in that we need to ask why some women are like this, and why some men believe, themselves, that they should always be tough and suck it up emotionally, even when there ARE lots of women out there who do not want or expect this.
I have a theory. Not too long ago I wrote a piece for GMP about my husband’s struggles with his brother’s suicide and the messages he got that men do not emote about things like this. I mentioned in the piece that my own brother is dying, and I felt I needed to show him my article before it was published to get his blessings, so he did not feel I was invading his privacy since he had not yet told everyone about his cancer. In the process, he and I got into a long conversation about my brother’s perception that emotional men are not always appreciated by women and that women can be the ones expecting them to “be a man.”
What we both spent a lot of time discussing was how we (and our other brother) were raised. Our parents believed and modeled that emotions are for everyone. My dad and both brothers expressed themselves freely, and my mom and I liked that, and I, obviously, was raised to believe it was a good thing. Therefore, i went out into the world and sought male friends, boyfriends, and a husband who could be emotionally expressive. And that’s also why I write about this.
But I think the reason I feel this way (like many other women who also do) is that my parents both modeled it–my dad was expressive and my mom appreciated it. Both parents raised the three of us to be this way. So it’s complicated, but I think we need to look at how kids are raised. I know…it’s a chicken or egg thing, isn’t everything?? But if we can educate parents to encourage their male and female children to appreciate male emotional expression just as much as female, we will raise a generation of men who can express themselves and feel entitled to, and women who will not only accept that, but seek it. We will all be better off.
So yes, women need to take the risk you explain–the ones who do not already enjoy expressive men. But they need to be raised that way somehow. And also, men need to keep taking risks and expressing themselves–if they choose to. THEN, they need to associate themselves with women who do not put them down for it. You can’t choose your mother or your sister, but you can choose your girlfriend or wife, and you can raise your daughters (and sons) to be this way.
Does this make sense?
Absolutely, Lori. These things are multi level. Culture is one thing, but family of origin informs how we express.
.
I had a relatively expressive family, my husband didn’t. We have moments
We both model emotions to the boys. Name them in all their complexity. There are times when we say, hey crying’s cool. There are times when we say, hey buck up some. both skills need to be learned.
I dated a girl for a few weeks a while back the seemed to try to undercut my own interpretation of my manhood every time I saw her. I haven’t told anyone about this aspect of that short lived relationship. I don’t think she did it out of malice, but I think she did it because she wasn’t comfortable with non-traditional models of masculinity. She found it off putting that I blushed. That I cooked, dressed well and kept my apartment clean and organized led her to ask if I was gay. In texts some of the emoticons I used were deemed “odd” because they weren’t stoic or stripped mostly of meaning like “:)” and “:(“. When I turned out to be older than she though by a couple years, older than her, she responded. “Oh. That’s good!”
I had never encountered an attitude like this before in dating.
I’m fairly secure with who I am and how I view myself. but were I a different man, someone still trying to define myself and what it is to be a man, these comments would have been profoundly damaging. I owe it to my friend and past girls friends who have accepted me and nurtured me as I have tried to do to them with who I am comfortable being today.
Good article, one I can relate to.
From the beginning, I opened up to my wife and shared my feelings and deepest fears. I thought this was all part of good communication and intimacy, as far as her knowing everything about me.
While I think she agreed with this on an intellectual level, it became clear over the years that a part of her wished I was a more ‘traditional’ type of man, to be the rock (as one poster mentioned above), to take charge and be the decision maker.
I think it was a large part of her ultimately asking for a divorce after 17 years of marriage.
This article makes me feel much better about myself, as far as not being the ‘man’ she wanted me to be.
Sorry to hear about that Jim.
Since I am in that kind of a situation myself (no talk of divorce yet, though I do wonder whether it is inevitable if my wife expects me to do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, trash removal, bill paying, yard work, pest removal, car servicing, etc., all while earning just a little bit more — but not too much more! — than she does, and keeping to my side of the bed because she doesn’t like touching of any kind and keeping my feelings to myself if I don’t want to be told I “shouldn’t feel “x”) does it Get Better?
All human beings have emotions. All human beings should be able to identify which ones they are feeling and share them. Shouldn’t be harder then that, but human beings also seem to have a penchant for making things ridiculously hard.
And that is precisely why men do not express their feelings. Right as you challenge men to share their feelings you remind them their feelings and pain are nothing compared to women’s. In other words, you told men to talk about their feelings, but not too much.
You cannot have it both ways. Either men can talk about their feelings and express their emotions without the childish “women have it worse” and “stop whining” retorts or we cannot. You cannot keep playing this game of reminding men to stay in their place.
I do not agree with comparing people’s experiences, and that includes preemptively telling someone that their pain does not matter as much as someone else’s. It is not anyone’s place to judge the severity of someone’s everyday external and internal pressures, particularly not those with a bias in favor of another group.
If you want men to share their feelings and show more emotion, you need to stop judging them for doing or trying to make them “check their privilege” before they do it.
Interesting point, Jacob. That one statement did ring a bit apologetic, and there was no need for it.
This is the Good MEN Project, fer cripe’s sake. Why should we preface every mention of men’s problems with a dismissive disclaimer like “Of course, this means NOTHING compared to the trials women face”?
From what many men are saying, it seems that women are terrified of men expressing emotions-it makes them very unsettled and insecure in their role. Not unlike how a lot of men seem terrified when a woman is fully expressing her sexuality. Seems to make them feel unsettled and insecure in their role.
So what do we do about it?
Option 1) Get over being insecure and unsettled
Option 2) Men suppress their emotions and women suppress their sexuality.
Huh.
Are you saying we should focus on being more complete human beings and less like caricatures of what we’re told is normal gender behavior?
Yeah, I think that’s the gist of my statement. Seems simple enough. Maybe not so much fun to rip apart in articles though.
Julie,
What a great connection you made there! I think it is a very apt comparison. I think your dichotomy of options is a bit slack (I know you were being funny). The big problem here is ‘Roles’. Specifically that they exist and are widely expected. How do we change this? It is easy to say ‘stop being insecure’ but what is the practical, effort/work/practice that does this? The obvious answer is to be brave and step into the breach. Nice idea, but very difficult, especially with the blow-back that anyone will almost certainly experience. So what do we do (besides writing on the interwebs)?
Let me be clear, I think it is possible to rewire our socialized and engendered social expectations. Not just possible but desirable and necessary. Again I ask, how? GMP is a great start, a forum for discussion. We need more of it and it needs (yes needs) to spread outward into more generalized discourse. What we also need are men and women who will reward other men and women for stepping outside of constraining roles. Reward you ask? Oh my yes! We are trained to internalize gendered social roles. We can be trained away from them as well. I have become much more open and expressive of my emotional states and contents, all while slowly losing my anxieties and insecurities about being so. I chalk this up in large part to my incredible partner. She has helped me by rewarding my new openness with respect, by encouraging me, and by calling bullshit when I crawl back into behaviours that only hurt me (and us). We talk, a lot, and it isn’t easy. It is worth it.
there are people actually working to change this. i belong to a men’s group, and while yeah a good bit of the time is talking about work, life, boobs, ass jokes and the like, when any one of us need it we share what’s going on emotionally. One of the more unusual things about the men’s meetings is you don’t have to be a Man biologically, my lady comes and we’ve invited others. my daughter has been at them. i find it interesting that we invite other women and they say “no this is for the guys”. I think women don’t know what to do with our feelings any more than we do because they assume they aren’t the same as what they are feeling. if Lisa is any indication ( and fair enough she may not be) they go through most of what we do and vice versa.
Oh, come on!! Guys, I think that it’s terrible that when you try to open up around a woman she gets scared or puts you down or whatever happens, but you shouldn’t say that ALL women do this because ALL of them don’t appreciate that you’re a human being with deep emotions too, that is NOT true. It’s a fact that when any of my guy friends are upset over something and talk to me about it, I listen, I offer advice if they want it, I give my full support, because I know that everyone has problems, everyone wants to be understood and listened to, regardless of gender. I don’t get scared away, I don’t expect men to be able to deal with everything by theirselves.
Guys, maybe you’ve never had your feelings validated by a woman, but like Lori said, there are women out there who are more understanding and realistic, so please open your minds before you write us all off.
All it takes is one, Skyeden… usually one when you were in your adolescence and at your most vulnerable.
Remember, men have 100% of the responsibility to initiate relationships, and ANY rejection is a powerful incentive to retreat, lick your wounds, and vow to never, ever open yourself up to such humiliation again.
100%…REALLY??? That would mathematically negate a FACT, which is that *I* initiated the relationship with my husband. But if 100% of the time the man initiates, I guess I am not with my husband.
This is the most absurd black/white thinking I have ever seen. It is patently false. What a waste of time reading stuff like this. It gets us nowhere.
P.S. All it takes is one not-so-nice woman and all is lost? Again…REALLY?
“I’ve pretty much decided to engage in comments when the discussion is civil, productive, and not man-hating or woman-hating, and otherwise to start staying out of the fray.”
Since you clearly view my comment as unproductive, what happened to your vow of… oh, about four hours ago?
Savor this, Copyleft, because it may be the only time you hear it: You are right!
Gosh, it is so easy to get sucked in. Thanks for the reminder. It is indeed pointless.
Will now go back to trying not to respond when it will go nowhere, and only responding when there is hope. Just human, but will really try!
Skyeden, it’s starting to feel like this thing lots of people do (men and women) where they *like* to complain “no one understands me.” Some people enjoy the complaining, and I don’t know why. To elicit sympathy? To bond with others? But the point we are both making comes down, once again, to MATH. Any of you guys out there like math? Math is about facts. The fact is that all women are not like this, even if you enjoy saying they are. It simply is not true, not helpful, not productive. If you are serious about wanting to be with a woman who appreciates your emotions, go get one! Take your pick! Unless, of course, it is simply more fun to make stuff up and complain.