Depression is an invincible foe. But Dyllon Charron found a way to fight it: by becoming invincible himself.
——
I’m 25. I’m six foot three inches tall. I have the build of a sprinter and the metabolism of a hummingbird. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I have three, very close, best friends. And I have depression.
When I say “I have depression,” I don’t mean I’m sad and lonely; I don’t mean I’m pensive and brooding. When I say “I have depression,” I’m really saying:
“Take the gun out of my hand… because I can’t put it down myself.”
When I say “I have depression,” I don’t mean I’m sad and lonely. I mean, “Take the gun out of my hand…because I can’t put it down myself.”
|
I was first diagnosed with depression over 50 years ago—well, I say “I,” but what I really mean is, “my blood.” Depression is genetic, and in the case of these genes, it’s a permanent resident. Depression is a potent adversary infecting every good cell in the body until there is nothing left.
It’s a small platoon of soldiers placed into a war zone where the only escape is hundreds of miles away. Despite fighting with everything they’ve got; despite being tactical and precise and ingenious, you still have a very high chance of losing everybody you have with you—you still have a high chance of losing yourself.
- Depression is not a battle that you win once, and it’s over.
- Depression is guerilla warfare.
- Depression is fought when you wake up. Depression is fought when you sleep.
It’s all ways, at all times—and it never ends.
♦◊♦
I’m 25. I’m a sparsely published poet. I enjoy competition and I thrive on human interaction. I’ve devoured more pages in my time than you could make from the forests of the great Canadian north.
Everything I do is just another way to hold back the flood of doubt—the raging torrents of sorrow and hopelessness; fear and helplessness.
Everything.
My parents had me before they were ready for kids. They raised me like the mistake they always knew I was, and made sure that I knew they thought that.
|
I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. I recall days as a child that I would spend laying in the grass staring up at the clouds for hours. Alone. Letting the ants crawl on me, between my toes and up and down my arms and legs. I used to sleep in the woods—I say sleep, but what I mean is “be.” I used to be in the woods; I used to live in the woods.
Typical of the 21st century family, my parents had me before they were ready for kids. They raised me like the mistake they always knew I was, and made sure that I knew they thought that. Thusly, my days consisted of woodland venturing, and my nights of finding a place to lay myself down safely.
When I wasn’t in school, I was wandering the forest, or reading a book, or enveloped in one of the thousands of fictitious worlds that I kept on the shelf beside my consoles. Living someone else’s life, regardless if they are real, helped me escape my own (if only briefly).
I’m 25. I have a beautiful girlfriend & wonderful best friends. I have ambitions and dreams and goals so glorious that the thought of failure is immeasurably terrifying. Yet, I’m at the lowest point in my life that I have ever been at.
|
For a long time, I was proud of myself for still going. I was proud that I woke up each morning and went to class, or to work. I was proud each time I didn’t give in and explode, or give in and act like a miserable prick. I was proud each time I caught the beast at the last second and shoved him back into his hole to rot.
For a long time I didn’t give credit where credit was due. I never thanked those that actually made a difference in my life. The Actors. Musicians. Artists. Writers—all of these creative and wonderful people who rescued me on a daily basis. They are whom I owe my gratitude to.
♦◊♦
I’m 25. I have a beautiful girlfriend & wonderful best friends. I have ambitions and dreams and goals so glorious that the thought of failure is immeasurably terrifying. Yet, I’m at the lowest point in my life that I have ever been at.
And he’s there—growing restless. The beast: his maw agape, teeth sharpened, breath as foul as ever—he waits for me to slip, licking at my feet and legs trying to unnerve me. He is bold, and conniving, and convincing.
And I am weak.
And I am weary.
Inside me, the light that strives to shine is flickering. It’s schizophrenic. ADD. OCD. Anxious. Some moments it’s ready to burst forth and claim the head of the next volatile asshat that claims his axiomatic, self-righteousness and tries to force it on their next victim; others, it’s all encompassing. It swallows the light, knocks me out of my seat, and convinces me that there was never actually a light in the first place, and I’ve been on the floor this whole time.
I am 25. I am a Leo. I see colors where there are none, and I see possibility where there is none. I have as much potential for greatness as I do at taking my own life.
♦◊♦
At the end of the day, it really all comes down to one simple question:
What do I want?
I want to be free…from living in the future, from the chaos and worry and doubt and fear that consumes me. From not being good enough, or strong enough, or righteous enough.
|
There is a solution to every problem. Ask the right questions and you will receive the right answers. I’m 25, and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life because my possibilities are literally endless. Each day I have to fight with everything I’ve got just to make sure that I’m laying myself down to sleep in my bed at the end of the day, and not a chair in the bathroom, or a sidewalk downtown, or a hospital bed.
What do I want?
What DO I want?
WHAT do I want?
… I just want to be free.
Free from the bonds that bind me. From the dark tendrils pervading my consciousness. From the material filth and explicitly unerring violence deemed necessary by the world. From the big picture viewpoint, from living in the future, from the chaos and worry and doubt and fear that consumes me. From not being good enough, or strong enough, or righteous enough.
It is a struggle within that defines an action without. I choose to live my own way, to discover for myself what so many others try to explain in words I already know.
There is no secret to life. There are no ultimate truths, or hidden facts that will change the very fabric of existence. There is only life.
Life and love.
Depression is a foe. An unbeatable and invincible foe. And the only way to beat an invincible foe…is to become invincible yourself.
|
This is the story of how I beat my depression. It starts internally and ends externally. It begins with acknowledgement, and ends with acceptance. It is how I discovered myself, my purpose, and my heart. How I am still discovering these things.
You see…
Depression is a foe. An unbeatable and invincible foe. And the only way to beat an invincible foe…
Is to become invincible yourself.
Love the person you are, and show the world in you, what you want to see in it.
◊♦◊
If you or someone you know is in crisis or having suicidal thoughts please reach out. You are not alone. Here are some resources. Please follow these link for a list of international suicide hotlines, other hotlines and helplines.
Photo: Jordan3600/Pixabay
“It’s not the end, it’s just depression.” If I could turn this simple expression into an emotion, I would. This is what I would like to give people; the tangible feeling of ‘It’s going to be okay.’
Because it is. It will always be, okay. The universe gives us back what we give it. We just have to suffer through what it gives us first.
what if you don’t want to suffer? what if you don’t have the will to fight or the desire to live anymore? what if all of that has left you and all you want to do is die? what then?
I m 42 and I’m happy I discorered almost by accident that I have depression. I mild depression but who cares I don’t distinguish it; it’s depression. I accepted it, I did not rejected it thinking ” me? no it’s not possible that I have depression”. Instead to be honest I was happpy to have found out what was hidding behind the door. I’m kind of glad of this depression, becuse it makes me aprreciate even more today’s life. I know it’s the contrary of what people would think,” you have depression, therefore you are happy…are you nuts?” but now… Read more »
Jon, what Jenny says it the truth. You are not alone. It boils down to this, my friend: everything in life happens to us for a reason; and, whether we derive happiness or suffering from it, it is there for us to learn. All of life is for learning. To grow and to become and to realize who and what you are made of. Each and every time in life that you or I or Jenny have suffered, we have always come out the other side— be it you believe of fortune or fate. We persist because we are meant… Read more »
Hi Jon, I work with Dyllon at the Good Men Project, and we are concerned about you. I’m so sorry to hear how desparate you feel. You are not alone. I’ve been there too, and it’s not the answer. You are needed and loved. I know things feel so bad right now, but there are ways to get help. And, we really appreciate your sharing with us because we want to help. Can you text or call the hotline? I know you say you’ve talked to your counselor but you can call NOW and talk to a person highly trained… Read more »
I’m 34, having an annulment is not so easy like it seems, i had to let go after 7 years of marriage then my mom had a breast cancer and needs me to be there for her (awkward position cause I’m broke ). i terribly lose myself but i need to get up and start all over again on my own. Been to yoga classes, reading books, meeting strange people and laugh often like i used to. We only allow ourselves to stay in the dark, never allow that to happen instead look for the brighter side of life.
Always look for the brighter side of life. We have to remember that everything, especially our suffering, is temporary. We’ve made it to where we are, so obviously we can handle what the world throws at us. Depression is a sickness of the mind that we need to defeat. Sometimes it takes moments. Sometimes we battle our entire lives. Just keep yourself centered, Raquel; and, laugh! Laugh hard and laugh often.
I’m 30 and really deeply considering taking my life in the next few weeks. I don’t know what to do. My relationship fell apart and now my business is. i honestly do not want to live another day. I have reached out to friends and to my counselor and nothing has jogged me to feel any better. I don’t know where to turn, just trying to decide how to do it… I think it is the truth.
Hello Jon, I’m also an editor at The Good Men Project. One of the reasons we believe articles like this one are so important is that they give space for others to express where they are and what they are feeling. So I’m glad you have taken the step to do just that. It’s important to state your truth. What you’re going through is natural. I’ve been in business a long time and my clients are all in business and MANYof us have been where you are. My first attempt I was 14. I still get to that place where… Read more »
Jon, Here are some international resources too, just in case you are not in the US, I didn’t think of that before.
http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk (just put in your country and it will give you a # to call).
Anything else we can do to support you, just comment and we’re here. You’re not alone.
I’m 25 as well, from Puerto Rico. In retrospect I can’t really say if I was depressed. I don’t trust psychiatrists anymore, I dropped all the medication and felt a lot better. It’s been downhill in this country for more than a decade. I feel almost as depressed as driven, so much organizing and so much work to do just doing your small part fighting the powers that seek to annihilate our economy. I wonder if Greeks feel the same. Introvert as well, leftist in a country that hasn’t realized the cold war ended. I like your question What do… Read more »
“I want to become will. Man made will.” Such an ideal. But how do we grasp at that; to become will? It requires that invincibility which is so hard to hold onto. You must no longer stand as just a man, but as a mental image of desire— as an idea, for ideas can never die. Remember anything is possible. Defeat by a world which seems to thrive on crippling, is no defeat to be proud of. Stand like a warrior, and never stop fighting.
Being 47, I have been battling depression for years. Masking it in people-pleasing, overwork, booze, drugs, womanizing, etc…. I did not take care of myself. This past spring I finally got up the courage to admit I needed help and my health, specifically my mental health, was going downhill fast. I quit my job, moved, and got help. With the support of my family, my friends, and my therapist, I am better but no way am I out of the woods. It is a struggle and one that many men, especially in this country and day and age, have been… Read more »
It’s never ending, but as you said, we must fight on forever. The more we fight, the stronger we become. Every battle we win is one more step to victory. I find that reminding myself of this gives me that extra strength I need to get by some days.
I am almost your age, three years younger. I have had a childhood where I have been through situations which literally killed me and turned me into an introvert. I later confident in a person and stayed with the same person for five years who left me for the simple reason that he din’t want someone with such a background in his life. I was engulfed into a darkness which tormented me every waking moment. It took me a lot of to overcome it and took help from Roshni foundations, I will forever be in debt to them. I have… Read more »
What you learned is a lesson that you must never forget— no matter how difficult things get, there is always hope. It may feel impossible to break the pattern of feeling trapped in the dark, but never stop searching for a light. Actively standing against it will help prevent you from being overwhelmed by it; the lesson being— keep fighting! It always makes me feel better as a person in his own struggle to hear about those winning theirs.
May strength be giving to you. I see you writing “Got room for a small one”. Hope you mean it in the sense (metaphorical ofcourse), that you become “roommates” helping eachother out of the depression. Don’t stay in the dark, follow the light. Blessings
Yep. Im twice your age, but living in the same dark place. Got room for a small one?