“Kids, it’s time for Daddy to man up.”
First appeared at The Daddy Yo Dude
My Dearest Children,
My oh my how the time has come and gone. Would you believe that Daddy can still remember your very first cries? Your very first smiles? Your very first farts? Yes, Daddy remembers a lot of your firsts. It seems like just yesterday that I held you in my arms, ever worrying that I would do something wrong. I thought you were so fragile. In retrospect, it was I that was so fragile.
It’s true. Daddy worries way too much about you. In my mind, the worst possible scenario is always the greatest possibility. Due to this fact, I have become over protective of you. Instead of encouraging your growth and independence, I have hindered it to a degree. I have failed to let you grow up, because I have failed to do so.
It is so hard for me to accept the time that has already passed me by. It’s hard for me to see that you are not just my little babies anymore. But you are my growing children. You are a little man and woman who are really becoming their own. The days off “goo goo gah gah” and bottles are long gone. To tell you the truth, it makes Daddy kind of sad. Not because I don’t want you to grow up, but because I don’t know how to take it all in.
Little Dude, this evening I realized that it was time to let you ride solo. Literally. I watched as you rode away from me on your Diego bike, and took off with the ‘big kids”. The smile on your face just lit my world up. I could tell that you felt free, excited, nervous, and adventurous. As much as I wanted to keep you near my bubble, I had to let you ride on. Of course, don’t think you are free to go to the movies. Though it seemed far away to you, I still keep you where I can see you. That’s my job. My job is changing though, as you change as well. I realize that my job now is more of an assistant, and not so much of a boss.
Little Dudette, today I realized what it is you have been trying to accomplish with your antics recently. Don’t think it’s okay now to color on a dvd, or the walls, or the couch, or the fridge, or my clothes. Because that’s still just not cool. What is cool is that now I get it. You have been trying to grab my attention that I have had devoted to too many other things. Today I realized how much I have been missing our breakfast picnics, our walks through the complex, and our time coloring in your books. I realize how much I have caused you to miss out on by missing out on it myself.
Kids, it is time for Daddy to man up. I am sorry that I have not been the dad you need me to be right now. I am sorry I have failed to show you that I accept who you are becoming. And I am sorry that I have stood in the way of your growth. You are my children. And you always will be. Nothing and nobody can take that away from us. We are family. and my love for you will never die or fade.
So with my blessings, grow and explore. Go out and see the world. A grand stage it is to you. Play the role you want to. Daddy will be behind you every step of your way. I will always be here to turn back to if you get too scared. I will be here to encourage you when you are ready to try something new. And I will be here with the same loving and open arms that welcomed you into this world.
Lead, and I will follow.
Love,
Daddy
*Kids’ Photo Credits: These pictures were taken by my good friend Bob using a Samsung Fascinate Android Phone. Thank you Bob for sharing these great pics with me, and capturing the moments so well!*
Thanks for the lovely letter, John. The line that most resonated for me was your observation that we have to grow up as our children grow up. As I struggled to keep up with my kids, I would periodically slip a year or two–and sometimes more–behind them. At some point there would be a crisis and I would suddenly realize that they had frozen in my mind even as they, themselves, were continuing to grow and change. Now that they are each parents, it is sweet watching them parent their daughters. Even though they will probably do a better job… Read more »
What’s great about dads is that they’re expected to ‘man up’. Mother’s aren’t. They’re always perfect and if they do anything wrong it’s their kid’s fault.
What’s great about dads is that you can have a bad one.
You can have bad moms. I could even point a few out. I expect my wife to “woman up” when the time is necessary and have even suggested to her when I thought it was time for her to do so.
Manning up, to me, is not just about being a dad. I’m also an addict, a slacking employee, and a terrible husband.
This particular post, is just about what I need to do as a father.
“I expect my wife to “woman up” when the time is necessary and have even suggested to her when I thought it was time for her to do so.”
That is a personal dynamic and certainly isn’t part of the cultural narrative.
If you told a woman to ‘woman up’ she would likely laugh at you because the phrase is meaningless outside of your personal interactions with your wife.
“If you told a woman to ‘woman up’ she would likely laugh at you because the phrase is meaningless outside of your personal interactions with your wife.” You could be absolutely right about that. But then again, you could be absolutely wrong. Who’s culture? Where is this culture? How many cultures are blended into “the cultural narrative”? You see, all sides of a line exist in all things. Those that think moms are perfect, those who think dads are perfect. Those who say moms are the primary parent, those that say dads are. Both will always exist. I’m sure if… Read more »
The problem is that both you and Julie are looking at this issue from the point of view of a parent. I’m looking at it from the point of view of a child. I don’t care about moms who wax on about how they can compete with other moms to be ‘better on the outside’, I’m looking at it from the point of view of a child who was abused by his or her mother and consistently told that that was something ‘we just don’t talk about.’ There are lots of us. And there is no where near the corresponding… Read more »
I’m sorry that life may have been like that for you. I am well aware of the studies and the statistics. However, I’m not sure you have grasped any of the point of this post. This is my personal letter to my children. It is written by a parent. By a parent who realizes their faults. I just so happen to share this letter for the world to see because I am not ashamed of not being perfect. Therefore, taking it from the point of view of a parent is the only way to be looking at it. Written from… Read more »
“I’m sorry that life may have been like that for you. I am well aware of the studies and the statistics.” ‘May have been’ is not the best way to phrase it. ” It’s not meant to be taken from anyone’s point of view except my own.” I never said it was. I’m explaining my comment and agreeing with the thrust of your article. Fathers have to ‘man up’. Mothers don’t. There is no convenient catch phrase for ‘you are now commanded on condition of your identity as a woman to put others before you.’ That’s something that makes fathers… Read more »
Thank you for clarifying that for me.
I don’t think it makes fathers unique at all. I think maybe you just don’t see women publicly declaring that they are major f*** ups and wanting to change.
But personally, I have no problem hearing of anyone telling a mom to step it up when it is needed.
“But personally, I have no problem hearing of anyone telling a mom to step it up when it is needed.”
To be honest, I’m not really interested in more shallow judgement directed towards either fathers or mothers.
What I’d like to see is a universal acknowledgement that women can be bad mothers–getting rid of the myth of the natural mother–and maybe people inventing a phrase that means ‘put others before yourself or forfeit your gender identity’ for both men and women.
Either that or retiring ‘man up’.
What? The “bad mother” tag is alive and well. Don’t have it natural? Bad mother. Don’t breastfeed? Bad mother. Use daycare? Bad mother. Vaccinate? Bad mother. Don’t vaccinate? Bad mother. Mental illness was long blamed on bad mothering.
@ Julie Nope. That’s mother-competition; other mother’s judging each other on superficial and frankly meaningless criteria that have nothing to do with being a good or bad mother and everything to do with their own egos. (Note that nothing you said reflects a child’s opinion, but usually the opinions of other mothers.) I’m talking about someone who was abused by their mother being told ‘what did you do to deserve it?’ That’s the usual response. Either that or ‘have you considered your mother’s feelings in all this?’ Or, better yet, ‘a mother would never do that!’ I know from godawful… Read more »
Then we Are talking about two different things. I have NO doubt that mothers can be horrible, abusive, vile, wrong, violent. I’ve seen it personally. I don’t know then what you mean by no mother is a bad mother. Clearly there are bad mothers and bad fathers. Please explain?
It means that even if your mother was a violently abusive alcoholic who made you eat cigarette butts, she was still a good mother who had a reason for doing what she did because you were a bad child.
I’m not kidding about this attitude.
Further, whenever rape awareness advocates talk about female victims of male rapists being ‘victim blamed’ in ways that other victims of crimes and abuse are not, I can’t help but shake my head.
I highly doubt any ‘worthy’ rape victim was ever told the following:
‘I’m disturbed by the fact that you think you are the only victim here. Have you ever considered your rapist’s feelings and how he was a victim?’
Not denying the rape happened at all, but insisting on turning the topic to how the rapist was a victim.
Yeah…
Who holds this belief? I don’t know anyone who’d support this. I’m being serious and I believe you are too. Will you please tell me who assumes this?
“Who holds this belief? I don’t know anyone who’d support this. I’m being serious and I believe you are too. Will you please tell me who assumes this?” This is about sexual abuse by females but it also holds true to a lesser extent for psychological and physical abuse. http://female-offenders.com/Safehouse/2011/11/female-sex-offender-statistics-why-the-variations.html Specifically this: “65% of the survivors who tried to tell a therapist, doctor, teacher, or other professional were not believed the first time they disclosed. Overall, 86% of those who tried to tell anyone were not believed the first time they disclosed. “Moreover, professional minimization or disbelief of victims’ allegations… Read more »
Well, thank you for sharing that. I’m glad we worked out where my confusion was. I have seen ample evidence that women can be terrible, I have a hard time accepting that others can’t see that.
Then again, I see many indications that all of humanity is pretty damn prone to violence.
“I have a hard time accepting that others can’t see that.” I think a lot of people get caught up on the stuff that really just amounts to social posturing. Plus there may be confusion regarding what I mean by saying a ‘bad mother’. Not being able to control a hyperactive kid in public does not make you a bad mother. Feeding your kid lunchables instead of organic does not make you a bad mother. Not breast feeding does not make you a bad mother. Not vaccinating or vaccinating does not make you a bad mother. Drinking moderately and smoking… Read more »
No, I clearly see your point and I appreciate you taking the time to offer all that. I can’t disagree. Some women can be very bad parents. Abuse of any kind should be identified, intervened on and the child protected.