Jordan Gray says that there is one simple question you should ask yourself when you are starting to date someone new.
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I have been a serial monogamist for the past fifteen years.
I have dated younger women, older women, women in my neighbourhood, and women across the country.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about what makes a relationship work or not, it’s the following…
Ask yourself this question to know whether or not you should be dating the person you are and your entire life will benefit.
Do you feel compelled or do you feel cornered?
So simple, yet so often ignored.
A lot of people pursue relationship partners for reasons that don’t serve the relationship. They’re bored. They’re lonely. They want to date the person just to prove that they can.
In reality, you should only pursue a relationship with someone (or even a first date with someone) when you feel genuinely compelled to.
And when I say compelled I mean “Wow! I am aware of all of the other options in my life but THAT one makes my heart sing. I would do anything to go on a date with them!”
There’s already enough settling in the world. Too many people settle into jobs that don’t light them up. Too many people engage in hobbies because that’s what their friends are doing. And too many people engage in surface level intimate relationships because it beats falling asleep alone.
So what does this feeling of being compelled look like in practice?
Initial Attraction
Time stands still. Your heart beat slows down… and then speeds up rapidly. Everything else falls away.
When you first see them, you’ll understand why so many cultural references talk about love at first sight. You won’t feel like you’re in love necessarily, but your heart will spring into action.
Your heart will call out to you, “THAT one!”
First Date
It won’t really matter where you go or what you do. Your mind, body, and heart will just be excited to be in their presence.
Their inner beauty will floor you. Your heart will skip a beat every time they smile. You will feel overjoyed to have them one on one.
You’ll want to gift them with an amazing date on every level. You want their experience to be as effortless as the conversation has been.
Third Date
You’ll have thoughts of “Is it normal to like them this much already?”
The time you spend together will only be increasingly fun/easy/natural.
You’ll think “How soon is too soon to make this relationship a thing?”
Solidifying the relationship
You won’t ask them to be with you just because you feel like that’s what people are meant to do after 3/5/7/10 dates…
You won’t do it because your friends are giving you a hard time for not locking them down…
You won’t do it because you feel like that’s what you ‘should’ do.
You’ll do it because it would feel like an honour to be in a relationship with them. You’ll do it because you’re already so proud of who they are as a person. You’ll do it because you’ll be asking yourself “How could I NOT ask them to be my partner?”
During the relationship
While every relationship takes effort, the one you feel deeply compelled into will feel like it nearly runs on autopilot.
You’ll look for ways to improve their life because you want to, not because it’s the thing to do.
You’ll want to listen to them about their day, their dreams, their aspirations… because just hearing them talk feels like a gift to your ears.
You’ll know that the societally reinforced concepts of the seven year itch, or the high divorce rate don’t apply to you. You’ll have always been different as a couple and you don’t pay any attention to how others expect you to behave in your relationship. You’ll happily make up your own rules as you go along in your committed intimacy because that’s what you’ve always done. Your love has always been a little bit outside the box and you’re happy keeping it that way.
Compelled Vs. Cornered
So which are you feeling right now… compelled or cornered?
Are you passionately into your partner? Do you want to love them up and make their life better? Or are you just going through the motions?
Save yourself, and your partner, the time and only lean into relationships that you feel compelled towards.
No more settling. The world deserves your deep love in all of its glory.
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You Might Also Like These Posts From The Good Men Project
..3 Things to Remember When Falling In Love | Compliments Men Would Love to Hear More Often | ..7 Things Men Want In a Relationship | Why You Need to Date Someone Who Scares You |
Good Men Project Readers! Click here to find out how to be the most satisfying lover of her life, with a free training by Jordan Gray.
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship
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This originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
After years of shitty relationships, I took time to reflect and gave myself time to heal so that I would know what I wanted and needed. It was only then that I experiened what you wrote in your article. I never thought it was possible before until it actually happened to me. And there are so many comments saying that this is bullshit and I totally get why you feel that way. There’s probably nothing anyone can say that can change your mind but experiencing it yourself (and I hope someday you do because it’s a ride like nothing else!)… Read more »
I have to say, though the writer means well, I think this is crap. The article simply describes the standard falling in love sequence. You can fall in love with people who are entirely unsuitable for you, who will dick you over in the end, and feel all these things in the process, including the feeling that your love is different from all the others and will never fail. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s what comes after that sequence that determines whether there is any substance to it at all. When you’re in the thick of new love, you can… Read more »
Eva the answer is so simple but nobody is capable of doing it anymore . …don’t sleep with them for a long time..Take your time, don’t sleep with them too quickly, know that the person loves your heart not just your body.
Eva the answer is so simple but nobody is capable of doing it anymore . …don’t sleep with them for a long time…
The only problem with this is, how do you know which of these two the other person is? In my latest relationship, I was compelled, he was apparently cornered. While I was investing every bit of myself into the relationship, he was just going through the motions, because I was convenient for him. As soon as he had another option, he bailed, to my complete surprise. Any suggestions on how to know the other person is equally invested?
I am a woman with integrity; when I go on a date with someone I am honest from the get go. No games no hidden agendas. However, people do not appreciate that and get greedy and lie just to keep you around, even though they have no long term intention. From one person who dates with integrity, there are 100 who do not.
You make it sound so easy.
What if I’m the one who feels compelled and she’s the one who feels cornered?
Huh? What then?
Brilliant. I haven’t even read the whole thing yet, but that is a perfect question.
I love this article. Currently what I am experiencing now. Not yet dating. But always on the same wavelength! We know this because we tell each other. We feel this simply when embracing one another. When we’re away from one another. We went from can you believe this? Is it real? Do you feel the way i feel? Yes its real! Embrace it and don’t run away from it.
I’ll be sending this article to my partner for his own consideration. Thank you.
Silke, perhaps that would as well work for you as — offering it to someone you are seeing after a while, to think about.
Deciding that past negative experiences will not be allowed to prevent one from choosing to trust someone new is the greatest defense against becoming complicit with one’s own denial of fulfilling relationships.
Best of luck!
Hi Jordan
Good.
But tell us how can every one of us see if the other feels like what you describe here?
To avoid being used is the problem for many.
If everybody had ethics like you describe here ,then life would easier for all of us.
I simply cannot agree more with this. Integrity. The number of times that I have now come across women who claim to be emotionally available to someone who wants to be vulnerable with her, and yet the words that come out of one’s mouth that simply does not match up with actions is, well, deflating.
Men – if you find a woman with integrity, she is already amazing.
^^^EXACTLY.