Divorce is hard, but this team will help you get through even the hardest parts.
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During a divorce, you should have a team. Whether you are about to enter divorce proceedings, in the midst of a divorce or emerging from a divorce, you should have a lineup of people to support, guide and advise you in the process. Do not do the lone wolf, strong, silent, “man up” mode. It can kill you or others.
A divorce can be like a hurricane. It blows through all parts of your life…
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“Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.” (Smashing Pumpkins, Bullet on Butterfly Wings). That was how I often felt during my divorce. Full of rage. Like a rat in a cage. I was angry, and I often turned it both inward and outward. Turning it inward led to depression. Turning it outward alienated people in my life. See media stories for guys who take the next step and take their life or others.
A divorce can be like a hurricane. It blows through all parts of your life – the legal, financial, emotional, mental and relational centers. With the right players on your roster, you can hold your center and not lose your bearings. Without a team, you risk being cast adrift, blown off course and perhaps headed for a shipwreck on the rocks.
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The following is the team lineup that I suggest:
- Lawyer
- Accountant
- Counselor
- Friend(s)
- Group(s)
First, you need a divorce lawyer. You need someone who concentrates in “divorce” or “family law.” You need someone who litigates cases in court. Do not get someone who dabbles in divorce law or someone who will “handle” your case but will not go to hearing or trial. The reason for getting a divorce lawyer is so you have competent, assertive legal representation that can protect your rights. Trust me or not on this. But as a divorced lawyer, I speak from some knowledge, experience and observation.
I am not advocating that you engage in a hardball, scorched earth, take no prisoners approach. In fact, I strongly support a cordial negotiated dissolution. You can keep your lawyer in your back pocket when and if needed. If you do not have such a weapon so to speak, you run the tremendous risk of getting yourself wiped out if your spouse has some hardcore mouthpiece representing her.
Second, you need an accountant. Property division, alimony and child support allocations can have tax implications. You have enough to deal with in navigating the divorce; you do not need to add the IRS to the mix.
With a solid lineup of teammates, you will survive your divorce and perhaps eventually thrive.
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Third, you need some type of counselor, pastor or therapist. You need to share your insides with a trained pro. Even if just one time. Your friends and family can only take and process so much of your angst. Maybe you need just one visit. You may learn that you have stuff inside you of which you were unaware. There are plenty of caring, empathetic, counselors out there. Find one.
Fourth, you need a friend or friends who are wise, caring and confidential. You need a place to dump without being judged or criticized. You need the warmth of a “friend” who loves and appreciates you for who you are.
Fifth, you need a divorce support group of some type. Not a complaint festival, but people looking to keep their heads and hearts up. A group with some operating credo with ethics and rules and that has a mission of bringing people onward and not stuck in the past. Not a hookup or party group. Having fun is fine. But you need a place where you do not feel like an alien. And going through a divorce with others can help you feel more “normal.”
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With a solid lineup of teammates, you will survive your divorce and perhaps eventually thrive. Without people on your team, the divorce process could cause you all sorts of unnecessary beatings and pain. Much of the pain will be self-inflicted and avoidable if you gather wise counsel.
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Photo: Flickr/ Tony Guyton
For men if you want to have a shot at custody, your support team should also include people who could babysit.
Always be prepared the Boy Scouts say. And if something bad has a 50% chance of happening you would be foolish not to be prepared for it. Good article.