How much are you limiting your relationships by framing intimacy in terms of sex? Dan Griffin talks about his own experiences.
This article was originally posted at DanGriffin.com.
First, this is not an article about the newest sex toy you can purchase on Adam and Eve dot com. It is about a core concept from our groundbreaking curriculum, Helping Men Recover, describing the vehicle through which so many men experience all forms of intimacy. When feelings of closeness, affection, attraction, love, and connection pass through the “sex funnel” they become interpreted through the lens of sex. We are mostly unconscious of it but it affects so much of how we behave in relationships. While women are also impacted by this idea, they are not raised to view sex as something that will literally save them and solve all of their problems. I don’t know how much of it is nature and how much is nurture, but I do know that when I was getting married and the husband and wife couple leading our marriage class told us, “Women have sex when they feel loved and men feel loved when they have sex”, I had not heard any other maxim that felt truer for me. That remains true for me. And, as I have spoken to other men, that idea has resonated greatly with them as well, and it seems to have little to do with whether a man is an addict or not.
Think about it.
If you are a heterosexual man, how many times have you felt close to another man and held back from expressing those feelings? Said differently, how many men feel attraction to or affection for a man and recoil or instinctively distance themselves, if only momentarily, from the man because they are not able to separate the feeling of affection or closeness from sex? For some men it is not momentary, but rather a constant saboteur of their relationships with other men keeping them at arm’s distance, at best. This is not a cognitive experience – it is deeply rooted inside of us and operates on a visceral level. But it is there for many of us keeping us from experiencing the depth and power of connections with other men. Of course, this concept overlaps with homophobia – a huge issue in the recovery community – but that is another post unto itself.
The sex funnel also interferes with our relationships with women. One way this happens is that many men have difficulty simply being connected to women without letting sex get in the way. Sometimes it is just the thought of sex. Or the inability not to have sexual feelings come up and interfere with our interactions. Of course sexual feelings and thoughts are going to come up at times and there is nothing wrong with that but when we attach to them and let them slip into the funnel we head down a path that complicates our feelings. This may sound a bit overthought, but when we create a space for men to talk about this it is amazing how many see how often it operates in their lives.
What’s my point?
My personal experience has been that awareness of the sex funnel and being able to notice when basic feelings of connection and intimacy are about to slide into the narrow and limited confines of the funnel I try my best to notice them and simply be with the feeling without judgment. This practice works with my wife as much as it does with women I meet in the trainings I do or at the conferences I attend. Whether it is thinking that sex is the connection I need from my wife when it is not to thinking that a woman who is attractive is worth more of my time than a woman I don’t find attractive, I am constantly navigating the impact of the sex funnel. I have discovered after many years of trying that sex alone cannot create the connections I desire. I also know that when I don’t allow myself the full spectrum of feelings of intimacy I limit my relationships with men and women and when I do that I limit my experience of life. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of that.
Photo—theogeo/Flickr
Austin Gunter, you said it right… “When we make women feel loved outside the bedroom, she’ll also let us love her in the bedroom. That’s the positive version of the cycle.” And also, “Someone has to break the cycle at some point by being humble enough to start the conversation that needs to turn into an argument and maybe even a shouting match to clear the air and get back to the place where two people are ready to love one another again.” Your solution though simple is direct and uncomplicated. Problem is most human beings believe the idea that… Read more »
Beth, +1000. Thanks for sharing it. It’s not as complicated as it might seem when we remember those little things.
Wow Beth! Well said. I have find your comments about helping around the house to be so true. I am part of a small men’s accountability group and every one of us asked our spouses what are 5 things we could do to help them feel more loved. EVERY one of the wives said – help out around the house more. Who knew that doing the dishes was foreplay for women! LOL
Thanks. I admire you so much for being willing to ask your spouse the question. It’s great to see a man willing to make such a concerted effort to improve his relationship. If more men were following your example I believe the divorce rates would decline. More women would respond in ways that men would respond favorably to and bring couples closer.
Homophobia is a major way society controls men. It is realy useful as a divide and conquer tactic. It is really useful in making them emotionally dependent on realtionships only women can grant. It is really useful in building a gender identity anxiety -” AmI man enough?” that can be leveraged into male disposability. This is all of society, women as well as men. In fact think back – how many times have you seen “A real man….” in any kind of print? And how often has that article been directed mostly at a female audience, or been written by… Read more »
Nicely said Jim. I agree. Very well said. The part of how homophobia limits our relationship with men and women is very important. In my trainings – though it is not the best interpretation of the roots of the word – I encourage people to think about homophobia as being more about fear of men than fear or hatred of homosexuals and homosexuality.
Following up on Dan G’s comment – yes. In the the interest of full disclosure I practice with a Zen group. You don’t have to do that – there are many forms of spirituality/Buddhism/etc. – but it does help to have the support of a group. Also they tend to point out when you get stuck 🙂
@Jean: Find a good therapist. I see one. It’s absolutely worth it.
Also, mindfulness generally can be most useful in identifying the underlying issues that support the ‘sexaphobia.’
Bringing to consciousness unconscious pain typically releases its hold.
Good luck!
I find this article both a stretch of awareness, but also leaves questions unanswered. I agree we need to stop being afraid of connecting with people based on resisting sexual urges. I have huge intimacy issues; I’ll own that right now. I didn’t have great models in that with my parents. But I have met couples after becoming an adult who inspire me to find and nurture that kind of a connection. I hold a lot of emotional pain, but at the same time I’m also sexaphobic. I guess what I’m asking is: how do I get past the blockages… Read more »
I agree Jean – with CJ – I did not grow up in a healthy environment for many things (see some of my other articles) and for those of us in that situation it takes work. Mindfulness is wonderful – we get to see ourselves. You maybe could do it alone but it takes so much more work than when we have the love and support of others. I have worked my ass for almost 20 years to get to this place. It starts exactly how you did – by acknowledging an area you would like to grow in and… Read more »
Jean, you say you are sexaphobic, and if that’s really how oyu see, wel, that’ works for you. But you might want to consider that your aversion to sex is not a phobia, not pathological, but simply asexuality, something completley normal – not the norm for most people, but the norm for you. And then you might want to look at the damage you have taken from trying to override that and to fit in. Do you have a cat or a dog? Think of the emotional intimacy you experience with them. They have no sexual hang ups and they… Read more »
Love this thread!
Yay for other relationships beside the sexual!
Even as a woman as I watch my mind I sometimes respond a little differently to someone based on whether I find him sexually appealing – whether or not that’s what I want to do.
As said here, seeing it, noting it, and letting it go non-judgmentally has seemed the most effective route.
Beating self up sort of never works …
And, once the tendency’s acknowledged, space for appropriate/authentic intimacy opens up.
Thanks CJ – I always enjoy your comments.
Good point that many men associate intimacy with sex, and that can be something that holds men back.
But, being intimate with a woman and thinking about sex doesn’t mean that sex “gets in the way” of other things. Contrary to popular belief, a man can actually think about sex AND do other things at the same time. Thoughts of sex don’t necessarily destroy everything else. Not even actual physical arousal means there’s no room for anything but sex. Let’s give men just a little more credit.
I agree. I don’t think I said what you imply. I will say that without personal awareness those forces and ideas are quite powerful
“Women have sex when they feel loved, and men feel loved when they have sex…”
How true! I think my husband would be totally happy if we just focused on sex and stopped talking so much about ennervating issues….meanwhile, I am just fuming all the time because he doesn’t want to address this crucial stuff….I have to talk about key issues with other close people (so I am less angry with him), but he just doesn’t get how important it would be if he hashed things out more with me….(sigh!)
Hopefully this article helped you appreciate how your husband may likewise be fuming because YOU don’t want to address the crucial stuff (i.e., sex), and how YOU just don’t get how important it would be if you were intimate more often. Sigh.
I have to agree – to a degree with CopyLeft – – the disconnect is the responsibility of men and women – to meet each other where were at. While that saying rings true it also challenges me to look at my wife’s perspective. And she mine. Men are not taught or encouraged to share our inner lives yet I don’t know a man who does not truly desire this. I hope this article can start as much dialogue with couples as it does individuals. Thanks for your comments!
Leia, give your husband more credit than that. He’s more complicated than an animal that eats, sleeps, and wants to fuck. Using that language on purpose. He wants more than that, and you don’t mind making love with him when you feel loved and safe. There’s this really interesting circle between men and women where men need to be very intentional about how they behave outside the bedroom if they want their wives / SO’s to reciprocate with sex. When we make women feel loved outside the bedroom, she’ll also let us love her in the bedroom. That’s the positive… Read more »
This is one of the best articles about men’s sexuality in the West that I’ve ever read. Thank you. I’m going to be processing this for myself over the coming weeks. You’ve explained the ways that sex affects relationships, both platonic and romantic, in a way that is evident but unspoken / unacknowledged in our culture. The question I got from your post was, “How are men in America able to show affection for one another without crossing over into sexual territory.” I think that’s the answer for why we see men in other countries able to embrace and kiss… Read more »
I think you touched on an enlightening factor there, Austin.” I think that’s the answer for why we see men in other countries able to embrace and kiss one another, but we’re unable to.” Many other cultures seem to be comfortable that way and intimate in ways NA isn’t. You also more often see nudity in many countries, women bare breasted and men also wearing little, But it’s natural. An acceptance of the natural human body and not about sex. North America among others is over-sexualized. And attaches a heavy stigma to sex. This article is a welcome eye-opener of… Read more »
Thanks Austin and Mike! in my graduate school one of the professors had this sign on his door: “sex is a very dirty thing, you should only do it with someone you love.” That encapsulated our sexual confusion in this country. We are so confused about sex and intimacy and love (my next post) because they’ve all been distorted and subsumed into one another. It is getting better but the confusion is deep in our psyche – I see it all of the time with the men I work with. And their MH clinicians! And, yes, I think it all… Read more »