How much are you limiting your relationships by framing intimacy in terms of sex? Dan Griffin talks about his own experiences.
This article was originally posted at DanGriffin.com.
First, this is not an article about the newest sex toy you can purchase on Adam and Eve dot com. It is about a core concept from our groundbreaking curriculum, Helping Men Recover, describing the vehicle through which so many men experience all forms of intimacy. When feelings of closeness, affection, attraction, love, and connection pass through the “sex funnel” they become interpreted through the lens of sex. We are mostly unconscious of it but it affects so much of how we behave in relationships. While women are also impacted by this idea, they are not raised to view sex as something that will literally save them and solve all of their problems. I don’t know how much of it is nature and how much is nurture, but I do know that when I was getting married and the husband and wife couple leading our marriage class told us, “Women have sex when they feel loved and men feel loved when they have sex”, I had not heard any other maxim that felt truer for me. That remains true for me. And, as I have spoken to other men, that idea has resonated greatly with them as well, and it seems to have little to do with whether a man is an addict or not.
Think about it.
If you are a heterosexual man, how many times have you felt close to another man and held back from expressing those feelings? Said differently, how many men feel attraction to or affection for a man and recoil or instinctively distance themselves, if only momentarily, from the man because they are not able to separate the feeling of affection or closeness from sex? For some men it is not momentary, but rather a constant saboteur of their relationships with other men keeping them at arm’s distance, at best. This is not a cognitive experience – it is deeply rooted inside of us and operates on a visceral level. But it is there for many of us keeping us from experiencing the depth and power of connections with other men. Of course, this concept overlaps with homophobia – a huge issue in the recovery community – but that is another post unto itself.
The sex funnel also interferes with our relationships with women. One way this happens is that many men have difficulty simply being connected to women without letting sex get in the way. Sometimes it is just the thought of sex. Or the inability not to have sexual feelings come up and interfere with our interactions. Of course sexual feelings and thoughts are going to come up at times and there is nothing wrong with that but when we attach to them and let them slip into the funnel we head down a path that complicates our feelings. This may sound a bit overthought, but when we create a space for men to talk about this it is amazing how many see how often it operates in their lives.
What’s my point?
My personal experience has been that awareness of the sex funnel and being able to notice when basic feelings of connection and intimacy are about to slide into the narrow and limited confines of the funnel I try my best to notice them and simply be with the feeling without judgment. This practice works with my wife as much as it does with women I meet in the trainings I do or at the conferences I attend. Whether it is thinking that sex is the connection I need from my wife when it is not to thinking that a woman who is attractive is worth more of my time than a woman I don’t find attractive, I am constantly navigating the impact of the sex funnel. I have discovered after many years of trying that sex alone cannot create the connections I desire. I also know that when I don’t allow myself the full spectrum of feelings of intimacy I limit my relationships with men and women and when I do that I limit my experience of life. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of that.
Photo—theogeo/Flickr
About Dan Griffin
This is one of the best articles about men’s sexuality in the West that I’ve ever read. Thank you. I’m going to be processing this for myself over the coming weeks. You’ve explained the ways that sex affects relationships, both platonic and romantic, in a way that is evident but unspoken / unacknowledged in our culture. The question I got from your post was, “How are men in America able to show affection for one another without crossing over into sexual territory.” I think that’s the answer for why we see men in other countries able to embrace and kiss one another, but we’re unable to.
From that question, I then arrive at, “When is a kiss sexual, and when is it affection?” And then we can ask if men and women can be physically affectionate without implying sex. How did we get to the point that affection had to be sexual for men, and what do we need to to in order to backtrack?
Thanks for the post, Dan.
I think you touched on an enlightening factor there, Austin.” I think that’s the answer for why we see men in other countries able to embrace and kiss one another, but we’re unable to.”
Many other cultures seem to be comfortable that way and intimate in ways NA isn’t. You also more often see nudity in many countries, women bare breasted and men also wearing little, But it’s natural. An acceptance of the natural human body and not about sex.
North America among others is over-sexualized. And attaches a heavy stigma to sex.
This article is a welcome eye-opener of the ways men and women need to communicate to prevent feeling alienated. thanks.
Thanks Austin and Mike! in my graduate school one of the professors had this sign on his door: “sex is a very dirty thing, you should only do it with someone you love.” That encapsulated our sexual confusion in this country. We are so confused about sex and intimacy and love (my next post) because they’ve all been distorted and subsumed into one another. It is getting better but the confusion is deep in our psyche – I see it all of the time with the men I work with. And their MH clinicians! And, yes, I think it all comes down to communication and doing the personal work so that, at least, I am not controlled by the sex funnel.
“Women have sex when they feel loved, and men feel loved when they have sex…”
How true! I think my husband would be totally happy if we just focused on sex and stopped talking so much about ennervating issues….meanwhile, I am just fuming all the time because he doesn’t want to address this crucial stuff….I have to talk about key issues with other close people (so I am less angry with him), but he just doesn’t get how important it would be if he hashed things out more with me….(sigh!)
Hopefully this article helped you appreciate how your husband may likewise be fuming because YOU don’t want to address the crucial stuff (i.e., sex), and how YOU just don’t get how important it would be if you were intimate more often. Sigh.
I have to agree – to a degree with CopyLeft – - the disconnect is the responsibility of men and women – to meet each other where were at. While that saying rings true it also challenges me to look at my wife’s perspective. And she mine. Men are not taught or encouraged to share our inner lives yet I don’t know a man who does not truly desire this. I hope this article can start as much dialogue with couples as it does individuals. Thanks for your comments!
Leia, give your husband more credit than that. He’s more complicated than an animal that eats, sleeps, and wants to fuck. Using that language on purpose.
He wants more than that, and you don’t mind making love with him when you feel loved and safe. There’s this really interesting circle between men and women where men need to be very intentional about how they behave outside the bedroom if they want their wives / SO’s to reciprocate with sex. When we make women feel loved outside the bedroom, she’ll also let us love her in the bedroom. That’s the positive version of the cycle.
However, if a guy feels alienated from the safety of his wife somehow, or he learns that his wife isn’t going to be generous and loving, which is her making the effort and putting in the work to love him, then he starts to think there isn’t much of a point putting in the work to love her. That’s the negative cycle when lovers suddenly become roommates.
Someone has to break the cycle at some point by being humble enough to start the conversation that needs to turn into an argument and maybe even a shouting match to clear the air and get back to the place where two people are ready to love one another again.
Yes, your husband does want to have sex with you. But he also wants to be the guy who makes you happy all the time. Let him try
Good point that many men associate intimacy with sex, and that can be something that holds men back.
But, being intimate with a woman and thinking about sex doesn’t mean that sex “gets in the way” of other things. Contrary to popular belief, a man can actually think about sex AND do other things at the same time. Thoughts of sex don’t necessarily destroy everything else. Not even actual physical arousal means there’s no room for anything but sex. Let’s give men just a little more credit.
I agree. I don’t think I said what you imply. I will say that without personal awareness those forces and ideas are quite powerful
Love this thread!
Yay for other relationships beside the sexual!
Even as a woman as I watch my mind I sometimes respond a little differently to someone based on whether I find him sexually appealing – whether or not that’s what I want to do.
As said here, seeing it, noting it, and letting it go non-judgmentally has seemed the most effective route.
Beating self up sort of never works …
And, once the tendency’s acknowledged, space for appropriate/authentic intimacy opens up.
Thanks CJ – I always enjoy your comments.
I find this article both a stretch of awareness, but also leaves questions unanswered. I agree we need to stop being afraid of connecting with people based on resisting sexual urges. I have huge intimacy issues; I’ll own that right now. I didn’t have great models in that with my parents. But I have met couples after becoming an adult who inspire me to find and nurture that kind of a connection. I hold a lot of emotional pain, but at the same time I’m also sexaphobic. I guess what I’m asking is: how do I get past the blockages and the confusion of this funnel and get into something real?
I agree Jean – with CJ – I did not grow up in a healthy environment for many things (see some of my other articles) and for those of us in that situation it takes work. Mindfulness is wonderful – we get to see ourselves. You maybe could do it alone but it takes so much more work than when we have the love and support of others. I have worked my ass for almost 20 years to get to this place. It starts exactly how you did – by acknowledging an area you would like to grow in and then taking action to address it when you’re ready. Best of luck!
Jean, you say you are sexaphobic, and if that’s really how oyu see, wel, that’ works for you. But you might want to consider that your aversion to sex is not a phobia, not pathological, but simply asexuality, something completley normal – not the norm for most people, but the norm for you.
And then you might want to look at the damage you have taken from trying to override that and to fit in.
Do you have a cat or a dog? Think of the emotional intimacy you experience with them. They have no sexual hang ups and they also have no experience of linking sex to intimacy. To them, sex is just when the hormones meet the right smells, but intimacy is when you cuddle in cold weather.
@Jean: Find a good therapist. I see one. It’s absolutely worth it.
Also, mindfulness generally can be most useful in identifying the underlying issues that support the ‘sexaphobia.’
Bringing to consciousness unconscious pain typically releases its hold.
Good luck!
Following up on Dan G’s comment – yes. In the the interest of full disclosure I practice with a Zen group. You don’t have to do that – there are many forms of spirituality/Buddhism/etc. – but it does help to have the support of a group. Also they tend to point out when you get stuck
Homophobia is a major way society controls men. It is realy useful as a divide and conquer tactic. It is really useful in making them emotionally dependent on realtionships only women can grant. It is really useful in building a gender identity anxiety -” AmI man enough?” that can be leveraged into male disposability.
This is all of society, women as well as men. In fact think back – how many times have you seen “A real man….” in any kind of print? And how often has that article been directed mostly at a female audience, or been written by a woman? So how active is that meme among women, and so how likely are they to enforce it on men?
The only men’s space where I see that kind of thing is Manhood 101 (where I never go so don’t see it) and some PUA type places I stumble on to by mistake.
Nicely said Jim. I agree. Very well said. The part of how homophobia limits our relationship with men and women is very important. In my trainings – though it is not the best interpretation of the roots of the word – I encourage people to think about homophobia as being more about fear of men than fear or hatred of homosexuals and homosexuality.
Austin Gunter, you said it right… “When we make women feel loved outside the bedroom, she’ll also let us love her in the bedroom. That’s the positive version of the cycle.” And also, “Someone has to break the cycle at some point by being humble enough to start the conversation that needs to turn into an argument and maybe even a shouting match to clear the air and get back to the place where two people are ready to love one another again.” Your solution though simple is direct and uncomplicated. Problem is most human beings believe the idea that being the one to ‘break the cycle’ shows signs of weakness. If we could ever shift our paradigm to view this as a position of strength, then there would be real hope for progress within ALL relationships.
I know from personal experience with my husband of 33+ years, we’ve hit all the clichés regarding husbands vs wives, men vs women and they have had detrimental hurtful effects for both of us. It wasn’t until I discovered a few things about myself and became determined that I was not going to go to my grave without having at least given it my all regardless. I would at least know I had done everything I could to make this work… for BOTH of us. Besides… I remembered I still loved the man. I wasn’t going to participate in the vs anymore. I was determined to participate in the and… unity vs competition.
(A little off the original topic but not too much) We began when I started the conversation and here we are 11 months later in a much better state. No, we haven’t achieved perfection, it’s not possible here on earth anyways, but we are both working toward improving little by little each day. Our sex life isn’t what we want it to be (our age and physical limitations have a little to do with this, but we aren’t letting it stop us), but hell yes it sure isn’t what it once was… nearly non-existent. Funny thing is it’s like our roles have always been reversed. I was the one who felt neglected sexually. I’m the ‘at least once a day’ kind of gal while he, like a camel, could go for long stretches without. But I appreciate his willingness to make more of an effort. And he’s opening up and conversing more, which helps us both; reconnecting at the end of each day and becoming more intimate with the things we feel and share with each other. What do you know…the honeymoon isn’t over after all. Yahoo!
Most women (note I didn’t say ALL) want to be more physically intimate with their partners. It’s just that when the only time your man reaches out for you is in the bedroom with the goal being to have sex, we tend not to see that as a sign of him loving us. We see it as him needing us for just this one thing. I myself have often felt as though I was this useful object here to take care of an itch he was having, not as a woman who so moved my man to demonstrate his love for me in a physical way.
Guys, if you want your lady to be all over you, whenever, wherever, however, you have start your day (and hers) with the thought that she is so important to you, ALL day not just at night between the sheets and demonstrate it in ways SHE understands not just what you think she wants. Kisses, hugs, nuzzles, cuddles, notes or a call to hear her voice etc. throughout the day lets her know you think of her and appreciate her and not just for sex. You’ll get a lot farther by helping to do the dishes or picking up the living room than by spending big bucks on candy and flowers. Don’t get me wrong, we like those too, but by offering to help we see that as a sign of your caring for us and appreciating how much we contribute. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And it may take a few tries before she believes what she’s hearing or seeing or feeling. The time you put in will be worth it for both of you so stick with it.
Thanks for letting me post and share what’s floating in my noggin this morning.
Never surrender, never give up. Love is worth all the effort you make.
Beth, +1000. Thanks for sharing it. It’s not as complicated as it might seem when we remember those little things.
Wow Beth! Well said. I have find your comments about helping around the house to be so true. I am part of a small men’s accountability group and every one of us asked our spouses what are 5 things we could do to help them feel more loved. EVERY one of the wives said – help out around the house more. Who knew that doing the dishes was foreplay for women! LOL
Thanks. I admire you so much for being willing to ask your spouse the question. It’s great to see a man willing to make such a concerted effort to improve his relationship. If more men were following your example I believe the divorce rates would decline. More women would respond in ways that men would respond favorably to and bring couples closer.