When this happened, I shut down my Tinder account forever.
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I recently shut down my Tinder account. Before I tell you what happened that led to that decision, it’s important to know why I even signed up for Tinder in the first place.
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Here’s how it all began…
Two years after my divorce, I realized I wouldn’t go on many dates if I didn’t date online. So, I signed up for a matching site, where a matchmaker does the searching for you. I thought it would be less scary and overwhelming than the big online dating sites where you have to search for your own matches.
A few matchmakers were assigned to scouting out the men they thought were a good match for me. They weren’t. Some were so far off track; I was a little insulted.
I realized pretty quickly that I disliked waiting to see which guy would show up in my inbox. I knew I’d be better at making my own matches.
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I realized pretty quickly that I disliked waiting to see which guy would show up in my inbox. I knew I’d be better at making my own matches. As a proactive woman, I quit that site and signed up for JDate.
I soon met a great guy and had my first awesome relationship post-divorce.
When that one ended, I met another guy in real life and dated him for several months.
Since then, I’ve been on several online dating sites and have met many wonderful men, (and some who were selfish, rude, whiners, and ex-bashers, but dating is all about sifting and sorting to find someone who’s right for you).
As my confidence grew, I became clearer about who I am and what I want and need in life and love. I value myself so much more than I did when I first began dating. I know how to communicate effectively with men. And with that clarity and focus, I’ve become a lot pickier about who I date.
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I signed up for dating apps for the first time
As dating apps became all the rage, I signed up for Bumble and two Jewish apps; JCrush, and JSwipe. I went on a few dates with men I met through those sites, but unfortunately, the connection was usually not strong enough for a second or third date.
I was ready to settle down with the right man, but I wasn’t having much luck.
One day, I was talking to a good friend about dating, and she told me she was having success on Tinder. “The quality of men on Tinder has gone way up since Tinder began. You should try it”, she said.
So I did. Quality of men way up? Um…not so much.
Here’s what happened when I signed up for Tinder
- I found a lot of guys who seemed weird, scary, clueless, and freakish, like the guy in the photo above.
- I saw a lot of men who rode motorcycles, wore camouflage, and were proud of the big fish they caught.
- I matched with men who asked for my number but never called.
- I started conversations with a few guys who suddenly disappeared.
- I was contacted by married men who wanted a threesome.
- I met a classless jerk who wanted to know if I was still sexual and sensual at my age, you know, to save himself from the heartache of being with a woman who was lousy in bed. I wrote about it here.
A hopeful romantic, I was still optimistic that those wonderful guys my friend spoke about would somehow materialize as I continued to swipe right or left.
—Nada—
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Then, I matched with a guy who seemed pretty awesome!
Handsome, smart, seemingly grounded and interesting. I was excited about the possibilities. Maybe Tinder was a good place to meet quality men after all!
That is, until he sent his second message.
“Just wondering what you’re on Tinder for. I’m looking for a long-term playmate who’s into the same fetish as me…pegging.”
Pegging? I had to look that one up. For those of you who are as naïve as I was, he wasn’t talking about sticking a peg into a hole. Well, he kind of was. Here’s the definition of pegging according to the Urban Dictionary.
Pegging is “anal sex reversed. Instead of the man sticking his penis up the woman’s butt, the woman wears a strap-on and sticks it up the man’s butt.”
I IMMEDIATELY UNINSTALLED MY TINDER ACCOUNT!
Ew. I felt dirty. I am no prude, but I was shocked at his response. I was so done with Tinder.
I know, I know, you’re probably thinking, “Sandy, don’t you know Tinder has a reputation as an app for hookups and fetishes? Why were you shocked?”
You’re probably thinking, “Sandy, don’t you know Tinder has a reputation as an app for hookups and fetishes?”
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Yes, I do know that, AND I also know that many people have found meaningful relationships on Tinder. According to this article, Tinder receives hundreds of emails a month from happy couples who met on their app, including the married couple featured in the article. Tinder is not just for hookups.
It’s also for serious loving relationships. My girlfriend met her last boyfriend on Tinder. He was classy, French, and a gentleman. No weird fetishes. No large fish or threesomes.
But I’m done with Tinder. I’ll stick to JDate, OkCupid, and Match for now.
And I’ll continue to meet men in real life, putting down my smart phone long enough to make eye contact, smile, and say hello to men I meet while out walking, shopping, and traveling.
If Tinder works for you, I’m truly happy for you. Keep on swiping right. But I’m done. I am a woman of value, and I will date where I feel valued and where I can value the men I meet.
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How about you? Any success stories from dating online, on Tinder or another dating app? Any wacky stories? Please share below!
Photo: Flickr/Denis Bocquet
I don’t like dating apps and site with profiles. You can never know who is real behind those photos. Plus texting. That’s why I ran away from all those and found cleveland.partyline.com the chat line, just a simple call.
Not everyone is into the same stuff. But pegging is not weird or dirty. I found this ‘shocking reason’ to be anti-climactic and judgmental.
I totally agree. This entire article was essentially a woman saying “I’m not judgmental BUT YOUR FETISH IS NOT OK”. She states in her article “I became clearer about who I am and what I want and need in life and love. I value myself so much more than I did when I first began dating. I know how to communicate effectively with men. And with that clarity and focus, I’ve become a lot pickier about who I date.” It sounds to me like this guy was being clear about who and how he wanted to date, and valued himself… Read more »
Yeah, if this guy was respectful and brave enough to be up front about his desires, likely to avoid wasting your time or his own, why not just respectfully respond that you are more interested in finding a long term partner than a “playmate.” He might be of the mind that Tinder is only for hookups too, and maybe he’s on there because he hasn’t found that special someone yet, but doesn’t believe he would on Tinder? So meanwhile, he cares enough about himself to seek sexual fulfilment online. Chances are that someone who’s able to communicate so frankly and… Read more »
Can you say where this happened and when? Had a similar thing happen.
I used tinder for about a year and a half following the end of my last long term relationship. About a year ago I was going on about 2-3 dates a week with girls I met on tinder. I met a girl one week and we ended up going out twice and then the following week went on a short weekend trip together. Fast forward today, we just got married. I like to think there are some good potential matches across the Tinder universe. Good luck.
C’mon, Sandy. That guy in the picture is hot! No? I mean, how many guys have their own electric chair? I skipped over the definition of pegging, thank you very much. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, but I think I’ll remain naive about that one. The name alone scares the heck out of me. We all have our criteria as to what we seek in a partner. I was never into loud and boisterous women. Not into extroverts and party types. Not judging them, but they were just not right for me (just as sportsmen types are not… Read more »
@DJ Roukan, It WAS hard to turn down the electric chair guy, but alas, electrocution is not my fetish. I’m with you on personal preference for depth in a relationship, and you do have to get to know someone face to face in order to really know them. But, I’ve been dating long enough that I’ve gotten pretty good at discerning who might be a good fit. If you’re not vetting, you’re burning out, which can lead to shutting down altogether. Yes, I’m thrilled that this article resonated for many (and got some people riled up too, which is totally… Read more »
Dear Sandy may God bless you.
Success of dating is not having a great ‘relationship’. Well actually it is. Finding your romantic soulmate, to whom you’re ready to give. And one is only able to give which oneself has. You’ll find love within.
I have not used Tinder (thankfully I’m in a relationship – the thought of dating again at 49 terrifies me) but it seems to me that it may have one advantage which is that it lets people cut to the chase quickly. In the old days you might meet someone and go out on multiple dates, maybe even start a relationship before he/she tells you that they actually have this interesting fetish they want you to try…. If a guy is into pegging, I’d rather know up front, actually. Like you, I don’t think I’d want to try it, so… Read more »
“one advantage which is that it lets people cut to the chase quickly.”
You and I believe the same thing, but I suspect there are some people who wouldn’t mind a free meal or concert, etc. before they find out. That really depends on how you value time and other people.
I think this is an unfortunate article to appear on GMP. If one isn’t into someone elses fetishes that’s fine. Kudos to the dude who was up front about it right from the get go than set himself up for devastation when he finally reveals what he’s into and his supposed partner just bails. This article smacks of revulsion and judgement of men. Men who like to go fishing or wear camos or ride motorcycles are just fine, they can be as much wonderful men as those guys who dress in suits, have fancy hair and drive sports cars. Judging… Read more »
I love this post, Jennifer. Warms my black heat to see a woman spirited about protecting men, treating them as true equals. It did sound as if she was judging. I can’t speak to that, or speak for her, but I can say that the reason I was a bit silly in my reply to her is because we’ve talked just a bit, collaborated on an essay, and I trust her enough to let my guard down because I understand that she is not at all anti-male, but just trying to help. We guys express it that way sometimes too,… Read more »
Thanks for coming to my defense, DJ. You are correct, I am so not a man-hater. I wouldn’t be writing at the GMP every week to help people attract healthy loving relationships if I didn’t like men. I wouldn’t be coaching women to make less assumptions about men. I wouldn’t be teaching women how to understand and communicate with men.
I apologize if I came across as judgmental. That was not my intention.
Letting your sexual fetish hang out early on is naturally going to turn off a good chunk of people. Feel free to lead with it but don’t get upset when people are naturally over-whelmed with the demand. It would be the same thing by expecting too much emotional intimacy too quickly. Usually men get turned off when women jump right into a first date talking about kids and marriage. Women get turned off when a man jumps off demanding his sexual fetishes be met. And no, it’s not judgmental. There is a natural progression of intimacy that most of us… Read more »
@Erin, I love what you said about the harm of leading with fetishes and sexual advances. Sure, everyone is entitled to their fetishes or lack thereof. The bottom line is, I am looking for depth and intimacy in a relationship, and sex (and a conversation about fetishes) before intimacy is not going to work for me. You’re right, women should also not be jumping the gun with rushing emotional intimacy or planning for the future before there is a present. Too much too soon can ruin a potentially good relationship. Whatever happened to dating? Courtship? We live in a Netflix… Read more »
The ‘shocking reason’…
As it’s so shocking when a man likes something outside of the man box. How dare he like something different, didn’t he know it would ‘offend’ you! You are a women of ‘value’ after all!
“If Tinder works for you, I’m truly happy for you. Keep on swiping right. But I’m done. I am a woman of value”
Basically implying that if you are a women using tinder, you are not of value … Nice
I’m 23 and tried Tinder, but it’s really hard to find someone my age looking for a relationship. I don’t do hookups and definitely not the type of girl that a lot of men seem to be looking for online, and I’d actually love the chance to meet someone “the old fashioned way” so I will make more of an effort to hold eye contact and smile if I actually receive it from someone in public. I think the younger generation has become rather unskilled in actually “picking up” people face-to-face because they’ve been raised on apps and dating sites,… Read more »
@Jessica, Yes, it would be awesome to meet people the ‘old fashioned way’; in real life, getting set up, etc. And for a 23-year-old, it could still happen for you if you get out and socialize and let your friends know the type of man you’re looking for so they can set you up with someone appropriate for you. Yep, the younger generation has become ‘unskilled’ in dating face-to-face. I don’t think it’s just your generation, though—I think it’s true for every age. Online dating can be a blessing and a curse, but if used correctly, it’s a wonderful tool… Read more »
Jessica – I loved hearing your perspective as a younger woman. I actually feel the same way as you. I would love to meet a man authentically in public. I don’t think this is just an issue with younger men. I though older men don’t know how to approach women in public either all the time. I noticed that men appear less engaged in public. I’m also not the type of girl most guys are looking for but I’ve even seen really beautiful women in public get ignored and I would simply think, “Why aren’t these guys even noticing her????”… Read more »
@john hall
I’m glad I made you laugh today 🙂
Online dating is a great way to meet people, especially if you’re over 40. You just have to take it all with a grain of salt, and be able to laugh. That’s key to keeping your sanity!
Thank you for making me laugh although I am not laughing at you. I think you’re brave to even be on a dating site. I’m still a dinosaur and like meeting men face to face however thanks for the heads up about the potential wins and pitfalls of online dating.