From zebras to astronauts, Jeremy Adam Smith looked to science for some sex advice.
Pretty much everyone is hardwired for sex. Birds do it, I’m told. So do bees. Men do it as well, but many women would agree with me that there’s always room for improvement. Science can help, gentlemen, and here are three hot tips straight from the Greater Good Science Center.
1. Let your heart be present. Friends, I want you to watch this video and think about sex.
That handsome guy is Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the world’s leading experts on mindfulness, the moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness of what’s happening in our bodies and minds.
So what might mindful whoopee look like? Well, you’re not supposed to be running a porno in your brain or agonizing about next year’s marketing budget. You’re not evaluating your own studly performance or dwelling upon what your beer gut looks like from a feminine point of view. You’re not sorting experiences and thoughts in negative and positive buckets.
Instead you’re taking Jon’s insights and applying them to making the Buddha with two backs: paying attention to your breathing and to your partner’s breathing, to your moans and to those of your partner, to the feel of skin on skin, to … whew, pardon me, my computer’s getting warm.
In other words, you’re absolutely present with your partner and with the moment. As Jon says, “When you hear the word ‘mindfulness,’ you have to understand that it is ‘presence of heart.’”
To some people, mindfulness during sex comes naturally. But, alas, it’s also very natural for our minds to wander or for anxiety to eat away at the edges of our awareness (and enjoyment). This seems especially true for parents of young children. My wife and I both fret that our son will wake up in the night and try to find mommy and daddy while we’re having special mommy and daddy time. But worrying about that possibility doesn’t make it any less likely to happen, does it? So why not just go with it, and let the future take care of itself?
Or so I tell myself. Do I listen? Not usually, no. But do as I say, gentlemen, not as I do. Your wife will thank me for it.
2. Think like a zebra. If you’re a zebra and a lion attacks, stress makes sense. As neuroendocrinologist Robert Sapolsky points out in a Greater Good Science Center talk he gave last year, our bodies secrete adrenaline and many other hormones to deal with short-term physical crises. Evolution bequeathed us this stress response so that we could escape lions, and it’s great for that.
It’s not so great for erections. Because when we’re running from lions, erections are kind of silly. That’s just not the time for pleasurable reproductive activities.
The problem is, that same stress response kicks in for the modern gentleman when he’s faced with his everyday worries, from traffic jams to utility bills to tomorrow’s Powerpoint presentation. And he stinks at turning off those worries when he enters the bedroom.
The zebra doesn’t have that problem: When he’s not running from the lion, he’s pretty carefree. There’s no such thing as performance anxiety when you’re a zebra. That’s why the freaking zebra has a better sex life than you do. While you’re sitting there worrying about your job evaluation, there are zebras having special mommy and daddy time.
The point, my friend, is that you need to get a grip. Daily stress is a sex-killer. In 21st century America, it’s also pervasive, possibly inevitable. As I write, I’m actually stressed that I won’t finish this article in time for Valentine’s Day. People are depending on me. Guys like you need this article, or your Valentine’s Day is going to suck. So how can we deal with the pressure and think more like zebras, and thus enjoy the same firm, dependable erections they do?
Lucky for you, Greater Good is filled with excellent tips for preventing stress. In her Raising Happiness blog, Christine Carter suggests a few: making a list of all the things that make you stressed so that you can deal with them; changing your routine and make plans that take the stress out of your day; building your coping capacity through sports or yoga or whatever else floats your boat; and prioritizing your own health and happiness. Many studies suggest that practicing compassion and forgiveness reduce stress.
This especially applies to our intimate relationships, where we can stress ourselves out over the wrong word or a sideways glance. “What we don’t like is that when we trust somebody intimately… we’re opening ourselves up to pain because we are unprotected and they’re seeing us naked, physically and emotionally,” says forgiveness expert Fred Luskin in a recent talk for our Science of Meaningful Life series.
Lots of guys can’t deal with that—being vulnerable—and the result is sex-killing stress.
Fred’s advice? Instead of stressing about how the ruling superbabe in your life may or may not have done you wrong, look for what’s awesome in her, and work on accepting the things that make her as screwed-up as you are.
3. Don’t fear the astronaut. Communication. Are you for it or against it? I know the answer should be obvious, but I ask because some guys are against it. I know I am. Oh, sure, I have many pious and high-minded rhetorical points to make about the value of communication, and, hell, I communicate for a living. But, um, sometimes my ideals and professional experience doesn’t translate into actions—or rather, words—at home. Just ask my wife.
“I met recently with a man whose marriage is being smothered by the weight of everything unsaid,” writes neuroscientist Rick Hanson, who I’m pretty sure was not thinking of me. “But not talking is what’s actually blowing up their relationship—and, in fact, when people do communicate in a heartfelt way … it usually evokes support and open-heartedness from others.” Hanson provides someterrific tips for breaking the silence barrier, such as…
- Ground yourself in good intentions, whatever they may be. To discover and express the truth. To help yourself and the other person.
- Get a basic sense of what you want to say. Focus on your experience: thoughts, feelings, body sensations, wants, memories, images, the dynamic flow through awareness.
- Be confident. Have faith in your sincerity, and in the truth itself. Recognize that others may not like what you have to say, but you have a right to say it without needing to justify it.
OK, now, try applying these principles when you bring up the death of oral sex in your relationship. Or a secret desire to dress up as an astronaut and a ballerina. Or whatever.
Look, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s normal to fall into a rut. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But you’re not going to stir things up if you clam up. Speak, my friend. You might find out that your girlfriend wants to be the astronaut and you to be the ballerina. Why not? Try it.
Of course, sexual communication goes beyond saying what you want. It also involves asking questions. So use your ears as well as your tongue, and perhaps even strive to understand before you try to be understood.
And don’t stop with the ears and the tongue. Use your fingertips, too. Greater Good Science Center Faculty Director Dacher Keltner has documented how well touch can convey emotions like compassion and get the love hormone oxytocin pumping.
But be warned: He found differences between men and women when they try to communicate emotions through touch. “When a woman tried to communicate anger to a man … he had no idea what she was doing,” writes Dacher. “And when a man tried to communicate compassion to a woman, she didn’t know what was going on!”
My conclusion? Practice. Touch your mate early and often, and train each other to feel what the other is feeling.
OK, now it’s your turn. Don’t be shy; leave a comment. Ladies, what tips do you have for the emotionally intelligent gentleman? And guys, please do share your wisdom based on your vast and worldly experience. We’re all waiting. With eyes wide open. And lips parted.
Originally appeared at Greater Good.
—Photo eisenbahner/Flickr
About Jeremy Adam Smith
Jeremy,
All of your points were on key! I especially like point number 1. I don’t care if I am a one night stand or the love of your life but please have your heart present. I think men are so overly concerned with performance that they over think the sexual process, thus making sex unenjoyable. At times I want to laugh during sex. Not because its bad but I can tell the guy is thinking about his next move, trying to recall a move he saw in porn, trying to recall the points made in this article, trying to think of his dead grandmother so he doesn’t ejaculate in two minutes. I know our society puts a lot of performance pressure on men. Futhermore, we live in a goal orientated society and sex is no exception. Men are so focused on goal number one: getting laid then goal number two: making her orgasm. Relax. Calm down. Slow down. Sex is a sensous experience. Senses are about feeling not necesarily thinking and you can only feel with your heart not your mind. The best advice I was ever given was: live as though it was your last and f*!k as though it was your last time because it could be. So no matter what your relationship with her is please give it your all and put your heart into because it could be your last time.
Women can be just as bad about this as men. I rarely orgasm from oral sex, though I really really enjoy it. And oh the crap I’ve been given for this failing. The badgering about technique, “Why won’t you tell me what you need?” Also about porn, about intimacy and connection and whatever else women have tried to pin it on. The pattern I’ve noticed: when we’re lost in the experience, that elusive oral orgasm is a lot more likely.
I get that men are supposed to chase, perform and do everything else expected. Sure, it sometimes gives us issues. However, put the shoe on the other foot, and it’s still a shoe. I shouldn’t generalize; but, in my experience, given a challenge, women can be just as goal-oriented as men. And finding a woman who is uninhibited, truly sensual, and willing to f*ck like it’s her last time is not an easy thing to do. Frankly, it’s even harder to find her again when you’ve been married to her for a few years.
I don’t sleep with women but I hear that complaint a lot. I used to be sexually inhibited because I was scared of judgment, my own desires and what might be unleashed. Then I was with a guy who helped me not hold back (the one who gave me the best advice ever). Its weird because when I began to let go in bed, I begin to not hold other things back in the rest of my life too. It has been hard to find a partner like that again. At times, I do feel scared of being labeled as overly sexual but I don’t let it get to me. I think women fear the judgment. A lot of guys only think of a women as a saint or a s!%t so we fear being labeled. I like to think of myself more as a sensual person and I wish people focused on sensuality more.
Naughty Confession: I had a guy you couldn’t orgasm with oral sex. No girl ever achieved it. It became my goal. I didn’t badger him. I did it secretly. No pressure for him. I tried everything and just paid attention to body language. I finally made him orgasm. It had little to do with technique but more to do with duration. After I achieved it, did I try again? Heck no! I almost had to wear a neck brace after that. Poor guy was upset that it never happened again because he didn’t have the awesome experience before me and more than likely hasn’t had it after me. It took nearly an hour okay! I just wanted to achieve a goal and see if I could take on the challenge. Yes this was wrong!
I’ve only done that once in my life from no hands. The woman was psychic. It definitely wasn’t from going fast either. I blur out immediately on fast action. It was extremely slow. Didn’t take very long either. We had intercourse right after. This also was very slow, and we stayed psychically linked the whole time.
It seems like your version of science is lacking objective facts: http://goo.gl/obiC
enjoyed reading this…you have powerful points and have the intention of helping sex lives. Thank you
Well said, my friend! And I thoroughly enjoyed the videos!
I can totally agree with the Zebra illustration. It is so true!!!
“At times I want to laugh during sex. Not because its bad but I can tell the guy is thinking about his next move, trying to recall a move he saw in porn, trying to recall the points made in this article, trying to think of his dead grandmother so he doesn’t ejaculate in two minutes. I know our society puts a lot of performance pressure on men.”
JR–YES YES YES. When a lot of men hear the ‘don’t use porn as sex education’ argument, they think that women who are saying it think porn is evil, morally wrong, or disgusting. That might be the case for some, but it isn’t for many women. I feel like our side of the story gets lost in the all of the controversy. Porn is fine. Keep on watching it.
Yet, whether it’s casual sex, dating, or true love, I’d much rather spend a night with a guy who’s actually enjoying himself and letting me enjoy myself than one who’s trying to show off, acting weird every time something silly happens, or giving up if there’s a break in the mood/fantasy. Sex isn’t always going to be perfect, but it can be amazing regardless. Why spend all your time making your penis look bigger (or worrying about size), sacrificing pleasure to show off how long you can last, feeling bad if she doesn’t orgasm every time or scream like a banshee, judging physical imperfections, or proving that you know every single position in the karma sutra? It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to keep your sex life spicy and try crazy new things (you should). It just means that you should be able to have fun with it. Don’t be so focused on pressure, performance, perfection, and showmanship.
Allow yourself stupid, freaky, slow, cute, funny, fast, hard, angry, sweet, romantic, loud, quiet, dirty–whatever the day and mood calls for. Sex is supposed to be fun. Stop trying to make it a performance. BE PRESENT. Communicate, touch, and enjoy.
Aya,
Very well said. I agree with you about the porn. Porn isn’t bad but just like anything else you see on the big screen you shouldn’t attempt it at home. I love to be carefree with my partner and if his mind is on all of his worries than that is really hard to do. I try to help him relax but sometimes even this may make him self conscious. Maybe more men just need to hear that they don’t have to be a sexual machine but to focus on the shared experience instead.
We have to stop looking at things like they’re black and white. It’s not either missionary or a contortionist act with 15 different positions. I get both sides of it. Only having one position in your arsenal is boring. Trying too hard to act out a porno that was filmed in a million scenes is annoying as hell. Both the man and the woman (whatever their personal tastes/experiences) have the obligation (and should want to) to communicate and compromise. Most real life sex is not either-or.
I personally find that many types of doggie style or wrapping my legs around a man or his shoulders works the best for me most of the time. There are some times when I am definitely the stereotypical woman and need to look into my man’s eyes while listening to Boyz II Men. There are other times when I need to just fuck and be fucked while being called names that I would usually find terribly offensive.
It’s difficult to keep from rolling my eyes when I’m really enjoying myself and a guy mechanically turns me over and starts to look like he’s posing or trying to make me pose. It’s also easy to fall into a rut if you’re relying on only a couple of positions and not being open to new things. Sometimes your desires will match up and sometimes they won’t. There’d be so much less need for sex advice columns if ego and hangups weren’t such a big part of it. We keep saying ‘communicate’ and ‘compromise,’ but sadly, it’s so much easier said than done.
posted this on the wrong thread…-_-
So I know this was written for men, but wow. That was totally spot on for me. I think I’ve stopped doing #1 and it makes it really difficult to enjoy the moment.
I think this was a great article.
Here are 3 more great articles about men and their emotional needs in dating
http://postmasculine.com/emotional-needs-part-1
http://postmasculine.com/emotional-needs-part-2
http://postmasculine.com/emotional-needs-part-3
“I think women fear the judgment.”
And, regarding their appearance, performance, stamina, etc. You think that men don’t??
I really did enjoyed all of this tips for emotionally challenged people. I think that this will be a lot of help for them.