Fear not, college grads. Here’s some career counselor–approved advice that will actually help you succeed as breadwinning adults.

Dear Graduates:

Congratulations on nearing the end of the school year—and to those of you graduating, congratulations on entering the workforce! I graduated in 1996, into the rising dotcom boom. I used to get paid $500 to write short book reviews for websites doomed to fail. You are entering a rather different world of work.

But take heart! I have a present for you. As an English teacher and director of the Yale Journalism Initiative, part of my job is to sit in office hours offering you Olympian wisdom about adulthood, careers, life, etc. But I have realized that a lot of the really important stuff never comes up. Here, then, is advice that will actually help you succeed as breadwinning adults. It is all highly subjective, and much of it is debatable, but here you are:

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1. Dress well for your job interviews. Overdress, in fact. “Cool” sneakers are not appropriate for first impressions, even in “cool” industries. Flip-flops are not acceptable. Piercings that look painful enough to make people wince may cost you jobs. Employers do not want their first impression of you to be what an individual you are. There will be time for you to express your unique creative genius after you have been at work for several months and proven yourself indispensable.

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2. Try to de-“like”-ify your speech. Yes, I realize that everyone says things like, “That reality show was, like, awesome.” Even beloved NPR hosts like Terry Gross speak with extraneous “like”s. This does not make them bad people, or even inarticulate—those “like”s have meaning and real semantic function, as any linguist can tell you. But among many employers, especially of an older generation, there is a bias in favor of people who speak in a timeless, rather than youthful, vernacular. Thus, if at all possible, do not say, “I was like, ‘This would be a great job for me.’” Instead, say something specific and purposive: “I read about this job and thought it would be a terrific opportunity for me to use both my Spanish skills and my journalism experience.”

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3. Subscribe to a daily newspaper, preferably the print edition, and read books, preferably the kind with pages. I am not a technophobe, and while I do not have an iPad I would not object if one of you bought me one. That said, there is still something elegant, and very adult, about sitting down in your favorite café with a cup of coffee and the morning newspaper; and sitting on the subway reading an actual book leaves open the possibility that somebody, perhaps somebody attractive, will start a conversation with you about that book. In other words, reading actual printed matter will not only give you good decoration for your Ikea- and thrift-store-furnished illegal sublet, but will also establish you as a person of substance, a grown-up, and will furthermore facilitate conversation.

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4. Speaking of conversation, it will behoove you to meet some people in your new city whom you did not go to school with. To that end, sit in public parks—I am thinking of places like Bryant Park in New York City, or Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia—and talk to people who happen by. Complimenting them on their dogs or babies or cool sneakers will be a good conversation starter. Also, join voluntary associations such as churches, synagogues, and mosques; garden clubs; chess clubs; bridge clubs; and adult sports leagues. Participate in drag shows, if that is your flavor, or pub trivia nights, if you like beer. If you know you need to drink less but have not been able to, join AA. However you do it, do something with people who did not live in your college entryway.

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5. Have humble expectations. Your first job will pay you too little, I promise. If you need more money, try to get a second job; if you cannot get a second job, live frugally. Do not go into deep credit card debt. Let me repeat: Do not go into deep credit card debt. That debt will follow you and nip at your heels for years. The interest on it will limit your career choices. The fact of it will make you seem an unsuitable mate. The habit of it will rot your virtue from within.

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6. Do not drunk-dial, drunk-Facebook, or drunk-tweet. Do not leave a public record of your idiocy.

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7. Learn how to use a pen and paper. People who interview you for a job will be far more impressed when they receive a thank-you note, written in an elegant hand on nice cotton-stock notepaper, than when they receive a perfunctory email. Same goes for thank-you notes after receiving a gift, and condolence cards, and party invitations. Email might suffice (or might not), but you are a better person for using a pen and paper.

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8. Learn how to use the telephone. A lot of business still happens that way. (A few years ago an employee for a weekly newspaper that caters to wealthy New Yorkers interviewed me in a mumble, and even though he has moved on to another newspaper, I still think less of his old place of employment.) If you do not know if an employer received your resume, by all means send an email, but also call him or her on the telephone to ask. Speaking which, proper telephone etiquette requires that you identify yourself before asking to speak to somebody: “Hello, this is Mark Oppenheimer calling. May I please speak to Mr. Trump?” Do not mutter. Do not act cool and desultory and world-weary. Be cheery.

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9. Whatever your biz is, know your biz. If you are going into the journalism biz, know the journalism biz. Blogs like mediabistro.com and poynter.org/medianews will keep you apprised of the business haps, but after skimming those every day you should move on to a diet of good reading: The New Yorker, The Atlantic, The Economist, a couple opinion journals (like The Nation, Slate, FrumForum.com, The American Conservative, etc.), newspapers, and maybe some more eccentric reads (I’m a fan of The Believer). Reading print editions when possible is not only fun, but also necessary: if you want to edit or write for a print magazine, you have to have a feel for layout, design, and the other aspects of print magazines. It is not sufficient, at least in 2011, to know only the Web product. That time may come, but we are not there yet.

But if your biz is money, know the money biz. If your biz is food … you get the idea.

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10. If you are immediately identifiable—by your attire, language, mode of transportation, or musical tastes—as a member of an identifiable subculture, be it Goth, hippie, Ivy League graduate, “foodie,” anarchist, or Ultimate Frisbee, then chances are you are not being true to your innermost eccentric self. It is possible to obey all the rules above while still being an original. Try to be an original, not a cliché.

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Best of luck to you, and stay in touch.

Yours truly,

Mark Oppenheimer