If James Rigdon could have told himself these things 20 years ago, his life might be different now.
I was thinking, last month, of the twenty years I’ve spent trying to find self-validation through relationships and, later, career. Twenty years later, I am still single and holding on to an itinerant career- even now; having lived at my present location for over four months (becoming the longest constant professional residence in the past four years, third-longest over my career), I still face the possibility of having to move somewhere new if this show doesn’t work out.
I always told myself that things would eventually work out- I’d find the job and the girl/woman and it would all come together, I’d be happy, or, at least, content, make some money (I didn’t need to be rich, just enough that I wouldn’t spend my life being terrified of how I was going to pay my bills), and everything would work out fine.
Well, here I am, twenty years out of eighth grade, and there are a few things I’d like to go back and pound into that puberty-driven mind of mine.
- Relationships are not the key to happiness
Yep, I know, you’ve spent all that time dreaming of having that great relationship, the epic first kiss with the beautiful music kicking up in the background, roll credits, and, by the next episode, you’re in a relationship. Guess what, younger me?
It’s not like that.
Not even close.
There’ll be those moments, but there will also be those mornings after when that note (and, later in your life, that email) will be waiting for you, telling you that “we shouldn’t have done that” and “sorry, I’ve got a boyfriend” and all the other complications. There will be times when you’ll have to write those for yourself. One’s about as bad as the other, and it’s going to be hard on you. You know what?
That’s how it’s going to have to be, sometimes. That great 80s song had it right- love is a battlefield, it’s a competition, and, in every competition, there’s only one winner, and everyone else loses. And, sometimes, even the winner loses, and losing is not the end of it all. Not even close. So don’t be looking at all those couples around you and think that they have something you don’t- nobody knows what tomorrow’s going to bring, and anyone who says “Better to have loved and lost” never really lost. Don’t be in such a hurry to get your heart broken.
Romance, like nearly everything else in life, provide both the good and the bad- yes, there are those moments when everything seems to work for you, but then comes a ton of work to keep it going, a lot of money, and, even when you put in all your mind, money, heart and soul, it’ll still not work out, and you’ll be left alone, clinging to those memories. If your happiness sinks or swims based on relationships alone, then you’re dooming yourself to a lot of stormy seas, with only a few cheerful ports in between.
- Do not let other people steer your life for you
Let’s keep the sailing analogy- if you were captaining a boat, would you let someone who isn’t even on that boat, doesn’t know how it handles, maybe never even set foot on it or sailed those waters, tell you how you should man it? Someone who’s never sailed? You’d be crazy if you did, and if, somehow, it got you where you wanted, it would be purely on luck.
Everyone’s going to want to tell you how to run your life- it’s partially because they want validation that they know more, they want to appear to be wiser and more worldly. Guess what- most everybody is sailing as blind as you, they just want to look like they know more. If you need proof of that, just wait and count how many of those supposedly all-knowing people end up with kids before you graduate. Really- I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it happen.
Dress how you want to, watch what you want to, do what you want to. Don’t change yourself just because other people tell you that’s how you should be. Everyone wants to make everyone else play their game, and you know why? They’re guaranteed to win their game. You play yours and let them play theirs; that’s the only way you can make it happen for you. Become who you are, because your only other option is to wear a mask full-time, to start acting like you’re someone you’re not, and, before long, it’s going to be harder to figure out which one is the real you.
And changing yourself because you think it’ll make someone like you more? No. Don’t even try it. If you’re not their type, they’ll figure it out soon enough, and, even if they don’t, there’s always someone else for whom it comes naturally, and they’ll beat you every time.
- Aerosmith said it best- “Life’s a journey, not a destination.”
You spend a lot of time thinking about what can make life better, and it’s always in the future- when you get a girlfriend, when you start driving, when you can feel like a winner. It’s good to have goals, sure, but not when they’re so far off, or intangible, that you stop enjoying where you are. Come on, man- half the things that you’re holding onto never work out, and that just keeps you down. So think about it- what’s the best way to get through the day? Every day, make sure you’re doing something for yourself, something to make yourself feel better about how and where you are. Work out, go running, write something creative. Which leads me to…
- GET OUT FROM IN FRONT OF THE VIDEO GAMES
Hey, it’s 20 years later and I still like playing video games, but put a cap on it- don’t let yourself do it for more than an hour a day. The rest of your time, do something else, read, write, learn to play that guitar, go outside. Study a little, because school’s not getting any easier on you; your days of straight A’s without studying are pretty well over. Those games are great for some purposes- stress relief, some historical education, and so forth-, but they are also very good at keeping you away from reality, but reality doesn’t stop just because you’re not paying attention. Learn to cook, because I’m going to let you in on a little secret- women tend to love it when you can make dinner for them. Especially once you enter your 20s and 30s. And one of the greatest deals you can make when living with others- you cook dinner, they do the dishes afterward.
- Don’t be afraid to fail
One of your biggest obstacles to personal growth is fear of revealing that you don’t know. It’s part of the price from being so bright in some ways when you started school- you quickly separated what you could and couldn’t easily do, and you stuck to what came easy. It worked for a long time, but there are going to be things you have to know how to do- even if you can’t do them as well as some, it’s important to at least learn. This will save you from a lot of rough spots later on.
And, when those relationships start happening- and they will-, do not do not DO NOT stay in any of them just for fear of being single, or because you don’t want to have put all that energy into it for nothing. They’re going to end, whether you do it or you leave it to the other party; might as well get out before they cost you more time and effort that’ll also just lead to nothing.
- A real friend is one who’ll let you unload your problems without telling you what’s wrong with you, or mocking you for them
You call a lot of people friends, but how many would you trust with this stuff? Contrary to popular opinion, we are not made to suffer alone, or in silence, and if you can’t go to friends with your misery, then they’re not really your friends. And, you know what?
They’re not worth spending your time on, either.
There are going to be a lot of people who want to be your “friend,” meaning they want things you have, or stuff you can do for them. You’ve seen all the tv shows, parents and teachers and everyone else have all told you that’s not a real friend, but it gets really hard to tell the difference between those and everyone else when it comes to reality. Friends, and especially relationships, are going to be like that for you. It’s just the way people are.
- Don’t worry- none of them know any more about this stuff than you do
Socrates is noted as one of the wisest men of early philosophical times, but he was smart enough to say that he was wise because he knew nothing. Everyone wants to think they know everything, but no one really knows, so the smartest people are the few who are able to admit they don’t know. The bravest are the ones who go forward, knowing they don’t know the outcome.
Oh, and don’t overthink everything- you have a habit of imagining that you plan for every possible eventuality, but you can’t do that. This isn’t a Choose Your Own Adventure book, where you only have two choices at a time, and a certain outcome for each: this is life and it is infinite. It’s scary as hell out there, and you can’t begin to see everything that can come, and you sure as hell can’t predict your reaction to everything, even if it is something you foresaw.
I will tell you that you’re going to make the wrong decision from time to time. You’re going to screw up and you’re going to get hurt and there’s no way that you’re going to avoid that- you shouldn’t want to. Given the choice between getting bruised up a bit, or being an ignorant, blissful ignoramus, I’d always choose knowing. But there are a few final easy tips to help you avoid pain and other issues on down the road.
– Stay paranoid about drinking out of the same bottle as someone else. Mono sucks, dude, and getting it when you’re just about 17 really sucks.
– If she’s willing to sleep with you on the first date, she’s probably done the same with someone else. Same goes for saying you don’t need to use a condom- pregnancy scares can age you faster than divorce.
– The Broncos will eventually win a Super Bowl- don’t get discouraged. And don’t worry- the Chiefs, as of this writing, still haven’t.
– There is no one- not a single person- who will not lie to you, given proper motivation. The ones to keep around are the ones who’ll lie for you as well.
There’s a ton of other stuff to be gone through, but this is long enough. Good luck, and always remember that everything changes- the best times in life will eventually turn down again, but the worst ones will also, eventually, start to improve. The status quo is always temporary.
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Originally published at adventuresofshamus.blogspot.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock