Sometimes leaving is a kindness — for both of you.
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Today, I walk away. It’s not abandonment. I’m not giving up. I’m just realizing that the course you are on is one I’m not supposed to travel with you. It’s not throwing in the towel, it’s finally seeing that I’m not the one to get you through.
Does this mean I no longer love you? No. Not in the least. If anything, it means I love you enough to step back and let the destruction run it’s course. Sometimes love is best served as a happy memory and a hope for a better future.
Do I hate you? Absolutely not. I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more. I love you enough to know that by letting you go, I give you the chance to find what you need.
I could never hate anyone I’ve loved so much as you. Rather, in a way, I love you more.
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How could I say I hate you, without depreciating every time I showed you love? You see, whatever it was in your life that made you this way, I hate THAT. What made you feel you had to lie about everything? What made you feel you had to self destruct every time you had a chance to succeed? Through our many talks, I have some ideas, but do I know? No. I don’t know, but whatever it was, that is the only thing I’m capable of hating today.
In moments, when you were doing good, I saw you. The real you. I saw the passionate you that valued yourself and your family. I know that one day, that “you” will win over. I also accept that when it does, I won’t be there to see it. This is trip you need to make on your own.
There was a time I made you better. You made me better. Together, we allowed ourselves to live within our imperfections. Somewhere, sometime, those demons came back to you. I could go on and on about how you did me wrong, but the fact is, you hurt yourself so much more. The fact is, I love you enough to know it’s not about what you did to me. It’s about what you do to you.
Eventually, I became what empowered your darkness. You could always come back to me. You always had a net at the end of your run through your torments. I was the one that would always be there. I still am, just now I’m there in thought. I’m the memory of what it was like to truly be loved. When you’re ready, you’ll find yourself drawn to someone that shows you that again.
I think, maybe, that’s what scared you most. How could someone know your deepest, darkest secrets and refuse to let you sink into a self created abyss?
The answer? Simple. I had chosen to love you. Not what you’ve done. Not what you did out of anger or fear. Just you. Beautiful, broken you. I’ve seen days where I thought no one could know me and truly love me. I changed. One day, you will too.
Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.
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Was that healthy? Probably not. Did it encourage you to do more to shatter yourself? Quite possibly. Was it wrong? I think not. You have been loved. Unconditionally. You still are, just now from a place far enough away to let you finish your journey.
Today, I dream of the time you find yourself truly content and happy.
Today, I hope for the moment you learn giving one hundred percent is worth the gamble.
Today, I smile when I think of you digging out of the loathing and connecting with someone that appreciates you and shows you your value.
Today, I realize that nothing I do can bring you from the insanity you choose for yourself.
Today, I understand that your choices, while unhealthy, will not destroy you and it’s okay to stand back as you learn.
Today, I commit to stepping back as you find what you need to come back to yourself.
Today, I see that I love you more genuinely than ever before.
Today, I walk away.
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This article fits just right to me. I had to made that choice once in my life, and this describes exactly what I felt, feel and will continue to feel for that special someone…
Keep on keeping on…
Wasn’t meant to last.
One of the best pieces I have read in a very long time! Timing is divine!
True Voice Man! I personally appreciate, hearing the choice to walk away – when you know it’s the thing to do, for you.
Such a beautiful and touching article! Sometimes it’s always good to walk away.. It hurts, but then that’s the only solution too..
I dearly love you Jose, but you pushed me to this level . I’ll always love you for being the father of my baby , but I must go . We may try again , but you have to change ; so do I . It’s not giving up , I must love myself genuinely.
This is for you Jasper Glinofria , keep fighting with your demons, I’m tapping out! 🙂
I have had my fair share of deep relationships. And it feels so good someone has put my feelings on every past break up on point! Falling out of love was never the reason for those separations. It is entirely what is written on here and for almost all the people did not comprehend my reasons, thank you Phil for this putting it into perfect sense! ?
Excellently written. Sometimes we have to be willing to lose a relationship in order to potentially save it. And if ultimately the relationship isn’t saved it’s OK. You walk away choosing to save you, to not travel the path of destruction with them so that you may lead a genuine life.
This is so me, but I’m torn between needing to do this and hoping she can lift herself out of what she’s doing so we can have a future.
You can only show her how, but you can never upgrade someone emotionally, we are only lovers – not Psychologists. God bless your heart ?
Yes me too
PLanning to send this article to him:=)
Beautifully written with the words of your heart. 🙂
True for you maybe …not for me or a lot of others. Cowpoke need to take responsibility for their actions and NO not everyone sees the light. Not ever You r not speaking for everyone just yourself. Good luck. Be happy
My long distance boyfriend of 10 years used this article to let me know he is walking away. He did so a year after I stepped back from a relationship that was going nowhere, after he not only failed to commit but also managed to hurt me deeply. I think it was meant as a goodbye? Funny how the article reflects my feelings toward him exactly.
I cannot express how grateful I am for having read this. It so clearly articulates what I’m feeling and what I know I should do, yet have not been strong enough to do for fear I will add to his hurt and because I will mourn what could have been. I keep re-reading your words as if they will give me the strength I need. Thank you.
Thank you phil…..
Phil how do you feel about reflection and change, such as when one spouse finally hears the message and wants to get better for themselves, not because they are nagged into it? I can understand if the self destruction is dragging everyone else down, particularly alcohol/drug abuse. Where do we draw the line between our vows of “for better or for worse” and sticking by someone before coming to the conclusion we cannot help and walk away? I know I am biased by one divorce I did not want but in my own personal circles I see so many people… Read more »
Hi Todd, please allow me to share my thoughts with you on your experience. Sometimes, and maybe in your case – when you are dragged to her own self destruction then it means it’s over. Because you can’t be of help for her anymore. Even if you stay what guarantee that she will be better? Don’t feel guilty at all for the short time – a word of promise, an ultimatum, a hope, all of these are never a guarantee. You freeing her from you is already a good help – you did her a favor – it must be… Read more »
Honestly, it’s like I could have written this exact article myself, except you are a little further down the road of forgiveness than I am. That woman broke my heart, and I’m still healing. But yes, all you say here is true in my experience, and I thank you for you clarity to show me I’m not alone, and where I might get to in time.
This spoke to me deeply, thank you for sharing and speaking the words, to something I couldnt put words to.
If you had not tried to say you weren’t abandoning or you weren’t throwing in the towel, I’d have been there with ya. I hear you and know what you are trying to say. But yes, you are abandoning the person. Yes you are throwing in the towel. That word and phrase describe what you are doing. Your reasons and your perceptions of those reasons are what matters. But your reasons don’t change what you are doing. Look up the words in the dictionary. Leave out the first paragraph that is basically just you trying to convince yourself that you… Read more »
Sometimes you have to walk away and it may feel like abandonment to the other person, but it’s actually you saving your own sanity. If there are lies, toxicity, manipulation, you abandon YOURSELF by staying and it takes two people rowing the same direction to make a relationship truly work.
In my most recent breakup, she was the one who left me, after having lied to me, cheated on me, manipulated me, etc. She kept me on the hook with a potential of bringing the two of us back together into a relationship, all in an attempt to manipulate me into being her friend when she finally found another guy to run off with, because she didn’t want to be alone during the transition. While my situation isn’t the same as the article describes, it’s close enough to recognize that abandonment is there. Saying that you’re not on the same… Read more »
Would you still take her back? Im in the same situation id like to tall to you more…she was my first gf and i was her first sexual partner…
This has been by far the most touching and heart-felt article I’ve read about leaving and it’s painful course that every person has to go through. Maybe this was the reason why he left – he never had the courage to tell it straight to my face that made me shattered into pieces. Your article brought me to tears, every line. I had to share it on Facebook.
Oh my gosh. I am sitting here in tears reading this. It’s what has been in my head only I couldn’t form it into words. It’s the letter I will leave when and if I make the decision which I have a feeling is coming soon. My husband is leading a double life and it is killing me. Thank you so much for writing this. You have no idea how much this has helped me. God bless…
“What made you feel you had to lie about everything?” Beautifully written essay– so on target…! I had to walk away from people I hated and people I loved….I realized there was nothing more I could do for them if they were asking me to watch them self-destruct….sometimes I think people do not know what real love is…some people think it’s like a parent watching the bad behavior of a child and still accepting that misbehaving child….weird how you can treat people you love and people you hate with the same act of simply leaving…I just could not stand and… Read more »
WOW…. the words out of my mouth. It is very hard to walk about 22yrs of ones life. We were together longer than apart………..
This is just the kind of BS my narcissistic ex would write about him leaving me and the kids, though probably not to me but for his next girlfriend to read. He’ll probably write it as a song and play it for her on the guitar I bought for him. He’ll graciously leave out the three women he cheated on me with while underlining that one time I felt hurt enough to try to get even. He’ll leave out how I stood by him while he fought demons and made huge changes in his life. He’ll leave out the months… Read more »