There’s a lie men tell themselves, and each other, and it’s destroying their ability to survive in this world.
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Men, there’s a lie so deeply ingrained in your psyche, that you may not even be aware that it exists. At times, it might actually seem like a truth. I believe this ONE lie is responsible for men being four times more likely to kill themselves than women.
I was torn open and I needed help, yet I feared what I was about to ask for.
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First, a quick story before I share with you this lie.
A few months ago, I had one of those days where it felt like my world was coming to a crashing halt. The kind of day where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I felt considerably stuck and needed support.
I couldn’t keep it together. The story that was told to me some 20 years ago — “just tough it out, boys (men) don’t cry” wasn’t holding much water in that moment. I was torn open and I needed help, yet I feared what I was about to ask for. The tears came rushing down my face, and my stomach tightened into a knot of repressed emotions.
I contemplated who I could reach out to. I thought about the handful of incredible people in my life. Many who were more than capable of holding the space for me to let out what I’d attempted to shove deep into my soul. But I was paralyzed. I was torn between the old paradigm of what it means to be a man, and my personal truth. I knew that I wanted to ask for help, and I’d seen the benefits of having that support in the past, but the shame that I was experiencing felt overwhelming. Even though I knew that asking for help is one of the most noble acts that a man can engage in, my identity felt threatened.
Through my own personal growth journey, I knew the first step out of my own misery. Accepting exactly how I was feeling. But the 6-year-old version of myself, who was criticized for letting out his feelings, resisted.
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As my man Robert Frost said, “the only way out is through.” And, to change the current social paradigm of what it means to be a man, it must start with myself. The other part of this equation brought even more resistance: I had to pick up the phone and dial.
In the short term, stuffing my emotions or making up a reason why I shouldn’t reach out would’ve been easier. But telling myself that there’s nobody in my life that could support me in my most vulnerable of moments was a story I was not choosing to listen to anymore.
I texted one person I had in mind: “Hey brother, do you have 30 min to support me?”
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I was in labor and giving birth to my truth.
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I waited with a level of angst and build up that I’ve only experienced a couple times in my life. The phone rang, and I answered. Very few words came out of my mouth and I immediately began crying. After about 10 minutes of uninterrupted tears, there wasn’t much left within my insides. He mentioned a few things, he never judged, and was there to fully support.
Over the course of the call, The weight of the world left my shoulders and the knot in my stomach loosened. I was in labor and giving birth to my truth.
–The second that I chose to share what was truly going on, the shame began to vanish.
–The second that I decided to let someone that cares about me into my world.
–The second that I understood that I’m not alone.
–The second that I reminded myself that it’s just a lie that I give no power.
This is what happens when we decide to share what true for us and get naked in front of another human being. Emotionally naked, that is.
The lie that says, men don’t _________ is ruining the lives of many men. You can fill this in with whatever societal condition that’s part of your life experience.
- Cry
- Ask for help (or directions)
- Cook
- Stay sober
- Sing
- Do Yoga
- Shop
- Dance
- Get sensitive
I see the commonalities among the hundreds of men that I’ve been able to support. Upon our first interaction, they share with me how difficult it is to show their emotions, be themselves, shed tears, and ask for help. I show them the possibilities that there’s another way. There’s a path where you can actually be yourself without sacrificing your masculinity. There’s a way to be who you’re capable of being—without waiting for your favorite team to win the World Series to cry or stuffing your emotions with food, alcohol, and sex.
In fact, if you’re committed to living an extraordinary life, I urge you to choose yourself.
Because the more that you hide who you’re meant to be, the more stories you’ll be forced to create to keep this lie within your grasp. Men, what I most want you to know is that you do have a choice. You can hide behind the glory that is you or you can choose to create a support system to help you further embrace every part of your existence.
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Because the more that you hide who you’re meant to be, the more stories you’ll be forced to create to keep this lie within your grasp.
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I implore you to not wait a day longer. Surround yourself with peers that will fully support you without judgement. Create an environment where asking for help is encouraged. If you don’t have this already, join a men’s group, hire a coach, or get involved within an online community that will support you without judgement.
If you’d like some recommendations, I’d be more than happy to share some with you. This is a level of support that I believe all men should have regularly in their lives. Because having others that “have your back” make the next challenging day just a bit easier to navigate.
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Hey there. I wonder, do you ever think that ‘sacrificing your masculinity’ might be the best thing you could ever do? That if we all gave up acting out these excruciatingly strict roles and making these judgements of character and worth based on them, that we’d all be happier? There are vital sex differences between men and women – the human is a sexually dimorphic animal, that’s just a thing – but then we build these gender constructs on that – and it’s a hierarchy really – and it causes so much misery. I really & truly believe that in… Read more »
It’s funny how these Good Men Project articles flash up in my Twitter feed just when I need them. I wholeheartedly agree with your article Josh. I’m probably not a stereotypical male, wearing my heart on my sleeve, but just today I have proof that my internalising and lack of ability to open up to support causes pain. My girl is in the process of throwing me out and since the first day she decided to end it she immediately turned to her friends and colleagues for support. So she can rationalise everything, get the support she needs (and potentially… Read more »
Thanks this man felt his pain and relief and I cried because he had a friend who was able to just listen and not judge him for being human.
Thank you
This was an incredible article, it hit me right in the chest for sure. It made me want to just give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. Sending you a lot of love. I like articles like this that remind men that it is okay to ask for help and women that men struggle too. As a woman, that piece of the mental pie is never really shown until you are much older and until after you’ve realized how many mistakes you’ve made. I wish I would have known these things sooner and learned to be… Read more »
I really appreciate this Josh. I think that we all have to have the courage to ask for help. But also to realize that sometimes the doctors can be wrong about long term fixes. I have night terrors, anxiety attacks in my sleep. It is very annoying to the people around me. When I start sitting up in my sleep or running around a room because I think ITS AFTER ME. Worse is when someone tries to stop me and grabs a hold of me. I can hurt them really bad because I am asleep and think that IT has… Read more »
Josh,
I do and have done all of the things you listed and many more yet still hit a wall like yours.
When I found my solution, I chose to do empirical and literature research before showing others my path. I’d recommend you do the same if you’re serious about this, otherwise it is a well-meaning pseudo-science with the potential to do more harm than good. The Good Men Project should also be sourcing evidence based articles.
Thanks for your feedback Anthony. The beauty of belief-systems. A majority of the work I do is based on my own experiences so I never tell others what to do. I may suggest, but I always view all of this as an experiment. Having a support system in ANYONE’S life would be one of those suggestions.
I like cooking.
So do I Damien. So do I. 😉
love it Josh! Great to see your writing here on goodmenproject. Honored to know you for who you are and the gift you bring to this world. honored to call you brother. much love.
Hey homie! Glad to see you within the community! It’s been a wild ride over the past 6 months, hasn’t it? Appreciative of having you in my life brother.
Great post Josh. Thank you. Have you connected with the ManKind Project? Check them out. Feel free to contact me.
Thanks brother! I haven’t, but I’m familiar with them. I’m certainly going to check out their work more in-depth now! Thanks for reaching out Boysen!
thank you Josh. I have had many similar experiences and you description of how the freeing happens is eloquent. Despite being born and raised female I have the exact same responses and refrain from getting help all the time. Your candor was a great gift.
Thanks for sharing Heather-glad it resonated with you!