J.R. Reed has withdrawn from his friends, his hobbies, and the world at large because of an anxiety disorder. But now, he insists, it’s time to get better.
I was full of overwhelming anxiety as I walked into a bar on Monday night. I was wearing the black L.A. Kings Marty McSorley jersey I bought back in 1990, and was there to meet my friend, whom I call “The Kings Fan” on my blog. We were going to watch game three of the Stanley Cup Finals featuring the Kings and New Jersey Devils.
The anxiety I felt was stupid, considering this cash-only joint with thirty beers on tap is my favorite place to eat a burger, drink a schooner and watch a game.
Was the anxiety because I’ve been watching the Kings since the original purple and gold days and this was to be one of the biggest games in franchise history? I wish that was the reason. But it wasn’t.
For the past few years I’ve had some recurring neurological stuff going on and the last year or so I’ve pulled away from pretty much everyone in an ignorant attempt to hide the fact that it’s getting worse.
To be clear, It hampers my ability to do some things but it’s not life threatening. On the list called “Problems You Could Have In Life”, it’s pretty low.
I’ve pulled away so much that I actually spend the majority of my day alone. It’s not from depression, it’s that I don’t want people to see me or have to interact with me when I’m not at my best.
The past few months have been extra tough and I’ve gotten to the point where I get freaked out being around people at all. My self-esteem is pretty much at an all time low (though I’m trying to fix that) and I keep imagining stupid scenarios that will never happen.
For example, if I decide to go to the grocery store I usually begin thinking about doing something stupid, like bumping into someone with my cart. For some reason I always imagine the other person getting all kinds of pissed and then I feel like an idiot.
At this point I’m generally still standing by the refrigerator and looking to see if I really have to go to the store or if I can put it off for another day. If I can put it off I generally will.
I saw my neurologist last week and he started asking a lot of detailed questions about what happens with me on a daily basis. After a few minutes he told me that I was definitely suffering from severe social anxiety and pseudo dementia.
I started to laugh it off but quickly realized he was right. It’s no secret that I’ve been forgetting a lot of things and what the doctor said made a lot of sense. I find reasons, even made up ones like the cart at the grocery store, to lay low and avoid people unless necessary.
I’ve been an automotive sales manager, finance manager and set up several successful Internet sales departments, which means I’m supposed to be able to handle anxiety and pressure. But I don’t handle it. At least not well.
I fight with myself everyday over the dumbest little things. I second- and third-guess myself more than former Buffalo Bills coach Marv Levy the day after a Super Bowl.
The neurological stuff has kept me from working which means money is tight. Money being tight adds anxiety as does my health and both fuel my lack of self-esteem. My lack of self-esteem feeds my desire to pull back and be a hermit.
My going into hiding in turn adds anxiety because I feel like I don’t have a connection with what’s going on. It’s basically a never-ending cycle of unnecessary bullshit that needs to end. Now.
Why is it that I’ve stood face to face with the legendary Wayne Gretzky and pulled off an interview without sounding like a moron but walking into a dive bar freaks me out? I have no clue and can only say it makes me feel like an idiot to admit it.
I want to believe in myself but I’m afraid to. I want to be successful but I’m afraid of success. I want to have fun and be happy but the reality is that I don’t remember what it’s like to get out and have a great time and that scares me too.
I did have a good time Monday night and it wasn’t just because the Kings won 4-0 and took a 3-0 lead in the series. I wasn’t the most social person in the bar but I high fived a few people and quaffed a couple schooners of Modelo, with lime and salt of course.
I’ve pulled way back from my blogging and from social media in addition to pulling away from my real life friends. Putting yourself out there when you don’t believe in yourself is scary and I’m optimistic that I will get through this one of these days.
They say it takes a village to raise an idiot but I want to know what happens when that idiot pulls away from the village and tries to raise himself. I’m not saying that I’m the idiot. I’m asking for a friend.
Photo of man opening a door to a dark room courtesy of Shutterstock
Excellent blog.
Thank you for sharing with the world. I think this helps everyone in some way. I, too, have been there before (and could very likely be there again at some point in my life). This is the best piece of “how-to” crippling panic and anxiety I’ve found: http://nothingworks.weebly.com/. Everything can, and will be, better.
i’ve dealt/deal with the same thing you have. learning how to meditate and doing it for 30 minutes everyday has helped me more than anything. If not meditation then try yoga or something
Wow. Thanks for sharing, J.R. I get it. In the past 8 years, I’ve had two crippling bouts of anxiety (mine are linked to extreme insomnia too). It is tough. Plus, it’s hard. You have to cut yourself off to some extend in order to find the energy reserves for getting better. So I too withdrew. What got me better was assembling a team of people to help me: my husband, a cousin in another province, a friend, my doctor, a therapist, and my mom. I didn’t have the energy for many other people. You write eloquently about it. And… Read more »
Hey J.R.,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you may end up a bit surprised to see how many people are in the same/similar situation as you. It takes a lot of strength to ask for help and I am so proud of you taking that huge step.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Elle
Thanks Elle. you have no idea how much I appreciate this.
Hi J.R.
Thank you for sharing your story, it all resonates so closely for me right now and it helps to know Im not alone in this. I recently joined a mens group for support, it’s helping to talk and be listened to.
It also helps when others confide and trust in me. Its an honour actually.
I know my anxiety is becoming stronger, but only last week I realised how scared and alone I am feeling,
I suddenly realised, like you, how much I need a friend. Aroha nui . Go well my friend.
Steve,
Back atcha, bro. Feel free to hit me up anytime.
*Hugs* I’m very glad you took this step to share how it’s been for you. I’ve watched it happen throughout the year and it’s hard from my end to see this vibrant and amazing man who stole my heart back away from things I know he loves. But, like I’ve said before, I always support you and always will. Here every step of the way. I know how hard it was for you to even decide to do this and it really is a big step in the right direction. Things are going to get better. Just give yourself time… Read more »
I worked a few months only in a decade since school, scared of responsibility, scared of people. Social anxiety is a crippling illness and one that isn’t very visible. I too would put off going to town, afraid to be seen in public, avoiding it as much as I could to the point I didn’t work. I’ve been doing C.B.T Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and A.C.T Awareness and commitment therapy which has helped quite a bit, also doing confidence boosting things like a recent photography course which really helped me along. Slow exposure, going out more n more tends to help… Read more »
Thanks Archy. Here’s a dude hug for you.
And a big dude hug back to you. Feel free to ask questions about CBT and ACT if you need, I found they helped me quite a bit.
Thanks for sharing. This topic is close to my heart. You are not alone. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a teenager and it gradually evolved into horrific panic attacks. It gets so bad for me that I cannot leave my house without another adult who if need be could take control of any situation that may arise. I am on Meds and go to therapy, But it hasn’t “cured” me yet. I guess All of my rambling is to let you know there are others out there who suffer from it and hope to overcome it. There… Read more »
I’m working in getting the meds correct and am waiting for my insurance to approve therapy. Fingers crossed…
Dear J.R., Wow, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through…..I also suffer from panic/anxiety issues but I have to deal with the public in my profession (sometimes I look at the floor instead of directly or steadily into the person’s eyes or I type or do other things with my hands as I’m talking)….sometimes I do just have to sweat it out ( I wipe myself off with a tissue and proceed to the next person!)….It’s handy to have little props or samples you can give the person so that he/she is focused on something else… Read more »
Thanks so much. I have a ex who is on federal probation for some of the stuff she did to stalk me. I appreciate your support and I’m already feeling a bit better.
Hey JR — tough, thoughtful post. Wish I had something more to offer than my best wishes, but that’s what I have: a sincere hope that meds and therapy can help to allay some of the more crippling aspects of your anxiety… and give you the wherewithall to keep taking positive steps, and to take them more frequently.
Twobusy,
Coming from you that means a lot. Thanks for your support. Good things are coming.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so important for those of us who experience any level of anxiety at all to hear how it happens to other people. It’s intense, it’s strong, and it sucks. But, as Erin mentions, you’re not alone. So I applaud you for opening up here and spelling it out. Or spilling it out. Or both. And I send you virtual hugs in support. I’m glad you were able to hang out with your friend. I hope you find yourself moving forward and having many more positive experiences of that nature super soon!
Thank you so much for the hugs and support. I’m trying hard and I will be sure to keep you updated on my progress
You are not alone. And it doesn’t have to be this way. Have you considered medication and therapy? I take meds for my anxiety, and I also see a therapist in fits & spurts, depending on how bad things get….
Hang in there. ANd thanks for sharing this…it will help other people!
Thanks Erin. It was tough to write about but I’m feeling more confortable talking about it. I appreciate your support.