Many men suffer silently with insecurities. Here are the top seven, according to research.
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In the book, Seven Deep Insecurities Men Don’t Want Women to Know, author Sheri Ragland shares the story of her husband Robert’s life and struggles with his insecurities. To learn more about the top insecurities that men struggle with, she sent a comprehensive survey to over 5,000 men between ages 18-25. Through her research, she discovered the top seven insecurities that men don’t want women to know about.
She also reveals the antidote to those insecurities—the psychological, physical, and spiritual components necessary for healthy relationships. Ragland encourages men to acknowledge their insecurities and have healthy, open discussions with their partners through effective and meaningful communication.
Following are loosely transcribed highlights of my interview with Sheri Ragland on Last First Date Radio as we discussed the top seven insecurities men don’t want women to know.
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The 7 Insecurities Men Don’t Want Women to Know
What are the seven insecurities about men that you discovered in your research?
#1. Negative thoughts:
These are the lingering thoughts that develop in childhood in response to negative things that happened, such as abuse, lack of love, provoking, lack of respect, and controlling parents.
Negative thoughts can lead to poor communication and aggression in a relationship.
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Negative thoughts can lead to poor communication and aggression in a relationship. If you’re dwelling on negative thinking, it’s a sign that you need to change your thinking. You need to address the issues of your past and deal with them to have a healthy relationship.
#2. Lack of open-mindedness
In relationships, you’re not willing to listen or embrace your partner’s way of thinking. You’re acting on pride or ego, and it’s a form of control that pushes your partner away.
#3. Manhood
The definition of ‘manhood’ changes depending on your culture and age. “A man’s behavior is also influenced by his beliefs, values, and philosophies. According to our research, manhood is often referred to as a man’s sexual behavior. But, that’s one-dimensional.
Understanding who you are as a man will help you put things into perspective in your relationship.
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It can include a man’s emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, and spiritual wellbeing; a multi-dimensional philosophy that’s more representative of a man’s total being.” “Understanding who you are as a man will help you put things into perspective in your relationship.” “Don’t be afraid to talk about your innermost thoughts with your partner.” Men and women need to share thoughts in order to promote equality and respect.
#4. Pride
This looks like, “I’m going to do what I want to do when I want to do it”. These are men value their own opinion above their partner, which leads to arguments and miscommunication. Pride is another form of negative thinking and often stems from low self-worth. Work on open communication with your partner, sharing in decision making, and giving up the need to be right.
#5. Low self-esteem
Men with low self-esteem can present as needing to always be right. They are quick to blame and very temperamental. They also often seek partners with low self-esteem. Many men with low self-worth don’t realize it. It’s often due to how you were raised. If you don’t value yourself, you won’t value your partner.
#6. Making less than your partner
There’s a lot of role-shifting today where men are home or making less than their partner, and women are out making the money. This can create an identity crisis for many men, where they feel less-than. Recognize if there’s financial tension in your relationship, and discuss finances openly with your partner.
#7. Performance issues
Most sexual performance issues occur in men over 50. Sexual challenges can happen with both men and women as hormones change. This can affect a man’s feelings about his manhood as well. It’s important to discuss sexual issues with your partner. Sex is not just about erections and the ability to perform. It’s about intimacy and connection as well. Talk about it.
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What causes these insecurities?
Our environment influences so much. You learn thoughts and interpret them according to your environment: how your mother and father treated you, your culture, whether you had two loving parents, etc.
Around age 12, your beliefs and values are interpreted and you respond the way you’ve learned according to your background.
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What happened to your husband that negatively influenced his relationships with women?
Robert grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, very poor, his father wasn’t around, and his mother was abusive—physically and mentally. He was still a happy child.
As a teen, his mom tried to control his behavior. She used mental and physical abuse, and he internalized that into anger. He began to have all kinds of problems in relationships. He had fought to gain respect and to defend himself. His relationships began to fail, and he received [negative] feedback from people. He didn’t believe it at first. And after a few [relationships] failed, he realized there must be truth in what people were saying.
After [he became aware], he realized he had to do something. He began to change. It began with his thinking. He began to think about the course of his life, and he built healthier relationships. It took time, and it was well into his late thirties and forties when he began to see the results of his changes.
Our relationship is wonderful now. We have learned to communicate and listen and be respectful and open-minded.
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What strategies would you suggest to help men overcome these insecurities?
Recognize that you have problems. Build trust so you can communicate openly, especially your insecurities and your feelings. Brainstorm together about solutions and strategy planning to resolve the issues.
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In your book, you mention the importance of healthy communication. Can you share one of your favorite communication tools?
De-escalation. Calm discussions. Best not to talk when heated. Don’t accuse or blame. Don’t point fingers or bring up the past.
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What’s your most important message about how to have a successful relationship?
Communicate with your partner about anything, even your insecurities. Discuss it calmly, effectively, and openly.
To listen to the episode, click here.
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Have your insecurities affected your relationships? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Source: 30dB.com – Open Mindedness
“Guys, open mindedness is a plus, at least according to social media where it indexes at 82% positive. Closed mindedness on the other hand is not surprisingly the flip-side coming in at 81% negative. Try hitting the Compare button and adding in Closed Mindedness to see the comparison of the two.” — Howard K. 36db
A version of this article appeared on Sandy’s website, LastFirstDate.com
photo: Flickr/Ingrid Richter
”Around age 12, your beliefs and values are interpreted and you respond the way you’ve learned according to your background.” Around the age of 12, or perhaps 14, I’ve learned from my parents, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, and girls, that I simply wasn’t good enough. That my happiness was very much subordinate to their comfort. And regarding the “Performance issue”… At the age of 30 I had a girlfriend. We had sessions where I would stroke and caress her for the better part of an hour, or even more. And I was caressing all of her (although admittedly some parts… Read more »
DJ, Thanks for weighing in with your interesting work-relationship story. I’m not surprised you had the self-worth to walk away, not keep knocking your head against the proverbial wall, hoping that somehow he’d change, like so many do in toxic romantic relationships. I agree, professional help is usually necessary when dealing with these deep insecurities, especially when a person comes from a home where verbal and physical abuse were confused for love as with the man in the article. The most important thing to remember is that a person must WANT to change. We can’t FIX people. We can only… Read more »
Not sure how this one slipped by me, Sandy, but I know that guy. Heck, I think my first wife was his sister! I’m surprised that there have been no comments, but I think that may, perhaps, be because it rings so true. I know that the author spoke of the overbearing, even abusive mother, and I know that happens, but I’ve also seen it with fathers. I’m not talking outright abuse by either parent, but the constant berating, small digs, ego deflating tactics that eat away at a person’s psyche like Chinese water torture…drop, but drop, by drop. I… Read more »