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I didn’t know I had this particular belief running around like a martyred monkey creating havoc in my mental programming until recently.
Now, here’s the thing about programming: I understand the power of our unconscious beliefs, since one of my jobs is helping others identify and get past them; and I also know the only way to find them is to see where we’re blocked from having the life we want.
Some common questions I ask my clients (and myself): what things do I want in my life that I haven’t been able to achieve? Where have I felt stopped or blocked? When I find my own blocks and misbeliefs I “out” them to really let them go. This article is my “outing.” The best way for me to work through something is to share it and discuss the lessons I’ve taken from my own missed steps so I can solidify what I learned.
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I had no idea a belief I’ll call “the nobility of sacrifice” living high and mighty in the background of my belief system until I asked myself some pretty tough questions. We had a sit-down while out walking, me, my Self, and I.
I’ve struggled financially in the business I own, and I’m tired of it. The drama of uncertainty from one month to the next is exhausting. I’ve told myself I’m over it and ready to move on, but I’ve said this many times before, and nothing has changed, so that’s my clue that there’s something interfering in my unconscious, and so began my internal detective’s mission to find out what’s going on.
Maybe you think it odd to talk to yourself, but it is hands-down one of the greatest techniques that can salvage your mental bacon through tough times.
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Maybe you think it odd to talk to yourself, but it is hands-down one of the greatest techniques that can salvage your mental bacon through tough times. Really smart people call it “meta-cognition” and it’s the concept that you can be having thoughts and thinking about your thoughts at the same time. I teach it to kids, they love it. There’s gold in your beliefs and your thoughts, enough to help steer you in the best direction toward peace. And having the life you want.
“Self,” I say because that’s what I say when I talk to myself, “what’s the deal with our finances? They’re a mess. It’s this weird up and down thing. We seem to do well, pay down the debts and put money in the bank then WHAM! Something happens. Business takes a turn for the worse. The economy dips. We run into a brick wall.”
“Well,” I saw cautiously because I don’t want to give in too quickly, “I can’t be blamed for the economy, now can I?”
“No,” Self agrees. Nodding its head and hopefully seeing my point. But Self isn’t going to be fooled by my excuses. I don’t get to play the victim, it’s not healthy. There’s a pattern here, and we are determined to get to the bottom. “But economy aside, this up and down thing is exhausting. Other people live quite stable in their jobs, careers, lives yet we seem to facing struggle more than we enjoy abundance.”
“And you can’t really blame me for that brick wall either!” I yell sort of triumphantly, proud of figuring out that there’s yet one more thing I certainly can’t be held responsible for that’s popped up in my life. (I did actually run into a brick wall from a hit and run car accident that left me with six concussions and a brain injury, but owning my business didn’t go away; just my ability to remember where I left it).
“Plus owning your own business can be a tricky thing,” I say righteously in my best entrepreneurial business voice. “Sometimes it’s working perfectly and full steam ahead. All systems go. Sometimes the business can’t pay its bills and we’re pulling whatever we had set aside in retirement to pay the AC bill or cover the rent.” I’m on a roll now. “Knowing all of this is part of being an entrepreneur is part of the drill, we signed up for it. We knew that there would be good times and we’d save money. We also knew there might be lean times and we’d be glad we’d saved that money. For a ‘rainy day’ and all.” I have an “I rest my case” sort of look in my mind’s eye.
“But that’s what’s concerning,” says Self. “It’s the pattern. It’s the ‘up and downness’ of it all. It’s the dramatics of living each month not knowing; and it’s the fear when we’ve put everything on credit cards, credit lines, loans, and we’ve gone through our retirement. We started a business decades ago to become successful, not to drive ourselves deeply into debt. No matter what the party line is on “you’ve got to spend money to make money,” losing money year after year is NOT a solid business decision!”
“Then why on earth would we do it? Who in their right mind would choose that?” Because we believe in the nobility of sacrifice.
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“Then why on earth would we do it?” I ask dumbfounded.”Who in their right mind would choose that?”
“Because we believe in the nobility of sacrifice. We believe it’s honorable to suffer for our art, for our cause, for our business and somehow by suffering in that way it makes us a better human being,” says Self knowingly. “Somehow we bought the lie that our character is made stronger by the fact that we quietly pay out everything we have to run a business (or something) we believe in.”
Zoinks.
And that’s how you find out if you have a cross purpose. Two things you want are internally diametrically opposed to each other so you have a stalemate in achieving something you desire.
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I want to be debt-free. I want to have a profitable business that gives back and serves others generously. I want to enjoy my abundance. I want to have savings and a retirement. I want to have the freedom to take trips and donate to the worthy causes I love. I want to give, without it hurting.
But I know I also admire the great strength of character required in a true sacrifice. It shows a depth of character, a selflessness, a nobility. When I think of the people I greatly respect who’ve overcome obstacles to achieve marvelous things, I think of how strong they must’ve been. When I picture what it must’ve taken to put the greater good before selfish needs and wants, I think of how noble it sounds.
Then I wonder … have I been creating my own obstacles, simply because I admire the strength in good, giving character?
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Then I wonder … have I been creating my own obstacles, simply because I admire the strength in good, giving character? Since I think suffering for one’s art, business, beliefs, or causes leads to some Promised Land of goodness: have I created the suffering scenarios in my life for no good reason? ARGH! Have I sunk my own interests just to create some kind of quiet nobility in my head?
Uh, no thank you. In unearthing this belief running around in the background, now I get to do something about it. I certainly don’t want to be a martyr. I’m absolutely willing to help others and donate time, effort, and money to the amazing causes I believe in. But I am no longer willing to create suffering in my own life just for the sake of this mistaken belief.
For me, “The Nobility of Sacrifice” just became “Abundance and a Caring Heart.” How about you?
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Shutterstock