Why don’t we flirt anymore? Flirting is exciting, intriguing, and oh-so-FUN. It’s the necessary warm-up to ensure our chemistry is cohesive.
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Whatever happened to flirting? When was the last time we unabashedly indulged in an awesomely enticing flirting session with a supremely-talented flirtingpartner?
Oh, you know what I’m talking about: the wonderful, electrifying, quick-witted, rapid-fire, playful back-and-forth that happens between two entities exploring their budding attraction toward each other?
It can exist in something as subtle as the exchanging of an understatedly seductive glance between two fluttering eyelids. It can reside in cutting conversational words and rapid-fire responses.
It’s that nerve-racking, improvisational exercise that recklessly takes us for a dangerously thrilling joyride in a hot and fast car with no seatbelt to keep us safe.
Flirting is liberatingly playful, frustratingly intriguing, palpably exciting and oh-so-FUN (whatever happened to FUN, anyway?).
It seems to me that flirting has become an endangered art form. It’s an occurrence so rare, most of us have forgotten how to even do it. Even when we try to flirt, it seems no one can keep their noses out of their smart phones long enough to seductively lock eyes with us for even a second.
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It’s the necessary warm up, the preamble to sexual exploration; it’s the seductive pull of the heartstrings, the welcomed mind f*ck, the foreplay to foreplay, the test drive that ensures our chemistry is cohesive.
It’s what makes the single life heatedly teeming with endless excitement, for we spend our workdays wondering which sexy soul we will sinfully flirt with once night falls.
So why the hell is no one doing it anymore? It seems to me that flirting has become an endangered art form. It’s an occurrence so rare, most of us have forgotten how to even do it.
We are clueless, and we are hungry for it.
So, what’s the problem? Did the hook-up culture kill the art of flirting? Is the modern world so instantaneous — so mindlessly easy — that flirting has become too hard, has become too much work for our spoiled, over-indulged little selves?
If it’s not downloadable, if there’s no free “app” for it — we can’t figure it out.
Even when we try to flirt, it seems no one can keep their noses out of their smart phones long enough to seductively lock eyes with us for even a second.
And flirting begins in eye contact; without the meeting of the eyes, there is no absolutely no chance to flirt.
The real tricky part is this: Flirting is a muscle, like anything else. If we don’t take it the gym and exercise it regularly, our flirting physique will rapidly deteriorate.
And to put it lightly: We’re out of f*cking shape.
Has our Tinder addiction, incessant social media abuse and hankering for delivery food apps stamped out the fine art of the flirt?
Has the willingness of the masses to put out so quickly and so easily made flirting far too much blood, sweat and tears for the quick-fix Millennial?
Is our culture of f*cking before flirting, the reason dating is no longer satisfying?
Where there is no game, there is no winning.
Flirting is a wonderfully tantalizing, sheepishly innocent game that teases us with what’s to come. It’s the sexy little taste we experience before attaining the full-fledged PRIZE.
Herein lies the conundrum of the insta-hook-up culture: If you don’t dabble in a little pre-play (in other words, if you don’t dare to FLIRT), if, instead, you dive in headfirst, then scoring the goal feels dirty and cheap.
It’s like we cheated on our own team in the game against ourselves.
It’s much more gratifying to work for sex or a relationship. Think of it like this: It’s impossible to WIN when you haven’t even begun to play the game.
Where there is no challenge, there is no charm.
Let’s get real, we are human beings and we LOVE a challenge; it wildly turns us ON. A challenge is stimulating, and sexuality is all about stimulation.
Before we can be stimulated in the bedroom, we need to be stimulated with our brains.
And nothing will lubricate the mind like being put to the test with thought-provoking questions and razor-sharp wit.
When a good conversation lovingly plays with our otherwise numbed-out brains, our interest is piqued. When our interest is piqued, we are charmed.
When you challenge us, we are suddenly awakened. When you leave us flummoxed and stumbling for words, you are spicing up our day with a well-needed sprinkling of nerves.
And being made nervous is refreshingly sexy. It leaves us with thoughts of you lingering in our brains long after you leave.
Where there is no chase, there is no reward.
Oh the healthy chase, not to ever be confused with the unhealthy chase (treating us like sh*t, never calling us back — that’s NOT cute).
What we mean is this: If we get our hands on something (you) too easily and too quickly, the reward doesn’t feel special or sacred.
Don’t hand it to us just because we want it. Flirt with us first. Make us work for it, because the things we worked the hardest for are the things we value the most, right?
Where there is no conversation, there is no connection.
I believe we have two ways in which to connect: through the bending of our bodies and the bending of our brains.
However, when we connect through words first, the sex is so much more powerful.
Trust is built through conversation. When we trust whom we’re having sex with, it’s so much better.
We can read each other’s bodies with far more clarity; we’re less self-conscious and are able to plunge into all those positively subversive sexual risks when trust is present.
Where there is no banter, there is no chemistry.
If you don’t have chemistry, you don’t have sh*t. Chemistry is that special ingredient that separates friends from lovers.
How do we know if we have chemistry with another human being if we don’t talk to him or her first?
If we don’t have that tongue-in-cheek witty banter with our partners, how could we ever have enjoyable sex or long term relations with them?
How do we know if that vital ingredient of CHEMISTRY is there, when we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to flirt first?
Flirting might seem like it’s hard work, but in the long run, it saves you from a lot of time wasted having bad sex with someone you’re not compatible with.
Where there is no back and forth, there is no movement.
Move US. Not literally (at least not yet), but move our minds. Make us think. Ask us questions. Tempt us with a taste of your fresh perspective and bold opinions.
There is too much sleepy stillness in the universe, shake up our worlds — otherwise there is no point.
Where there is no laughter, there is no lust.
There is no greater turn on in the entire world than laughing. Laughing on its own feels so f*cking good, it’s almost sexual in of itself.
Mix laughter with inherent physical attraction, and we are in the throes of an irrepressible lust.
Flirting is about making us laugh. Making us forget about our high anxiety, endless work meetings and sky-high ambitions. We lose ourselves in laughter, like we lose ourselves in love.
By Zara Barrie
Originally published at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Zara Barrie is a writer for Elite Daily. She graduated from The New York Conservatory For Dramatic Arts, and holds honorary master’s degree in making mistakes. She’s consumed by all things pertaining to style, sexuality and words.
——Photo: Getty Images
I think flirting still exists in the singles’ world. Perhaps even more important is the need for flirting in the marrieds’ world. Continued flirting is what keeps marriage exciting and fresh.
Typo
You just love it ,don’t you Ed?
I leave this debate since I have no respect for you and your so called facts .
It looks like the comment I made before this is lost. So let me try one more time. 1: where I live it is against the law to film and publish it without consent 2: the more videos like these that men put online to harass women,the harder it will be for all men to get a date from a woman.she knows he can have friends filming her and the intent in evil. But here men witnout ethics, film and publish videos about women to show that women have bad values . It is dome in a hateful way,full of… Read more »
Ed One more thing. The more videos men produced like this that is fact unethical , the more difficult it will be for any man to get a date. The more men harass women the way they do by putting videos like this online the more distrustful more women will be to strangers that approach them in the street. And for good reason. You hate that some women admire men that can do a good job and get others to pay him well for his skills. That is OK,as long as you as a man bring a lot of others… Read more »
Ed
Do you think these videos would be accepted as good valid reliable research , about what women world wide are like , by university professors?
I know the answer to that .
Women that hate men could make up videos like this trash to expres their comtemt for all men.
All it takes is hate and contempt ….
Guys, I hear your pain on the troubles of approaching women in public. I don’t particularly enjoy being “approached” by strangers completely out of the blue — I don’t know anyone who does. But this article seems to be more about flirting with people we are on a date with, which IS an important part of that elusive “chemistry.” If you are trying to meet strangers, starting out with sexual flirting is usually a bad idea, but saying hi, making small talk about the weather or the long line, just to see if she is willing to chat with you…… Read more »
Ed
If women often are attracted to men in power,why do you use that fact to invalidate women who say they do not like to be hit on in the street?
You mix two different phenomena here.
Men often like young hot women and still some men have a sugar mamma ( that is not young nor hot )
to pay their bills.
ed
I have often wondered why some men are so fond of evolutionary psychology and never read up on the debate on those hypotheses.
There are NO agreement about this ideas among reseachers in a lot of different fields and you know that very well,
Ed, it may surprise you but I don’t really disagree with you. Power and status are an aphrodesiac for women and it makes complete sense from an evolutionary perspective. Imagine you are a woman in a paleolithic tribe. What are the biggest threats to your survival and your children? (1) starvation, (2) being abducted by men from another tribe or even your own tribe (read up on violence, kidnapping and rape in hunter gatherer societies — it’s shockingly common). A paleolithic woman would be stupid to pick a man who isn’t a successful hunter and can’t protect her from other… Read more »
Guys, there’s no point in commenting on these articles. The author will never actually see them, and even if she does, she probably wont respond to them.
You can only do the same dance so many times before it gets old. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.
Because the only difference between flirting and harassment is the willingness of your partner.
Establish wiingness first, then flirt.
Because many women are recovering from people whom played their heart by only flirting and then leaving them when they felt a deeper bond. That really hurts. It takes time to heal from. It make it feel as if the person whom flirted took cheap thrills and then left you in pain.
Because it’s potentially sexual harassment, and many women have written articles with thousands of “Do not’s” to the point that many men aren’t interested in taking a risk to see if flirting and approaching women is going to be like russian roulette with her appreciating it, or feeling threatened, sexually harassed, and probably ready to write more articles about it. “Don’t assume I am open to flirting because I am in public!!!11!1” Articles like this will exist. Like ok….Do we take the chance? You may or may not want to flirt with me but as a man has to do… Read more »
Unless both parties have filled out and signed the requisite paperwork, flirting is rapey.
Thumbs up to Persuit and Ed
And again I get the very popular, “Your comment is awaiting moderation.”. Sometimes I liked it better when I was just banned.
I’ll take a crack at the question. How about because one woman’s flirt is another woman’s sexual harassment. You can’t be a good man and sexually harass women ergo no flirting/sexual harassment. Unless you believe a few harassment complaints in your history just proves your out there trying, but making the obligatory mistakes.