Torsten Klaus asks whether you can truly be yourself in your relationship.
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I once thought that my partner had to be all those things I wanted her to be (and that I longed to be). That made me over-critical and unhappy, not because she could not fulfil my need of wholeness through her, but because I was failing at being all those things I wanted to be. Or how I thought I should be. A fun-loving, intellectual dad who is loved by everyone and earns loads of money…well, this is a superficial description. Under the surface I wanted to be confident and not afraid to be myself… Yes, so, really I wanted people to like me even if I wasn’t confident all the time. I was in a state where I thought I needed other people’s approval or appreciation.
Now I understand that I don’t need her to make me happy, neither do I have that duty towards her.
I need to find a setup of my life that makes me satisfied and happy. I need time for myself and for nurturing our relationship as well as for spending time with my children. In today’s world many struggle to bring all of these, in my mind essentials, together. Achieving a good work-life balance is very difficult in a traditional work setting.
One thing is clear from studies and books about the topic, that when men and women share responsibilities they have far happier relationships and enjoy a closer connection.
IN BRIEF:
A close connection and intimacy needs:
• Partners who are honest in their communication with each other
• Partners who are happy in themselves and with the life they are leading
• Partners who feel supported and loved
What would you add here?
I certainly notice that the happier I am, which I usually am when I can just be myself, when I have time to do the things I love, when I am not restricted by anyone or around people I feel uneasy with, when I have support with my responsibilities, then I find my wife the most attractive. Self-love is essential. Everyone needs to make time for it, when they want their relationships to thrive. So, do what nourishes you, it can be hard with the kids around, but create little islands of time, it will be worth it!
Honest talks
It takes time and deep connection to be open about sexual wishes and desires. It’s hard to take courage and be open, to get out those long hidden truths that you don’t want to look at. In order to be who you are. Without that there can’t be any intimate connection!
But isn’t that what we crave for? And once we have that, then showing who you are, talking about what kind of sex life you want is just the next step.
Still, being parents — juggling work, family and household isn’t easy, in fact it’s exhausting and tiring and no one is to blame when libido wanes in those circumstances. It’s the high stress levels many parents experience that kill it!
Don’t expect a perfect relationship and sex life; instead work on it so it becomes as perfect as you want it. Talk, share, laugh… you probably end up finding that really you both want the same things, that you just didn’t dare to share before, because….yes, why actually?
(Because you didn’t want to admit them to yourself, because you feared your partner would be appalled? But hey, isn’t this about loving you with all your quirks and demanding your partner to accept you for who you are? After all you are not going to make him/her to something they don’t want, but merely sharing who you are, which, surprise, has the potential to make you even closer and happier together!)
Some thoughts on shame
First of all, it’s normal to feel ashamed, we all feel it! Meryn Callander writes that we are trying to avoid the painful experience of shame and so try to fight it or flee, freeze or appease. “At the core of shame is our fear that we are unworthy of being cared for; we are unworthy of connection” (Callander).
I hope you know that you are wonderful and unique as you are and that shame stems mostly from our childhood. Have you heard the words “you should be ashamed of yourself!” as a child? When we are lacking the feeling of being loved unconditionally, we are bound to feel shame. In your upbringing (or even adult life), how often have you been asked to or made to be someone you are not? I wish we would all be accepted for who we are, so that feelings of shame would be obsolete.
PS: At the moment I’m running the campaign ‘Awesome Workshops for Awesome Dads’ on Indiegogo. My aim is to raise funds, in order to invite dads (who are on low or no income) to awesome workshops. It’s all about the right tools for fatherhood: empathy, creativity, bonding, communication and love. Every single Pound, Dollar, Euro, Chocolate bar or Raisin counts. Share,
Love, Give. Thank you!
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Photo credit:Ed Yourdon/flickr
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