Yes, there is a manly way to cry. Or at least a manly way to to explain why your face is wetter than usual.
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You know the old adage, “real men don’t cry” is complete BS, right?
Everyone cries sometimes, in their own way. Maybe you do the “Man Cry” as described in Urban Dictionary…
To feel the need to cry, however being a man you only let one tear fall down your cheek.
…or maybe you bust free of all those oppressive stereotypes and let the boo-hoo-hoos fly.
Either way, we’re here to salute you, crying men, with a list of some of our favorite excuses for crying:
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1. Is Somebody Chopping Onions in Here?
Probably the most famous euphemism for crying, the onion-chopping defense is handy because we all know that if a man is chopping onions, you should avert your eyes from his tears, out of respect.
Mark Greene even created a handy onion-chopping chart!
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2. It’s Raining On My Face
The facial precipitation defense originates with one of the most important musical testimonies to man-crying in history: Flight of the Conchords’ “I’m Not Crying”.
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3. My Eyes Are Just a Little Sweaty Today
More greatness from Flight of the Conchords. This excuse comes in particularly handy if you’re listening to a sad episode of This American Life while working out at the gym.
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4. What Is This Salty Discharge?
Sure, Jerry broke up with a girl every week on Seinfeld, but this one must have really mattered…
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5. I’m Just Remembering the Ending of ‘Field of Dreams‘
Go ahead and substitute any of the acceptable man-cry movies here: Rudy, Brian’s Song, Rocky, or even Armageddon (though that’s up for debate). Just don’t mention Love, Actually. Remember, the man-box is very restrictive and mostly sports-based.
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6. Damned Leaky Tear Duct!
Did you know that 99.8% of men are born with Leaky Tear Duct Syndrome? It’s a medical fact.
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7. This? This is Just Testosterone Run-Off
For the extra-manly man, tears can be a source of excreting excess build-up of your manliest hormone. Because, you know… science.
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8. Naw, Man, It’s Just My Allergies
Pass the Zyrtec, I hear Emotionitis is going around!
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9. My Eyes Are Cleaning Themselves So I Can See The Truth
This is one of those intimidating responses that is best used during moving political speeches or upon realizing that your pet hamster probably didn’t actually go live on Uncle Heinrich’s sheep farm. Especially since you don’t have an Uncle Heinrich.
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10. I’m Just Really, Really High
Sure, you can only legally use this one in Washington and Colorado, but it may come in handy next time someone shares one of those “soldier returning from war” videos in your Facebook timeline.
This excuse is made even more convincing if you keep a copy of Pineapple Express lying around.
Written by your crying editors: Allan Mott, Joanna Schroeder, Cameron Conaway and Tom Burns
Ira Glass, the weepmaster, photo: AP/Evan Agostini
Cpt. Cheeks photo: Kikimri
It kind of concerns me that in this day and age we still have to come up with excuses to cry. I work hard to teach my son that tears happen and that it’s ok.
I took this as a tongue in cheek…. at least that’s what I hope it was. Last weekend I participated in a men’s retreat and I have to tell ya, there was no excuses for the men who openly cried, including myself. From airline pilot to plumber, there are times there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
Yeah, if you read the first line of the post, you’ll see that it is a big joke. As well as the joke about “the man box” on the “Field of Dreams” excuse.
It’s supposed to show the absurdity.
This is pathetic, I’m a man, I don’t need to come up with exuses for why I cry.
Sometimes I “get the feels” just like every other human being on the planet.
That being said, some of these are rather funny.
Yeah, the point is that needing excuses is stupid. That’s what the first line is about and also the joke about the movies and the “man box”… It’s all very silly.
It’s all sarcasm, Alexander. The author agrees with you 🙂
mens rights activists totally agree here.
I’m afraid I fall into the boohoo category in cinemas – you have been warned…. It even wrecked a date watching ET!
Mine would be Dragon Heart.
Damn you John Connery dragon and your cheesy death scene! But man is it beautiful.