Thomas Fiffer explains how abuse doesn’t always fit the stereotypes, and that is why it is sometimes difficult to recognize and act on.
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A while back I wrote a blog post called “Call It What It Is.” I write a lot about dysfunctional relationships, and I wanted to educate people about domestic abuse, a subject with which I am intimately familiar, both in my own life and the lives of my friends. Being a writer – and a writerly writer – I thought if I could redefine the vocabulary of abuse, I could redefine people’s understanding of what constitutes abusive behavior and shatter a prevailing preconception: that abuse is always characterized by extreme anger and physical violence, a preconception that leads to untold suffering by causing people to pretend that what’s happening in their own lives and the lives of others doesn’t qualify as abuse, because it doesn’t look like the guy in the picture.
Abuse is a tricky topic to talk about and I got tripped up in words. I hid behind them, the same way so many victims hide behind a wall of denial and shame when bad stuff, really bad stuff, is happening to them.
So I’m going to try again. And instead of writing clever catch phrases like “abusive is not the new cranky, violent is not the new passionate, and borderline is not the new mercurial,” I’m going to connect with my outrage over what I’ve seen and continue to see.
I’m going to speak from experience and tell you that the man who puts on a suit every morning over the white undershirt washed, folded, and laid out for him by his wife, who goes to his well-paid job where he checks their bank account hourly for any signs of his wife’s purchases, who flies into a rage over her latte at Starbucks, who ignores her texts and phone calls all day, then comes home expecting a hot meal but withholds attention and affection from her, choosing instead to play endless video games, but never slaps her – I can tell you that this man is an abuser.
And I can tell you that the woman married to a man who earns a good six-figure income, who does more than his share of childcare, who serves with distinction on community boards, and who is in splendid physical shape for his age, the same woman who shops compulsively, calls her husband a failure, chastises him for not earning enough, demeans him in front of his children, and hits him below the belt without laying a finger on his person – I can tell you that this woman, too, is an abuser.
I can tell you that abusers can be handsome and pretty and rich and successful and invisibly malevolent and at times ever so confusingly loving and kind.
I can tell you that abusers can strike devastating blows by raising not their fists but a solitary eyebrow.
And I can tell you that abusers can torture their victims more viciously with silence than the cruelest of words.
I can tell you that abusers can be sitting at the next restaurant table, inhabiting the next cubicle, even living right next door.
The man who forces his wife to order fish instead of steak because she’s on a diet. He’s an abuser.
The colleague who gets off the phone with her husband and badmouths him to the whole office. She’s an abuser.
The neighbor who always smiles politely, buys his wife a fancy car and showers her with jewels and perfume to brighten her look of dull resignation and mask the smell of persistent fear. He’s an abuser.
The husband who says, “You know you love it, you know you want it,” and does it even though his wife doesn’t want it but doesn’t refuse it. He’s an abuser.
The girlfriend who pries her boyfriend away from his family and friends and gradually erodes those relationships, because she “loves him so much” and wants him all to herself. She’s an abuser.
The partner whose constant and cruel dismissiveness causes his spouse to doubt her opinions, her intelligence, and ultimately her own sanity. He’s an abuser.
And I can tell you that these abusers successfully convince the whole world – even their victim’s friends and families – that the abused person is the one doing the hurting, that the abuser is only reacting to being hurt, and that the abused person deserved, yes deserved, what he or she got.
I can go one step further and tell you, yes you, to take a good, hard look in the mirror. To run your own behaviors against a checklist or two. To see if you match any of the profiles, if you engage in any or many of the telltale patterns that constitute abuse—but only if you’re willing to be brutally honest. And if you’re here, on this website, reading this article, there’s a good chance you might.
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There, I’ve unsheathed the knife, and gone for the jugular—the way an abuser would. I’ve raised my fist in outrage, and tried to throw the knockout punch—the way an abuser would. I’ve cocked the gun, and…
Enough with the words already. Here’s my parting shot—fired at both abuse victims who are often unaware of what they’re dealing with, and at the apologists who enable abuse (particularly non-physical) by downplaying the damage and dismissing the victims’ cries for help with statements such as, “Well, it isn’t really that bad,” or “At least he didn’t hit you.” You know, the ones who listen impatiently to stories of a friend’s suffering, shake their heads, gladly pay for the coffee or drinks, then drive away and do nothing.
Minimizing, marginalizing, and helping others make excuses for abusive behavior of any kind is no different from condoning that behavior and allowing it to continue.
And just because your partner isn’t slamming you against a wall or verbally eviscerating you every night, that doesn’t mean you aren’t a victim – and ultimately a survivor – of serious, even criminally punishable domestic abuse. A nasty scowl, a dismissive remark, a jocular insult, really any sign of disrespect, much less contempt, all these are the tip of an unfathomable iceberg that freezes, then violently shatters any hope of intimacy, emotional security, and happiness in a relationship.
Abuse is endemic, if not epidemic. I don’t need to cite numbers, like 1 in 3 women or 1 in 4 men. I’m an English major, as you may have figured, but even I can do the math. When it comes to abuse, one plus one is not two. One isolated, unrepeated incident of reactive anger can be explained, forgiven, and effectively prevented going forward. But one plus one, that makes a pattern. And my son taught me something he learned in second grade – the grade I skipped because I was considered to be so “gifted.” A lesson I failed to learn early on. A pattern . . . is something that repeats itself.
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Photo: macnolete / flickr
Thomas thank you for this article. I have been abused most of my life in one way or another until about 4 years ago, and I can honestly say that I would rather be punched that mentally or emotionally abused. At least with a punch you know (eventually) that you need to get out and that its abuse, but with mental and emotion abuse it is insidious and creeps up on you and before you know it, you are no longer in any state to know what is right, what is wrong and are convinced that you are always the… Read more »
Thank you for sharing your experience and in doing so validating the point of the article that emotional abuse is harder to recognize and address than its physical counterpart. The confusion and self-doubt that ensue leave emotional abuse victims wondering, “What just happened? What did I do? And what’s wrong with me?” And you are correct that people who see it happening to others in public may know it’s wrong but lack the vocabulary to describe it, making emotional abuse either an unseen or if seen, an unnamed enemy. Let’s hope more people will start to call it what it… Read more »
I think that the more people like yourself and sites like goodmen project talk about issues like this then the more the average person gets a deeper understanding of all forms of abuse. Its something I feel very strongly about for both men and women – because it isn’t just men who are abusers, which is something I personally have had to fight hard to remember. Thanks again Thomas.
Shattering the preconceptions, opening the dialogue, and deepening the understanding are indeed all in order. Society condones abuse in many ways, whether through promulgating images in the media while failing to label them or through silence when it occurs. I feel strongly about it too and intend to take this to the next level by speaking out, through writing or in person, on other platforms. You make the excellent point that both women and men can be abusers, and abuse of men by women is even harder to address, because men are more reluctant to admit it is happening.
Absolutely! I’m looking forward to seeing more of your articles on this subject.
Today, I posted a follow up on my blog in response to the response. http://tomaplomb.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-power-of-words.html
Thomas, thank you for the article. People to whom I happen to talk about the abuse issue often don’t believe it can happen to them, as it happened to me. Everyone thinks they are somehow immune and they will definitely see the red flags… I had two emotionally abusive relationships. First guy would badmouth my friends, profession, dreams, goals, hobbies, ideas, my dedication to my family. The second one would resent my past relationships, ask and then shame me about my sexual preferences and fantasies, refuse to express affection, practice silent treatment and other types of passive agressive acts if… Read more »
Lau_ra, Thank you for appreciating the writing and for sharing your important perspective. People don’t believe it can happen to them, especially if they’re intelligent, well-educated, successful, and let’s say, emotionally competent. When someone attacks the things and the people you value, it’s often done under the guise of, “you can do better.” You can do better than that rotten job you have, those terrible friends, those meaningless goals and silly hobbies you have, and your sister or brother or father or mother isn’t treating you with respect. Even more insidious is that abusers, being eerily attuned to your pain… Read more »
The way I see it, when you hear something like “you are not good enough” or “you can do better” , its time to pick your stuff and leave. I agree its extremely hard to do, as the person, after the abuse was going on for quite a while, is unable to recognize the damage of such relationship, as he/she already doubts his/her perception, and in many cases, may even face threats and etc.
Waiting for that follow up article!
As a temporary fix until GMP addresses the site issues preventing readers from accessing content, I am putting this post up on my blog here: http://tomaplomb.blogspot.com/2014/01/this-guy-makes-your-abuser-look-good.html.
All GMP content has been restored. The link above to my blog is now a redirect to the article above.
Hi Thomas
I was so looking forward to reading your article – but for some reason all I can see on the relevant GMP page is a list of comments. Can’t access it at all.
I tried emailing the link to myself but that didn’t work either, aaaaarrrrgggh! Could you please email it direct to me?
Thanks!
Mary,
It appears there may be a temporary glitch with the site. Please send me your email address to tom at tomaplomb dot com.
Thanks.
Tom
ONE First he yelled at the top of his lungs in my left ear while we were quietly sitting together watching television. Out of the blue, shocked my system and I burst into tears. He apologized laughing thinking it was a joke to wake me up to see if I was asleep instead of watching the movie with him. PLUS ONE He bit me on my left calf, moved up and bit me on my left hip and continued up and bit me on my left upper arm. I screamed and cried stop at the first bite trying to crawl… Read more »
Tobe, Thank you for sharing your story so vividly in the framework of one plus one, and for the helpful reference to WAVAV. Apologies from abusers – who then repeat the same behavior – are much more common than accountability and lasting change, though change is not impossible. Awareness, courage, strength, resolve, support, and a path to safety. These are what those who have suffered abuse need to survive and ultimately thrive.
“The girlfriend who pries her boyfriend away from family and friends…” Yup yup…I recognize all of those abusive behaviors…I was the one who was brainwashed and gradually pulled away from the people who mattered the most to me….it is frightening and insane to think how much an abuser wants to control one’s mind…. I have seen those same behaviors in people around me and I have become alarmed in a way that other more naïve people don’t…it is sickening to see it happen in other people’s intimate relationships….so gradual and insidious….I have seen what I thought were good people transform… Read more »
Lela, Control is a huge root issue in abuse and would bear exploring in another post, though I wouldn’t be the first to write about it. Also, the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome that you allude too is very common – both within the abusive relationship and outside. Nice one minute, mean the next. And nice to bosses, colleagues, the abused partner’s friends, anyone who could either make their life uncomfortable or empower the person they’re abusing.
That was my experience, and it made it terribly difficult to find support to leave, particularly from my church, which I ended up having to leave, too. He still has people convinced that I abandoned him for no reason, because he’s so “nice.”
Evelyn,
It’s mind-boggling, isn’t it, when the abusive behavior finally becomes so obvious to us, and no one else, particularly our friends, colleagues, and fellow parishioners or congregants sees it. We lament how the abuser has them all fooled, then remember he or she had us fooled at one point, too. The blindness of people we consider friends can easily destroy those friendships, which would otherwise be a source of support. That’s why it’s so important to speak out and make this stuff more obvious to everyone.
This is everything I’ve ever known.. Even though I’ve always known it to be wrong. To think, I’m bettering myself by going to school, to become a social worker in the domestic violence field, and yet I myself am stuck in just that.
Mari, Thank you for coming forward. You are making the point that for so long we know this kind of treatment but don’t know it as abuse. We call it everything else and anything but and continue to accept it and work with it, to excuse it and try to make the best of it. And when we realize what it is, when the veil is lifted, we are at first shocked and then, in a way, not shocked at all. I wish you the best with your situation.
Thank you Thomas! I survived every sentence said in this post. It took my sister to recognize that I was isolated and abused. I simply did not want to acknowledge. I feel ashamed of what he did, but vowed to never let him do that to my child. Will I succeed in keeping my kid safe – I don’t know- I can only hope to educate as my child grows up! But the worst part is – most of my extended family still thinks that he is demigod. My parents and immediate family know the truth and just their belief… Read more »
It so often takes an outside person who cares about us and has our best interests at heart to recognize what is happening and either encourage us to take action or in some cases even take that action for us. I am glad you are keeping your child safe – that is always the first priority. It is amazing how abusers get away with smelling like a rose when there is so much that stinks in the relationship. It sounds like you are doing well – keep on healing and thriving.
Thomas, good article.
Bruises heal quickly, mental damage takes longer to heal.
We are all capable of dishing out abuse, we have the power. We choose whether to use it, or not..
Abuse is also worst from an intimate partner as they know your secrets and fears, and can use them against you..
Thanks, Rob. The brain is protected inside the skull, but the psyche is remarkably vulnerable. And abuse does deliver a double-whammy when it comes from the person who is supposed to support us, protect us, and help us absorb the inevitable criticism from the world.
I wanted to share two quotes from the conversation taking place on Twitter about this piece. The first, “No, he never hit me. But this is exactly what the abuse in my marriage looked like.” The second, “You helped to name the most invisible, insidious forms of intimate abuse and showed the damage it can do.” I can only hope that the words I’ve shared here resonate for more people in the same way and unmask the abuse that so many experience in relationships.
Thank you for all the examples of abusive behavior contained in your article. Yes, it can be a challenge to identify these behaviors as abuse, and yet it’s true… they are.
Charlon, I’m glad you appreciate my bringing out the examples. The more closely we look, with greater awareness, the more we see.
Why in the heck can I suddenly not see any articles?
Christie,
It appears there was a problem with the GMP site, but it has now been fully resolved.
Tom