A dad’s advice can be confusing and inspiring. Find out why self-reliance was only achievable after the son “killed” his father.
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Some of the most confusing advice that I ever received was:
“If you want to be a man, kill your parents.”
It was mighty confusing for 17-year-old me, who was still searching for an identity, to receive this advice from my own father.
I believe he wanted me to step out of his shadow and to forge my own entity. It was quite hard to step out of the shadow of a man who accomplished so much in his life and did that by pulling up his own bootstraps.
My father fished in a paddled dinghy, until he finished his high school, to help support his parents and nine siblings. He moved from Manado, a city in North Sulawesi to Makassar in South Sulawesi, to pursue higher education. He dropped out of college during the preparation of his final thesis to pursue a job to support his own young family. Over the years, he built his own company and sent all his five kids to college, which ironically he did not see any of our graduations because of his death in 1996.
This was the shadow that I tried to kill through my 20s, and I found out that instead I tried to prove myself… to my parents.
Even when he passed away, I kept on struggling for his approval.
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I read books to prove my intelligence, I rebelled by taking an extreme political stand, and some of my writings were the plea for recognition. Tattoos, piercings, and a shaven head were my comfort of self-expression, but they were the antithesis of my father’s clean-shaven face and tidy clothing. Even when he passed away, I kept on struggling for his approval by questioning myself whether he’d support my work as counsellor, or if he’d be disappointed due to the longer time I needed to finish my college.
The opportunity to reassess my way to kill my parents emerged when I returned to my forgotten pass time of hiking.
A failed marriage and a steadier grip on the work routine provided me with more time to hike the Oregon wilderness of Tam MacArthur Rim, Green Lakes, Broken Top Mountain, Bear Lake Mountain, etc. I was carrying my own burden, navigating my own track, providing for myself in the middle of nowhere, and allowing silence to speak to me. These actions showed me that I could not and did not have to ask for a pat on my back whenever I survived windy cold night, or when I found my way back to the car after straying from the regular track.
As I returned to Indonesia, it took me 6 years to return to the wilderness due to establishing myself financially in the place that I left for 10 years. My training with Wanadri, a mountain and jungle explorer association, taught me new skills of navigating an unexplored area with only map and compass, understanding the contours of the land, surviving the unplanned longer days in the jungle, and preparing gear and logistics for trips and expedition.
I did not look for my father’s nod of approval because I had to be confident with my own decision.
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The more I trained, improved my skills, learned new skills, honed my confidence in the wilderness, I unconsciously and gradually stepped out of my parents’ shadow. In navigating the wilderness, I did not look for my father’s nod of approval because I had to be confident with my own decision in order to reach the target or return to my base camp. While preparing my camp with shelter, fire, and food, I relied on my own knowledge and capabilities to make the facilities secure for me for the night. When leading a group of search and rescue volunteers, I did not fear my parents’ frown for the judgment and orders that I gave in completing the mission.
Realizing how important this wilderness trip is, I avoided my parents’ mistake in introducing my siblings and I to wilderness a little bit too late. I took my 4-year-old son on a day hike and let him handle the obstacles by himself. It soothed me to see him refused my assistance to climb a boulder, or a fallen tree, or struggling against the ascending track. I made sure he understood the danger of crossing a narrow bamboo bridge, and why I had to help him to go through it.
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It will take long and arduous work to introduce more skills and knowledge of bushcraft to this boy and his two younger sisters. However, these are the independent values that I hope they can receive and practice in their adult lives. I hope these independent values and appreciation of nature and the wilderness will help them to avoid my mistakes in trying to find self-approval in others.
I hope they can successfully kill me in their own sweet time.
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Lead Photo: © Stranger/Flickr Photo: Paxson Woelber/Flickr