In long term relationships one size rarely fits all, here’s why…
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I had an interesting conversation with my partner the other day. We were discussing whether it was possible to have a satisfying and fulfilling relationship with the same person throughout the entire adult life-cycle. We both came to the conclusion, based on our respective personal experiences and what we’ve observed in others, that it would be difficult at best. And the reasoning we came up with goes a long way to explain why so many marriages end up in divorce or devolve to roommate status.
She’ll Make a Great Mom
I remember my first significant relationship so clearly. I was in my 20’s and head over heals for her to the point of near obsession. She was smart, gorgeous and very sensual –all qualities that triggered deeply visceral reactions that I had trouble comprehending at the time. However, I was semi-conscious enough even in her presence to know that her self-centeredness pretty much eliminated her as a suitable mom to my future kids.
A few years later I met the woman that was to become my wife and mother of our two wonderful (now adult) children. Unlike my “first love”, she and I were a not a perfect romantic nor sensual match. However, I found her deep sense of nurturing to be a welcome relief from the narcissism encountered so frequently in the dating scene. I just knew she would be a great mom and felt that we connected on so many other levels (if not exactly the best sexually speaking) that I asked her to marry me.
Here’s the thing. We both knew we were not perfect for each other. What I think brought us both together initially is that we were essentially sizing each other up as potential parents. I just knew she’d be a loving, nurturing mother and she knew I’d be a faithful husband and great provider. We were both right, but it also marked the eventual failure of our marriage.
Great Parents Don’t Necessarily Make Great Partners
For the most part we were very good parents. We couldn’t be more pleased with the way our kids turned out. In many other ways however we couldn’t be more different. Prior to getting married we talked about what we wanted out of life. She said she wanted a house with a white picket fence, two kids, a dog and cat –essentially live a “normal” Leave-It-to-Beaver life (her words, not mine). To which I responded that “normal” was the last thing I desired. I was here to “change the world”. And, sexually speaking, we were poles apart as well.
Eventually our differences, along with the increasing focus on raising our kids, started driving a deeper and deeper wedge between us.
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The first few years of our marriage were actually pretty good. We started a very successful business together often working till midnight without a care but ourselves. Then came the children and… that changed everything. Eventually our differences, along with the increasing focus on raising our kids, started driving a deeper and deeper wedge between us. Little wounds turned into ugly scars that never fully healed. To bury the pain she focused exclusively on the kids and I threw myself into my work feeling, somewhat self-pityingly, that being a good provider was my primary value to our family.
Authentic communication was our marriage’s first fatality. Then our sex life (which was never really great to begin with due to our sensual differences) waned to the point of complete celibacy after the first 15 years. Then I finally ended the marriage after 26 years when our youngest left for college.
In retrospect I don’t see any of this as a “failure”. We were mismatched to be sure, but even if we had been “perfect” for each other, chances are the marriage still wouldn’t have made it (i.e. been completely fulfilling). This is due to the inherent changing rolls we take on during the typical life cycle of every marriage.
A Partner for Every Life Cycle
Every relationship goes through a lifecycle of changes both internal and external. And in our discussions my current Life Partner and I came to the conclusion that it is nearly impossible for most to survive throughout all of them.
There are very few things you can mutually choose to do together that causes as much stress on a relationship as having children.
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In the beginning you start out as lovers and (hopefully) best friends. During this phase you each focus intently on the other and, if highly compatible, everything should work out just fine. The next phase is starting a life together. This means working together or separately to contribute to the common financial good and mutually secure future. While certainly a source of more stress, it usually isn’t a deal breaker unless there is a big mismatch on how each of you view finances.
Then comes the third phase, children. Talk about throwing a monkey wrench into the works. There are very few things you can mutually choose to do together that causes as much stress on a relationship as having children. Trust me, whatever minor problems you may have had prior to them get magnified manifold thanks to those cute little rug rats. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore my kids and couldn’t imagine my life without them. However, it is when they started showing up that things started to go downhill with our marriage in an ever accelerating way.
The fourth phase is after the kids are gone and you both look at each other and wonder “What now?” Keep in mind that physiologically speaking the female partner’s ideas about what constitutes deep intimacy may have changed significantly from the “rip our clothes off” stage. Whereas the male often sees intercourse as “the way we always did it”. That alone can cause significant issues during this shift to becoming empty nesters (and is a topic for a whole other article).
If too much damage was caused during the raising the kids period, chances are your marriage will not endure, or worse, turns into a roommate situation. This is what I call “preferring the certainty of our misery together” rather than risk the misery of uncertainty that comes with exploring new options. If the desire for comfort trumps the need for fulfilment then the couple stays together. Otherwise, like mine, one or both of the partners choose to explore what’s possible with another partner for true relationship fulfilment.
Back to the Beginning
I am now with the love of my life. We are both older and somewhat wiser. It is this wisdom born of age and previous travails that provides the clarity of knowing exactly with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives, and why.
In a sense, we are both back to the period of being in love, best friends and fully focused on each other. Would we still be this way if we had raised a family together? Statistically speaking, not likely. However, it’s a moot point because having kids is simply not in the cards.
So is it reasonable to envision having a different partner for some of the different phases of relationship? It may not be conventional, but why not? The more I think about it and reflect back on my previous marriage and what I observe in others, the more it makes sense.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that every relationship is doomed if they have kids. I will say this however: If you do want your relationship to survive for the long term through all phases in a totally fulfilling way it is absolutely crucial to remember how it started in the first place. The day you stop treating your spouse like you did before you had the joy and chaos of children together is the day your relationship begins to end.
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