What do men fear the most? Letting the veil slip and revealing who we really are, appearing unmanly.
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For me, masculinity always felt like a veil, a shroud that must be worn to reflect an appropriate image of maleness to the world. Appropriate to whom, I was never that clear. Disconnected from my natural inclinations for tenderness and abundant expression I was taught this strange dance from birth. I felt that this image of maleness was what was expected of me both within and outside of the home yet I could never quite master it. My father demanded that I learn to walk the walk and master the talk of masculinity, although the particulars were never clear to me. Apparently, in hindsight, they were never that clear to him either making his impossible task even more antagonistic. A large part of the problem was that no one could give me a straight answer, pardon the pun, about what exactly a boy or a man was supposed to be. The only thing I was clear on was what a young man was not supposed to be. Anything slightly feminine, emotional, tender or too expressive were suspect. That was me by definition.
Growing up my life resembled a house of mirrors. I was constantly confronted by images of who I was supposed to be, as a boy, as a potential man. Contrasted against the grave expectations of the many coercive and influential figures in my life that controlled those images: familial, cultural, educational and religious. I felt my core was being destroyed by impossible limitations and demands placed on my actions, feelings, and expressions. Would I ever live up to the expectations of so many formative educators? I had to become the perfect image of a man to make my many fathers proud, biological, cultural or heavenly. They all seemed to demand the same rigorous expectations of me. Impossible. Everywhere I turned I would witness an image of what the perfect man was and yet those images of strength, courage, leadership, and aggression in no way reflected who I was by nature, in my heart, thoughts and feelings. I was so alone.
Throughout much of my life, I struggled to maintain a shroud of secrecy, covering my own fear about never really fitting in as a boy or as a man. I lived with so much fear, a fear of inadequacy, a fear of vulnerability, a fear of fear itself. This fear of becoming vulnerable to a competitive and ruthless world provided crippling limitations for relating to myself, my loved ones and the external world. As I looked around at my family, school, and community and in most of the images and ideology reflected in popular media, I could see only similar demands for conformity to a specific gender ideology; how boys should be and how girls should be.
As I became an adult I began seeking to resolve my own heart, creating a sense of peace and self-acceptance through developing a clearer understanding of my own childhood and who I am at the core. I am now aware of how internalized fear can force individuals, families, and communities to begin to fear everything outside of themselves that does not conform to the ideology that has been imposed by families, culture and the self to keep us protected from internal disobedience and external threats. This same dynamic can be applied to strict codes of gender socialization as with so many other aspects of cultural education. This is where the disconnection from ourselves and others begins.
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The grand paradox of masculinity is that although it may appear to be about strength, courage, and fearlessness, in reality, it is based fundamentally on fear. Fear of the core self, fear of inadequacy, fear of questioning the roles, fear of anything or anyone different that may threaten our tenuous grasp on masculinity as a lived concept. What do men fear the most? Letting the veil slip and revealing who we really are, appearing unmanly. In reality, it takes far more courage to live honestly, to be vulnerable and express all that is in our hearts and at the core of our beings than to live in secrecy. It takes courage to question all that we have been taught about who we are supposed to be. I was taught to fear all that is hidden deep inside myself. I was taught to fear my deepest questions about life, love, sexuality, and expression. I was taught to fear the vulnerability and the value of fear itself. The fear around which I built my life was intimately connected to deception. Fear kept me from my own truths and the larger reality of life around me.
Masculinity can mean many things to many people, there is no one clear definition and perhaps there never was. And while I am encouraged to see progress on gender perceptions, creating a more open, honest and real dialogue for men and women both, there is still much work to be done. We can take strength in the knowledge that the boundaries are beginning to open up to include a much wider and more diverse perspective on what it really means to be a man or a woman or somewhere in between. However, we must also remember that even if things may seem alright within our comfortable little communities, does not mean that the work is done. Although most of my friends may think like me I am often faced with a harsh reality outside my comfort zone. Recently, at a friend’s first soccer meet for his beautiful sensitive little boy, I soon realized what an outsider he already was at 4 years old. The other boys were already well versed in the tough swagger of their fathers and ready to eat my little friend alive. We are all responsible to make the world a much safer place for boys and girls, women and men of diverse perspectives, backgrounds and personalities. The work begins now with each one of us to create a truly fearless masculinity, femininity and anything in between.
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Photo: Patrick Feller/Flickr
Hi James, I think that the root of fear is most of all being abandoned by society, to not belong in a (social) context. There are studies claiming that babies may suffer sever malfunctions and even die for lack of human contact, even if they are somewhat fed and clothed. As adults, we may not suffer as dire consequences, but fear is not always rational. Men and women have the same fears, but they cope differently and they different circumstances. Women more often have a social “cushion” in friends and family. As a man, your “value” is only in your… Read more »
Maybe, one day in a distant future, we could also have a discussion about the fear, what it is rooted in.
Hello FlyingKal. Thank you for your comment. Let’s start today! What are your thoughts on the roots of the fear that we have come to embody? I look forward to hearing from you and many others, men and women both, on your perspective on this question. Take care, James
i totally get this and i myself feel constrained by the impositions of these preconceived notions of maleness. not only that, but it is also a source of shame for me which i am still struggling to overcome. it’s good to know that i’m not alone and that not having a 100% “male” attitude doesn’t make me gay, which was what i was lead to believe back in my teen years.
cheers
Thank you Hugo for sharing your thoughts! These days in my life, I feel that our biggest challenge throughout our lives, our most important work is to get back to ourselves, to accept, embrace and recognize whoever we are at the core beyond all the dos and don’ts, beyond the impossible imposed expectations of others, society, culture and ourselves. And the paradox is that that ends up becoming the place where we can truly, deeply connect with and love another without reservation or fear of somehow being exposed. This is a place of immense peace, joy and deep sharing with… Read more »