Distant men are deep, thoughtful and articulate. But getting them to open up is an art.
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I am a distant man. I am quiet. I can be isolated.
There are many reasons for it, many of which I will talk about here.
Words never seem to be able to explain the heart. The spoken word can be imprecise and there does not seem to be an adequate amount of words or concepts to communicate what is going on inside.
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First, I want to say that as a distant man, I hate the label “distant man” and I resist writing about it. This might seem strange but bear with me. I think it is important that men who are quiet and aloof have a voice. I am not claiming to speak for every many who is distant, I just think it is important that we speak up. For me, there is an inner resistance to speaking up. It takes energy and emotional effort to articulate the words, which never seem to come out right.
Words never seem to be able to explain the heart. The spoken word can be imprecise and there does not seem to be an adequate amount of words or concepts to communicate what is going on inside. Sorry about this, it is not personal, it’s just that writing seems to get to the heart better than speaking.
This is especially true in groups. Group communication seems to be like a free for all, a gladiatorial effort to speak to, to speak at, or to speak over other people. When I attempt to communicate in that environment, my words feel butchered. Not by other people, and not intentionally. The conversational melee seems to create its own energy that can devour my words.
I don’t always have something to say, and I don’t always have to say something. I have a rich and a deep internal thought life, and I am happy with that. I just don’t always need to talk about it.
I don’t always have something to say, and I don’t always have to say something. I have a rich and a deep internal thought life, and I am happy with that. I just don’t always need to talk about it.
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I may be unique in this, I haven’t researched nor polled a group of distant men. My mental health is also part of the mix. I cannot separate it from my personality and my style of thinking or who I am. This is part of the resistance that I face when I think about speaking my mind. My mental health questions, it asserts, and it challenges when I move to divulge a part of myself through the spoken word.
For me, part of my distance also comes from my trauma. Growing up in my home created pain in my life. I have moved on from the pain as an adult, but the scars remain. I learned to bear my scars quietly and as an adult, it is difficult to break this habit.
How to approach a distant man
If you have a quiet, distant man in your life, I cannot begin to give you strategies to get him to come out of his shell. I can only share what I appreciate.
- Listen carefully to him. When he does speak, he uses words like old money. He spends them wisely. When he has something to say, he will say it.
- Ask him. I received an email from a friend, asking what she can do to support me. I appreciated it. We may not speak a lot of words, but you can always ask.
- Watch him. Often, the distant man will allow his actions to speak for him, or his music, or his art, or his writing. He is being articulate, you just have to look for it.
- Love him. Distant men may have their own quiet pain. It could be trauma, mental health, rejection or misunderstanding. Often quietness may carry a type of pain.
- Tell him that you want him to be part of a conversation then give him room. He may not speak up, or he may speak up in a different way than you imagined. Part of quietness is a desire to be independent.
To understand more about male healing, see Healing the Man Inside and To Heal, You Must Become the Art.
Last, are you a quiet, distant man? The Good Men Project needs your voice! Join us.
Keep it Real
Photo by Christopher Cook
Hi, and thank yo so much for sharing, for putting this into print.
I’m rather silent, perhaps introvert, I don’t know? Quite the opposite of what I was like as a kid so something happened along the way.
Some people have asked me why I don’t speak up more often. But when I do, they most often continue to interrupt me anyway, so what’s the point?
FlyingKal, Thank you for sharing your experience. Your frustration is well founded. Interruptions can be disrespectful. Despite that, relationships are important. I guess you have a choice: stay with your isolation or find ways to open up intentionally. It is a noisy world, so being an introvert is a challenge. I highly recommend “Quiet” by Susan Cain. The book has changed my life. You can also read this article on knowing if you are being too quiet: https://smswaby.wordpress.com/2016/01/13/quiet-leader-how-do-you-know-if-you-are-being-too-quiet/
Keep it Real
Pamela, You describe the quiet, distant man well. We can add caring to the list.
My man is a distant man. I feel comfortable with him since he always gives me space and never disturbs me for unimportant things. The best part is, he always listens to every thing I’ve said, though he didn’t seem to care. Amazingly he will remembers it years later even when I already forgot about it.
That is surprising, because you are a freaking chatter box on here,. I understand it, but that is because I’m the same type of guy…and that alone should further scare the shit out of you. I write like a chipmonk, the chattering never stops, but in life, in speech, I simply do not go there and I have almost all the characteristics of the introvert. Different with my wife, and my sarcastic sense of humor aids in allowing me to participate in conversation, but normally, I sit and watch and process and think rather then speak. The conversations are usally… Read more »
DJ, You busted me. When I write, I go on and on… Glad this post resonated with you. You write well about how you have found your voice through writing. Have you considered writing for GMP? We are looking for fellow distant men to speak their truth.
Yep, yep.
A few of the editors have invited me, which is good as I’d probably not have otherwise.
Have one in process right now regarding the strength of vulnerability, and how I came to realize it. I think it may help shift the understanding of what the word actually means in real life. Hope so anyway.
Thanks for the affirmation.