A TV series scene sparks Derek Dupuis to think about his past, and reconsider what he once called failures.
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‘You end up becoming something you never intended. I guess you never really even know why’. Marty tells Rust in the HBO series True Detective, episode 7, as he reflects on the past ten years. Watching this, I found myself reflecting on my recent past.
I became someone whom I had never intended on becoming. A failed husband.
I came to be shamed into believing that I was not an adequate husband. Didn’t give enough, and not in the right way (quick reference to book ‘The 5 Love Languages’). So I believed, and accepted, that the marriage collapse was all my fault. It would take many therapy sessions before I could relinquish any of the blame to her. This happened only after I came to realize that we each brought our own baggage to the relationship. Two wounded, incomplete souls looking to complete each other. Yet neither with enough experience to manage such large expectations.
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It has been just under 2 years since my wife declared that she no longer wanted to be married. I have come to accept this fact, and am beginning to move on, albeit with a wall around my heart. So who am I now? Who do I want to be? How do I become open to loving and being loved again? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Literally, I am often awake before 5, unable to sleep, the cogs in my brain spinning too loudly. So, what answers am I finding?
That I am too hard on myself. That I am happier living in the moment and accepting that this relationship was just a part of my growth journey.
I did the best I could with the tools that I had at the time. And that is something. I truly did what I thought was my best, in all aspects of my life. And I continue to do so today as well. So why do I regret my recent failings?
Probably because I refer to them as failings.
So then, was I a failure? Logically I know the answer to be no. But do I know it and believe it well enough in my heart? Obviously not yet.
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My latest epiphany is that I have been carrying an idea of who I wanted to be as an adult, as a husband and father, created when I was only a teenager. Being from a broken family, my plan was to be the best father ever. My family would love me and we would be awesome together. Now that my family is no longer under one roof, that illusion is shattered. But should that prevent me from opening my heart today or tomorrow? Clearly nothing is guaranteed in life, but that shouldn’t stop me from trying again.
“Enjoy yourself and your life now, loving who you are presently and giving yourself grace and love as you navigate through the difficult but exciting evolution of you” – Great advice recently received from an amazing friend.
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Writing about this painful process has been very cathartic. Yet currently, my primary goal is to share my confusion, sadness and vulnerability as a way to help anyone else in a similar place. Many have helped me, and I wouldn’t be there today without numerous great friends, authors and therapists. We are all connected, and I seek to expand my own sense of connectedness. By reading this, you help me to achieve this goal. Thank you.
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Photo credit: bruckerrlb/flickr
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