Juliette Adams gives a list of her personal pet peeves.
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You always remember your best lovers and also your worst lovers. Since you’d probably prefer to be remembered in a positive light, if you care enough you can accomplish this with ease. With a little selflessness, care and attention to detail, you can at least keep yourself off the “worst” list. If I can save even one man or one woman from having a headache inducing experience in bed, it’s a mitzvah.
1) Kissing with gum in your mouth. I don’t know why this bothers me, but it really drives me insane. First of all, how do you even do this? Do you hide the gum under your tongue while you kiss? That seems more difficult than just throwing the gum out. It’s immature, lazy and a huge turnoff. If you can’t spit your gum out, I can’t kiss you.
2) Going too fast. Rushing foreplay, or even worse, skipping it entirely is the cardinal sin of sex. As “high-schoolish” as it may seem there are four bases for a reason. Go in order or they don’t work. If you are about to have sex with a woman and she isn’t turned on, go back to first base and start again. Trying to force your way in is both painful and rude. Women take longer than men to get aroused. And spitting on your hand is not considered foreplay.
3) Not listening. Unless you have a genuine hearing problem there is no excuse for this. When a woman tells you she likes what you’re doing and not to stop, listen to her. I’ve had too many botched orgasms because my partner didn’t listen to me and there was a sudden change in motion, speed, or intensity. Also, when a woman squeals “ouch,” that means it hurts. When you hear that word you need to stop whatever it is that you’re doing immediately, or do it more gently or slower. The one thing not to do is continue what the “ouch” induced in the first place.
4) Not letting the woman come first. Always let the woman come first, or die trying. I don’t care what you have to do to make this happen. Figure it out. One thing not to do is keep telling her you want her to come or that you’re waiting for her to come. That is an extremely pressure inducing statement that will guarantee to stress her out and will ultimately backfire.
5) Being selfish. Laying back with your hands behind your head and expecting a woman to service you while you do nothing to her is hysterical. And by hysterical I mean pathetic. Yes, of course we get turned on by pleasing you too, but it’s a two way street. Needless to say, we don’t get turned on just by looking at you unless you’re Bradley Cooper.
6) Bad hygiene. It’s very disconcerting when you’re with a man to whom you’re insanely attracted and he has dirty hands, or worse – dirty fingernails. You can’t help but wonder what else is dirty, especially what you can’t see.
7) Going down on a woman for too long or not long enough. There is for sure a happy medium here, although clearly that will be different for everyone. Going down on someone for a minute means you’re lazy, not really interested, and just trying to get an “A” for effort. This is always transparent and never appreciated. It begs the question: Why bother? On the flip side spending an hour down there is simply overkill. Quite frankly it gets boring and we just want the real thing. I’ve literally had fights with men over this. I’ve wanted to have sex and they wanted to keep going. Don’t torture us because it’s “what you like doing.” Listen to us (refer to Lesson #3).
8) Trying to take control of the vibrator. No, you can’t hold the vibrator! It just doesn’t work like that. You’re not four years old and it’s not your toy. If we ask you to help that’s one thing, but if you think you know the exact right spot to hold it you’re insane. It’s simply impossible for another person to figure that out.
9) Bragging about how good you are before anything happens. Nine out of ten times the only thing that achieves is setting your partner up for disappointment. Be humble. Be quiet. Show. Don’t tell. If you’re good, we’ll be the first to tell you.
10) Being too quiet. I don’t need an ongoing monologue, but please show me that you’re alive, and hopefully enjoying yourself. Zero communication and complete silence feels very disconnected, detached and just plain weird.
im 13 and i still have sex with my 15 yr old bf in pickup trucks anywhere, we get high all the time and we go to juvy alot we are called thugs up were we used to live in Compton you know what im saying, anyway when i give him a bj and he just sits there looking at you like your not doing it right instead of telling you just looking at you, like boii no thats what turns me off the most, its so fucking annoying know one wants that shit to hppend to them if they… Read more »
Sure, it would be great if women would come first. When is that going to happen? LOL.
Mother Nature has wired us differently and so yeah, guys generally speaking get off quicker, much quicker, at least in the early stages of a relationship. Some guys are probably selfish and just don’t care about your needs, but I think most guys want to give you pleasure.
Really? Die first or die trying? That is just as insane as me saying you should hurry up your orgasm to keep pace with me.
#5 has always seemed like common sense to me, especially during oral. I’d feel like I was being horrifically rude if I just laced my fingers behind my head. Reaching down to run my fingers through her hair, caress her face, rub her shoulders and touch her breasts just strikes me as proper blowjob etiquette.
Agreed! Never been much for the stereotypical, porno blowjob act. Touch her, move with her motions, don’t force them.
LOL thank you for this.
Not letting the women come first? WTF.
Why do lists like this still exist? Why are there so many on this (and so many other otherwise reputable sites)? Did I stumble on to the Cosmo site without realizing it?
There is only two guide lines for sex in my opinion. And this is for both him and her. 1) don’t stick any thing up the arse unless asked too. 2) ask your partner what they want. Does not matter how much experience you have. Just ask. In regards to this list. Complete bull shit. This lady talks and we get more dumb because of it.
Here’s another do’s and don’t guide.
http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/15-dos-and-donts-awesome-sex
BROTHERS, WHAT’S WITH ALL THE ADVICE TO WASH YOUR F*CKING HANDS?!?!? WHAT’S HAPPENING OUT THERE?!?! FOR F*CKS SAKE!
These are not literally the worst things, though, are they? Just the most common.
Other bad ones that are surefire moodkillers. I can neither confirm nor deny that any of these are autobiographical:
1. Calling her by someone else’s name. (unless she asks for that beforehand….)
2. Spontaneous “porn moves” — spanking, hairpulling, etc. (Get permission first!)
3. Using her sex toy on your own anus (worse than sharing a toothbrush!)
Nick – – it doesn’t seem like this article was a complete waste of time since you not only read this one but Pam Gaslow’s last piece. Perhaps you’re secretly a fan of Ms. Gaslow. So much so, that you took the time to write a comment. So contrary to what you write, I think you’re both entertained by Ms. Gaslow and attracted to her. I hear she’s single, so check out her website and ask her out on a date. And definitely let us know how it goes. I’m willing to foot the bill up to $200.
Thanks Vivian, your logic is … well, it’s bullet proof that’s what it is! Undeniable 🙂
Slight logistical problem though … I live in Australia. Will you pay for an air fare too? Plus accomodation? If you can spot me $2,500 I’d happily fly to New York and go on a date with Pam.
I don’t know why you seem to think that only men do these things. I once had a girlfriend who wanted to skip foreplay (or do as little as possible). She would routinely lie there in silence doing nothing, not reciprocating or giving any indication of enjoying herself, which made me feel like a rapist. When I tried to explain that I needed foreplay too, her typical response was “I’m not a hooker!” When I tried to point out that I wasn’t a mind reader and needed feedback (even something as simple as “mmmm!”), it was taken as proof that… Read more »
Of course women do that too. It’s just that women don’t do that as much. At all. That’s all.
I’m always super keen to hear what women like/dislike in bed, but this article was a complete waste of my time. If I ever find myself doing anything in that list, I’ll give up on women and become a celibate monk! For example, who on earth brags about how good they are before sex? Or has dirty hands? Or doesn’t listen to their lady? I just can’t relate to that list at all. I wonder what kind of men the author is attracting into her life? Sounds like they don’t respect her at all. Perhaps that’s a mirror, perhaps she… Read more »
Nick Pam like to intimidate. But who becomes a better lover after intimidation and critisism? Still she there is some truth in what she says about women need time to get aroused(20-30 minutes) and not all women prefer oral “for ever” insted of actual vaginal intercourse. (And it is actually true that some men brag about how good they are in bed,befor they even get there). Still I do not like the tone she uses ,and if the men she makes love to are that terrible then maybe this show that intimidation is not the best guide for good love… Read more »
I have some “bro” tendencies, and I’ve been guilty of stereotypically clueless male behavior, but bragging about sexual skill has always seemed stupid to me. (Even to ME, and that’s saying something….) Bragging has no benefit whatsoever in encouraging a woman to sleep with you, and it usually backfires. It gives the impression that you’re overcompensating. I’ve found it’s better for your partner to be pleasantly surprised, after you’ve been self-deprecating and modest, than for your partner to be hugely disappointed after raising unrealistic expectations. Though I’m not sure you really could raise expectations that way. 99% of women will… Read more »
Always under-promise and over-deliver!
Nick
I follow your idea and read her first article here on GMP.
And this is not up to standard.
She is not funny and she does not love.
I guess she is the one that brags about her sexlife without love.
To use a cute man for sex for three years and write about it as if it is funny.
I’m going to print this and give them out on all of my dates. I’m in total agreement on all ten points although I may be a little more daring and allow potential lovers to use my vibrator on me if they actually know what they’re doing. If not, I’ll turn around and use it on them! But seriously, this girl cracks me up and so much of what she says is completely true. Men – – read carefully!
Vivian…. ummm… you’ll be giving out a list of sexual requirements on ALL of your DATES?
I think it’s pretty clear that “Jon” is doing something dead wrong here. Like keeping up the charade that he was meant to be in a relationship with a woman. I’m guessing “Jon” should try new avenues of pleasure, like being locked in a room full of kittens who haven’t been fed for at least two weeks while he strips to his underpants and hops aboard a swing set in his living room fashioned from mid-century furniture and rope that he has carefully weaved from the braided hair of ponies died pink and knotted up and adorned with little green… Read more »
Wtf? Troll much buddy. Step away from the computer and emerge from moms basement for a while. There’s real people outside.
The problem with this trolling is that I couldn’t even understand the point. 🙁
This author, as she rails against male selfishness, sounds pretty selfish. It’s a mutual experience, not a test for the man. If a man is selfish in life, he’ll likely be selfish in bed. There are plenty who aren’t. Stick with them.
Pam, it sounds like you’re a chronic rule #5 violator.
Can the author elaborate on number 10?
What exactly should the guy be saying in bed? Or do you mean groaning, and sexual noises?
How about expressing some emotions ?
Be passionate !
“I love you”.
“This is good…..”
“I am coming …”.
” sighs of pleasure ….”
Would you like to pet a cat that never purr ?
I’m always for mutual satisfaction and pleasure but I’m kind of annoyed about the whole “she comes first always” thing. when you come first do you “die trying” to get your man off? Probably not because it’s kind of expected that a man is going to have his orgasm. What if he doesn’t? Did you fail? Was it “your job” to ensure that he comes? Sometimes people just aren’t getting there no matter what. The whole women come first thing bugs me because it puts it on men to make it happen but nowhere do we see women held to… Read more »
I can’t speak for all women, but when my man puts in the effort he can be certain that I will not stop pleasuring him until he asks me to.
Bravo Jon – I did wonder how the author missed putting point 4, “woman comes first” immediately before condemning *the men* for being selfish in point 5. A misfired joke, perhaps.
Jon it’s uncommon that a partner can bring a man to climax, hasn’t it been your experience that you bring yourself to orgasm through stimulation (tempo,friction,mental)?
I am not sure I agree with the die trying thing. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen and if I tell you to move on, please don’t keep trying until we are both raw and exhausted. This is why women end up faking orgasms. We don’t want you to kill yourself trying to give us an orgasm.