John and Jane knew they couldn’t fix their marriage in a conventional way. It was time for a change and they decided something needed to die first.
____
Saving a marriage often requires you kill it first.
It’s like a doctor having to re-break a leg bone that tried to heal itself despite being infected and badly out of alignment. The only option is to break it again and allow it to heal from a healthier starting point.
John and Jane decided their marriage would never heal as it was. They had waited too long. A festering infection of self-righteousness, insecurity and resentment was scarring their hearts and polluting their minds.
So, in the quiet hours of a Sunday morning they nervously agreed to humanely euthanize their first marriage. It was time.
|
The good news was they both saw it and wanted to change it.
So, in the quiet hours of a Sunday morning they nervously agreed to humanely euthanize their first marriage. It was time. There was no more quality of life left. It was time for compassion – time to let it go.
It was a leap of faith. It was a commitment to each other that they weren’t going backward no matter what.
They just weren’t sure which way was forward.
♦◊♦
Doing it Differently This Time
The unorthodox approach they chose wasn’t just about killing their first marriage.
They knew their second marriage would be just like the first if they didn’t change everything.
They would commit to a process of personal accountability for BEING a better partner rather than demanding their partner be better.
|
Their previous attempts at marriage counseling seemed to make things worse. John and Jane subconsciously used the process to build a case against each other. They took their pain and frustration to counseling sessions in hopes of being heard and proving each other was to blame. Neither felt accountable for making any personal changes. So, they quit going and blamed each other for the failure.
This time around there would be no couple’s therapy. No more blame. No more excuses.
If their second marriage was to be successful, they would agree to work privately – apart from each other. They would commit to a process of personal accountability for BEING a better partner rather than demanding their partner be better.
For them, being a better partner had nothing to do with better communicating, compromising, sacrificing or negotiating. That’s not where they needed help.
Being a better partner meant improving their expectations.
♦◊♦
Toxic Expectations
Along with killing their first marriage, they would need to agree to kill some expectations. Both had accumulated a toxic collection of expectations of each other.
The biggest problem with expectations like these was that Jane and John never even thought about what they expected of THEMSELVES.
|
- I expect you to make me happy.
- I expect you to read my mind.
- I expect you to make me feel secure.
- I expect you to want sex when I want sex.
- I expect you to be perfect.
- I expect you to never disappoint me.
- I expect you to be more like me.
They learned that a list of expectations like these set them up for failure. Neither stood a chance of meeting those expectations. And when they predictably fell short, another argument ensued.
The biggest problem with expectations like these was that Jane and John never even thought about what they expected of THEMSELVES. They were so busy judging each other against the unattainable list of expectations, they were blind to how they were showing up to the party.
Without a clear understanding and commitment to their own standards of behavior, neither stood a chance of actually BEING a stronger, more loving and more intentional partner.
John and Jane knew this was the key to eliminating self-righteousness, insecurity and resentment in their new marriage.
And they both knew declaring and committing to their own standards of behavior was a personal journey. Setting new expectations for themselves was a private matter.
They weren’t negotiable, debatable, or up for discussion.
John and Jane agreed that they each needed to establish who they wanted to be in this marriage without the help of the other.
Their new self-expectations must be more important than the marriage itself.
♦◊♦
John and Jane’s List of Expectations
After a few weeks of private work with the professionals of their choice, John and Jane decided to compare notes. They had a babysitter come by on Friday evening and they headed out for dinner to a quaint restaurant not far from home.
At a corner table, under the light of a single candle, smiling and a little nervous, they exchanged lists and read quietly.
♦◊♦
John’s List
I will treat you with love, kindness, respect and compassion because I want to, not because I expect you to do the same.
I will respond to the natural stress and strain of our marriage from a place of love and strength without needing to find blame for my negative feelings.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI will pull my weight in our family and consistently maintain a sense of balance in everything needed to keep our family running smoothly.
I am responsible for my own moods, happiness, and sense of well-being.
I will respond to conflict with an open mind and calm demeanor. I will not waiver from and will stand up for my values of trust, respect and kindness within my family.
During disagreements, I want you to feel heard and respected more than I want to be right.
I will honor your insecurities and will never intentionally use them against you. I will never call you “crazy” again.
I will respect and support your need for personal time to recharge and to pursue personal goals and dreams.
I will be your most dependable and consistent source of strong emotional support, affection and intimacy of all types.
I will choose you everyday as my friend, my lover, and my partner.
Jane’s List
I will always treat you as a capable and caring husband and father
I will accept your love and allow you to comfort me
I will not withhold my affection to make a statement or to hurt you
I will not intentionally trigger your defenses when I am upset
I will always support your need for personal time alone so you can reconnect with those you love
I will not hold you responsible for making me happy and feeling good about myself
I will be generous with my respect and appreciation of you because I know how much it means to you
I will be direct about my needs and won’t expect you to know what I’m thinking or feeling
When we argue, I will treat you with the respect my man deserves
I will trust your intention toward me and our family is always from a place of love and caring.
When they finished reading they looked up and just stared at each other. It felt like an eternity to John.
Then he felt Jane’s bare foot sneaking up his left leg as she said, “This is pretty big change for both of us. Do you think we can stick to it?”
John grinned and said, “It would have been tough in my first marriage. We were never on the same page. I’m feeling really good about this new woman. We make one helluva team.”
I wrote a special report for men in John’s shoes. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo by: Flickr/Vizzzual.com
♦◊♦
Steve is not the right person men should go to for advice since he favors women.
Hey Dean, I favor strength, conviction and unapologetic values in men. Sometimes that means giving the people in our life a chance. Or forgiveness. Or support. Sometimes it means letting them go. We can’t allow our minds to get into an “us and them” frame. This isn’t a competition against women. It’s a competition within ourselves to be loving, clear and confident while operating to our OWN values. That’s what I meant in the comment above when I said, “You never have to spend another minute in the same room OR the same life with someone who chooses to treat… Read more »
Flyingkal you ask me what will I do if the man loose all interest in what is most essential to me. I have only reflected on my deal breakers. Deal breakers mean that I will leave . If the man loose interest in what it essential for me I have to look at WHY. Often it happens because has health problems .. A man can have a stroke and after that he is changed. Do you walk out on a sick person ? Tricky question,because some develop addiction , mental illness,…ANYTHING can happen. It is impossible for me to predict… Read more »
Silke, “If the man loose interest in what it essential for me I have to look at WHY. Often it happens because has health problems .. A man can have a stroke and after that he is changed. Do you walk out on a sick person ? ” Yes, Silke, it might be a tricky question. But it wasn’t set up to be a trick question, as you seem to imply. What makes you think it mostly comes down to sickness? Or is your answer intended to point out a significant difference in attitude between men and women, that a… Read more »
Because if a person changes ,totally changes it is often a result of heath problems. Our personality does not change that easily . You think the worst thing that can happen to you is that your women you live with loose the sexul desire for you? Be prepared , because anything can happen to the person you love. And if you woke up impotent,would you not describe that a health problem? I do not have have any data about men leaving women when their health fails, but many say it is so. The wife can no longer have sex…..many husbands… Read more »
On the contrary, I think it is rather common that people change by other reasons. Convenience, for instance. That they stop making an effort, going that extra meter, because they feel they shouldn’t have to or need to do that anymore. “You think the worst thing that can happen to you is that your women you live with loose the sexul desire for you?” What on earth gave you that idea? Oh, yeah, you don’t really want to answer the questions I’m asking, so you start making them up as you go, instead! If I was in a relationship with… Read more »
Steve Horsmon believes women are more important than men. No man should listen to him.
Women like Jane are a waste of time.
If we truly expect nothing, that is usually just what we get.
Steve
One more word about this expression “withholding sex”.
The reason why a woman avoids having sex with her man can be that she does NOT ENJOY IT,
http://jezebel.com/5561021/men-terribly-misguided-about-why-women-withhold-sex
Steve
Maybe we need a new discussion about “withholding sex”.
Joanna wrote about it in 2012 and it generated lots of comments.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/on-withholding-sex/comment-page-1/#comment-2214817
Silke,
Then, how would you advice to try and remedy a situation of mismatched libidos in a relationship, where the lower-libido person actually seems quite content with the state of the relationship as it is, as the desire doesn’t seem to be missed, and also is very quick to divert or shut down any attempt to try and communicate around the matter?
Kyla
I think the idea that a person is “withholding sex ” is outdated and should be replaced with new concepts that show what is in fact going on when one person say “no” instead of “enthusiastic yes”.
Flyingkal
I need time to think.
Flyingkal I am not qualified to give advice to a person that wants more frequent sex than her or his partner. That issue has been debated many times on GMP. We all have different opinions. I remember Mark Greene wrote that how often you have sex must be decided by the one that wants it less often ,period. https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/catcalling-social-psychological-public-issues-and-awareness-and-preventable-measure-wcz/ Luke Park also had a good article here last week. I do not use the term mismatched libidos and I think it does not describe this issue well. But it is fact that women often have a loss of sexual desire… Read more »
Silke, First, I apologize for “cutting up” the reply, but it was such a long post with a lot of points, and I wanted to make sure I addressed them all. “I am not qualified to give advice to a person that wants more frequent sex than her or his partner” It’s not so much advice, as your opinions that I’d like to hear, since you seem to have quite a lot of them regarding what I should NOT do. 🙂 ““I remember Mark Greene wrote that how often you have sex must be decided by the one that wants… Read more »
Flyingkal I certainly do not want my foot rubbed by anyone that do not feel like it,and the same with hugging ,talking ,cuddling,and kissing.
If he never like to cuddle then we will never start a romantic relationship.
And I do not see sex as acts of affection.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it is lust , or fun ,or lots of other things but not an act of affection…..
If men only approached women sexually because they wanted to express their affection then things would be lot easier.
Silke,
Of course, not many people would start a relationship with a person lacking in one or several qualities they see as essential just there. I thought that went without saying…?
However, I was more curious to know how you think you would react, already being in relationship, and suddenly your partner would lose all interest in that quality that was essential to you, and also not have any interest in having a discussion about it.
Your last part abut affection doesn’t really make any sense to me at all?
Silke, As long as there is the belief that sex is owed in a relationship rather than an expression of love, there will always be the term “withholding sex” thrown around (I also find it an offensive term). I personally think that sex drives are as different as the people who have them. Sex drives are fluid and are very strongly influenced by outside factors. I’ve been accused of “withholding sex” because my sex drive wasn’t in tune with my parnter’s. The fact that I was overwhelmed, tired and not feeling emotionally connected didn’t seem to matter to him. At… Read more »
Kyla, Apart from stating the obvious, that no one is owed sex in a relationship, how would you recommend working towards a solution in a relationship where the lower-libido partner either seems content with the situation as it is (including the division of labour, etc.), or is intently avoiding any discussion on the subject altogether? If sex is an expression of love, as you say, then what is an absence of sex an expression of? Yes, sex drives may be fluid, and sometimes influenced by outside factors (Some “shut down” during stress, as you say. Others may use or need… Read more »
So Steve Horsmon does not believe women can abuse men. Offensive.
Hey Jack, What I want MOST for you as a man is to know with all your heart that nobody in your life can abuse, insult or offend you if you don’t allow them to. I want you to have such a strong sense of personal value and well-being that the very notion of someone abusing you, insulting you or offending you is humorous. I want you to take their power away and put it back into YOUR hands. You never have to spend another minute in the same room OR the same life with someone who chooses to treat… Read more »
If you actually cared about men, then you would tell the Johns of the world to leave the Janes, not to try to work things out with an abuser.
Thanks for your thoughts, Silke. Yes, it’s a victory for both of them. I think a better relationship is possible when we focus on what we will bring to our relationship instead of what we’re not getting. This requires John and Jane to OWN their own behaviors and how they create the loving, supportive respectful environment they want for themselves. Everyone has their own internal measure of “abuse”. It is not black and white all the time. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse take many forms. Some women believe a man who yells is verbally abusive. Some men believe a woman… Read more »
Steve Well said! But somehow I hate this expression “withhold sex”. To me that sound like a person that is LONGING for sex with her spouse but refuse to have sex because she will punish him or get some favors. I wonder how often that actually happens? To me that sounds to sick ,manipulative and I can not imagine how anyone can use their own sexualty that way. This behavior sound like the acts of a prostitute that wants to be payed for her sexual service. Maybe this “withholding sex” is a phenomena in real life or maybe in men’s… Read more »
Silke, For me, it means that a person chooses not to have sex with a spouse, for reasons that really isn’t connected to the desire for or quality of the love-making itself. It may not be conscious or strictly intentional. But for me it’s happened far too often to be a mere coincidence. Ex. We are out, and for a change, doing something that maybe she doesn’t enjoy quite as much as I do. And because I could feel her growing aversion to the situation, I start to enjoy myself quite a bit less as well. Then she’d come up… Read more »
Flyingkal
I am not sure I understand .
You felt she desired you ,and said no to sex?
I have no idea what was going on in her head Flyingkal, but since she was as church goer then maybe she was in conflict about her sexuailty?
Or she simply flirted with you by hinting on sex,but never had any intentions of having sex.
Some persons flirt ,and that is all they do….
Silke,
We were in a committed relationship, so I assume she must at least have been attracted to me at some point, and it was clearly rather more than a flirt.
And in Sweden, and I think in most of Scandinavia, whether a person goes to church or not I think has a rather small influence in their sexuality.
Steve
This is victory for John.
His wife Jane asked him to leave the home and the children and he said no. Instead he turned around and fought for his love,his home and keep the family together.
This is a victory.
Was Jane so terribly terribly abusive ? I have seen worse……
Was John pushing for sex not also abuse ?
He pushed for sex and that is also abuse.
John is no angel, nor is Jane.
I hope they can create a better marriage this time.
I disagree Jason. This article encourages men to stay in abusive relationships.
Great example Steve of a couple that obviously still loves each other as evidenced by their brave work shown in this article. They both could have claimed victim status, and allowed the little boy/girl to continue to take everything personally. They both could have continued to react from that place of hurt. They didn’t. Their lists show both have a commitment to being aware of themselves and to their partner. I know this is not a “conclusion”, as they both have a lot of work to do, but as they both continue to grow personally, challenge each other from a… Read more »
Thanks, Jason. I agree that this isn’t a conclusion, but a new starting point with a much healthier set of personal expectations.
If either of them are truly horrible, abusive people their true colors will show before long. Sometimes exiting a pattern of bad behavior requires a person to SEE themselves, their own insecurities and their own triggers. Once he/she SEES the truth, then they must WANT to change.
Only then can we actually make the changes needed to improve our mindset and then our relationship.
Men should not put up with women like Jane.
Men need to hold women accountable. No excuses for Jane.
Jane is worthless.
So John says “I will treat you with love, kindness , respect and compassion…” and Jane , magnanimously, will allow him to (notice that nowhere does she state that she’ll do something similar to him). Sounds like not all that much has changed. She mentions “respect and appreciation because I know how much I mean to you”. Run John!
I don’t understand why Steve would want to try to make his relationship with Jane work. Jane has been verbally abusive and uncaring towards Steve and throughout the whole thing was not appreciative of his efforts. This series seems to be encouraging men to stay in abusive relationships.
Hi Sam and you other guys, It would have been so easy to write a short article where John steps into the room, hands Jane and envelope with divorce papers and calmly tells her the marriage is over. He could have told her he’s decided he deserves better treatment and that a happy, sexual relationship is what he will have. He could have told her that her abusive behavior a sign of her inability to step up and be the type of woman he wants in his life. He could said he’s just not happy and doesn’t feel he can… Read more »
Who wants women to stay and improve things? I don’t. I think people should leave abusive relationships. John is in one.
Why are you encouraging Steve to make it work with an abuser like Jane? Jane is a worthless piece of scum who does not deserve a good man like John.