The culture of manhood has changed, and so must our approach to raising boys.
—
Let’s talk about boys.
I’ve got a tough job ahead of me. With two sons making their way through the world, my burden is heavy. Because my boys are on their way to becoming men and men, well, men have been getting a bad rap lately.
Men are controlling and misogynistic and sexist. Men are demeaning. Men are overpowering. Men are entitled. Men are violent. Men are abusers. Men are murderers. Men are rapists.
I am confronted, daily, with all these indictments on men and as I look at my sons I wonder how am I going to raise the man out of them? How do I stop them from becoming a man as our society sees men?
Let’s just be clear. It is never the victim’s fault.
|
Of course, the truth is my boys are not rapists. Nor are they murderers. My boys are already showing all good signs of becoming impressive, engaged citizens of the world. At 8 and 10 I haven’t yet had to sit down and have the ‘consent conversation’ with them because, well I’ve been teaching them those lessons their whole life. I can’t imagine there will come a time that I need to specifically teach my sons to not rape. Just as my husband was never specifically taught that lesson.
◊♦◊
There are good men in this world. Almost every man that I have chosen to have in my life, is a good man. Which is not to say that I haven’t come across my share of bad men. I know a few of them too, some of which triggered an instinct in me very quickly but others that travelled where all the scariest people live – just under the radar. I learned my lesson with those men the hard way. But I still learned.
But violence against women will only stop when men stop perpetrating it, right? We just need to teach men not to hurt women. Well… it’s not that black and white in my view. Should that philosophy also then apply to paedophiles? We just need to teach them to NOT be sick fuckers. Oh right! I wish I’d thought of that. Because it’s our children’s RIGHT to be safe in this world. We shouldn’t have to protect them or teach them to be safe because that is VICTIM SHAMING. Do you see where I’m going with this?
As I help my boys navigate their way through their lives I am acutely aware of the confusion surrounding their journey… not the least of which is my own.
|
Let’s just be clear. It is never the victim’s fault. Whether they are girls, women, boys or men. It is never their fault. The blame must always lay firmly and squarely on the shoulders of the bastard that hurt the victim. It is always the perpetrator’s DECISION to rape/molest/torture/murder that is responsible for the crime and never the victim’s choices, no matter how vulnerably they may lay themselves bare. Vulnerability should never be an invitation for violence or trespass. Just because a car is unlocked does not mean that the contents within are free for the taking. Theft is still theft, regardless of the circumstance.
But here’s the thing. We still lock our car doors because while 99 percent* of the community will recognize the morality of that situation, it is the 1 percent* that we must all worry about. The opportunists. The deranged. The evil. The psychopaths and the sociopaths. The outliers. For these minority of cockroaches no amount of TELLING them NOT to hurt or steal is going to work. No measure of EDUCATION will protect us from them.
◊♦◊
“But we must teach our boys” is the message we are getting loud and clear.
Teach them what exactly? As I help my boys navigate their way through their lives I am acutely aware of the confusion surrounding their journey… not the least of which is my own.
My generation of men was raised differently to the generation of my sons. Boys were to be tough. They were taught to stand up for themselves. If someone hits you, hit ‘em back. But not a girl! Boys must never hit girls. You can be forceful with them though, especially if the girl is asking for it. Tarts ask for it. In all other times, treat them like a lady. Do well at sports. Don’t wear pink. Don’t be gay, it’s gay. Don’t run like a girl. Don’t cry, only girls cry. Be brave. You don’t need a hug! A good tousle of the hair should be enough for you, young man. We don’t want to mollycoddle you! Be the man of the house, even if you’re only a boy. Man up. Have some balls. Don’t be a wimp. Be reliable. Sow your oats while you can. Then find a good woman. Be a good husband. Be a provider. Don’t beat your wife. You wear the pants.
It sounds pretty ridiculous and dated BUT it’s also pretty easy to follow. My generation of men and the generations before them were not confused. There was one path for them to follow. It was not, by any means, the right path for all men but it was widely known as the man’s path nonetheless.
But now that it’s me, mother of two growing men, my perspective has shifted. And so has the notion of equality.
|
My sons are fortunate enough to be born into a generation with infinitely more choice than the generations before them. But you know what else comes with great choice? The pressure of having to make a decision. The bravery to go your own way. The strength to commit to a path that is scary. And confusion. Confusion is the enemy of choice.
◊♦◊
Never before have men as a whole been as confused as they are today, nor as depressed. According to the ABS, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for males in Australia. Our men don’t know how to cope with all this confusion. For we have focused so intently on some of our greatest advancements to empower women that, in doing so, have disempowered men.
Woohoo!!!! Victory! That’s the fight we’ve been fighting isn’t it?
Well, yes. And no.
You see when it was just me, woman, pitching against the collective man I was passionate in my cause. What do we want? Equality! When do we want it? Now!
But now that it’s me, mother of two growing men, my perspective has shifted. And so has the notion of equality.
Did their mums also stay up until the early hours of the evenings wondering how best to turn their sons into men?
|
I watch and I read and I try to interpret the multitude of mixed messages that are thrown at men every day so that I can deliver to my charges the most concise lessons in manhood possible. I don’t do this alone. I discuss, at length, all the lessons and the directions and values with my husband – their, very present, father. But he struggles too. He is an old-school man. Strong and reliable. A good husband and capable provider. Handy on the tools and short on affection. It is the way he knows. It is the way of his father. It is not the way of today though, so in teaching our boys he is learning a new path too. And so now I am on the path to today’s manhood with three boys… and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing.
What I do know though, is that all those bastard men that have killed, raped and abused women [and men!] were once little boys too.
Did their mums also stay up until the early hours of the evenings wondering how best to turn their sons into men? At what point did their path deviate? What opportunity was missed to teach those valuable lessons? Is it as simple as that? God, I fucking hope not. Because if it all comes down to one lesson that I need to teach my kids. One missed opportunity that will shape them into a rapist or not. Then I’m never sleeping again.
* I HAVE NO EVIDENCE THAT THESE PERCENTAGES ARE ACCURATE. I’M GENERALISING.
This article was originally published on Seventies Baby. Read the original article.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
Too bad today, society does follow group perceptions as gospel. – Yes, we do have a kind of group perception taught by some parents, teachers, and media that boys/men are bad and dangerous. This is increasing and is creating more contempt for boys and men in school, on the job, and more in the media. Despite the fact good mothers are trying to create as much kindness, goodness, and other supportive treatment, our sons are still facing, even when being the same, kind, caring persons, a continuous onslaught of contemptuous reprimands from teachers, harsh disciplines for even very minor issues,… Read more »
Actually, Clara, she also said she’s raising her husband. Hope he doesn’t hear about this….. Maybe I do. She doesn’t know what to do? Generations of people actually knew.
I’m also taken aback by the back lash. She clearly states her dismay at the stereo types out there, which she clearly doesn’t agree with. Well – written article. And if it’s written from a woman’s perspective, well, I guess that’s coz she IS one. I agree, boys need men to raise them, but in this imperfect world, the men in their lives could be the worst influence of all. And the mother is left with no option but to do the best she can. I try my best to ensure my boys are around positive, respectful, strong men. Not… Read more »
Daniel. I see it your way. Problem is with the stereotypers, not with the boys she’s raising. She’s not interested in going after the stereotypers. Which,when you think about it, would be the thing to do.
Wow so many nasty comments from people not hearing the conversation Tan was having with you all!. I think you all have totally misinterpreted or misunderstood what she was saying, which is sad because this article was so well written and relatable, talking bout the struggle every caring family with young boys has.
“And so now I am on the path to today’s manhood with three boys… and none of us know what the fuck we’re doing.”
Kim, how much respect would you have for a man who referred to his wife as a child?
8ball. It’s perfectly okay because it’sdifferent, don’t you see.
*facepalm*
Fantastic response. You really convinced me.
I nearly threw up several times while reading this sexist dribble. “Men are controlling and misogynistic and sexist. Men are demeaning. Men are overpowering. Men are entitled. Men are violent. Men are abusers. Men are murderers. Men are rapists.” but apparently “There are good men in this world.” she claims. Apparently, she met a couple and chose to hang with them. How encouraging that not every one of us is a vile horrible creature – apparently, there are a couple of good men around…somewhere. So how does a bigoted sexist raise her boys so they won’t be like all those… Read more »
The way I read the article was that men are portrayed in this manner in the media and that the writer believes these are stereotypes. And that she is wondering how she and her husband can raise their boys, or is it all random?
Oh good, at least someone gets it!
Is there a man in this kids life? If so, where is he in all of this?
Tom Brechlin you clearly didn’t read the article properly or you would have read the paragraph talking about her husband, the boy’s very present father. Prehaps before judging you should read the article in full, not just the bits you want to read. “I watch and I read and I try to interpret the multitude of mixed messages that are thrown at men every day so that I can deliver to my charges the most concise lessons in manhood possible. I don’t do this alone. I discuss, at length, all the lessons and the directions and values with my husband… Read more »
John, I think you’ve hit the accelerator and rocketed off in the wrong direction. The author listed all the nasty stereotypes of men reinforced by the behaviour of SOME men that unfortunately throws out a stink worn by ALL men. She see her work as ensuring her boys never fall into the category of the SOME who contaminate the good name of ALL. If all parents raised their sons and daughters with an eye to eliminating damaging stereotypes, both male and female, the ‘some’ of both sexes would eventually become the rare exceptions that no longer stand as proof of… Read more »
Suicide the tenth leading cause of death in Aussie men. That means there are nine worse. And you lay the cause as confusion. You know this how? Who’s doing the confusing? Wasn’t me. You recall those Rape of Nanking guys? Yeah. Them. Who stood between them and you? Such few hard-ass Diggers who weren’t in North Africa tearing the guts out of Rommel’s army, and the U.S. Marines. And the U. S. Navy. Lost a carrier and a lot of guys at the Coral Sea. When you get through raising your boys to a new paradigm, will they be able… Read more »
Better title … The Modern Challenge for women to turn Boys Into Men” I mean, that’s what this article is all about, right? A women raising boys?
Including her husband, apparently.
It took A LOT to get through this article. Here is one place to start teaching our boys and that’s their having MEN in their lives. Here is another … tell the countless women that these boys need men in their lives. Acknowledge the fact that women can’t do it alone without MEN in these boys lives. I was really thrown when I read the “old” stereotypes of men which in reality represented a small percentage of men? Another suggestion MOM, is to quit playing a victim when you’re NOT a victim. Sorry I don’t have my thoughts together but… Read more »
Since men aren’t all those nasty things, it seems sort of a waste of time to teach them not to be those nasty things. Might better address the morons who falsely claim men are all those nasty things. You know, the stereotypers.