Jacob Anderson-Minshall talks about feeling like a predator, an enemy, simply by being a man. This has to change.
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In 2005, after decades of identifying as a lesbian feminist, I came out as transgender and transitioned to male. I am much happier as a man, but I have also come to realize what I’ve lost now that I’m no longer one of the sisterhood.
One of the saddest things about becoming a man was moving from a class of people most likely to be victimized to a class of individuals more likely to victimize someone else.
I am now less likely to be raped or beaten or killed. Of course no one would bemoan the loss of being victimized or of being seen as potential prey for the predators among us.
But there is something very sad about becoming statistically more likely to become such a predator yourself.
I first became aware of the magnitude of that shift when I was standing in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of me had an adorable toddler who was staring at me. She was holding onto her mom’s leg with her back to her mom while her mom was unloading their cart.
I have been the object of children’s stares for much of my life.
Kids have no filters and zero embarrassment, so for years they would ask me “Are you a boy or a girl?” and their mothers would blush and admonish their child for asking such rude questions.
But their naive questions were totally valid. The truth was, for a very long time, I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that question, even to myself.
Around the time I finally decided I was really a boy, I was involved in a work accident that has left me using a cane whenever I have to stand in a line. Now kids no longer question my gender presentation, but they are fascinated by my cane and want to know what’s wrong with me.
So this little girl staring at me was nothing new. What happened afterward was.
I smiled at the little girl in front of me in line. She just stared back. I waved at her. She stared at me. I made a funny face. Her eyes lit up. She mimicked my face.
Almost any woman in this situation would have been greeted with a smile from the child’s guardian for interacting with the child. That had always been the case for me before that day.
But that’s not what happened this time.
When her mother realized her daughter had let go of her, she looked down. At first she saw her daughter smile, and the corner of her own lips automatically curled upward. But once she followed her daughter’s gaze and looked at me, the smile on her face vanished. She pulled her daughter to her and glared at me.
When the little girl looked at me again, I avoided her eyes. But that wasn’t enough. Instead, the mom pushed her daughter in front of her, literally putting her own body between me and her little girl.
That was like a dagger to my heart. And it wasn’t an isolated situation. It quickly became apparent that I had become stranger danger.
Now that I’m seen as a man, women will cross the street to avoid me, especially at night. Women will nervously look over their shoulders at me; if they think I’m following them, they start walking faster. Women will hesitate a moment before stepping into an elevator where I’m the only passenger.
And nurses will ask my wife if I’m abusing her at home. Not long after I began transitioning, Diane cut herself when a glass broke. I drove her to the hospital. Once there, she was separated from me and nurses asked her a series of questions, “Did your husband do this? Do you feel safe? Is there anyone hurting you at home? Did you hurt yourself to escape a bad situation at home?”
By changing my name and taking testosterone, I had become more likely to abuse children and threaten my wife. I had become the enemy.
An invisible wall has sprung up between myself and women I haven’t met, and I’m not to cross it. It makes me profoundly sad that I’ve lost the opportunity to connect with women and children the way I used to.
I wonder what it does to one’s psyche to be responded to this way. What does being cut off from half of humanity do? What is the impact of growing up being feared by the very people you supposedly want to spend your adult life with? Can being viewed as a predator turn you into one?
And I wonder why cisgender men aren’t more upset by this. Could it be that they don’t realize that women are guarded around them or even afraid of them? Do they just not know that women fear going out alone at night and that they teach their children to avoid unfamiliar men?
Surely they know that women are raped and beaten by men every day, right? that 1 in 5 American women will survive sexual assault in their lifetime?
Do I only know these things because I used to be a lesbian feminist, because I took Women’s Studies courses, because I was viewed as female for three decades, because I am also a survivor?
One of the things I do know is that, statistically, women and children are more likely to be abused and killed by the men closest to them (family, friends, and neighbors) rather than strangers.
But we — women and men alike — don’t like to talk about that. We’d rather think that such violence only erupts from strangers, especially strangers who are different from us in significant ways.
It’s not surprising that men wouldn’t want to talk about this. Who wants to acknowledge that they are the biggest threat to those they love?
It’s not strange men. It’s you; it’s me. We are the most likely perpetrator of violence against the women and children in our own homes.
I don’t know why violence against women doesn’t make men angrier. Why it doesn’t spur men to action? Why we don’t revolt, why we don’t demand that changes are made so that our wives and daughters are never victimized again? Why don’t more men try to change a culture that often seems to accept or even condone violence against women?
Why don’t more men see rape as their issue? Who do we think are raping those women?
How can we look ourselves in collective mirrors and acknowledge that rapists look far more like our own reflection than we might want?
Although female perpetrators certainly exist, men are still far more likely to be the perpetrators. If 1 in 5 American women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, it means someone you know, one of your friends or family members or coworkers (or even yourself) will sexually assault a woman in your lifetime.
Doesn’t that bother you? What are you willing to do to prevent it from happening?
Why don’t men do more to police other men rather than policing women? Why does a woman being raped still result in murmurs that she shouldn’t have been wearing such a skimpy outfit or shouldn’t have been walking alone after dark?
Many authors have previously discussed the fact that violence against minorities serves as a warning to the entire community that certain behaviors are not allowed, certain boundaries should not be crossed.
Many hate crimes are attempts to put minorities back “in their place” with the “place” often being more metaphorical than literal.
Violence against women has certainly served this purpose, reiterating that certain spaces “belong” to men and women enter them at their own peril.
Even as more and more women enter previously male-dominated spheres, most women will avoid venturing alone into city streets after dark (and those that do are often chastised for putting themselves at risk).
Violence against women — especially violence perpetrated by rapists, serial killers, and other misogynists — are hate crimes. The men who commit these acts often do hate women and they target women as a class, hating not a specific woman, but any and every woman.
So what can men do to about the violence against women?
In her June 2014 article, “35 Practical Steps Men Can Take To Support Feminism,” Pamela Clark suggests steps like giving women space (especially at night or while alone) and interjecting yourself into situations where a woman appears in distress while in the company of men.
Here are some other suggestions along the same lines.
- We can make sure women aren’t left alone in vulnerable situations.
- We can corral our friends if they seem to be heading toward victimizing someone.
- We can cut short any conversation that suggests committing violence against women.
- We can tell our friends how violence against women impacts all of us.
- We can support urban development that creates safe, lighted, and visible pathways with periodic emergency call boxes.
- We can support free public transportation so all women have a chance to get home without walking.
- We can support living wages, so that women are less likely to be forced into dangerous situations.
- Domestic violence is often linked to financial troubles within the home, perhaps because many men’s sense of self revolves around being good providers We can help working class men — disproportionately impacted by the economic downturn — gain full employment.
- But we can also work to help all men find reasons to feel good about ourselves that aren’t tied to our paychecks.
- And we need to cut short all of these arguments that currently suggest men are “losing” (status, wealth, position, power) and that women are to blame.
These are where we can start, but to really reduce violence, we must do more.
Because so many women are subjected to violence by their own partners, we must become self-policing.
- We must become aware of our own triggers and find ways to prevent arguments or bad days at work from resulting in our lashing out physically or emotionally.
- We must reduce our alcohol intake and substance abuse because imbibing in those substances reduces our self-control.
- We must evaluate our own thought processes and conversations and take steps to reduce our own misogynist thoughts and comments.
- We must become better at expressing our emotions, so that they aren’t bottled up inside of us to fester until we explode.
- We can avoid using statements that characterize women as “whores,” “bitches,” “sluts,” or “cunts.”
When Diane and I served as foster parents for adjudicated youth, we parented teenage boys, nearly all of whom had been arrested for perpetrating sexual violence. (Not surprisingly, many had also been victims of sexual violence.)
In the intensive 24/7 program that our boys were in, they learned to see women not as objects or people foreign to themselves but as thinking, feeling individuals with their own interests and emotions.
The boys were taught empathy and how to recognize and avoid their own triggers — including porn. Many of these youth offenders had consumed hours and hours of ultra-violent porn, which had led some of them to believe that women liked to be treated in those ways.
Based on what we learned in that program, here are a few other things that men can do to prevent violence against women.
- We can shut down misogynistic comments from our friends and acquaintances, knowing that violence against women often stems from hatred.
- Especially in all-male venues, we can stand up for feminism and ask other men to stop belittling women and slut shaming.
- We can support sports programs and other activities that channel the energies of young men into positive outlets.
- We can prevent underage viewers from accessing porn, especially those involving violent and rape scenarios.
- We can support mental health providers and work to eliminate the stigma against seeking psychological counseling. We shouldn’t always just “man up.” Sometimes we should seek the help of trained professionals.
***
All of these suggestions are just starting points. Eliminating violence against women is not easy, but it is necessary.
And it is a fight we can’t afford to lose.
Our very humanity may be at risk.
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About Jacob Anderson-Minshall
With his wife Diane, Jacob Anderson-Minshall is the co-author of Queerly Beloved: A Love Story Across Genders the story of their 23-year relationship surviving the transition from lesbian couple to man and wife.
This article originally appeared on Everyday Feminism.
Photo credit: javacolleen/flickr
As for working with guys I like any recommendation that involves working with guys directly but at the same time gives them room for input. Just dropping a list on men isn’t going to help. Walking around with a (metaphorical) stick waiting to whack a guy that gets out of line isn’t going to help. One way lecturing isn’t going to help.
But actually talking to guys and getting down into why they do these things (and I bet money its more than “they were raised to think women are their property”) would probably help a lot.
I wonder what it does to one’s psyche to be responded to this way. What does being cut off from half of humanity do? Half? Hell men are cut off from humanity period. We’re raised to see other men as competition and raised to believe that we are by virtue of our very gender we are a threat to women. And that’s the crux of it. Maybe when men are treated like something other than competition that needs to be defeated or a predator looking for the next woman to violate maybe they will respond in kind. What is the… Read more »
Erin, I liken the current Violence against ______ is similar to the early drug prevention in schools “DARE” where education is all well and good but there is a much deeper rooted problem that isn’t and wasn’t being addressed. Simply saying “drugs are bad and here is why” wasn’t and isn’t enough. I have a relationship with our local HS’s and take some of our guys to the schools for “health class” to speak to the students. On average I’ll take 5 guys from our residential unit to give their history which includes when and why they started, how long… Read more »
Tom love your last sentence. some of the boys I talk to are already as violent or tend towards the violence learnt from their parents. The current social services system does nothing for them – they are left to the police/courts/detention centres. I try to keep an open heart to all of them. It can be tough. I read lots of Erin Pizzey to keep me on track – If SJW had her heart and her brains we would do better at reducing violence. Most people want to break things like violence and abuse down to victim and perpetrator. I… Read more »
Aaaaand forgot to include the link to the comment in question, derp:
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/do-men-feel-the-sting-of-sexism-you-bet-we-do-fiff/comment-page-1/#comment-1578529
Erin, I couldn’t help noticing in this article that GMP reposted in the sidebar from just over a month ago, you posted: You want more awareness to the abuse men suffer? Great. But don’t do it by stepping on women’s heads to get there Genderswap this, and that’s exactly what articles like this do, and what attitudes like yours are doing. When incorrect claims are made about the lives and experiences of men, to bolster women’s issues – like claiming that you’re more at risk of beaten or killed? You’re stepping on the heads of men. When you criticise men… Read more »
There are many errant notions of false collective-consciousness here, so much to unpack it’s hard to know where to even start. When you say: “There is something very sad about becoming statistically more likely to become such a predator yourself…By changing my name and taking testosterone, I had become more likely to abuse children and threaten my wife. I had become the enemy.” You are conflating correlation with causation: Maleness is not the defining characteristic of the subset of persons who are violent; though of that subset, yes, more are male than female. But no, gender is not the mark of the predator:… Read more »
@ Erin @ Diane @ Jacob
Would this be better and more effective if the activities were restricted to boys and they only served food, made cards for, gave blankets to, etc. women or girls?
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/would-kindness-clubs-foster-less-violence-video-wrd/
If grade school children understand that’s not the case, why do some adults have such difficulty?
No one ever advocated for only women to be treated kindly while men be treated poorly. In my family, the women actually do serve the food. You consistantly respond to articles about violence against men and actually talk about violence against men. You also consistantly respond to articles about violence against women and talk about violence against men. But I’ll tell you, it would have been a lot nicer growing up had the boys did nice things like served food, made cards or gave blankets. Instead, boys made comments about our bodies, would kick us in the butt just to… Read more »
@ Erin I think everyone has had bad experiences with people of the other sex when they were children. Sometimes it crosses into sexual violence. Although it’s hard to categorize sexual violence, I would still assert that my experience and the experience of at least one other boy I know is worse than what you experienced and I still have “issues” stemming from mine. “There was a time when we were hearing news stories about young girls giving oral to young boys on school buses. There were no news stories of young boys giving oral to young girls.” Yet I… Read more »
“I think everyone has had bad experiences with people of the other sex when they were children.” The bad experiences girls have with guys are truly really bad. Guys start humiliating girls very young… sexism, slut-shaming, groping (sexual abuse). That is serious. And not even you, adult men, want this to change. You guys keep changing the subject and making it as if guys experienced the same things with girls, like you did right now. “Yet I know 3 boys who told us of their giving a girl oral.” See guys? That guy knows some exceptions! He knows of 3… Read more »
I’m still waiting for ANYONE to give me the stats as to the percentage of men who abuse?!?!?! Erin,one solution is to truly analyze the perpetrators. What I mean by that is to quit categorizing men in general. We can also look at the demographics. What age groups, single or married, do they have criminal histories etc. instead of making blanket assumptions. Abuse is cyclical, Women who come from abusive homes as children are likely to hook up with an abuser. Same as many of the boys who come from similar homes become abusers. But these are all specific aspects… Read more »
Tom, I believe Thomas Fiffer wrote a piece that violence spans many groups. It’s not just in any one social, married, ethnic or economic group. It’s actually a misconception that abuse only happens in low-income settings. I’ll look around for his article. And yes, alot of people who are abused, stay in abusive relationships or go back to them. My brother was one of them. Normal, smart, educated people get twisted up sometimes when it comes to relationships. I agree that there should be additional help to get people the help they need. But all too often, it’s all too… Read more »
I suspect that male anger at women is a HUGE HUGE HUGE problem in our culture and we aren’t ready to talk about that. And that reluctance isn’t just from men. Here’s something I’ve noticed. When a woman commits a horrible crime media outlets and support services will bend over backwards and trip over themselves to find out “what made her do it?”. But when a man commits such a crime there is no similar rush. He’s just written off as “just another man that thinks women are his property”. Even though I think a lot of men may be… Read more »
Oh believe us, many of us cismen do see it as an issue.
It’s just we don’t think that having a negative experience at the hands of some men is justification for bigotry directed at all men.
To WM, FlyingKal, John and Jameseq, How come none of you have shared how what you think about the author’s ideas on how to end hate and violence against women? Violence toward women is a serious problem. Why does it appear that none of you want to talk about it? If you notice in every one of your responses, all of you actually focus on how men are more victimized then women. You focus on the issues men face, implying a level of importance toward them over the topic brought up here. Should that be the issue every-time the topic… Read more »
You focus on the issues men face, implying a level of importance toward them over the topic brought up here. there were a number of topics in this piece. it was jacob who introduced and focused on the issues men face, and used them to spend at least half the article talking about the shock of his mistreatment, now he is perceived as a man. it was jacob who placed men’s issues as the center-piece of this very interesting article. and in wondering why he was viewed so negatively, in the last part of the article, indeed he tied it… Read more »
My comments in the man boobs article were totally valid and were good points James. I won’t get into a debate with you about that article here, that’s not right. And that’s right James, Jacob did talk about the shock of his mistreatment, and then he did something else really amazing. He talked about what men could do to support women! He didn’t turn angry and bitter and just complain about women, he turned his experiences into an action that could be applied to help both men and women. What I gathered from this piece was that Jacob, having the… Read more »
@ Erin “How come none of you have shared how what you think about the author’s ideas on how to end hate and violence against women?” I did,. You missed it because it’s just not something women care to hear. It’s about teaching men to value their own lives. Your life is important. Walk away from trouble if you can. There are more ways than suicide or death to throw it away. Men are also the majority prison population. The question in my mind is why is this a message the majority of women seemingly don’t want to hear let… Read more »
John, you are very sensitive, gracious and willing to talk about violence when men are victims. You support a lot of articles that address violence against men, and with good reason. I just wish you showed that same kind of support for articles of violence against women. Is violence against women a less serious topic? Is violence and sexism against women not a topic we should talk about because men dominate the prison population? What about world hunger? Screw talking about violence against women, people are starving out there. Screw talking about violence against women, there are men in prisons… Read more »
@ Erin “John, you are very sensitive, gracious and willing to talk about violence when men are victims. You support a lot of articles that address violence against men, and with good reason. I just wish you showed that same kind of support for articles of violence against women.” OK, I understand what the issue is. It’s the same thing depicted in It’s not About The Nail. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg You’re less concerned with it actually being stopped than with men showing “proper empathy”. Although I’ll not promise that it will influence any of my future comments, it does give me something… Read more »
And we don’t have to exaggerate and lie about violence against women to talk about it. I will have a serious discussion about violence against women the day people stop inventing bogus stats to support their claim. But for now feminists have a strangle hold on that topic and most men aren’t interested in playing their game. Hell most women aren’t interested either. @Erin, if you want more men to do more for women, go beat down the doors of NOW, protest outside parliament to get VAWA scraped. Men have been told now for 50 years that they are violent… Read more »
John, I personally believe the first step in anything being stopped is having people who are willing to listen and discuss the subject without using other worthy topics as diversions from the original topic. So no, I am not ‘less concerned with it actually being stopped”. (WTF by the way because how insulting can you be to insist you know the mind and intention of another.) And yes, I expect you and other men to practice showing empathy and a desire to discuss violence against women in the same thoughtful way I’ve seen you deliver empathy and a desire to… Read more »
And I wonder why cisgender men aren’t more upset by this. you closed your ears, belittled and dismissed our complaints when you were for decades a lesbian feminist. natal men are used to it. we are used to being seen, treated, used as a plain shod, plain hoofed beast of burden. we’re trained since birth for the role. lived under the policies which you advocated for, before you transitioned, and which are now rebounding hard upon you (and whose ideology you still cling fast to even it as burns your hands) welcome to manhood, welcome to the aristocracy…galley slave. there’s… Read more »
you’ll get used to being treated as scum
I would phrase it rather more gently, but I agree– SJs have elaborate justifications for not being aware of the pain they cause. I didn’t realize the ignorance could go as deep as Jacob’s used to– not just denigrating expressions of pain, but not even realizing they existed– but, oh, well, humans.
There are plenty of men who don’t like being treated like criminals, and there’s been a huge amount of pushback against the idea that they shouldn’t feel bad if a woman crosses a street to avoid them after dark.
I would phrase it rather more gently,
oops, i did wonder how strongly my post was going to be perceived.
i wasnt going for a fullon ice-hockey shoulder charge, but a pointed comment with humour. i actually rewrote my comment and added a smiley with that in mind.
however it looks like i got the delivery wrong
Actually, I was dubious about whether it was polite for me to say anything about your tone, but it was too hard for me to resist. In any case, thanks for taking it well.
I think maybe you’re missing the point John by arguing that men kill men more often. The point is, men need to police themselves better. Stop killing each other too.
@ Diane “Stop killing each other too.” My point exactly. You can’t stop male violence by simply targeting an aspect of it. I was one of the smaller guys in my dojang, about 5′ 7″ and 135 pounds so I was picked to spar with one of the women when there was no other woman for her to spar with. I was fast and strong. Faster and stronger than a woman could be reasonably expected to handle so I held back. I didn’t come at her as fast and hard as I would have had she been a man. One… Read more »
“I am now less likely to be raped or beaten or killed.” Actually you’re a lot more like to be killed about 4x as likely to be murdered and about 3x as likely to commit suicide and about 9x as likely to be killed in an industrial accident. It’s also debatable whether you’re less likely to be raped. You’re probably less likely to be raped by a woman than a woman is by a man, but overall it’s not as certain and if you consider under reporting, maybe even the first part isn’t true. Women are about 20% of the… Read more »
You first spend 3/4 of the article telling me I am the biggest threat to any woman, especially my loved ones, as if I just have no control over myself, because testosterone and a penis.
Then, the first suggestion what to do about it is to “make sure women aren’t left alone in vulnerable situations.”
If I’m really that unpredictable and a threat to her, Why not leave her alone instead?
That’s what I was thinking.
That’s the catch-22 that men are caught up in though. On one hand we are described as the “single greatest threat to women” (the writer here doesn’t say that but when Louis CK said it women and feminists signal boosted the shit out of it) but on the other we are obligated to protect them.
Mr. Anderson-Minshall:
Being thought of as a rapist or a violent criminal without an allegation of a particular incident or specific proof against you? Feels good, doesn’t it? Welcome to Manhood.
I always wondered at how pregnant women are asked a zillion questions– one of which is “Does your partner abuse you verbally or physically?” …I suppose in my head that pregnancy is such a joyous and incredible experience for couple excited about creating a new family….unfortunately, I have seen some of the worst behavior in families after this event…it is so confusing: sometimes people act so happy and kind in public…later, in the privacy of their homes, another nasty cruel person comes out….
Great article…