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Are there some circumstances where we should accept bigotry?
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First of all, I want to make one thing clear. What happened last weekend was Not My Fault.
It was not my idea that, in honour of LGBTI Mardi Gras, the five of us should all wear our gayest t-shirts to brunch. (Me: ‘What is a gay t-shirt exactly?’ Lauchlan: ‘Just wear what you normally wear.’).
It was not my idea that, for once, we should follow the swell-charts and drive down to Maroubra for a surf.
It was definitely not my idea to trawl the streets of this still-rough-at-the-edges neighbourhood looking for a cafe with a fair-trade organic soy chai latte which Michael was willing to drink.
I didn’t hear the remark that started the trouble. We’d all chucked our boards into the back of my car (Andrew: ‘How come it’s my friends without kids who’ve got the biggest cars?’ Tom: ‘We’re the only ones who can afford them’) and were walking along one of the quieter roads that head away from the beach. I was up ahead telling Michael about how busy I am with cover-designers and editors and proof-readers and all the rigmarole of getting a book out, when we passed five teenage girls, hovering on the back on a grafittied bench.
These were not the kind of girls you smile at whilst squealing ‘Happy Mardi Gras!’
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I did notice one of the girls staring at Michael’s sleeveless pink lycra, like she’d never heard of eighties kitsch, but I thought nothing of it. These were not the kind of girls you smile at whilst squealing ‘Happy Mardi Gras!’. They were smoking like they’d invented it, spitting the bad taste through the slats of the bench beneath them, and passing a bottle. The girl I’d noticed had her hair pulled back tight in what Londoners call a Croydon Facelift.
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Anyway, Michael and I walk on past—me wanging on about how excited I am about the book coming out—when we both hear raised voices behind us. Turning, we see Andrew—resplendent in a gold and silver muscle-shirt—talking to one of the teenage girls. She’s the biggest of the four, heightwise at least, and as Michael and I watch she stands and shouts ‘Fackoff willya?’ into Andrew’s face. Tom, in an Olivia Newton-John top which must be restricting his breathing, has until now been standing behind Andrew, steps forward with a finger raised in warning.
‘You need to learn some manners young lady’ he says. ‘You girls picked the wrong day of the year to be homophobic.’
‘Really?’ I want to say. ‘Down here, on their street? I think they’ll get away with it just fine.’ But I don’t say it, I just turn away again, hoping to encourage the others to follow.
If you grow up different, you learn reacting to catcalls or whistles has a time and a place.
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Unfortunately for them however, and I mean that sentiment honestly, Tom, Andrew, and Lauchlan didn’t grow up as members of a minority. If they had, they’d know at this point to suck it up buttercup and move along. Because that’s what the rest of us learned at thirteen. If you are gay or non-white (or white in a non-white town) or the wrong religion or fat or female (at 52% of the population, the world’s biggest minority) or in any way different, you learn early on that reacting to catcalls or whistles or half-heard comments, or however it was these girls made their feelings known, has a time and a place. And this is not it.
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‘Listen!’ It’s Lauchlan’s turn to get involved. ‘How would you like it if we made racist remarks at you as we walked past. Show some respect, dude, seriously.’
‘Dude?!’ The girl with the pulled-back hair doesn’t like that. ‘Who the fuck are you calling dude?’
Lauchlan frowns, and I can see him trying to work out how ‘dude’ could be taken as offensive. He starts picking at his Tradesmen’s Entrance At The Back t-shirt like he’s only just noticed it’s too tight for him. Next thing I know, four of the girls are standing, their turn to point fingers, vitriol flying at the boys with little flecks of spit which catch the sunlight. Andrew is trying to say something calming but Tom is shouting over him in a way to match the girls.
‘Oh great,’ says Michael. ‘Can’t wait to explain this one to the police.’
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‘Oh great’ says Michael, next to me. Arms crossed and huffy, he suddenly suits his pink lycra. ‘Can’t wait to explain this one to the police.’
‘STOP IT!!!’
The scream is from the only girl still on the back of the bench. She’s small and dumpy, fifteen years old max, but when she climbs down and stands herself between her friends and mine, she does it with natural authority. Facing the men, she holds up her hand, like she’s examining the back of it at arm’s length and says ‘Walk away boys. Just walk away!’
Andrew starts saying his calm thing again but she interrupts him. ‘Na-ah. Just walk away. You know it’s the right thing to do, boy.’
Then she turns, grabs the bottle from the biggest girl’s hand, and climbs back up onto the bench. And Tom, Lauchlan and Andrew, big grown men who should know better, shuffle on along the pavement, like the silly little boys they really are.
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Later, in the car back to Bondi, Lauchie’s outraged I didn’t get involved. I’m the gay one, after all. I tell him my “there’s a time and a place” theory.
‘You reckon?’ he says. ‘I thought the whole point of equal rights is you can be who you want wherever you are and whenever it is. Isn’t that the point of Mardi Gras, celebrating that idea and promoting it? I reckon you’ve just given up the fight.’
Michael asks him what he thought was going to happen. When one of those girls threw the first punch, or maybe the bottle, what would the guys have done? From the very beginning, walking away was the only sensible thing to do. They debate this back and forth, but I’m left bothered by Lauchie’s words.
Have I given up the fight? Do I think sometimes we have to accept bigotry?
And if not, what should I have done?
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I hear your struggle – and know it well, being of that ‘largest minority’ and a proud and active feminist. Like you said, I learned from an early age when to suck it up because yes, there are times (many, many times in my experience) where you cannot win, where you won’t effect any change, and where you will ultimately put yourself in danger. I simply cannot count the number of times I have been in variations of that situation. Sometimes you HAVE to walk away. BUT…..a) you don’t have to like it; b) it DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE… Read more »
So sorry guys, just found all these comments now. The debate you are having is pretty much the one I had in my head. Yes, to resist and not let people get away with it. But No, don’t get into fights you can’t possibly win and which will not help. Who knows if reacting might have inspired those girls to do worse next time? Or made them think twice next time? I think this is why we can never judge. It is up to each individual how he or she feels comfortable reacting. Maybe another time I’d react a bit… Read more »
This is exactly the sort of situation where, about two hours later, you’d come up wither the PERFECT retort that would leave everyone involved speechless with your inarguable logic and dazzling wit.
I’ve yet to manage that in real time however, and dashing back to that bench in the hope the girls would still be there hours later in order to deliver your killer line would just make you look even lamer.
I’m always very pro responding when people comment like this. Its the only way people will learn their comments are unacceptable. However I understand the problem of a group of grown men against young girls. I think its most important to defend others as its always hard to speak up when its directed at you.
Avoiding a fight you kno you can’t win is one thing.
Avoiding a fight where you lose even if you win is a different ballgame altogether.
And as you concluded yourself, regardless of the outsome there’s no way white dudes can “win” any kind of fight over a couple of teenage girls, and minority to boot.
And I’d say that has nothing to do with giving up.
Win in who’s eyes? Gay men have the right to state their opinions and defend themselves. They also have to right to walk around dressed how they want if they’re not harassing anyone. A teenaged girl does not have the right to threaten, harass, or control gay men. If a teenaged girl lays a hand on a gay man he has every right to respond physically to prevent her from doing so further.
I read a lot of right-wing blogs in an attempt to understand “the other side” and I’ve learned a lot doing that. One of the most important things is that there will always be bigots. There isn’t a combination of words that will change their mind. You can try your best, sure, but it’s not worth the fisticuffs. Recognise when you’re fighting something that will never change, and just move on. One of the best things my father ever taught me is to recognise the amount of energy that’s being expended, and to decide if it’s really worth it. Is… Read more »
What you’re offering is not a solution. What happened to that man was unacceptable. What better solution are you proposing?
Gay men should not be expected to just suck it up and walk away. This is our world as much as it’s anyone else’s.
I’m saying there isn’t a solution. I know we SHOULDN’T be expected to just suck it up, but too bad buttercup. These people will not change and they will always exist, the only thing that can be changed is the amount of resources we use in fighting them. A good example of this is the Westboro Baptist Church. Nothing you say or do will convince them to stop being America’s asshole – you can’t beat them into submission, you can’t argue rationally with them – so at what point do you just accept that they exist and won’t budge an… Read more »
You’re just making excuses to be a coward. Your line of argumentation promotes bad behavior because it says to bullies, “We won’t call you out on your bigotry because you’re more persistent than we are.” If you want to be a coward, that’s your choice. You have that right, but don’t get in the way of others who take a different path.
The other side of this is to save resources for fights that ARE worth it. There are plenty of arguments and issues that need our time and energy, aren’t we better off saving ourselves for them? If you’re angry at prejudice, find meaningful ways to fight it instead of wasting your life getting into fights with ignorant teenagers.
“Have I given up the fight? Do I think sometimes we have to accept bigotry?”
You know the answer to this: yes, you have given up. Those girls deserved a smackdown. You know it, but you’re too cowardly to accept it.
Some people are just looking for a fight….for any reason…in the end, it’s not really about you….people who hate themselves or feel defective or deficient in some way will lash out at whatever convenient targets are nearby….