Sometimes the answers are right in front of you.
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I’d gone out with a girl, and we had fun, and I wanted to see her again.
And I told her that.
“We’ll do something soon,” she replied.
I got annoyed.
Soon? When is that? In a couple of days? A week? When?
I didn’t ask her when “soon” was because I thought she’d get annoyed with me and I didn’t want her to be annoyed with me. So I just said “sounds good” and left it at that.
But I didn’t just leave it at that. At least, not with myself.
Doesn’t she want to meet up again? I thought we had a good time? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that and what if she doesn’t like me, and where’s the conversation going to go now, and …
My thoughts owned me and I couldn’t seem to move beyond them.
A few days later, after I’d apparently put myself through enough pain, I asked her out directly.
She made some excuse.
I suggested another time and another place.
She made some excuse.
I suggested yet another time and yet another place.
Guess what she did?
And then I just said, “ok, well let me know when you’re free.”
I was fucking angry. But I was also upset. I was interested in her and it didn’t seem like she was interested in me.
I thought, “why are all women like this?”
And then I smiled.
Because I hadn’t learned something I thought I’d learned.
All women weren’t like that.
All the women I was choosing were like that.
All the women I’d ever chosen to be with had been indirect, and hadn’t liked me being direct, and were emotionally closed, and seemed to want me to pursue them, and had said things like “I know I’m a nightmare with this sort of stuff.”
Because that means I can make different choices..
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I hadn’t understood that until this moment. I’d just been blaming them. Blaming them for my choices.
Believing that “all women are [x]” is cowardly because it means you’re refusing to take responsibility.
But it’s also just a useless belief. How does believing that help you? The only thing it helped me to do was to blame everybody else for my own choices and, because of that, never do anything different.
Believing that “all the women I’m choosing are [x]” helps me to know that the only common denominator in every relationship I’ve ever had is me.
What a relief.
Because that means I can make different choices. That means I can choose a woman who’s completely different to who I’ve chosen before. That means I can go inside and understand why I made the choices I made.
You’re the common denominator in every relationship you’ve ever had.
That truth won’t change just because you don’t like it.
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Photo: Getty Images
You seem to be saying that you have some kind of ability, based on meeting a woman, asking her out, and going out on one date, to unerringly choose women who are ‘indierct, emotionally closed”, etc. That’s quite impressive, if true. So how do you choose differently? Did you find a ‘tell’ that you can rely on, because it seems like every guy would want to know how to detect women like that? Me? I still have a hard time assuming responsibility for always choosing to approach (hundreds of) women who wanted to talk to me (often for hours) but… Read more »
What you have here is a preponderance of evidence, that all women ARE like that. Every single one you have dated, friended or chatted with was like THAT. AND IF you ask around to your guy friends, you will find the majority of women / girls that they have interacted with were like THAT as well. So now your sampling has a Venn Diagram overlap of girls that are like THAT. You look young, so I am going to relay a life experience 20 years beyond where you are at, All women ARE like THAT. EVERY SINGLE ONE YOU MEET,… Read more »
My experience tells me that it’s actually true that “NAWALT”, but here’s the rub: The women out there who aren’t “like that” account for almost exactly 0.05% of the population, or at least according to my representative sample, and that of most of my friends. It actually does work out to roughly one in 2000. Good luck to you if you find one, and it turns out she’s not what you’re looking for, because that just means you’re onto you next set of 2000 rejections to find another one. Also, age and experience seem to be factors. Once you start… Read more »
You may be right but I feel if a girl really likes you and wants to meet you again, she will not waste time playing this chase game or being indirect. She might be thinking. So, better ask her directly whats in her mind and be brave enough to accept rejection, but trust me, she will admire you if you can directly ask her whats in her mind. If its a no, tell her on the face, it ws nice meeting you, bye, so that she too knows your worth.
Oh but she will “waste time playing the chase game”, because it’s well established that this is what she should do, and what society expects from her. If she doesn’t, then it’s a sign of weakness. Believe me, as a guy who was completely single for decades, but had lots of very close female friends, and seems to have an uncanny ability to draw honesty out of women, even in groups. I’ve spent a lot of time sitting around listening to groups of women talk about their prospective relationship interests, offering each other advice, and comparing notes as if there… Read more »