Nico Hulverson shares his thoughts about what it’s like to be a straight, Christian teen male in the 21st Century.
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Answers below are a response to What Does it Mean to Be a Teen Guy in the 21st Century?
What assumptions do adults make about teen males?
Most people think we are cold hearted, hormone crazed, angry, non-understanding, sex craving machines. Most of us aren’t. I have emotions, I can’t even show my emotions because that’s “gay”, and not very “manly”. I am only angry if you make me angry. That means I’m only angry after you have pushed every button on my console. Warning! If I hit you or explode on you, its probably because you have crossed the line. I understand people and situation very well. If you take some time to get to know me you would realize this. Now Sex. As much as I want to have it right now, I also want to wait. I still have my virginity and will probably keep it until I meet my wife. I want it to be special. YES! Guys want it to be special to!
Q: What are the pressures in your life?
A: There are a ton of pressures today. Everyone expects me to be a top athlete with, a hot girl friend and a ton of friends. I play sports but I have never been the best. I have never had a girlfriend. Let alone kissed a girl. To be honest girls should be the last thing on our minds. Most of us are not ready. I have a ton of friends but that has been easy for me but it is not always easy.
Q: What do adults need to understand about your life?
A: We are young. If we are wrong tell us! When I see men from older generations who are responsible and know what they are doing, then look at all the dumb choices my generation including me are making I can’t help but think, What happened? As an 18 year old guy this is my only conclusion, our parents have gone soft. When our parents sit here and tell us that we wouldn’t get away with half the stuff that we do today I can’t help but think THEN WHY DO YOU LET US? My parents are not as soft on us as some are but I probably wouldn’t have mind if they were harder on me. Also we do notice women, girls, chicks, babes, what every it is you call them, all though they are women. Please talk to me about sex. I don’t want to learn about from porn, but that is what its come to. Most of our parents don’t have that talk with us anymore.
Q: What do you need from your parents, teachers, coaches , etc?
A: BE A ROLE MODEL!!! We are just like girls. We need good role models. I wish that I had a decent role model through my whole life. Now I look up to my dad but he still isn’t the best. I want to see men that give every aspect of their life every ounce of energy they can, and when they are out? They give it more! I want to see men and women fight for what they believe in again. I want to see men that give relationships their all. Not men that are just trying to hit it and quit it. I want to see fathers and mothers getting involved with their kids. I want parents that are all work and no play. Teachers, and Coaches, please be worried about me! If you think I am going through a rough spot please ask. We may come across as angry at first, but you could save me from doing something stupid, or show me that people outside my family still care about what happens to me.
Q: What are your thoughts about “hooking up?”
A: This question confuses me. It depends on what you mean by hooking up. If you mean trying to get some action, NO! Stuff like that makes men nothing. It makes us dirt. It is so wrong to look at a girl and say “I’m going to get with that.” Women are so more then just “meatbags for sex”. I have many friends that are girls, and it bugs me when I see a guy come into their life and try to get with them purely so they can get some action. Women should be treated like queens just like the stories tell us. That goes for guys to. We deserve to be treated like Kings… if we are treating you right. If not DUMB US!!!
Q: What are your thoughts on the friend zone?
A: Ah. The dreaded friend zone. First off we should never see a girl and think I want more then friendship with her, first. I believe that we should always try to be friends with a girl first. Get to know her, what makes her tick, what does she believe, what are our similarities, etc. After you have gotten to know these things, then think about having a relationship with her. Personally if you can’t see yourself marrying her then don’t date her. That’s all dating is right? Trying to find “the one” if you can do that as a friend, then nobody gets hurt. GIRLS: Not all guys want to date you when they start talking to you. However if you sit there and say “How come I can’t find any good guys?” Try looking in your “friend zone”, chances are there is some guy there that has developed feelings for you and will treat you like a queen. GIVE HIM A CHANCE! Whats the worst that happens? You go out on a date and think “I don’t think I could date him”. Ok so you gave it a try. Tell him you don’t think you could be together. Chances are he was just happy he got to spend time with you, and now he knows how you feel, and he will more then likely move on.
HOWEVER if you say “I can’t be with him because…” and start listing physical flaws, then ma’am you go right back to those d-bags you were dating before because you do not deserve him. GUYS!: As I repeat myself again. Women are not objects of conquest. If she says she doesn’t want to date you respect her choice. If you leave because she wont date you, you don’t deserve her! This situation works both ways. If she says she doesn’t want to date you stay her friends. One of the girls that said she didn’t want to date me is now my best friend.
Q: How do you handle rejection or someone hurting your feelings?
A: The same way every one else does. I don’t like it. I get angry. How are we told to handle it? Go tell an adult, just ignore it. NEWSFLASH! That doesn’t work. The first one just gets you picked on more, and the second one just doesn’t work. That does not mean we should be allowed to go out and deck kids that picked on us, sometimes though its the only way. However the penalty to what the kid did should be steeper. With rejection, I don’t like it. I am a people person so it hurts when people don’t like it. The only thing I can do is move on though.
Q: What makes you angry?
A: The same things that make other people angry. Getting picked on, social injustices, people hurting people. That type of stuff.
Q: What are you scared of?
A: Lions, tigers, spiders, snakes.That stuff I can fight through though. Disappointing people, not being able to help people. Stuff that I should be able to do but for some reason I can’t. I hate to let people down, and feel that it will cause people to lose faith in me.
Q: When is the “guy code” unfair?
A: I actually haven’t had an encounter in which the “guy code” has been unfair to me. However I can imagine that 2 specific rules are unfair sometime. 1) You can’t date a friends ex. I dis-agree with this rule because what if you knew a girl before a friend but he asked her out first. He dates her for a couple months, and then decides to break-up with her. Now under that rule you can’t date her, but you still have feelings for her and want to. Rule number 2) You can’t date your friend’s sister. Sometimes they are the nicest girls. You have hung out with her for years, she is practically one of you, she is not dating anyone and you wish you could date her but under this rule you can’t.
Q: Have you ever been discriminated against?
A: I have been discriminated against. I have always been fatter then the rest of the kids in my grade. In elementary school this meant that I was always picked last in sports and no one liked me. Once we got up to dating age this meant I was a nasty disgusting mess (thats a quote) and never had a date to anything.
Q: How are teen guys portrayed in the media?
A: Teen guys are portrayed in a number of ways. 1) Tall, dark, and athletic. 2) Tall, handsome, smarter then the rest of us. Both of these reinforce that you have to be good looking physically to achieve anything. I always wonder why the hero isn’t like me. Why cant he be short, fat, physically unattractive, but have a heart of gold? Why can’t I be a hero? because in today’s society I don’t fit in. So I must conform and become like the men in media to get anywhere in life.
Photo: Janels Katlaps/Flickr
I am and always have been very proud you, your Dad deals the best and only way he can…not having had a lot of resources to draw from himself, I say he has done the best job to the best of his ability.
Love you!!
[quote]Now I look up to my dad but he still isn’t the best. I want to see men that give every aspect of their life every ounce of energy they can, and when they are out? They give it more![/quote] Overall a good post, but this bit bothers me. It’s just not realistic, for a lot of reasons. In the first place, if you’re out of energy, there’s nothing left to draw from. This isn’t a matter of “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. That’s something else entirely. Rather, it’s an issue of recognizing our limits. We… Read more »
Hey Shane, first thanks for taking the time to read this and give me feed back. I really appreciate it. What I meant by the first part is I want to see people never give up. I feel like giving up has become a common thing in today’s society. You are right though, sometime I have un-realistic expectations of my parents. Also what I meant by my comment “I want parents that are all work and no play” is I want parents who are parents first then friends. I probably should have said that when I wrote this. My step-mom… Read more »
Way to go Nico………..hopefully some boys/young men – girls/young will women will read this
Nico,
What you saw as errors, I dismissed because I appreciate your transparency and honesty. This post is something that speaks to parents of boys and teens who may not be able to say what they really feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I look forward to more posts from you in the future.
Thanks Marie. I would call you formally but I don’t know what to use. Lol. I was glad to share my thoughts. Thanks you for giving me the opportunity to do so. Its really to you that the thanks needs to be given, you could of dismissed my answers. I would be happy to post more in the future if you need me to. Thanks again!
How I enjoyed reading your piece, Nico! You are wise, mature and level-headed beyond your years. You obviously have awesome parents and you must be grateful to them for raising such an amazing lad, but regardless of your good upbringing, I think your character is inbred. I love your faith in God, your strong sense of self, your values, your ambitions in love and life, your personal boundaries, your self-respect and respect for others. You have placed your thoughts and your beliefs on paper, for many to see, which is good.. You have strong convictions and a truck-load of guts.… Read more »
Wow! Thanks! You are right. I am very grateful for everything my parents did for me and are still doing for me. Also I’ll check that program out. Although I am not much of an adventurer I have gone on a few in the past.
Keep writing! 🙂
Lol. Sorry but as of right now I don’t plan on writing more. I am a full time student right now so it would be hard. I’m not saying I wont though. If the website asks for my opinions again sometime I would be glad to give them.
Nico, I really appreciated your article! I think this article was valuable on many levels. 1. As a parent, I constantly question if we are doing a good job raising our kids. Your article helped me feel like there was hope : ), 2. My teen son and I have had several of these conversations, and it’s amazing how similar his answers were to yours. It will reinforce to my son that he is not the only one that thinks this way, and 3. I will also use this as a discussion tool to talk to my teen daughter about… Read more »
Thanks Michelle! Its nice to see parents reading my article! I’ll be honest I was not aware it would be its own article and that people would even take notice of it when I found out it would be. Also PLEASE DO! Let your son no he doesn’t stand alone! It will take time for him to find others like him but he will… I did. Also I am humbled that you would use my article as a discussion tool for you and your daughter. I would never have thought about parents doing that when I wrote this.
Ah I made so many grammar mistakes!!!
Aw hon… What you did was give me an article I can share with my 13yo son, who is struggling with many of the things you mentioned- a lack of mentorship in his life, a newly-single Mom who doesn’t know how to be the bad guy often enough, and a peer group that expects unrealistic achievements and assets from him. Were there grammar gaffes? Sure, here and there. I’m a freelance writer by trade, so I notice stuff like that, but I didn’t see any major glaring errors that jolted me out of reading. It reads as conversational, approachable, which… Read more »
Thanks Mary! If I can give advice about your son. Do your best. As long as you do he will love and appreciate you. When my family split my mom did what she could for us and I appreciate all of it.