Woman want many things from men. But there’s one thing they need before they will let a guy in sexually.
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You know the old saying, men only want one thing? It’s true for women too …. While a man’s one thing is sex, for a woman, that one thing is … wait for it … security. Don’t get me wrong, please. I’m not saying that women need men to be secure! But in the context of a relationship, emotional security—feeling safe with her partner—is likely to be at the top of her list. In fact, many women in my practice will tell me that a prerequisite for sex is emotional safety within the relationship. If you understand that the number one emotional need women have in a relationship is the need to feel secure with you, you’ve just dramatically increased your chances for both a better relationship and better sex.
Often men are able to compartmentalize, so for men the need for emotional security as a prerequisite to sex isn’t always primary or even a big concern.
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We can acknowledge that there seems to be a disparity between what men and women need when it comes to sex. To quote the astute funnyman Billy Crystal, “Women need a reason for sex, men just need a place.” Often men are able to compartmentalize, so for men the need for emotional security as a prerequisite to sex isn’t always primary or even a big concern. This is why it’s important for men to understand the need for creating emotional security in their relationships as a foundation for establishing and maintaining good sex with their partners.
Somehow men typically believe that if they are simply good lovers, women will want more of them.
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Of course, we men have emotional needs as well. For men, the need to feel significant usually tops our list. It is my experience that a man gains a sense of importance, of feeling he matters, when a woman opens herself up to him sexually. In contrast, when a man feels sexually rejected he feels miserable and perhaps even on some level unworthy. It can be a vicious cycle … she doesn’t feel emotionally secure and rejects his advances for sex; he stops asking and withdraws emotionally, and adds to her lack of emotional security. Somehow men typically believe that if they are simply good lovers, women will want more of them. Right or wrong, sex for most men isn’t as much about achieving an orgasm (his or hers) as it is about ego gratification.
If she isn’t responding to you sexually, it may have to do more with a lack of trust than a lack of attraction.
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Yet for women sexual satisfaction isn’t all about performance, size, or stamina. A woman will more often be able to reach orgasm and feel sexually satisfied if she first feels emotionally secure. A large part of this is due to biology. At a primal level, since sex leads to pregnancy, a woman seeks security as a means of survival for herself and her child. Thousands of years ago, a woman would depend on a man to provide her physical needs, such as food and shelter, for her and her children’s survival. Today women can certainly take care of themselves, but the echoes of evolution remain, leaving women with the desire for emotional safety. Consequently, emotional safety and security are vital for a woman to feel emotionally connected to a man, so if she isn’t responding to you sexually, it may have to do more with a lack of trust than a lack of attraction.
How can men creating emotional security for women?
The good news is that guys don’t need to learn a new sexual position or find some elusive magical “G” spot to keep a woman interested in sex. Instead by focusing on providing emotional security, you likely will increase her sexual satisfaction. The best way to help her feel emotionally secure is to be this: be consistent. She needs to know and trust that “what she hears and sees will be what she consistently will get.” She might not always like what she hears and sees, but if you are consistent and reliable, then she’ll know she can trust you. Here are five key areas where you can practice consistency that will build emotional security.
- Be Consistent With Your Words: You can’t tell her you love her in a passionate moment and then call her a “bitch” when you’re angry and expect her to feel secure. Your words have power to cut her down or build her up. Consistently communicate to her that she is important, that she’s the only one, that you are not interested in anyone else, and that you love only her. Help her feel safe with your words by speaking kindness, love, and adoration even if you’re upset.
- Be Consistent With Your Listening: Communication goes both ways, but if she doesn’t feel heard, then she’s going to feel insecure. Listening without thinking about your retort is not only a skill but also an act of love. Likewise, to listen, really listen, to her without judgment and without defensiveness requires courage. As Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
- Be Consistent With Your Actions: Yes, words are important, but if your words and actions don’t line up, then you’re going to poison the trust. Trust is the foundation of security, and being inconsistent with your actions is lying through your conduct. Security is formed when you do what you say you’re going to do, be where you say you’re gong to be when you say you’re going to be there, and follow through with your promises. You can’t say you’ll be home at 6:00 and show up at 8:30 expecting her to want to jump into bed with you. Consistency with your actions also means that you don’t hide things from her. Don’t hide text messages, emails, or details about your day. Even if you think she will be mad at you, it’s better to have her upset than it is for her not to trust you.
- Be Consistent With Your Truth: Your truth is your virtues and values. If she sees you go back on your truth, you will break trust. If she sees you tell a white lie to your mother, she’ll expect that one day you’ll also lie to her. If she sees you being mean to the check-out clerk, she’ll wonder when that anger will one day be unleashed on her. Your truth is your word, your bond, and the essence of your values. Be constant with your truth, and she will see you as a foundation she can rely on.
- Be Consistent With Your Commitments: Even if your commitments impinge on her needs, she will respect you if you are constant with your commitments. For example, if you made a commitment to someone but it unknowingly conflicts with her needs, don’t change your plans. If you go against your commitments, she will likely lose respect for you. Sure, she’s not going to like it, but it will give her confidence that you can stand up to her and therefore also stand up for her. By standing up to her, she knows you will also be able to stand up to other women who might try to lure you away.
Building emotional security takes time and considerable effort. Focus on creating emotional security through consistency in your words, listening, actions, truth, and commitments and see if it doesn’t improve your relationships and the quality of your sex life.
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Originally published at www.tobetheman.com
Photo by Atikh Bana on Unsplash
Good article, only women also want a man to financially provide for her on top of the emotional support and protectiveness. Women do not see sex as an even exchange like modern men do. A woman needs a reason to be with a guy, and if those reasons aren’t fulfilled, yeah she may still sleep with him, but she feels used and unhappy and resentful. The sooner men understand this concept, the better their relationships with be. Men need to stop complaining that “women are manipulating them by withholding sex”. A woman doesn’t want to make love to a man… Read more »
When it comes to dating, also consider the parallels between emotional safety and physical safety. There’s a reason men aren’t too concerned about emotional safety when dating and early in relationships–they don’t have to worry about getting drugged, raped or killed. This is a real world possibility for every woman when she walks out the door to go on a date. If more men understood this, they would perhaps make more of a conscious effort to demonstrate first and foremost that her physical safety is not in jeopardy. That should be step one to acquiring sexual access to a woman,… Read more »
Marriage is stupid.
And then sometimes, when you have tried your best to do all these things, the flame will simply die. You can berate yourself or your partner looking for the reason. Or you can just trust that you have acted in good faith and move on. And then one day you find yourself in the arms of sone one who heals your body and spirit. And you just say that kind you to the universe that you escaped the desert and found a healer.
A message to Jules T. I have decided to leave GMP for good. You stood out as unique and I both admire and respect you. You are the only man I know that active seek knowledge and read up on the issues you struggle with. If I had magic powers I would make you unafraid of love. You do not have to trust a woman 100 percent before you dare open up and love her Jules. All it takes is to be emotional healthy enough to cope with what ever may happen. I leave this website now. Are the articles… Read more »
@ Silke,. Thanks for your wonderful contributions..I am going to really miss you. Already. I really would look forward to reading your comments. You always asked questions. I admire that in people. It means that are hungry for knowledge and above all else understanding. Your comments always made me pause and think. I have a deep admiration for you Silke. Yes, you are a romantic. Please hold on to your romantic spirit. “All it takes is to be emotional healthy enough to cope with what ever may happen.” I will get there. Because, I will never give up. Some things… Read more »
Hallo DJ 1. Do I feel that it’s possible to maintain sexual interest in a marriage. For a woman. Well possibly but it will require effort on the mans part. And from what I’ve seen of men in general I’m not too sure that’s likely to happen. Like the author says ‘a man will come home at 8:30 when he has said he’ll be home at 6 and expect sex’. I think sexual ecstasy is really only possible in non live in relationships so that a woman can enjoy the best of a man and then send him home so… Read more »
Kate T
Do you mean living apart together ?
We have a word for it Scamdinavia : særbo.
Here many live like that , also married couples . But it is expensive .
@ KateT, “I think sexual ecstasy is really only possible in non live in relationships so that a woman can enjoy the best of a man and then send him home so she doesn’t have to pick up his socks.” Sounds like Kathryn Hepburn’s view of men and women simply “taking to visiting one another from time to time.” I really appreciate your candor on this issue. I would much rather deal with a woman like yourself who is very clear on the rules and boundaries than so many women who resort to blaming husbands for their unhappiness. There are… Read more »
Women terminate marriages mostly …. Bloody oath. Marriage to a man is intolerable. It’s stifling and exhausting and boring.
You’re right. We are serial monogamists. I’m sure there’s women out there that are lucky to find one man exciting forever. Or think security is enough to squash their desires. The majority of us become miserable and restless. We seek the excitement of a new man and romance. A man who doesn’t become a domestic burden. Sex for women can be pretty boring – we need strong stimulation like a new man to motivate us.
I have yet to date a woman who really knows what she wants (she may say she does, but her actions inevitably demonstrate otherwise), so I’ve largely stopped worrying about it entirely. The security vs. stimulation war is always playing out within their heads and you’ll never know for sure which one is more important on a given day. I think men have the same issue to some degree, but we’re more likely to muddle through or just admit that we’d like to have sex with multiple partners.
At 70 and divorced for five years I completely relate to this! I am sick of being everybody’s maid. I see no reason you can’t enjoy a feel safe and comfortable relationship with really fun sex without having to be married. The role of “wife” sucks in America. It will turn your libido off faster than a light switch within 20 years. So many men here complain of their wife’s lack of interest in them sexually. I know this is a problem but I can’t help but think that it is caused by wives feeling like they are taken for… Read more »
Interesting, Kate (and I mean that).
Two questons that I hope that you can expand upon
1. do you feel that it is possible to maintain that level or excitement (sexually I mean) in a marriage? I have my own answer, but I’m interested to hear from someone with your insight.
2. Do you miss true intimacy with the type of relationships that you are having? Do you think its lacking, or do you believe that you don’t require such as sex alone is gratifying enough?
Grear sex for women …. Emotional security may be an aspect that is important when you first start having sex with a man …. You don’t want to be used after all and you want to feel significant. And, unfortunately men think they are the only ones to have a monopoly on ego. However after you’ve had sex with a man a few times security is no longer important. Women in marriages are some of the most sexually unhappy people out there. They’re bored. They no longer find their partners attractive. Husbands either become boring, overweight, lazy, disconnected and you… Read more »
@ KateT,
“That is the secret to great sex for women.”
Honestly, as a man, I truly think most women are primarily serial monogamists. Monogamy just seems to kill women’s libidos. This is exactly what you are saying very loudly and very clearly..
It just seems as if women need a steady stream of new lovers to keep them satisfied. It has nothing to do with settling. It has to do with novelty. That novelty is best satisfied with new lovers.
Kate T Is it the picture of the American married woman you give us here? Bored,…..no longer find the husband attractive….. And then you conclude that those women that tell they have a sexually fullfilling committed relationship , they simply lie? To think all women on this earth are identical sexually, emotionally, with the same personality, the same emotional needs , is simplistic. How many diagnoses do you find in the last DSM? Several hundreds I think. And yoyu say all women , the most healthy ones, the neurotic ones, the ones that struggle with severe emotional issues, all those… Read more »
KateT, have you looked into the hotwife lifestyle? I have no idea how it aligns with your worldview, and the term itself can be a little crude depending on context, but it basically means that you can have a stable life partner whom you love completely but also have the excitement and stimulation from others outside when you need it. You can then come home (or already be there) and have some security and stability. There is a significant demographic who find it very beneficial. A very common side effect is that your primary partner rapidly becomes less boring and… Read more »
Right again, Jules…and guilty as charged. I also suggested male stereotype, so I’ll clear that up. What I’ve seen is that men, more then women, can separate sex and love. There are guys out there looking for meaning, and there are guys out there (mostly young) rampaging for sex…and there are certainly guys that get hurt by women doing the same thing. This seems to be more about young men though. What I failed to state is that we can do both ( in my experience). We absolutely can do one night stands, but we can absolutely be totally vulnerable,… Read more »
@ Erin, Fair enough Erin… But, are you in turn willing to provide the healthy sex life to such a man? Yes, we all want what we want. But, are we willing to give as well? I think this author stereotypes male sexuality. It’s very offensive to men when he characterizes male sexuality as ego driven. We do have feelings. We do long for an emotional connection as well. We are not animals who just want to stick our cock in the next woman. This author also shows a very unsophisticated view of female sexuality as well. Many female sex… Read more »
Jules, I’m not a perfect person but I would do the best I could to create a healthy sex life for both of us. One of the best things about being in a relationship isn’t just about what you get from them, but it’s about discovering what your capable of giving. And while I certainly don’t think all men just want to stick their dick in the next available woman, I do think that for a lot of men, ego is a big part of the equation for men when it comes to sex. And yes, while I do agree… Read more »
I think this piece is a vast oversimplification of how women and men respond to sex. “This is why it’s important for men to understand the need for creating emotional security in their relationships as a foundation for establishing and maintaining good sex with their partners.” If this were in fact the case, then you would see a lot fewer sexless marriages. You would not see authors such as Ester Perel talking about how the “captivity” of marriage and LTRs dampens female sexuality. So, clearly is much deeper than what the author is stating. “For men, the need to feel… Read more »
Awesome article. I would love to be with a man that embodied these qualities and it certainly would make me feel safe.
There is sport sex, and there is love. There are women out there that see sex as a man does, and there are those (the vast and sweeping majority) that seek something deeper. If we group them altogether (all women are spring break girls), then we do ourselves an injustice, hamper our ability to learn and grow as men…and stagnate in a sort of adolescent bubble as we go through life. we become no different then, say, the radical feminist that sees all men as basically evil (and have to overcome their natural evil intent), and all sex as a… Read more »
Well, first to the immediate question. If a guy is achieving orgasm as a function of ego gratification, he’s doing it wrong. That is what dysfunctional men do…which is why a therapist may draw such a conclusion. Not too many well men in their office, right? For us well men, it is more the icing on the cake, after you’ve rolled her eyes back in her head and she’s achieved 2 to 4 orgasms….because like the act of love, one cares more about the other then they do themselves. Now, with men’s issues, I tend to be a bit tentative,… Read more »
@ Silke,
Hi Silke,
“I never think thought I would hear a man say that :).”
Do you agree with Mr. Chapman when he says for men sex is about ego gratification?
Jules It is a pity you do not understand Norwegian. I could write a very long comment to your question in my own language but in English it is too complicated.. But let me make it short: No I do not think all men are narcissts, that use others sexually or emotionally. Some do, and the same can be said about women. Still I confess i do not always understand men,when I hear they talk about sex. There are so many things about men sexually that I do not understand. And of course I know there are many different kinds… Read more »
@ Silke, It is a pity for me, indeed. I have a high tech solution. Write a reply in Norwegian. I can use Google Translate! Lol!!! I always love to hear your thoughts.. Being that Norway is a much more advanced and open society I would have thought the sexes understand one another very well. I think what sex means to a man varies. I love sex. However, I have never been a man to pursue sex only. I have never hounded a woman for sex, even my ex wife. While I really enjoy it ever so, it is part… Read more »
. Chuck
“Right or wrong, sex for most men isn’t as much about achieving an orgasm (his or hers) as it is about ego gratification. – ”
I never think thought I would hear a man say that :).
Somebody hasn’t been to spring break in a while ( that hits right next to bike Week ) the sex is free, stupid and easy; not one iota of prattle about security. Quickest caveman pick up I have ever seen, one of my biking brothers pulled a girl by the wrist, pointed to his bike and said “be there in 5 minutes” ……and she was.
“In fact, many women in my practice will tell me that a prerequisite for sex is emotional safety within the relationship.”
And what do women tell you their prerequisite is for sex outside of a relationship?
When you say “in the context of a relationship” how are these women defining a relationship? How are you defining a relationship? Is it casual, serious, LTR, short-term…What specifically are we talking here.
What I have discovered is that for most women sex is based largely on time and context. Hence, I am unconvinced of your assertion regarding “emotional security.”