Top 4 Reasons Why Some Single Women Go After Married Men

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A man asks Victory Unlimited why women seem to choose his married friends over him.

This Letter to Headquarters comes from Chris. He’s 29, from Minneapolis, Minnesota:


Chris writes:

Hello, I just found out about the victory unlimited show, and I’ve got to say that I’ve never heard anything like it. Keep up the good work, soldier! Anyway, I’m writing you to tell you about something that’s been happening a lot lately. Quite a few times over the past year I’ve been meeting single, attractive women who are involved with married guys. Hey, it happens. It’s lame and it’s wack—but I can accept that it happens.

But, what just really got to me was what happened last week. I was at an upscale party that our law firm was hosting and I met this woman who was a guest of one of the paralegals. I was with another male colleague of mine when we met, so both of us were hitting on her——-which is a hell of a thing because my colleague is married. But I didn’t put his business out there because I didn’t know how far this married guy would take it.

Well, it turned into somewhat of a competition between him and me. All things being equal, both of us were pretty evenly matched. We’re pretty much tit-for tat in most areas—–looks, money, suaveness, boldness, and sense of humor. Although, I think my sense of humor is a little sharper than his.

Anyway, while we were both talking with her, I noticed that I had the edge, and she was about to leave the party with me but suddenly changed her mind AFTER my colleague finally said out loud that he was married, but that still didn’t change the fact that he thought she was the most attractive woman there. Well, for some strange reason, those must have been the magic words, because shortly after that——-she told me it was nice meeting me and then they both got up and left together. I was just sitting there shocked as hell.

Then the woman from the paralegal department who invited her saw them both leaving, so she came and sat next to me. She told me don’t feel bad or take it personally because her friend tends to only date married guys. I turned around and asked her why but she didn’t give me an answer. She just shrugged her shoulders and went and rejoined the party. Yo, V.U., don’t you leave me hanging too, can you tell me what makes a single girl prefer to date married guys.


Victory Unlimited writes:

Chris, it looks like what you’ve just run into is an available woman that’s got a thing for unavailable men, which makes her totally unavailable to you—a single man. This is an odd scenario, isn’t it? Single, attractive women who chase married men are a single man’s nightmare. And the more attracted to that girl that the single man is, the scarier and the more confusing a nightmare situation it is.

Why do I say that? That’s because to most single men, especially single men who are out looking for something more than just sex or a one night stand—these women are totally uninterested in them regardless of who they are or how much these men have achieved in their lives. Most of the time, single women who go for married men either consciously or subconsciously like the idea of being in pseudo relationships—relationships that don’t have any potential of requiring them to make any real commitments to the men in return.

Forget those lyrics that you heard from listening to old Beyonce songs:

These women don’t want you to “put a ring on it”. No, if you tried to give these chicks a ring—-they’d “run from it.”

Why do they do this? Well, there are many reasons why single women go for married men instead of single men—but today you will be briefed on just the top four. Read this, learn this, and commit this to memory for the purpose of protecting your heart and for the purpose of saving yourself some angst in the future.


The Top 4 Reasons why Chicks have a thing for guys with Rings


Number One

Some women go for married guys because they didn’t know the guys were married when they first met them. In cases like this, the women are usually lied to or somehow tricked by these men into thinking that they’re single. When this happens, most women should get a pass. It’s not really their fault. But the day they DO find out that these guys are married, and yet STILL continue to choose to hook up with them is the day they get that pass revoked.

Number Two

Some women go for married guys because they’re women of questionable ethics and moral standards who don’t want a committed relationship anyway—they just want a man sometimes—not all the time. They usually just want a man for certain things—things that they get some kind of self-gratification from. They usually date married men for money or sex. They’re into married guys to take, not to give. They ain’t in it for love, they’re in it for convenience.

Number Three

Some women go for married guys because they’re Bomb Level Babes—explosively attractive women who want to see just how “bomb level” they really are by seducing and stealing married men from their wives. Married men are the ultimate prize.These women are predators who hunt for the fun and challenge of it. But on the real, for them, it’s really just a power trip.

And Number Four

Some women go for married guys because they’re women who have such a low opinion of men that they think they’re all the same. To these women, there’s no difference between a married man and a single one. So because they don’t really have any positive expectations for any long term relationships with men, and because they no longer entertain any hope of ever having a man all to themselves, they don’t really see any reason not to date a married man

Now, we could spend all day diving even deeper into each of these four reasons, but we don’t have that kind of time—so I wanted to at least brief you on the essentials of what you need to know. Chris, the girl you were targeting at that party is probably a babe that belongs in category Number Two.

The reason I say this is because if your onsite assessment of the situation is correct, and you and your married coworker really are roughly equal in terms of your attractiveness, charm, and financial status—and she was flirting back with each of you guys equally as hard—and you didn’t make any dumb, attraction-killing mistakes while you were talking to her—AND her whole focused shifted off of you and onto the other guy the moment she found out he was married—then you better believe that this chick is the type that compartmentalizes men so she can use them for certain things and for certain times.

Nine out of ten times, she’s a high maintenance woman who is more about getting what she wants rather than giving a guy what he wants. That is, unless, of course he wants something from her that she already happens to be in a mood to give—and it’s a convenient time for her to give it.

Regardless, I’ll bet she probably was gorgeous. However, you really have no choice but to suck it up, forget about her, and keep it moving. Your mission is to keep soldiering on until you find a woman who is worth your time and is available for you and interested enough in you to want to spend the time it takes to get to know you.

Also, if you still have any nagging doubts as to what kind of woman she is, remember what her own friend told you about her after she left you to go hook up with that married guy. She basically told you point blank that her friend has a HABIT of hooking up with married guys. So spare yourself drama, further rejection, and frustration by taking heed of what she said to you.

And lastly, the Hardcore Truth is this:

Whenever a woman shows you by her actions what she really wants—pay attention the first time, and go ahead and believe what you see.


Originally appeared at Victory Unlimited Show


Photo: Flickr/ToOb

About Victory Unlimited

The Victory Unlimited Show is a tongue-in-cheek, self-help show for men that's reminiscent of programs from the Golden Age of Radio like The Shadow, The Green Hornet, and Flash Gordon. During each broadcast, the host codenamed "Victory Unlimited" answers dating, relationship, and life strategy questions from men by addressing them with a motivational, military-like intensity. You can listen to the show and read more articles here:


  1. SpeakingTheTruth says:

    Women that go after married men are Nothing But Trouble.

  2. Because they’re Trouble makers.

  3. I’m trying to figure out if a female friend of mine falls into category 2 or 3. She describes herself as being a sexual person with no interests in one-night stands, and tends toward relationships for sexual expression, but she’s open to chasing after married men. She’s also retreaded old ground with an ex or two. She’s not looking for a relationship right now but appears to want sex without the stigma of the one-night stand.

  4. I’m one of those perpetually single females, despite being intelligent and beautiful. Perhaps I don’t seem approachable, or I seem intimidating. I’ve had two male coworkers tell me that my vibe is that of someone who would rather be alone than put up with a loser. This is very true, but I don’t see that as a bad thing – I’ve been through the wringer relationship-wise.

    I also live in a section of a city where most available men are drug addicts or alcoholics, with bouts of unemployment. Most wear filthy clothes all the time and are covered in tattoos. I’m more of an intellectual myself, so those types simply do not appeal to me. I’ve tried to date alcoholics and drug addicts, but it just doesn’t work.

    That said, I am being tempted by a married man at this time. I do believe something I read once, that married men seek out a certain type of woman who is “vulnerable.” Yet my question is why don’t intelligent, decent single men see this vulnerability in me and pursue me like the married types do?

    I have not had an affair with a married man before, but I have been single for two years now and am just feeling lonely. I want someone to talk to. I have my standards, but keeping them has been keeping me single, ironically. Like I said, I’ve tried the druggies and alcoholics. This time, I’m considering just a fling with a married man just to have someone there, at least part time. I’m not looking for emotional investment.

    Life is difficult and tests us often. However, we are all human, and women like me who are tired of being single will eventually succumb to a persistent married man because they know we’re vulnerable and we see them as being our only last resort. I’ve turned down many other married men before, but I can’t keep remaining alone. We humans were not built for that.

    I also “had the guts to live single.” And I’m tired of it. Life isn’t fair, perfect or ideal. I don’t know if I can resist this latest temptation, because years of being single does wear one down.

    • Dear Tifa and anyone else who is thinking about getting involved with a married man
      There are many books available on amazon on how to make yourself more approachable and irresistable to single decent men. There are also books explaining what men think of women who have relationships with married men. You can actually click onto these books to read some of what is written inside. Here is a few to begin with, ACT LIKE A LADY, THINK LIKE A MAN. BY STEVE HARVEY
      ANGELS AND ASSHOLES BY DR MYSTERIOUS THE POWER OF THE PUSSY PART 2 BY KARA KING Single men go for women with integrity morals and standards. Married men go for women they believe or hope luck those qualities. When a woman chooses to get involved with a married man she is not only lowering her standards but also intruding on his marriage, even if he approached her first does not mean that she has to say yes to him. But once she does she destroys her reputation for good. Affairs very rarely remain a secret for long, and when the truth comes out, he can work on his marriage while her reputation will remain mud. Getting involved with a married man will bring you nothing but trouble,usually in the form of his wife!!

  5. Tsach Gilboa says:

    What about the women? Is it OK for them to go after married men, regardless of the reason? Are they at all responsible for getting in the middle an established relationship, regardless of its nature? When are character, values and accountability coming into this?

    I was single, in relationships, married and now single again. I was always faithful when married and when in a relationship and would never go after a married woman. It’s a question of maturity, morals and common sense.

  6. Anonymous says:

    The primary reason I would date a married man is because I am truly not looking for a relationship with anyone. If he is married, I can tell him to go away for a couple of weeks because I need my space. he should not complain. He is married. He cannot ask questions of where I have been or what I am doing. Not his business. When he sees me, he sees me.

  7. Interesting, wanted to know what is the ratio of such type of women among hundred…:-)

  8. I am a happily married woman. 2nd marriage. My husband was single and never married before. The marriage is great without any baggage from past marriages or relationships. My husband is a wonderful man. 1st husband was married before with major baggage. I don’t know what these women chasing married men hope to get even if they do catch them.
    I have seen these women going after married men. When I was single and dating I was shocked with the married men on dating sites. They see it as perfectly normal to date.I rejected any of their offers. I have had the guts to live single and there was no way I could respect them. These guys are selfish and gutless.
    The women who choose these guys have to have some major emotional issues. Interesting to red the comments on this subject. Insightful!

  9. As long as there are an army of chicks with “questionable ethics” who’d rather SHARE a man than have one for their very own—-this epidemic of single women targeting married men will continue.

  10. Kat,

    Yes. The emotional unavailability that women who go for married men display is very pronounced. Nothing is MORE attractive to a woman who’s afraid of commitment than a man that’s ALREADY committed.

  11. I feel like the most obvious ones were nowhere on this list.

    they go for married men because they believe that all the best men are already taken, so its competition.

    a modification of #4 – they go for married men because they are terrified of commitment so they would rather abuse themselves in a situation with someone they know won’t work out, than be in a relationship with someone that might actually work out.

  12. There are women who actually have instant CHEMISTRY with a man and find out later that he is married.
    When 2 men are hitting on the same woman, if she does not have an agenda, she will most likely go for the one she has CHEMISTRY with. Men are typically CLUELESS as to when a woman is actually attracted to them. When another male is making a play the competition begins, she just sits back, watches and then makes her choice.
    But it takes all types. Don’t forget, women make their own money and quite a few don’t “need” a man. They take what they want.
    That chick probably didn’t have chemistry with the single guy anyway.

    • DBeee!,

      When you say that most men are clueless as to when a woman actually likes them, that is a very true statement. Here’s another true statement to add to it:

      There are a lot of men who are just as clueless when a woman DOESN’T like them too.

      Most women (the classier ones) are usually more subtle with the indicators of romantic interest that they show to men. However, they are also just as subtle with their indicators of ROMANTIC DISINTEREST as well. If they’re kind or non-confrontational, they’ll try to spare the guy’s feelings by entertaining his conversation until someone better comes along. Or, if they’re unkind or inconsiderate, they’ll act rudely or dismissive towards him hoping that he’ll “figure out” that they’re waiting for someone better to come along.

      In the case in question, I would bet a wad of cash in Vegas on the fact that this particular woman had an agenda. And spending her time with a legally, and potentially emotionally AVAILABLE single man was not part of it.

  13. Jack,

    Pre-approval is an interesting concept when applied to the relationship dynamic, isn’t it? Some would say the whole “liking someone just because SOMEBODY ELSE likes them first” phenomenon is primarily more of a female thing than a man thing—-but I’m not sure that it’s always so cut and dried. We’ve all heard stories of how this phenomenon works in the opposite direction for both genders. How many times have we seen a group of guys “shame” or “berate” some weak-willed guy over who he’s chosen to go out with—until he either dumps her or starts sneaking around with her instead ?

    In regards to the whole “Be an Alpha Man” obsession that has really seemed to taken root these days, I would argue that ANY guy who changes the CORE of who he is just to attract women is really a follower more than he is a leader. Sure, upgrading who you are for the better is always good—-but becoming one of those guys who goes into artificial macho-mode to impress a chick is really not always necessary.

    I’ve found that unless a woman is physically grabbed and taken away from you—if she goes for the other guy, it’s usually because of one of four things:

    1. She wasn’t really that attracted to you or “into” you in the first place—and she finds the new guy more attractive regardless of whatever “Faux-Alpha” vibe he’s trying to give off.

    2. You haven’t spent enough time engaging her yet to emotionally anchor in a good impression with her.

    3. She’s a passion parasite who loves basking in as much attention that she can get from as many random guys as possible.

    4. You could have said or revealed something during your conversation with her that either bored her or turned her off for some reason (to cut through the bull—see reason number one again)

    Of course there are actually many more reasons that this that explains why women pick one dude out of the crowd rather than another, but those are the primary ones.

    • I’ve seen many other men fall into the same type of situation I described in my post as well and I’ve asked some women for their thoughts on why this happens. One woman told me that she would assume the guy who was more aggressive “wanted it more”, while the guy who wasn’t able to fend him off would come off as less interested. Another told me that for a one night stand she wanted a man who would be aggressive and passionate in bed and she would doubt a man’s ability if he allowed another man to take over the in the way I described, while the other man had made a good case for himself. So unfortunately, both of these points do seem to tie into the whole “be alpha” stuff. Not that the points you raised weren’t also valid reasons, and I certainly don’t plan on changing the core of who I am for anyone, but I think the reasons I listed are probably very common as well.

  14. I am not interested in married men, but when I was younger and single, I was hit on by married men all the time. The attention from these men was sometimes flattering. I was a fairly shy, insecure young woman and I didn’t have much confidence about my sex appeal. I am ashamed to admit I had a brief fling with a 45 year old married guy when I was 29. The attention was intoxicating for a short time. He made me feel sexier and more desirable than any of the single 20-30-something guys I’d been dating. He had a successful career and a lot of money. He also had a nice wife and 2 lovely children and I felt like sh!t about it. Anyway, I can see how some women, with less sense of ethics perhaps, could get addicted to the thrill of an illicit affair as well as the excitement of being the sexy bad girl/temptress. It’s not for me. But for women who want it, there are a ton of willing married men out there. Just sayin’

  15. I remember in high school my friends telling me that the best way to get a girl was to get a girl. In other words seeing you in a committed relationship with a girl suddenly made you a viable mate to all the other girls in the school. It was like you were now “female approved” whereas before you may not have even been on their radar. I wonder if a similar principal is at play with older women seeing married men.

    On another note hearing the story in this article reminded me of what I’ve seen at so many parties: Two guys battling it out for a woman and her not only realizing what was happening, but just sort of sitting back and encouraging it until she determined a victor. I remember a couple of times when I was talking to a woman and it going well until another guy would just sort of aggressively interject himself into the conversation. Since I have no “game” whatsoever, I’d usually be unable to do anything, but what was interesting to me was how the woman would react in these situations. They would always sort of pick up on the way the other guy had “out-alphaed” me and from then on they would give all their attention to the new guy, even if we had been talking for some time. It was like I was no longer attractive to them after what happened. I hate to be that guy, but I understand why so many men are obsessed with being “alpha”.

    • Not all women think like that …. I think it is really stupid to like a guy because he is with a girl o woman… but there are many who think that way …. One day I was walking with my brother and he told me that when he goes out with me women seek more when he was alone. It is worst if a woman is very beautiful……

  16. Bobbt,

    Sometimes when you’re surrounded by those who act in certain ways repeatedly—and for for a long enough period of time, even the most inappropriate behavior can begin to be considered “normal”. Amazing, isn’t it?

  17. This isn’t a new phenomenon by any means. Many years ago, while refurbishing a section of highway, I became friends with a civil engineer ( an inspector) on the project. We were about the same age and both married for a couple of years at the time. I came to realize that he was quite the ‘Playa’, so when we stopped at a bar one day after work (a place he frequented) and he took off his wedding ring I figured” Oh, here we go” (Now, I’ve never worn my wedding ring, because it can be a hazard in my line of work, plus I don’t like wearing jewelry ). Anyway, he said to me that he took it off so the women in the place would leave us alone. I said WHAT! He said that the women that frequent this place were looking for married men to ‘Hook Up’ with. That they wanted ‘noncommittal sex’ and that many of them were in fact married themselves! It was quite an eye opener!

    • Cornelius Walker says:

      Glad to know I’m not the only one who does this.

      The way it was explained to me was that married men are attractive because:

      1) obviously someone found you marriageable material, whereas that single 37yo guy is a big unknown (and probably has major character defects that leave him un-partnered)
      2) if you’re not looking for an LTR, married men are safer because they’re less likely to get all clingy or jealous on you

      Once I stopped wearing my wedding ring on business trips I found the interest from women dried up significantly. I joke with my wife that I don’t wear my ring “to protect our marriage.”

  18. East Cost Em says:

    Gotta speak up from the woman’s point of view.

    Let me start by saying that I am not someone who’s interested in married guys. However, one thing I have definitely noticed is the ease with which married men carry themselves, particularly compared to single men. Those partnered-up guys are secure in their masculinity and with their social position. That kind of confidence is appealing, as opposed to spending time in the company of guys who are neurotic or emotionally needy.

    • East,

      Everyone loves a winner. Some women go for married men because they think of them as “pre-approved” in a way. There are women who are drawn to the lack of desperation that some married men have. However, I wonder how many of those women would be as equally attracted to SINGLE men who aren’t so sexually thirsty and eager to please?

    • Hmm, just maybe the fact that their emotionally needy and neurotic explains why they in fact are single, … just sayin’?

  19. JoAnne Dietrich says:

    There are definitely women like that. They just want to have great sex. They don’t want the “work” of a relationship. There are also men who chase married women for the same reason. It is unfortunate. Some people lack morals and integrity.

  20. Great piece, exploring one of those mysteries of life. Just had the conversation with a friend of mine who’s getting married at the end of the month. I think you might also consider adding those women who are so TERRIFIED of true intimacy that they will go for the safe guy who can’t have a deep relationship with them. Could be a subset of unavailable category.
    Take care,
    Adam Sheck

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