Have you ever questioned your lovability? Thomas Fiffer serves up a soulful heap of reassurance.
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Some of us have been with people and through experiences that have caused us to ask, “Am I unlovable? Is there something about me that just cannot be loved? Does my very being engender hatred, scorn, contempt, abuse, withdrawal of emotional support and affection, withholding of attention and love? Is it me, God, is it me? Do I deserve this shit? What on earth am I doing wrong?”
Unless you are by nature cruel, spiteful, mean-spirited, vindictive, stingy with your own gifts, unappreciative of others’ efforts and generosity, I can assure you, it isn’t you.
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Unless you are by nature cruel, spiteful, mean-spirited, vindictive, stingy with your own gifts, unappreciative of others’ efforts and generosity, I can assure you, it isn’t you.
I’ll say that again. It isn’t you.
And I suspect, if you’ve asked yourself the unlovable question, that you’re none of things I just mentioned. That you are, in fact, the opposite: kind and loving, understanding, compassionate, forgiving, generous, and accommodating to the point of sacrificing your self.
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The only aspect of your situation that’s in your control is the choices you’ve made and continue to make – the unhealthy people you choose to be around (such as dysfunctional partners and abusive bosses), the way you allow those you have to be around (family) to treat you, and the false hope you maintain that if you love these people just a little bit more, they’ll change their unhealthy behavior.
We’re wired to embrace change when it suits us and serves us and to resist it when it suits others and requires effort.
It takes a leap of faith, and trust in God’s direction, to take on the hard work of being the best we can be for another without sacrificing ourselves, and we can only do this when our effort is appreciated and returned.
If you’ve asked yourself the unlovable question, you’re probably around people who love you as long as you do what they want and dump on you when you don’t.
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If you’ve asked yourself the unlovable question, you’re probably around people who love you as long as you do what they want and dump on you and try to shame or manipulate you when you don’t.
These people may claim to love you. But they don’t respect you. And respect is an essential quality of love.
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First, if you believe, find your security in God’s love, which is offered freely to all.
Then, respect yourself and require respect from others as the price of walking through your door, the ticket to board your soul train, the key to unlock your chest of treasures.
If you consistently give yourself away, or let people take as much as they want without giving in return or showing appreciation, no one will value you. Set a firm, non-negotiable price …
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If you consistently give yourself away, or let people take as much as they want without giving in return or showing appreciation, no one will value you.
Set a firm, non-negotiable price, saying to yourself, I am worth it. I am worthy.
And if you feel unlovable, remember, it’s not you or what you’re offering.
It’s the blindness of others to your lovability.
It’s their own sad inability to love.
It isn’t you, my friend.
It isn’t you.
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This post was previously published on the Tom Aplomb blog and has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: hannah k. on Flickr
How can it always be the other people you are around? This seems false after a while. It is possible to feel unlovable not because of one relationship but many over a long period of lifetime. Including teachers, friends, co-workers, husband, family members. It is possible to be liked by people but not find or feel loved or lovable – that the deeper connection is just not made, that in essence you have already disappeared even though you are still there.
Good advice Thomas, but the use of the word “God” can be counterproductive to feeling loved. In fact, church may have been the place where we began to learn we might be unlovable. Many have come from faiths that preach “original sin” and that me must “fear” God. I find Eastern concepts of God more personal and less judgemental. God is not outside of me or in some heaven somewhere, but deep within, a personal God in constant dialog with me. When God becomes personal, there can be no concept of unlovability.
Personally for me, God is the embodiment of love. Although I do think people have experiences with other people within the church that easily makes them feel shamed and unloved unless they perform a certain way. But that’s error in people’s love, not God’s love or what he wants for us.
I think in church, when they talk about a “fear” of God, it’s about having reverence for God and his authority in a healthy way.
Thank you