Victims of the Crime

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About Paul Kidwell

Paul Kidwell is a public relations consultant and writer living in Boston with his wife and son.

Comments

  1. Thank you for this post. There is so much more to say. How rape came between myself and a man I loved, how rape affects my boyfriend and I even now, seven years later. Thank you for sharing this, and for opening the door for other men to share how rape trauma has extended to them.

    I believe by opening these doors, by having these conversations, we can heal. We can work to change the world for the better.

  2. Gwenyth Jackaway says:

    I have long been a dedicated reader of this wonderful website, and I’m thrilled that this important forum exists. This brave piece is an important invitation for other men to share their experiences in relation to rape. But I can’t help wondering about the placement of the Viagra advertisement, right above this piece. I understand that the bills must get paid, but the juxtaposition is jarring, and undermines the seriousness and integrity of this important project. it might be worth reconsidering the use of this particular ad in conjunction with this topic.

    Gwenyth Jackaway, Ph.D.
    Associate Professor
    Communication and Media Studies
    Fordham University
    New York CIty

    • Ads on websites like this are typically randomized (speaking from experience as a web designer). The ad on my page was for Walden University, urging me to get a doctorate. It is unfortunate when that randomization turns up an ad that is in conflict with the topic at hand, but it does happen, and GMP is not to blame – I’m certain it was not a conscious decision on their part.

  3. This made me cry. Thank you for expressing these emotions.

  4. “Neither of us mentioned the rape, but it was there, in the dark reaches of this conversation, gripping us as we tried to move across time and tragedy.”

    Oh. Oh. That is just so breathtakingly conceived and written. It is both beautiful and brutal. Reminds me of Peter O’Toole in The Man from Lamancha playing Don Quixote and uttering the killer line, “spare me your unbearable tenderness.” This last line–and the whole post–is unbearably tender. Bravo.

  5. Although it’s rarely discussed, the impact of rape on a male partner can be significant. When a woman is raped, understandably all concern and care are focused on her as she endures an unimaginable pain. Men, like me, may never understand the depth of our partners’ trauma, but we do realize the importance of our support.
    Yes that is something that neeeds to be discussed more I think. Often times a male partner in your situation would go straight to dwelling over how he should have protected her (due to that whole “i’m the chivalrous protector of women” thing men are socialized with) and as a result could end up creating some of the distance that causes the couple to drift apart. However the little bit of what I’ve seen to address this is not much past, “get over yourself”. That type of dismissal is not going to help much.

  6. Thanks for this post. I think that there should be more support for people (men and women) who want to learn more about how to help a loved one move through a traumatic incident. No one expects that their partner will be in a severe accident, raped, mugged, paralyzed, etc. When it happens, even the most caring people are unsure of how to respond.

    Sometimes, I think that there may not be a way to make a situation better, and people may need help accepting that, too.

  7. Sterling67 says:

    I’ve kinda been in a similar situation. I was seeing this girl and about a month or so into our relationship she told me she was sexually assaulted by her BF in a past relationship but didnt mention any other details. This was new to me so I wasn’t sure wha to do or how to avoid making her think I might do the same (I didnt know much about triggers at the time).
    Short version, I stepped on a proverbial landmine and set off her trigger. I tried to tell her that she had nothing to fear from me (logical and emotional appeal) but to no avail.

    Regarding something said in this article though, if therapy and counselling are ineffective then what’s the point?

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