Research shows how pornography affects marriage. Read how.
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Most everyone who lives in an industrialized nation has felt the impact of the Internet. There is seldom a day where I am not online at some point, in fact it’s rare that I go several waking hours without hopping online for some reason. Even my 4 year old enjoys some of the games and activities the Internet provides.
The Internet is transforming the experience of growing up in America. It is also transforming the job of being a parent in America. The Internet brings the world – the good, the bad, and the ugly – to the American family’s doorstep. It brings the ruins of ancient Athens to that doorstep, but it also brings the red light district of Bangkok. ~ The Third Way Culture Project
The Internet is the means through which we know each other. It’s also how I connect with my family and past college and childhood friends. But as many of you know, the Internet also brings with it access to other things in our world, namely pornography and sexually explicit material.
If there is one issue I receive regular emails about it’s pornography and its impact on a marriage. Specifically, I’ve received lots of emails asking what to do when one spouse discovers the others use of pornography.
So what’s the impact pornography has upon marriage and family life?
Thus far, the research on Internet pornography (which is a distinct genre due to it’s accessibility, affordability, and anonymity – called the “Triple A Engine”) is not yet reflected in the literature as there are no studies that look specifically at marital and family process and Internet pornography. Any conclusion from research can only be inferred – although the inference is not too much of a leap in my opinion. There are however, many studies involving general pornography and the impact on marriage and family life.
To put this discussion into perspective, let’s review the characteristics of strong, stable, and satisfying marriages. While it is understood that there is not one way to have a stable and satisfying marriage, there are some common factors worth highlighting. Research states these characteristics as: investment in the well-being of the beloved; respect; admiration; sexual desire; intimacy; commitment; exclusivity; and understanding.
Pornography began being researched in 1984 and 1988 by Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, and their research continues to be referenced. They discovered that the effects of repeated exposure to standard, non-violent, commonly available pornography includes: increased callousness toward women; distorted perceptions about sexuality; devaluation of the importance of monogamy; decreased satisfaction with partner’s sexual performance, affection, and appearance; doubts about the value of marriage; and decreased desire to have children. Later research studies further confirm their findings.
It’s important to note that some couples and even clinicians claim pornography consumed in a mutual, consensual, and open manner, can be an enriching aspect of marital intimacy. Although the material consumed is more likely to involve erotic content as opposed to hard-core pornography. Moreover, pornography consumed in a mutual way is inherently different than solitary pornography viewing because it is used as a bridge to become more closer and present with one’s partner, as opposed to a wall that cuts one’s partner off, draws sexual energy away from the marriage, and heightens distance between partners.
Zillman and Bryant’s 1988 study explored the relationship between pornography and personal happiness. The study involved the participants (both male and female) being exposed to either pornographic or innocuous, non-pornographic content in hourly sessions over six consecutive weeks. During the seventh week, participants were asked to rate their personal happiness regarding various domains of their life and relationships.
Results of the study showed that exposure to pornography negatively impacted self-assessment of sexual experience while some other aspects of life remained constant – namely professional satisfaction. Participants reported less satisfaction with their intimate partner, specifically with their partner’s affection, physical appearance, sexual curiosity, and sexual performance.
Additionally, participants exposed to the pornographic material assigned an increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Furthermore, and the most telling aspect of the research, all these effects were uniform across male and female participants. Meaning this is not only a male issue.
Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person. One woman from a study stated:
I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body. ~ Bergner & Bridges
The use of pornography directly correlates to a decrease in sexual intimacy. Research also finds that its usage is viewed as a form of infidelity that reduces the exclusivity of the relationship. Online sexual activity is perceived by both men and women as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts, namely emotional infidelity.
So what does all this mean?
Pornography has a negative impact on you as a person – and on your relationships. It hurts the ones you love and it likely creates a wall between you, driving you apart rather than closer together.
*Manning, J. C. (2006) The impact of Internet pornography on marriage and the family: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. 13, 131-165
Photo Credit: schillergarcia
originally posted on SimpleMarriage.net
Everybody should watch this documentary from BBC. The first minutes are a bit boring but what comes next is disturbing. We meet a 19 year old young man.
And researchers concludes :
” we now have a new generation growing up that is traumatized sexually “.
http://dodsonandross.com/blogs/carlin-ross/2013/10/how-porn-affects-teen-age-mind
I have absolutely no doubt in mind that pornography has negatively affected society. I do think it’s made men more callous and less able to relate to real women with all their flaws and imperfections.I think it’s created unfair demands that get glossed over under over posutlating the positive of “fantasy”. Naturally, fantasy is not bad onto itself. But when you have something that’s available at your finger timps 24/7 and you can see the most disgusting and debasing stuff without even looking for it, something is wrong. When you have so many men that defend pornography and don’t care… Read more »
Hi Erin
Thank you.
I just listened to a radio program about the porn industry. We heard women used painkiller medications before sex because it was so painful, and anus( rectum) and vaginas often had to be stitched up after the brutal sex scenes. Like you, there is no doubt in my mind that this is harmful for society and for everyone of us , whether we choose to use it or.
So true Iben. And I don’t think the general public even knows how often that’s the truth behind the scenes. I remember reading and article a bit ago about a doctor that specifically catered to pornstars and the horrible things he saw done to their bodies. Literally bodies that have been ripped up and abused. And this is what men consider sexy today. This doesn’t even touch on all the videos and pictures uploaded out there where the woman might not even know she is on the internet! And since ther eis no way of policing that, people jsut bury… Read more »
Hi Erin
Well said. I have never though about it that way. The men that use porn let it dominate their sexuality and how they develop over time as men.
The sexologist dr. Brandy Engler wrote in her book about how women describe some men they date as ” porn men”. And it was not a compliment. But men seems to be blind to how use of pornography influence them.
Hi Erin,
I look at porn “once in a while”. (However well I live up to the standard of your definition of it)
But I must be much older than you are, because I can’t remember being on a date with someone who wanted to please me.
I really have no subjective idea of what “once in awhile” means anymore to men Flying Kal since I’ve seen it been used from everything from once a month, once a year, to a couple times a week. Most men like to believe they only look at porn “once in awhile”. It’s a very loose subjective term that I feel makes men feel better about their porn use but does not always bare truth. Because frankly, despite the growing addiction men have toward porn, most men don’t like to believe or admit even to themselves that their sexuality is controlled… Read more »
Hi Erin and thank you for your reply. The reason I asked for your definition of “once in awhile” was that most descriptions I’ve seen on here from women who’ve seen or felt their relationship crash down around them because of their husbands’ compulsory or addictive behaviour, talked about hours on end most every single day, and letting it take priority over any other kind over social interaction. What I do is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, especially since I’m not in a relationship and hasn’t been for quite some time. But on average I guess once a… Read more »
FlyingKal, I think it’s a misnomer that porn use has to be destructive only in the case of a compulsory or addictive situations where it’s talked about hours on end most every singe day. Especially because there are a lot of men hiding their porn habits from their partners and lying about what they are looking at everyday. I also don’t believe that something is only a addiction when it takes priority over other kinds of social interaction. I see people everyday addicted to things that they balanced between their real life. Those are the kind of addicts that may… Read more »
Hi Erin,
I did my best to give you an honest answer, because I thought you were interested in sharing an opposite view. It seems I could have spared my time about that.
On a contrary note, how is it supposed to make men feel, when a perfectly decent normal-looking one can’t even get a second glance from a woman, much less a word sideways, even when approaching the ones who are not flocked by other men but seem to be “lounging” mostly by themselves?
And BTW, you are wrong about what I prefer to look at. But whatever, right?
Oh I am very interested in honest answers. But I am also interested in men getting more “real” about their relationship with pornography, women and sex. Which acutally proves to be a difficult thing for men to do.
By the way, my response was just as much an honest answer as yours.
Whatever indeed. Men love porn and indulging in a never ending real of images of other women. Women are after all products to be consumed, used and thrown away after boredom sets in.
“I remember a time when the boys I dated wanted to please me and be a partner with me. Now, it’s more about what I can do to perform sexually for him like a blow up doll”
As only you have a choice in the type men you date, somehow this says more about you and your choices than about men in general. Men who feel “their dating down” tend to care much less about her pleasure. Men that are looking for a longer term relationship with you will tend to be quite eager to please.
Trey1963 “”””””””“I remember a time when the boys I dated wanted to please me and be a partner with me. Now, it’s more about what I can do to perform sexually for him like a blow up doll” As only you have a choice in the type men you date, somehow this says more about you and your choices than about men in general. Men who feel “their dating down” tend to care much less about her pleasure. Men that are looking for a longer term relationship with you will tend to be quite eager to please.”””””””” I wonder what… Read more »
Trey, I typed a response to you before that somehow didn’t get posted. I don’t casually date or have casual sex. The men I have been with have been long term committed partners. So my experience isn’t one where I am letting men who don’t care about me have sex with me. There are many good men out there..loving father’s and boyfriends, brother and uncles who have let pornography shape their sexuality and how they act in the bedroom. It’s time we are honest about this . By the way, I wonder what it says about men who have sex… Read more »
Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person. One woman from a study stated: I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body. ~ Bergner & Bridges Note how this says nothing about how the male partner actually views her. It’s all her subjective impressions. Which of course probably have a negative impact on the… Read more »
Tamen, isn’t your opinion every bit as subjective as the opinion of the woman you shared? Isn’t a man’s opinion of porn also subjective? Whoever that man may be? Why are you so quick to dismiss this woman’s opinion and her experience and assume that it’s only because of her that there is a negative impact on the relationship? And you are right that we do not always know what exactly is the cause behind the porn use. But I do know this. Most men begin a relationship porn at very early and developmental ages even before they understand or… Read more »
For some real info on this topic including links to research and anecdotal insights checkout http://yourbrainonporn.com. As technology continues to devise new ways to hook into the pleasure centers of the brain and give us shots of dopamine, we will continue to become addicted in new ways. Foods with refined sugar, salt, and wheat, voilent multi-player games, and porn are just the beginning. The march toward virtualization of life will be led by activities that make us feel good. The Oculus Rift 3D interface is a case in point. Our sons and daughters will be able to plug into a… Read more »
Indeed Ric – and a full rebuttal on a premier blog run by actual scientists who understand the field and take on the hype promulgated by “Your Brain On Porn” aficionados. The comment section is where the fun is: note the data spam approach versus the well-reasoned responses by those actually working in the field of neuroscience, including the very well-known NeuroSkeptic
http://mindhacks.com/2011/07/04/naomi-wolf-porn-and-the-misuse-of-dopamine/
Hi Corey To take a critical look at pornography and how it affects us all is not to be sex negative. Some say we live in a a time where both men and women need to be better and more clever in their interpersonal skill to find a partner since the old gender roles are out of fashion. Now you must be better than ever before to connect and communicate to find a partner. Interpersonal skills also becomes more and more important as a qualification to succeed on the job market. And since those who use porn probably used it… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! You write, “Are there a trend towards more causal sex, do more middle age married couples choose to live like swingers, and fewer couples get married?” Yes, here in America there is a greater trend towards all the things you speak. God is dead Iben! If he is not dead, he is on life support. No rules, no laws, no universally accepted codes of moral conduct and behavior. I agree about the leading cause of Incel. When sex becomes dominated by casual NSA sex, hookups,etc….it becomes cold and de-humanized, in my view. Also what occurs is women… Read more »
Hi Jules
You are right . Good looks becomes more important . With the new app to tell you if anyone near you wants causal sex and you pick out a partner only from a photo,them traditionally sexually attractive person will win.
And by the way.
Our friend R…. Writes about us on her sex blog.
We are called loud mouths.
@Iben,
You write,
“Our friend R…. Writes about us on her sex blog.
We are called loud mouths.”
Yes, she called some of us ( I am sure I am one of the people) a ‘few stray lunatics.’
Lol!!
Hi Jules
Go back and have a new look at professor Robins sex blog.
Our professor Robin mentions your name and talk about all of us
@Iben,
Hi Iben!
Thanks for the info on R. But, I will pass. Not worth my time.
Cheers!
Jules, thank you for acknowledging all that. Truly. It’s a nice change of pace to hear a man admit that pornogrpahy has largely been negative for women more so even for men.
I for one have to agree with research, while I know most men will defend their porn habits till the bitter end and justify it in their heads, I have to admit something that I have never said in public: my marriage ended because of my husband’s porn addiction. It all started as an exploration I’m sure, but a common factor seems to be that users lose interest in regular porn and tend to go for harder images as times goes by. After stumbling upon his interest history and his inclination for rape scenes and voyeurism I just could not… Read more »
I am definitely getting a prenup in the unlikely event that I decide to get married.
Personally, I believe you shouldn’t marry anyone you can’t share your porn with. My husband and I share a transformation fetish (among others), trading pornography back and forth is one of the most warm, loving, and fun aspects of our marriage. We enjoy showing each other images and videos pertaining to plastic surgery, and models who’ve had lots of plastic surgery or other body modification. I also very much enjoy writing erotic stories for my husband’s enjoyment as well as my own. If you like hardcore porn and your spouse doesn’t, I just feel like there’s an incompatibility there. The… Read more »
I think that’s good advice. I enjoy relationships where you can freely share those sexual interests much more than the ones where the couple’s tastes don’t align. Changing tastes over time can be quite disappointing, though. Sounds like two are fortunate to have found one another.
Sex-negative, and conservative disinformation, which I am surprised to find on this site.
Or as Karl Pilkington would say:
http://replygif.net/i/242.gif
I don’t believe this article to be eithe sex-negative or conservative. If one really examines pornography, despite what appears to be crazy sex, it’s often pretty reptitive and formumatic catering to pretty old stereotypes of sexuality, masculinity and femininity. Could you explain how considering the impact pornography, not sex, has on relationships is equal to being sex-negative thought. At best, all you can really say is that it’s porn-negative. And believing porn is negative is not the same thing is believing sex to believe negative. Also, believing porn is negative isn’t even the worse thing in the world either. Got… Read more »
Because saying this article, and the factual information within is sex-negative is a red herring.
The excessive consumption of pornography has almost destroyed my marriage. I’ve written in great length about this on another website.
I’m not sex-negative, nor a prude, nor religious, nor conservative, but when my husband was watching pornography for several hours a day and it was causing ED and me begging him for intimacy, yeah, that’s a real problem.
I disagree that pornography (or other fantasy-related material) has to be negative. At 47 and married for almost 18 years, it has been my experience that sexual desire naturally wanes. If there is an incongruous desire between partners, something that awakens the libido can be preferable to leaving your partner longing. This is a generalization, for sure. But one made after talking with peers in both professional and casual settings. I liken it to alcohol: If you use it responsibly, it may actually enhance your experience. It you over-indulge and suffer consequences in your relationships, it is a sign you… Read more »
@phillyospher,
“….that sexual desire naturally wanes.”
Not for me! I am 52, almost, and I can have sex every day if I had a partner that wanted it every day. I just love women (just one good one), sex, and being with a woman.
@Julia Byrd, I certainly don’t claim to speak for all men. Just sharing my experience. I’m capable of regular sex (i.e., no ED or medical limitations). It is more a matter of evolving interest. I don’t equate sex with manhood and the act is still pleasurable. It originates from a place of love and compassion vs. passion and attraction. My partner deserves to be pleasured and it is part of the social contract. Not terribly romantic, but then again the relationship experts say relationships require work. Work is usually not romantic… Lastly, I have no doubt that you are an… Read more »
*Ahem*
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Correlation_does_not_imply_causation
Back tomorrow.
Of course – which is why most all reputable research clearly states the correlation between variables, not causation. Using the word causation involves opinions, often added to by whoever is using the research to further their own agenda (which every one of us has, by the way – including myself).
Excuse me, but doesn’t causation equal “cause and effect”?
Then, doesn’t stating ” how pornography affects marriage” imply not only correlation but also causation?
Hi Flying Kai. I agree with Corey’s assessment. Given his (what I believe to be) correct critiques the study should say “how pornography may affect marriage”. Unless you’re going to do a comprehensive long-term study that examines healthy marriages that decline, and rule out other variables (like other sexual avenues like cheating) and rules out many things, all this study proves is a correlation. Example: Parents (and doctors) used to tell children: “don’t sit close to the tv–it’ll ruin your eyes!” Proof? Statistically kids who sat closer had worse vision. Why doesn’t this prove causation? Because it doesn’t prove the… Read more »
Hi John D. ✺”In a similar vein (unless you’re going to do a huge controlled study) the porn may not have caused low sexual satisfaction in partners. That feeling may have preceeded the porn use & PUSHED the people into alternate sexual outlets.”✺ Here you say health normal adults do not know themselves if their sex life was good in the beginning of marriage or not. They had no idea! Or their own opinion about have no value? Maybe there are longitudinally studies of how use porn effects couples. And if scientists can not reseach anything without using experiments in… Read more »
@John Gottman D:
I agree with Corey’s assessment. Given his (what I believe to be) correct critiques the study should say “how pornography may affect marriage”.
Yes, I also agree. There is actually little doubt in my mind that there is some form of correlation between intimacy/satisfaction in a marriage/LTR and the use of pornography.
I’m just questioning the statements about the certain cause and effect chain.
That is also what Corey says in his comment, but I think the article seems to want to be pretty unambiguous on that point.
Hi Corey I look forward to reading the comment to your article. And I wonder how many are willing to question their attitudes to porn. I am pessimistic . ✺”Results of the study showed that exposure to pornography negatively impacted self-assessment of sexual experience while some other aspects of life remained constant – namely professional satisfaction. Participants reported less satisfaction with their intimate partner, specifically with their partner’s affection, physical appearance, sexual curiosity, and sexual performance. Additionally, participants exposed to the pornographic material assigned an increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Furthermore, and the most telling aspect of… Read more »
Kind of like what overuse of romance novels does to a relationship? Excessive amounts of options real or imagined can lower a person’s likelihood to invest effort in a relationship.
Hi trey1963
I am sorry to hear you have been badly influenced by your reading of romantic novels.
The only romantic novels I used to read were Jane Austin’s and Madam Bovary, and they were brilliant read.
And of course Madam Bovary is not an romantic novel, but the story of a romantic woman and her terrible end.
Men and women tend to use different methods of opting out of intimacy with their partner…..as much as porn is an escape for some people, the Romance industry is for others……one is more socially acceptable than the other but in my opinion no less damaging to social/cultural and individual perceptions.
Hi Trey1963
I wonder if what you call romantic novels and women’s use of romantic novels is an American phenomena. Scandinavian women ( and men) like crime novel, and they are not romantic , but violent and gruesome ..
But I do understand what you say,if you mean many women expects the near impossible of men in long term relationships. When the first stage of falling in love is over, the next stage is quite a challenge.
The largest genre of american published novels is the romance genre. A fair percentage of it is exceedingly graphic. It bookends porn as a genre…….same basic themes expressed in different media and tuned to variant tastes.
I think romance novels deserve to be a conversation on their own. I don’t think it’s fair to side track the conversation for romance novels when there is plenty to talk about regarding pornography alone. Especially in a day and age where there are more women and men both looking at pornography.
If you are interested in discussing the affects of romance novels on women and men, please write and article. This article was clearly about pornography. What are your thoughts on pornography and this article entirely independent of romance novels? Thanks.
I consider a large segment of romance novels to be relationship porn, there are also those that are outright just a written form of porn tuned to a female audience. Still just porn,at most done in a different medium vs visual porn in video or still photo or paint or charcoal or sculpture.
As I said earlier, romance novels deserve to be a conversation on their own. THere are clear differences between the two mediums. That isn’t to say that there aren’t factors within romance novels that should be discussed.
I have yet to see you address male porn use and how that affects men or the messages male porn use leaves and gives.
If you want to talk about romance novels specifically, write an article. But I think you can do better to talk about more here then your own agenda.