Top 4 Reasons Why Some Single Women Go After Married Men

Premium Membership, The Good Men Project

About Victory Unlimited

The Victory Unlimited Show is a tongue-in-cheek, self-help show for men that's reminiscent of programs from the Golden Age of Radio like The Shadow, The Green Hornet, and Flash Gordon. During each broadcast, the host codenamed "Victory Unlimited" answers dating, relationship, and life strategy questions from men by addressing them with a motivational, military-like intensity. You can listen to the show and read more articles here:
http://victoryunlimitedshow.com/

Comments

  1. Great piece, exploring one of those mysteries of life. Just had the conversation with a friend of mine who’s getting married at the end of the month. I think you might also consider adding those women who are so TERRIFIED of true intimacy that they will go for the safe guy who can’t have a deep relationship with them. Could be a subset of unavailable category.
    Take care,
    Adam Sheck

  2. JoAnne Dietrich says:

    There are definitely women like that. They just want to have great sex. They don’t want the “work” of a relationship. There are also men who chase married women for the same reason. It is unfortunate. Some people lack morals and integrity.

  3. East Cost Em says:

    Gotta speak up from the woman’s point of view.

    Let me start by saying that I am not someone who’s interested in married guys. However, one thing I have definitely noticed is the ease with which married men carry themselves, particularly compared to single men. Those partnered-up guys are secure in their masculinity and with their social position. That kind of confidence is appealing, as opposed to spending time in the company of guys who are neurotic or emotionally needy.

    • East,

      Everyone loves a winner. Some women go for married men because they think of them as “pre-approved” in a way. There are women who are drawn to the lack of desperation that some married men have. However, I wonder how many of those women would be as equally attracted to SINGLE men who aren’t so sexually thirsty and eager to please?

    • Hmm, just maybe the fact that their emotionally needy and neurotic explains why they in fact are single, … just sayin’?

  4. This isn’t a new phenomenon by any means. Many years ago, while refurbishing a section of highway, I became friends with a civil engineer ( an inspector) on the project. We were about the same age and both married for a couple of years at the time. I came to realize that he was quite the ‘Playa’, so when we stopped at a bar one day after work (a place he frequented) and he took off his wedding ring I figured” Oh, here we go” (Now, I’ve never worn my wedding ring, because it can be a hazard in my line of work, plus I don’t like wearing jewelry ). Anyway, he said to me that he took it off so the women in the place would leave us alone. I said WHAT! He said that the women that frequent this place were looking for married men to ‘Hook Up’ with. That they wanted ‘noncommittal sex’ and that many of them were in fact married themselves! It was quite an eye opener!

    • Cornelius Walker says:

      Glad to know I’m not the only one who does this.

      The way it was explained to me was that married men are attractive because:

      1) obviously someone found you marriageable material, whereas that single 37yo guy is a big unknown (and probably has major character defects that leave him un-partnered)
      2) if you’re not looking for an LTR, married men are safer because they’re less likely to get all clingy or jealous on you

      Once I stopped wearing my wedding ring on business trips I found the interest from women dried up significantly. I joke with my wife that I don’t wear my ring “to protect our marriage.”

  5. Bobbt,

    Sometimes when you’re surrounded by those who act in certain ways repeatedly—and for for a long enough period of time, even the most inappropriate behavior can begin to be considered “normal”. Amazing, isn’t it?

  6. I remember in high school my friends telling me that the best way to get a girl was to get a girl. In other words seeing you in a committed relationship with a girl suddenly made you a viable mate to all the other girls in the school. It was like you were now “female approved” whereas before you may not have even been on their radar. I wonder if a similar principal is at play with older women seeing married men.

    On another note hearing the story in this article reminded me of what I’ve seen at so many parties: Two guys battling it out for a woman and her not only realizing what was happening, but just sort of sitting back and encouraging it until she determined a victor. I remember a couple of times when I was talking to a woman and it going well until another guy would just sort of aggressively interject himself into the conversation. Since I have no “game” whatsoever, I’d usually be unable to do anything, but what was interesting to me was how the woman would react in these situations. They would always sort of pick up on the way the other guy had “out-alphaed” me and from then on they would give all their attention to the new guy, even if we had been talking for some time. It was like I was no longer attractive to them after what happened. I hate to be that guy, but I understand why so many men are obsessed with being “alpha”.

  7. I am not interested in married men, but when I was younger and single, I was hit on by married men all the time. The attention from these men was sometimes flattering. I was a fairly shy, insecure young woman and I didn’t have much confidence about my sex appeal. I am ashamed to admit I had a brief fling with a 45 year old married guy when I was 29. The attention was intoxicating for a short time. He made me feel sexier and more desirable than any of the single 20-30-something guys I’d been dating. He had a successful career and a lot of money. He also had a nice wife and 2 lovely children and I felt like sh!t about it. Anyway, I can see how some women, with less sense of ethics perhaps, could get addicted to the thrill of an illicit affair as well as the excitement of being the sexy bad girl/temptress. It’s not for me. But for women who want it, there are a ton of willing married men out there. Just sayin’

  8. Jack,

    Pre-approval is an interesting concept when applied to the relationship dynamic, isn’t it? Some would say the whole “liking someone just because SOMEBODY ELSE likes them first” phenomenon is primarily more of a female thing than a man thing—-but I’m not sure that it’s always so cut and dried. We’ve all heard stories of how this phenomenon works in the opposite direction for both genders. How many times have we seen a group of guys “shame” or “berate” some weak-willed guy over who he’s chosen to go out with—until he either dumps her or starts sneaking around with her instead ?

    In regards to the whole “Be an Alpha Man” obsession that has really seemed to taken root these days, I would argue that ANY guy who changes the CORE of who he is just to attract women is really a follower more than he is a leader. Sure, upgrading who you are for the better is always good—-but becoming one of those guys who goes into artificial macho-mode to impress a chick is really not always necessary.

    I’ve found that unless a woman is physically grabbed and taken away from you—if she goes for the other guy, it’s usually because of one of four things:

    1. She wasn’t really that attracted to you or “into” you in the first place—and she finds the new guy more attractive regardless of whatever “Faux-Alpha” vibe he’s trying to give off.

    2. You haven’t spent enough time engaging her yet to emotionally anchor in a good impression with her.

    3. She’s a passion parasite who loves basking in as much attention that she can get from as many random guys as possible.

    4. You could have said or revealed something during your conversation with her that either bored her or turned her off for some reason (to cut through the bull—see reason number one again)

    Of course there are actually many more reasons that this that explains why women pick one dude out of the crowd rather than another, but those are the primary ones.

    • I’ve seen many other men fall into the same type of situation I described in my post as well and I’ve asked some women for their thoughts on why this happens. One woman told me that she would assume the guy who was more aggressive “wanted it more”, while the guy who wasn’t able to fend him off would come off as less interested. Another told me that for a one night stand she wanted a man who would be aggressive and passionate in bed and she would doubt a man’s ability if he allowed another man to take over the in the way I described, while the other man had made a good case for himself. So unfortunately, both of these points do seem to tie into the whole “be alpha” stuff. Not that the points you raised weren’t also valid reasons, and I certainly don’t plan on changing the core of who I am for anyone, but I think the reasons I listed are probably very common as well.

  9. There are women who actually have instant CHEMISTRY with a man and find out later that he is married.
    When 2 men are hitting on the same woman, if she does not have an agenda, she will most likely go for the one she has CHEMISTRY with. Men are typically CLUELESS as to when a woman is actually attracted to them. When another male is making a play the competition begins, she just sits back, watches and then makes her choice.
    But it takes all types. Don’t forget, women make their own money and quite a few don’t “need” a man. They take what they want.
    That chick probably didn’t have chemistry with the single guy anyway.

    • DBeee!,

      When you say that most men are clueless as to when a woman actually likes them, that is a very true statement. Here’s another true statement to add to it:

      There are a lot of men who are just as clueless when a woman DOESN’T like them too.

      Most women (the classier ones) are usually more subtle with the indicators of romantic interest that they show to men. However, they are also just as subtle with their indicators of ROMANTIC DISINTEREST as well. If they’re kind or non-confrontational, they’ll try to spare the guy’s feelings by entertaining his conversation until someone better comes along. Or, if they’re unkind or inconsiderate, they’ll act rudely or dismissive towards him hoping that he’ll “figure out” that they’re waiting for someone better to come along.

      In the case in question, I would bet a wad of cash in Vegas on the fact that this particular woman had an agenda. And spending her time with a legally, and potentially emotionally AVAILABLE single man was not part of it.

  10. I feel like the most obvious ones were nowhere on this list.

    they go for married men because they believe that all the best men are already taken, so its competition.

    a modification of #4 – they go for married men because they are terrified of commitment so they would rather abuse themselves in a situation with someone they know won’t work out, than be in a relationship with someone that might actually work out.

  11. Kat,

    Yes. The emotional unavailability that women who go for married men display is very pronounced. Nothing is MORE attractive to a woman who’s afraid of commitment than a man that’s ALREADY committed.

  12. As long as there are an army of chicks with “questionable ethics” who’d rather SHARE a man than have one for their very own—-this epidemic of single women targeting married men will continue.

  13. I am a happily married woman. 2nd marriage. My husband was single and never married before. The marriage is great without any baggage from past marriages or relationships. My husband is a wonderful man. 1st husband was married before with major baggage. I don’t know what these women chasing married men hope to get even if they do catch them.
    I have seen these women going after married men. When I was single and dating I was shocked with the married men on dating sites. They see it as perfectly normal to date.I rejected any of their offers. I have had the guts to live single and there was no way I could respect them. These guys are selfish and gutless.
    The women who choose these guys have to have some major emotional issues. Interesting to red the comments on this subject. Insightful!

  14. Interesting, wanted to know what is the ratio of such type of women among hundred…:-)

Speak Your Mind