Not all of them, but 88%—along with 55% of women. And that’s OK.
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As a woman working in the divorce arena, I am privy to lots of direct information on the private feelings of spouses as they relate to porn usage by one or the other. Several female clients have come to me, I believe expecting that as a woman myself I will take their side, to share that their husband has most certainly wandered into the desolate path known as sex addiction. I ask why they believe so, and the answer is the same each time — they found him watching porn.
That has always struck me as at least a bit of a stretch. I happen to enjoy watching a bit of porn myself from time to time, and I know plenty of healthy, successful and un-stymied-by-porn-watching men and women who do as well. If that weren’t enough to convince you (really?!?), the American Psychiatric Association (APA) made a decision not to recognize sex addiction in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition: DSM-V.
I happen to enjoy watching a bit of porn myself from time to time, and I know plenty of healthy, successful and un-stymied-by-porn-watching men and women who do as well.
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Maybe my friends and I aren’t a large enough sample to determine that watching porn is harmless. There are plenty who could argue that the APA is made up of human beings who are capable of making mistakes or intentionally choosing to exclude ideas with which they do not agree. And yes, just because a disorder has not yet been formally accepted does not mean it may not actually exist.
But then, less than two weeks ago, Dr. David J. Ley published an article in Psychology Today titled “Your Belief in Porn Addiction Makes Things Worse.” Ley, a clinical psychologist, reviewed recent data collected by Joshua Grubbs at Case Western over the course of not only one study, but also follow-up research that further validated the initial findings.
Ley’s summary stated the following conclusions:
- Seeing oneself as a porn addict was predicted not by how much porn one views but by personal religiosity and moral attitude towards sex.
- Daily porn viewing is only “weakly related to feelings of anger.”
- Self-labeling as a porn addict is “strongly correlated to depression, anxiety, anger and stress.”
- Actual quantity/time of porn viewing has “no reliable relationship to emotional issues.”
I am not one to judge others and I ask not to be judged in return, but I am well aware of human nature and that no matter how good our intentions, most people will in fact, spend a good amount of their day coming to moral conclusions about things they read, see and hear.
However, Ley made the following statement, which surfaces a powerful distinction that I believe trumps the subjective judging we may individually practice amongst our friends on social media and over coffee talk.
“The evidence is strong that proponents of porn addiction treatment are actually causing psychological suffering. People who listen to them, and who fall into believing that porn is addictive, actually get worse. Medicine is supposed to help people – ‘first do no harm.’”
Whether or not sex addiction should or should not qualify as an acknowledged mental health issue, the usage of that term is harming people, not helping them.
“The evidence is strong that proponents of porn addiction treatment are actually causing psychological suffering. People who listen to them, and who fall into believing that porn is addictive, actually get worse. Medicine is supposed to help people – ‘first do no harm.’”
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Combining the data above with my experience working with real couples struggling through issues of infidelity, addiction, broken trust, financial crisis and more, my firm belief is that the real reason porn is labeled unhealthy is that porn is actually scary.
It scares us to think our partner may leave us for someone who looks or acts like a “porn star.” It scares us to think that that our partner may choose to watch porn because we are not “good enough” for them in bed, let alone anywhere else. It scares us to think that if our partner watches that, he or she may want us to try that.
Never mind that there is zero empirical data telling us we do have these issues to be afraid of. The reason behind these fears comes down to one overriding issue: shame.
Society tells us that all porn is degrading and has no redeeming value. Our parents teach us, rightfully, to respect the privacy of our bodies. We are repeatedly commanded to only share ourselves sexually in a committed relationship, even if all parties involved really and truly would prefer not to be in one of those now, or even ever.
Those numbers seem large enough to me to normalize porn viewing, as well as to make the notion of porn as a cause of sex addiction a non-starter.
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What changed my own once conflicted feelings about porn was when I came across a study by psychologists Stephen Hamann and Kim Wallen of Emory University, which found that fMRI scans show “significantly higher levels of activation in the amygdala, which controls emotion and motivation, in the brains of the male subjects compared to the females, despite the fact that both males and females (self-reported) similar… levels of arousal after viewing the images.”
In plain English, men don’t watch porn because they are sex addicts. Men watch porn because they are genetically wired to do so.
And guess what? Women kinda like it too.
While discussing Ley’s article with some other writers here at GMP, I decided to break down the numbers from Grubb’s research a bit more. What I extrapolated from the data provided is that not only do 88% of men regularly watch porn but so do 55% of women, for a total of approximately 30% of the general population. Those numbers seem large enough to me to normalize porn viewing, as well as to make the notion of porn as a cause of sex addiction a non-starter.
No one should watch or do anything that makes them uncomfortable, and if porn isn’t for you, by all means, please abstain.
If you do choose to watch, stay tuned tomorrow for my suggested ways in which porn can actually enhance relationships and self-esteem.
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Photo: Courtesy of the author.
“Whether or not sex addiction should or should not qualify as an acknowledged mental health issue, the usage of that term is harming people, not helping them.” For years I had an issue with porn viewing and compulsive sex yet I dismissed it or called it other things. When I started reading about sex and porn addiction I related. It was only then I decided to do something about it and stopped watching porn. That was more than 5 years ago. The usage of the term not only it did not harm me but it helped me realise that I… Read more »
“Men watch porn because they are genetically wired to do so.” THIS COMING FROM A WOMAN. The irony. I’m a man. Porn does nothing for me. Where did the genetic wiring go? Please, please, just do not use ‘genetics’ to argue about a very complex subject, namely human brains. It is far more likely that social conditioning explains behavioural differences, rather than some obscure genetic reason. It is NOT TRUE that men are genetically more inclined to sex, because it makes just as much sense for a women to be promiscuous (may the best seed win.) The reason 88% of… Read more »
Porn is a lightning rod subject. Don’t like it don’t look at it. This post Do You Believe In Healthy Porn? 18 Reasons Why Men Love It and [Many] Women Hate It – http://theoffparent.com/healthy-porn-18-reasons-why-men-love-it-and-many-women-hate-it/ was my take on the subject. I applaud Arianna and GMP for attempting to shed light on porn from a woman’s point of view. Just like anything else, this issue can be used a spiritual or political battering ram.
I am not surprised or shocked by what the author is saying. OK lots of people watch porn and not all of them are addicted. Big deal. The moral issue here is not about enjoying fantasy or visual stimuli. The moral issue isn’t about sex being bad. The moral issue is about millions of people watching sexual acts (many of them violent) without any guarantee that these acts are consensual. In a world still dominated by economic, social and gender inequality it is a moral imperative to question where your sexual stimuli are generated, in the same way you would… Read more »
Maybe 8 years ago, I started talking to several men who were victims of sexual abuse by women. A few years later I started talking about how the then current narrative (women as victim / men as perpetrator) was hurting male victims. It was refreshing to see the conversation start to change especially when RAINN revised their position on rape culture and rape prevention efforts. It might interest you to know that I’ve been involved with many conversations about porn here and elsewhere. I had come to the same conclusion you have. Porn is addictive, but like alcohol, you have… Read more »
Religion aside- I am a relationship coach and many of the people I work with have partners who engage in watching porn. Unless the couple watches it together or has made an agreement between themselves that watching porn alone is okay, then typically, watching porn inside of a relationship only leads to feelings of betrayal, not to mention the frustration of the person whose partner isn’t there for them because they’re getting their own sexual urges satisfied through watching porn and masturbating. Just as it was suggested that all the written material saying watching porn is bad MAKES it bad,… Read more »
@ Kim,
Thank you for such an informed and reasoned comment.
Personally, I am anti porn. If you are married or in a relationship, I feel it has no place whatsoever.
Just my opinion…
Great article. I see a lot of fight back on the idea of porn not being addictive. I also notice many of the people against porn also speak from a position influenced by puritan religious beliefs. Many also probably suffer confirmation bias if they are speaking to a lot of other people who’ve had issues with their porn use, that coupled with some junk science to try validate the idea of porn addiction being real ….can cause actual harm by that negative belief. A doctor on tv recently spoke on the issue of windmill sickness, people were legitimately sick but… Read more »
Excellent point Archy! I’ll have to look that one up.
Thank you!
You also might want to look into gay to straight conversion therapy. It’s not being gay that is the problem. It’s the “therapy” to try to make someone what they aren’t that is harmful. Ironically, that seems to be rooted in religious beliefs as well.
ABSTRACT The addiction model is rarely used to describe high frequency use of Visual Sexual Stimulus (VSS) in research, yet it is commonly used in media and clinical practice. The theory and research behind “pornography addiction” is hindered by poor experimental designs, limited methodological rigor, and lack of model specification. The history and limitations of addiction models are reviewed, including how VSS fail to meet standards of addiction. These include how VSS use can reduce health risk behaviors. Proposed negative effects, including erectile problems, difficulty regulating sexual feelings, and neuroadaptations are discussed as non-pathological evidence of learning. Individuals reporting “addictive”… Read more »
So this one guy’s study invalidates the myriad other studies that all show that porn use rewires the brain inhibiting feelings of intimacy and connection with a real person, reduces sexual performance, and causes psychological harm to the users partner? Fascinating. Porn is harmful. Period.
Fight The New Drug
https://www.facebook.com/fightthenewdrug/posts/10153681873571756:0
Yes our divorce coach tell us so !
Let me be nasty.
She makes a living out of people getting divorced.
Eric, sorry, but Fight The New Drug is an organization run by a group of entrepreneurial alumni from Brigham Young University, none of whom have a background in mental health. The closest they have is an advisor whose entire career has also been spent at BYU, although they try to hide that fact on their website. They do an excellent job. If I was going to hire a team to build me a beautiful and convincing e-commerce website I would certain include them among those I would want to interview! They are absolutely brilliant! I understand that the Mormon church… Read more »
Arianna Porn had an effect on my husband , and am sure it would also change me if I stared to use it. If you think the only reasons people refrain from using porn is religion or shame then you are wrong! Porn DISSOCIATE love and sex. I do not see that as a good or pleasurable .I want to be whole and be able to love men ,so I stay away from porn . It is not because I fear that it is addictive,not at all. I see that you see my as childish on your next article .… Read more »
I think you present ‘Fight the new drug’ from your own angle. That’s ok but it bothers me that you omitted the fact that they are a non-profit organization. In order to have some balance and not a one side argument on what ‘Fight the new drug’ is about, I think readers should check the FAQ section on their site. They are non-profit, they are pro-healthy sex. http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/faq/ In regards to not being mental health professionals, do you need to be one to quote countless research papers and studies by mental health professionals that state that porn might be harmful?… Read more »
I’m also surprised to find this article here.
I’m sorry, but I have lived with a porn addict and let me tell you, it was NOT ok. It was far from ok.
When did we start rationalising porn? I don’t care about any kind of research that tells me that it is ok considering all the consequences that can come with porn.
Porn is not about stimulation. I believe, it goes way deeper ….yearning for love, feeling wanted and accepted.
Yah who cares if the “science” says we are wrong… what about MY feelings on the subject right?
I’ll just quote myself here one last time. In the article above I wrote “No one should watch or do anything that makes them uncomfortable, and if porn isn’t for you, by all means, please abstain.”
If porn bothers you, don’t watch it. It is zero concern of mine if anyone else wants to watch porn or not.
You not wanting to watch it, though, does not give you permission to assign labels to anyone else.
@ Arianna Your articles are so dismissive of the partners feelings on porn use. Why should I feel okay that my fiance loves his blonde barbie lesbian porn when I am the physically nothing like that? How should I just get over the face that every time I see it I am just reminded I am not what he really wants? Why should I just be okay with him jacking off to his ideal less than an hour after we had sex? Just because you do not understand other people’s feelings on porn does not mean you need to be… Read more »
Arianna
You tell us that your conflicting feelings about porn vanished when you read about how men react to porn differently from women.
I do not understand your reasoning here.
So after looking at pictures of men’s brain while watching porn then all negative sides of the porn industry ,trafficking and other ugly facts just did not mean anything any longer?
And please do not try to analyse why those of us that live without using porn make that choice because you have NO idea and your guessing is not even close .
OK, silke, you got me. I’ll tell you the truth. My feelings about porn were really never all that conflicted. I don’t have a problem with it and never have. That said, I don’t dismiss other people’s idea out of hand, so it wasn’t until I had read sound research that I felt no hesitation to write about the phenomenon I was observing among the population with whom I work. I don’t believe I tried to analyze people who choose to live without porn. What I said was, “No one should watch or do anything that makes them uncomfortable, and… Read more »
“What changed my own once conflicted feelings about porn was when I came across a study by psychologists Stephen Hamann …” – Arianna “OK, silke, you got me. I’ll tell you the truth. My feelings about porn were really never all that conflicted. I don’t have a problem with it and never have.” – Arianna Arianna – this is really super wrong. You either need to change this portion of your article or you need to put a disclaimer up top that you lied in an attempt to make your own position stronger. I find this just so disengenous and… Read more »
I’m not okay with this. As an audience member, I feel manipulated. As a writer, I feel disgusted. Thanks for noting this discrepancy, Erin.
Truly, I hope this entire article is meant tongue in cheek. It would be a safe assumption that those who frequently engage in porn are by associative conditioning training themselves for 2D stimulus, perhaps even prefer it over real life…it’s hard for me to fathom this as a healthy outlet, and to justify it. Women are coming to you because it when their husbands engage in this it makes them feel disgarded, or inadequate physically. Men deserve respect, even with this porn epidemic, women should still give them respect, but to enable this sexual escapism will be more detrimental than… Read more »
This is probably the most irresponsible article I have seen on this good website. I have experienced what it is to be out of control with porn and sex addiction, and I have friends who are the same. The symptoms, feelings and resulting behaviours are directly correlated to that of other addictions such alcoholism and substance addiction. People like Patrick Carnes and John Bradshaw have for years been talking about the realities of sex addiction. As well as that, I have personally spoken to people who used to work in the porn industry who see what really goes on behind… Read more »
Mitch
I also was surprised to see this article .
And among many of the things I read here I wonder if it is true that 55% of women REGULARLY uses porn.
Is this the female population in the U.S.?
Who are they?
Hi Mitch, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and questions. If you look back, you will see that my argument is not whether or not a porn or sex addiction can be “real.” What I am stating is that there is new scientific evidence which clearly shows that porn itself is not the cause of such addictions if they do exist. I included links to the original articles above and hope you will check them out when you can. Have you ever had a glass of wine with dinner? Alcoholism exists, but the intake of alcohol by people without underlying… Read more »
Is anyone being defiled or degraded to create a lovely glass of wine? Does the creation of wine capitalize on emotionally broken and insecure people? Is there any sacrifice of human dignity in the wine making process? Is there any risk of exchanging lifelong STDs during the processing of wine? Does drinking a glass of wine require someone to objectify another person, or in any way impinge their ability to relate to the innermost parts of another person? Does drinking a glass of wine make one’s spouse appear less attractive (as porn has been scientifically proven to do)? Is the… Read more »
“People like Patrick Carnes and John Bradshaw have for years been talking about the realities of sex addiction.”
And people like Sylvester Graham or John Harvey Kellogg have told us for years that “self abuse” (aka masturbation} leads to insanity.
This porn addiction is just more of the same.
Yes. Exactly!
There was a recent study where peoples belief they were addicted to porn actually caused the distress, not the porn itself. Another study says “In the largest neuroscience study of porn addiction to date, research conducted at UCLA found a clear reversal of the brain’s typical addiction response in study participants when they were shown sexual images. With the use of brain wave monitoring, participants who reported major problems controlling their viewing of sex films showed decreased brain reactions when shown the sexual images, rather than heightened activity as having a “porn addiction” would suggest. The study shows that the… Read more »
There is so much fear and anger over porn that I am kind of shocked to see this here.
The headline of “breaking news” that guys watch porn being a screamer aside, thank you for an article that really is packed with information. I’ve read recent articles disputing that addiction to porn actually exists, but that it’s presented here as a choice of being addicted is interesting. I wish there were further finds, however, relating to the correlation of anger and watching porn. That’s a truly interesting concept. I’m posting this one on my main blogs, properly attributed of course.
Thank you so much, Christopher. The title was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. I feel that it has become far too common to see alarmist articles linking to porn viewing to serious mental health dysfunction and want to surface what I see as the absurdity of it all. My understanding from Dr. Ley’s article (which you can access by clicking on the link within this article) is that the correlation between anger and watching porn is weak at best, but I would certainly be interested to look into that more as well. I truly appreciate the share on your blog and… Read more »