Is loneliness an existential condition or a biological function?
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I asked four men three questions about loneliness: Do you ever feel lonely? Have you identified what the cause of your loneliness is? What do you do when you feel lonely to overcome it? I need to write about loneliness, ‘cause loneliness is on my mind these days. It doesn’t seem that my loneliness as a female is experienced any differently than a males. I hope that by writing about my state, I offer you comfort by saying “me too,” while I help myself in the process. Tackling this as my topic for the week has forced me to reach out to others (hello connection).
The answers varied only slightly, but all four acknowledged bouts of loneliness, one man saying he was “lonely as f**k.” The common theme was either the quality of and/or absence of, key relationships, like an intimate partner, a parent or child.
One profound response was: “Yes, I have felt lonely. The cause is almost always a sense that important people in my life do not want to understand my perspective on something, or that they … are not capable of understanding. That sense creates a disconnect from those people which help form my sense of value and self-worth.”
He goes on to say: “As for over coming the sense of loneliness. I remind myself: all things change — understanding may come at a later date; my emotions are not reality — what I feel is only true now and will change as I change what I am doing; and, to always make the attempt to understand and be understood if I want that person in my life.” Distraction, looking forward to something, utilizing social media, and accessing new social groups and activities were also named as means of overcoming loneliness. Volunteering with a group that is aligned to your passions or values is another recommended method of overcoming disconnect.
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On the topic of social media, there is highly conflictive research on whether its usage is harmful or helpful. I know for me, it can go either way. Most times, I enjoy and appreciate the connection I get through social media. However, when I am already feeling lonely, seeing pictures of groups out socializing can be a nail in the coffin.
Loneliness is subjective. I lean to the introverted side, so connection to me is an intimate conversation with one or two people at a time. If you put me into a party situation, not only will I feel overwhelmed quickly, but chances are, this type of social event will act as a trigger for loneliness. I have a friend who never seems to be without someone by her side. Eight people live in her home, yet she wants the additional stimulation of having someone else around her as well. Her house drives me crazy and I can never stay for long. Don’t let anyone tell you that you “shouldn’t” feel lonely because of this or that in your life; your need for connection and social stimulation isn’t the same as mine.
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In the last couple of years I have become aware of a disconnect between some of the spiritual leaders I follow, and the researchers who use science to inform me. I value both perspectives equally; therefore, I find it very confusing and I wonder which side I am letting down when I experience loneliness and instinctively want to flee from the emotion. Have I failed myself somehow? Am I withdrawing from community thus effectively alienating others? Is it all in my head?
The spiritual leaders say that when I feel lonely, it is because of something lacking in me, and I need to sit with it, or lean into it and explore what the experience is trying to teach me. Apparently nobody can heal me of my loneliness but myself. I know I have been lonely in the past, within relationships, while out for dinner with my family, or when I was a single parent. So, I know that loneliness is something I have carried with me throughout my life regardless of the circumstances surrounding me, which is known as chronic or trait loneliness.
The scientists say we are hard-wired for connection, that we need companionship and a sense of belonging to survive. I also know my best days are when I have spent time with the people I enjoy and care about. I feel like I matter, that I have value, and that I would be missed if I died. Which allows me to view my loneliness as a circumstance of the day; this is known as transient or state loneliness. I don’t have to take any ownership of that feeling, I just have to ride it out.
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So, is loneliness a reaction to your external reality, or an internal condition; is loneliness habitual or reactive? The way you classify the source of the emotion dictates how you will respond to it. I have been attempting to treat my recent loneliness holistically, that is to say, I am applying both the spiritual teachings as well as what I have learned from science. Since my relationship ended a month ago, I have been actively deciding to reach out when I feel lonely or disconnected. Not to bitch or whine about my problems, but to ask the other how they are, to take the focus off myself, and to engage compassionately with someone else.
Gabby Bernstein says: “We live in a world where one in every four people feels that they have no one to talk to if they are in pain or suffering, and many feel disconnected from those around them . . . all because we have forgotten that one of the most important and consistent sources of our own happiness is compassion. It’s a restlessness we’re all feeling that is actually a critical calling to evolve and to rediscover our common truth—that we’re all one.”
Marie Forleo says we need presence in order to have connection with people. Our society has lost presence, there is no denying that, and I believe the directly linked outcome is the increase in loneliness that research bears out. Think about how you feel when your dinner companion is looking at their phone. The message they send you is that you are less important that whatever is happening on their phone. Almost everyone under the age of 50 needs to get mindful right now of how disrespectful we have become to our fellow human beings as a culture, and realize the impact this is having on our connection to one another, the only known antidote to loneliness.
Reading Brene Brown’s book, The Gift of Imperfections helped me start breaking down the thoughts of “specialness” I held about myself, which were actually isolating me and increasing my loneliness. Thinking you are different from others is a barrier to connecting to people. Pondering the ideology of the word Namaste helps remind me that we all bleed the same: no matter how someone is behaving or what they claim, deep within them is a soul longing for recognition. I am no different from you: we both want to be seen and valued, we both want to be loved, we both want to be missed.
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If you need any motivation to treat your loneliness as a “disease,” just go onto Wikipedia and learn about all the health risks associated to loneliness. One TED talk I listened to cited research that indicates loneliness is a bigger health risk to mortality than being obese or a smoker; chronic loneliness increases your odds of an early death by 45%.
Science and “common-sense” have produced differing depictions of loneliness; nonetheless, science is now proving that loneliness is not limited to people who lack social skills, are shy, or are loners.
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Stand-up comedian Giulia Rozzi says in her TEDx talk – Healing loneliness with laughter: “Everyone: fucked up, so what can you do but laugh at it?”
Another TEDx talk – The importance of loneliness, by philosopher and author Brendan Myers, touches on the stigma of talking about loneliness, a widespread and complicated experience that everyone undergoes at times. Brendan states there is no cure or prevention for loneliness because it is an existential condition, the price we pay for being in this world. He believes that only by facing our loneliness can we build better relationships through learning to create more space for connection. He ends his talk by challenging us to get in touch with an old friend we have lost contact with, someone who has been important to us.
And finally, in the TEDx talk – The lethality of loneliness, by author, professor and social neuroscientist John Cacioppo, we are invited to question our tendency to only believe science, until that science is discussing matters of our mind and behaviour that we consider to be “common-sense”. We are generally skeptical of science regarding the human experience. John considers loneliness a “biological early warning system” about impending damage to your social health, which motivates you to take action, no different from thirst, hunger or pain being a warning system for your body’s physical needs. Science and “common-sense” have produced differing depictions of loneliness; nonetheless, science is now proving that loneliness is not limited to people who lack social skills, are shy, or are loners.
For our species to survive, we have always been dependent on others to nurture and care for us, and this dependancy does not end when we hit the age of majority. To become an adult is not to be autonomous or independent, but to become one that others can depend on. Our evolutionary advantage depends on our “collective abilities,” rather than “individual might”.
“I walk a lonely road,
The only one that I have ever know,
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but it’s only me, and I walk alone,
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My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
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sometimes I wish someone out there will find me,
‘till then I walk alone.”
Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day, 2004
In writing this, what did I learn to share with you? That I am not alone in the way I experience the world, I am normal, and I am taking the correct action to assuage my loneliness. One statistic reported that in any given moment, up to 40% of our adult population feels lonely. Recognize the feeling as your brains signal to take action, don’t deny your social needs or deprive others of your company, be aware of the effects of loneliness on your body (scary), and respond to your needs.
Photo:Flick/Shahnoor Habib Munmun
Thank you for this article. This is the first time that I have been able to put a name or descriptor to the type of loneliness I felt growing up but also the different ways I have felt loneliness as an adult. I don’t believe that I am a true introvert but I do have trouble in social situations and the loneliness sometimes becomes overwhelming while there depending on who I am with. I find that if there is at least one or two people that I can trust and relax with, I can enjoy that time and get out… Read more »
Jed , I am glad you have offered a suggestion here to other men based on your experiences on how to manage the inevitable loneliness that hits us. I agree that most of the older men I know don’t have many, if any, friends they can turn to. It strikes me as so sad. My life is so much better for my friends. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Rebecca
Rebecca, Thanks for the fine article. I think loneliness is an important topic, particularly for men. As a clinician I know that the suicide rate for males is higher than it is for females at every age. But it goes up dramatically when we reach retirement age. Men, as a group, have fewer close friends than women and often have no one we can truly confide in. I’ve been a loner much of my life until I realized that I better do something about that. As the Eagles song, Desperado, reminds us, “We better let somebody love you…before its too… Read more »