I once broke up with a man because he refused to tell me I am beautiful.
What a conceited bitch! Where’s your self-esteem? Why do you need a man’s validation?
The four simple words “I find you beautiful” hold so much power that he could not make himself say them, and I could not get past the fact that those words were being withheld.
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I don’t know if you are thinking those things about me, but I have thought them about myself.
I’ve been giving some thought as to whether or not it should matter to anyone if the person they are dating calls them the (complimentary) B-word.
He told me I was pretty. He said I was attractive. Hot. Sexy. But for some reason he could never cross over that line into the realm of “beautiful.”
I have no idea if he ever called another woman beautiful in the past, and I don’t believe it matters. The fact is, the four simple words “I find you beautiful” hold so much power that he could not make himself say them, and I could not get past the fact that those words were being withheld.
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When I am in love and want to express my complete adoration, there is nothing stronger I can find to say than “You are a beautiful man.“
When I hug my boys before they go sleep, I say to each, “Goodnight my beautiful boy.“
The distinction between calling a woman beautiful rather than pretty, hot, sexy, attractive, etc. — or calling a man beautiful rather than handsome, hot, sexy, attractive, etc. — is that beautiful is never merely a simple statement about physical appearance.
Beautiful is all encompassing. Beautiful is organic. Beautiful is whole. Beautiful is soothing, healing, uplifting, joyous, and so much more.
Beautiful is far more powerful than gorgeous, stunning, or lovely. Beautiful connotes the physical, spiritual, and emotional.
I found the following synonym discussion of beautiful on the Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s website:
“Beautiful applies to whatever excites the keenest of pleasure to the senses and stirs emotion through the senses — beautiful mountain scenery. Lovely is close to beautiful but applies to a narrower range of emotional excitation in suggesting the graceful, delicate, or exquisite — a lovely melody. Handsome suggests aesthetic pleasure due to proportion, symmetry, or elegance — a handsome Georgian mansion. Pretty often applies to superficial or insubstantial attractiveness — a painter of conventionally pretty scenes. Comely is like handsome in suggesting what is coolly approved rather than emotionally responded to — the comely grace of a dancer.”
Beautiful is what we all seek in our lives. Beautiful is peace, harmony, tranquility and love.
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Then I found myself sitting in my parked car — smiling, crying and laughing at a video created by high school student Shea Glover.
According to the description on Glover’s YouTube channel:
“I conducted an independent project, which evidently turned into a social experiment halfway through, regarding beauty at my performing arts high school in Chicago. I want to clarify that my intentions were not to get a reaction out of people. I was simply filming beauty and this is the result. Here it is.”
The distinction between calling a woman beautiful rather than pretty, hot, sexy, attractive, etc. — or calling a man beautiful rather than handsome, hot, sexy, attractive, etc. — is that beautiful is never merely a simple statement about physical appearance.
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As the video progresses, the variety of expressions across the faces of the classmates she recorded are a testament to just how much weight this seemingly superficial word carries. It is as though you can watch a bit of each one of their life stories flash in their eyes as the word sinks in.
Disbelief, gratitude, self-doubt, confidence, anger, and elation.
There is nothing superficial about telling another human being that you find them beautiful.
In my opinion, if you are romantically involved with a person who cannot, will not or does not tell you that you are beautiful, you may want to take an inventory of the other ways in which you are being treated as less than the beautiful creature you are — either by them, or by yourself.
But first, I dare you to watch this video and not find yourself smiling brighter than you have all day. I feel quite sure that as you do, you are beautiful.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Men do this all the time, women do this almost never. What you ask, tell their partner they are beautiful. The response I get is silence or “no I’m not”.
I have mixed feelings about this – keeping in mind that I do like your definition of “beautiful” and I know it’s all very well intentioned. However, as a couple of other people noted, in my experience most people who use the word to compliment a romantic partner (or a would-be romantic/sexual partner) are mainly referring to her appearance. An exception might be if they said “you are a beautiful person” or something to that effect. I certainly agree that it’s important to compliment your partner often! But maybe I’m one of the few women around who doesn’t really crave… Read more »
When she says “things that are beautiful” she is not referring to their outward appearance and I would hope the same if it is said to me.
This reminds me of the Dove commercial in which there was a sign that said beautiful people were supposed to use a different entrance. It seemed that the women did not think themselves beautiful and would not go through the beautiful door. One of the scenes showed a mom shoving her daughter through the beautiful door because her mom thought she was beautiful I think that women need to be told that they are beautiful because they don’t have the self-esteem to think that of themselves. I honestly don’t call my wife beautiful enough and I am going to tell… Read more »
Mdmedlin, Yes, it is very much like that Dove commercial! The doors were labelled “beautiful” and “average.” What destroyed me during that one was when a woman walked through the door for average with her young son. No matter what I think of myself on any given day, I could not have chosen anything other than beautiful if I was escorting one of my boys through those doors. The way we pass on our self-image intergenerationally is something we need to be aware. I am sure you made your wife’s day! Knowing you were going to go tell her she… Read more »
First, I see your point about paying compliments to people. Especially to those we may not neccessarily would want to go to bed with… But, I really don’t agree that there’s such a thing as a universal, all-encompassing, single-meaning compliment that everybody crave to hear. Then again, I can’t recall ever being called beautiful, or good-looking or even handsome, ever. So if someone were to call me beautiful at this stage in life, I’d wonder if they got hit in the head… I’d probably be like that “Shut up, I’ll cut you!” woman in the movie… No, not really. I’d… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal,
I suppose not much is truly and literally universal, but I do believe the word has tremendous power, and your own comments reflect that.
I have never seen you, but I can guarantee that you are beautiful and that others have and do think you to be so. I am sorry that you were denied hearing that for so long. To me, your willingness to be vulnerable and express what you just did is your beauty showing itself right here.
Thank you, Arianna, for this post. I was in a similar situation with someone I loved. It wasn’t that I couldn’t find myself attractive without him saying so – I could. In fact, I felt better about myself before our relationship started. But the fact that he could only very, very rarely say anything complimentary about me, and only in the vaguest of terms, hurt me deeply. He knew I’d been bullied and made fun of a lot as a kid, that I’d been cheated on by partners and had an emotionally abusive childhood. He couldn’t undo any of that,… Read more »
I was so moved by your comments, Stella. Thank you for opening up like that and sharing your own experiences.
“Beautiful is all encompassing. Beautiful is organic. Beautiful is whole. Beautiful is soothing, healing, uplifting, joyous, and so much more” I love this definition!!! Right after my divorce became final, I started dating a friend I had known for several years. She was a very physically beautiful woman. I would often tell her how beautiful she was until one day when I said it to her and she replied, “I want you to tell me how hot I am. You never say I am hot….I have been told since age 9 how beautiful I am. So, I know I am… Read more »
Thank you for sharing that, Jules.
You raise an important point that it can be just as hurtful to have your compliments to someone rejected as it is to have compliments to yourself withheld.
Always a two-way street in relationships and communication.
I don’t think wanting or needing to hear certain expressions from your partner should be equated with “needing to be validated”. The distinction is in the desire for a response from a specific individual, not a demographic. That said, “beautiful” doesn’t have just one meaning. MW also defines it as “physically / aesthetically attractive”. Neither definition is more valid. Words can hold a great deal of power, but they remain words. Can you really say that impact is universal? Someone who grew up speaking another language before learning English may not attribute the same gravity to a term like “beautiful”.… Read more »