Jed Diamond wants to know why you won’t let him babysit your kids.
Women have rightly fought hard to change attitudes that unfairly label women as too soft, too emotional, or too “hormonal” to be successful. But men, too, are the victims of sexist attitudes that need to be challenged. Writer, Mark Trueblood, stands up for men in an article, Why CNN Owes Father’s An Apology. The CNN article suggested that if a man was supervising a sleepover with his teenaged daughter and her friends, there was more risk of sexual abuse than if the mother was supervising the kids. “This article coldly slaps divorced dads, fathers, and men in general as assumed child molesters,” says Trueblood. Many men and women agreed with him.
I know I’m dating myself to tell you I grew up watching the T.V. series, Father Knows Best starring Robert Young as the wise and caring, Jim Anderson who was always the ideal father to his children Betty (Princess), James Jr. (Bud), and Kathy (Kitten). My family wasn’t like that. I was an only child being raised by a divorced Mom, but I longed for an ideal family where fathers were loving, caring, and supportive.
But, life moves on. I got older, went to college, got married, and my wife and I had two children, Jemal and Angela. Both of us worked and we were both involved in the lives of our kids. We joined a baby-sitting co-op where Moms and Dads could watch the kids of their friends, get credits, so that they could have friends watch their own kids when they wanted to go out. It was a great arrangement.
Like many couples we loved our children, but over the years the stresses of life pulled our marriage apart. My first encounter with sexism occurred after the divorce. The children spent half time with me and half time with my ex-wife. We were still in the co-op and my wife continued to watch our friend’s kids and have them watch ours when she wanted to go out. But once we were divorced no one called me to watch their kids. When I asked what was going on I was told, “Some of the parents are uncomfortable with you. They wonder why you would want to baby sit other people’s kids. They’re suspicious.”
I was totally shocked. I finally sputtered out, “Well, the same reason I watched kids when I was married. I love kids. I have two of my own, in case you haven’t noticed. And I still would like to get away occasionally for a few hours to run errands or whatever … Just like the other parents.” It didn’t do any good. People were still suspicious of a single Dad who loved little kids and stopped asking me to watch their children.
♦◊♦
My second experience with sexism occurred when I began to volunteer in my kid’s schools. I had time during the day since I was a therapist and writer. I think I was the only Dad who was a regular in the class rooms. All the other parents were mothers. I was proud to be helping and having a chance to see my son and daughter in their school environments. I also felt good to be bringing some adult male energy into an environment that was dominated by women.
I assisted the teachers in any way they felt was helpful. I particularly enjoyed working in my daughter’s school when she was 9 or 10. The teacher wanted me to help kids that were having trouble with their writing skills. I would bend down, often put a hand on their arm or back for support and comfort, as I did when helping my own kids, and reassure them that they were competent and could do the assignment. I helped and they seemed to appreciate my supportive presence.
One day my daughter came up to me after class and told me that “the kids don’t want you touching them.” At first I thought she was joking. She and I would kid each other a lot. But she was serious. I asked her what she meant, but she just shrugged and said the teacher had said something to her. I went and talked to the teacher and she said she was uncomfortable with the way I touched the girls in the class and she thought it best if I helped in ways where I wasn’t in physical contact with the kids. I asked if one of the kids had complained. She was vague in her reply.
I told her that her suggestion, that I was touching the girls inappropriately, was ridiculous. The way I touched the kids was no different than the way I touched my own children and I touched my son the same way I touched my daughter, with love, care, and support. I became more enraged, the more we talked and I eventually stormed out of her office. I never came back.
At home alone I quizzed myself. Was I touching the girls differently than the boys? Was there something about me that was unsafe? I felt dirty and ashamed, even though I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. I felt misunderstood and alone. I talked to my daughter and tried to explain my feelings of despair. Looking back now, with many years in between, I wish I had been stronger in my own defense and in the defense of fathers and men.
Clearly this kind of sexism isn’t going away any time soon. I do think things are better for men than when I was a young father. But the big difference is that more and more men and women are standing up and speaking out against sexism in all its forms. When men are told that their interest in small children is suspect, that touching children with kindness and love is inappropriate, everyone loses, particularly the children.
—Photo Tobyotter/Flickr
About Jed Diamond Ph.D
David. They wouldn’t approach you. They’d approach the authorities, whoever they might be.
My wife used to teach HS spanish and I helped chaperone trips abroad. My primary job was watching people who were watching us, especially those who tried to pretend they weren’t watching us. In four trips the worst thing was a kid got his wallet stolen, but, as he said, he wasn’t carrying it as we told him to. Plus, everybody but me got the Toltec Twostep in Mexico one time.
The tour companies put various groups together until they have three dozen or so, justifying the guide and the bus and whatnot. At one point, I noticed a girl in another group was limping. I found out from the teacher the girl had some kind of ankle issue. I volunteered to get an Ace bandage–a hoot, since I had to pantomime it, not speaking Spanish. I know Spanish for beer, but not for Ace bandage. Eventually, having cracked up a couple of pharmacists, I got the thing and went to her room, which was a six-person place. I had lots of spectators as I did the figure-eight thing, for a minute. And then the others started to leave. I got the last one to stay and watch me fooling with a teenage girl’s foot on the grounds she might have to do it, since you can’t do it to your own ankle. All I needed was to have had thirty seconds alone and some kid who was annoyed at me. Although I was officially only watching our kids, chaperones of the other groups had unofficially told their kids to listen to me, since I was the only adult male around. So I might have told somebody to stop something dumb and ….
That’s all it takes. It doesn’t happen often, but that’s all it takes. The key here is…there’s nothing I could have done about it afterwards. Nothing. I’d be hosed.
“Looking back now, with many years in between, I wish I had been stronger in my own defence and in the defence of fathers and men.”
This kind of prejudice is so shocking that a father can feel disarmed and unable to respond when it happens. Like you, I spent many hours rehearsing what I “should” or “could” have said after I was victimized by prejudice while showering my son in a public bathroom.
In August of 2011 I often took my son Michael to swimming lessons. After swimming, I gave my son a shower and then put on his clothes. This ended when two women wearing Indian saris followed me into the men’s bathroom and watched me showering my son. It quickly became clear that they were suspicious of me and what I was doing with a child in a bathroom.
On my way out, one of the women volunteered “sorry, but we had to be sure.” I never took my son back to swimming lessons. His mother takes him now.
Anthony, thanks for sharing your experience. I think we are all empowered, validated, and supported when we tell our stories. Blessings.
I think the prejudices you talk about here are very real, and unfortunate.
But I would like to point out that women in public schools also have to be very careful about how they touch the kids. As an elementary school teacher, I made a point to keep physical touching to a minimum. Younger kids especially can be very physically affectionate, and you have to learn how to “hug” the child in a way that involves minimal bodily contact. Not all kids like to be touched on the arm or on the back, especially by someone who is not in their family. And adults working in schools have to be hyper-aware to not create even the remotest appearance of impropriety.
I’ve had these conversations with female teachers. They really do deal with this. They know that the most innocent touching can be misconstrued or twisted. So they don’t do it.
I also remember a math teacher I had in 7th grade. She did something similar to what you described. She would put her hand on students’ backs while she was helping them. Or on their shoulders or arms.
We used to call her “the molester.”
So this may indeed happen more to men than to women. But it’s definitely not exclusive to men.
Rebecca, I know it it happens to women as well. I think it says something about the state of our world (and the media that often blow things out of proportion) that caring adults are afraid to touch children. And children are growing up to become touch deprived adults who are afraid of touching. I’m glad I continue to touch and hug and choose to believe that most people will understand it for it it is, good old fashioned love for our children.
P.S. It may have something to do with the reason my son (who just passed 40) continues to kiss me (as well as his friends, his wife, and his children) on the lips and has done so from the time he was born and hopefully we’ll be hugging and kissing to the day that we die.
Seems to me there are two questions:
Are more people going to be creeped out by being touched, or by not being touched?
Does touching provide more grounds for suspicion than not touching?
A third one would be, do we really think an instant’s touch in first-grade arithmetic is any substantial portion of a kid’s touch experience during the day? I submit they can get by without it and the teacher’s touch isn’t as important as some may think. So be safe.
I believe in being safe, but in also giving my children and any other children in my care the love and touch they need and deserve.
I have always felt that the biggest problem is the notion that “Children don’t lie about sex abuse” is a mantra.
The problem is that most people ‘in the industry’ assume this means that every accusation is 100% accurate and real. They just don’t seem to get that children can be taught to say things that they really do believe are true but are in fact implanted memories. Some very famous cases have resulted.
Jed. When my kids were little, I frequently looked after them and their little friends. Ditto my granddaughter. Except for administrative reasons–putting in high chair, etc.–I didn’t touch the the others.
Much to my surprise…they survived. Yeah, I know about the terry-cloth monkey moms and the failure-to-thrive Nazi experiments. But I’m talking about my experience. With one exception, every one of those kids is still alive and thriving. Who could possibly have believed it?
Those kids you talk about will survive. Believe me, they’ll get along just fine without your touch. And you’ll be safer.
Richard, I’m sure you’re right. We would all be safer if we touched less. But I’m not sure the world would be a better place. We do need to be careful and aware of the world in which we live, but I still want to work to have a society where healthy touch is not seen as abuse and abusive touch was seen for what it is.
It’s possible to connect meaningfully with other people without touching, but it’s sad to lose that, too. Being unable to connect with one another and nurture the young is its own danger. If we don’t connect with our kids, they aren’t having their needs met for safe human contact.
@RAubrey: “Believe me, they’ll get along just fine without your touch”
Perhaps.
But, following that line of reasoning, we’d better live enclosed in a box, only skype-ing and chatting with the outer world.
That would be way safer. It would be sadder, voider and deader, too.
Male here.
This is just sad as all hell. Yet, until we get all the shadows of sex abuse into the open and see it as the disorder it is, we will debate the most basic human needs – appropriate loving, touching, comforting.
Recently, I was in a DDS chair at a student dental University gripping the arms, pale, and wretched. A teaching DDS came by to OK the work and patted my arm. I immediately felt a wave of comfort and relief by his touch. It meant a great deal to me.
Unfortunately, and this is one major “tell” of a pedophile – they do things out in the open that “appear” normal, yet are sexually gratifying to them, and they justify their actions as “normal” and “Caring” ad nauseum.
Are we touching someone from a concern for the other person?
I hope I am not spamming here, as I already mentioned this to Jed, so if anyone wants some real specifics on this subject – read The Parent’s Guide to Protecting Children from Pedophiles. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004G09100
I hope this is appropriate, it seems much needed and I apologize if this is totally wrong.
Jed. You want to work in that world. Good for you. It’s not this one.
Valter. Missed again. I was talking about whether I, as a babysitter of sorts, touched somebody else’s kids. I never said kids shouldn’t be touched. As you know. What I don’t get is why people misrepresent what others say on a comment thread when what the people said is RIGHT THERE for everybody to see. I don’t get the math. And these other kids have survived and done pretty well. My lack of touch is probably not the reason one was killed in an auto accident.
Richard, well said.
I am adding and not arguing or disputing you.
Is it our mission to touch other people’s children? I think not. Will other people’s children live just fine without the touch of a stranger or work related person (teacher, minister, rabbi, etc)? Probably. Do other children want to be touched or is it our need to touch them? Likely both. Is there anything wrong with that. Probably not.
Are men at risk when they touch a child? Should a man be fearful when he is in a public restroom and a little boys is in there with him? When a little girl on a bus wants to sit on a stranger’s (man) lap because she stubbed her toe, and he automatically reached out to comfort her, is that man at risk?
The witch hunt is on.
@Richard, perhaps I misunderstood what you meant. I apologize for that.
(but, there’s also the possibility you didn’t make yourself clear, isn’t it?)
@Richard Aubrey: “And these other kids have survived and done pretty well.”
More or less, we all survive.
But there’s a huge gap between surviving an thriving, between being simply alive and being happy and fulfilled. IMHO, being touched with affection and empathy is part of what make us thrive and develop (and science confirms this).
Besides, while I’m aware of your concerns (and I share part of them), I don’t want to live conditioned by fear.
I appreciate all the comments and dialogue. This, for me, is the best of what The Good Men Project is about. I will continue to make efforts wherever I can, through my writing and my interaction with family, friends, and community to explore what it means to be a good man.
We don’t know how important touch is to humans. I read about a recent study, which is in its early days, about why when we are hurt we grip the injured site. There appears to be a psychological result of pain reduction, that it tricks our body into believing we are being “looked after” and that the reason for our hurt is lessened. We train our children not to hug, the insecurities of adults is what is denying children human contact. Then we wonder why they feel disconnected from society.
@Transhuman: “We don’t know how important touch is to humans”
Actually, we mostly know. There have been many studies – and books – about how important touch is for human (and animal as well) well-being.
Googling “importance of touch” gives almost 90 millions results. So the evidence is out here.
People denying that, are doing it just out of fear – or ignorance.
I think the responses make it clear that human touch is, well, a touchy subject. As a culture we are touch deprive, the majority of us don’t get enough healthy cuddling and touch. We know males are particularly deprived. We also have a significant degree of child abuse, which is often denied. As a result we grow up with the desire for touch and the fear of touch. Relearning to touch and be touched is a necessary part of our work in our lives.
When I was 9 or 10, I would not have liked being touched by a teacher or classroom volunteer. My family was not very physically affectionate and I was creeped out by adults who wanted to pat or hug me. Are there other 9 or 10 year olds who like being touched? Do you know which ones like being touched by adults and which don’t? No. So I would say, don’t touch other people’s kids.
Sarah, Thanks for your comments. I know what you mean about touch. If we didn’t grow up being touched, or were touched inappropriately, touch is something that can trigger old feelings. Its important that we be sensitive to the needs of children (and adults), but we also need to recognize how important touch is and learn not to be afraid of giving or receiving.