What do you do when anxiety can attack at any moment?
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by Nichole Lanaverde
It was difficult to breath for a bit. I guess all the stress and thinking became anxiety. Oftentimes I get anxiety attacks at any given moment. Thinking of my mother, even thinking of my father, made me feel stress. Not the situation itself, but the fact that I had made their problems my own. Most days I was locked up in my home. I felt like a prisoner.
My brother began to attend church, for my uncle is a pastor, but I felt isolated from the outside world. He kept insisting, trying to persuade me to join him, and I finally gave in.
First time walking in was frightening as hell. We were a few minutes late, but everyone had chosen their seats and were on their feet “praising the Lord.” I felt all eyes on me, which I’m not fond of. Standing in front of an empty seat, feeling out of place. Feeling that I wasn’t worthy of clapping or standing, for that matter. People there had grown up surrounded by nothing but church, but I was just out of the blue walking in. Of course I knew some people, as they had known me my whole life—being the pastor’s niece and all. But the vibe this time is obviously different. They praise Him, cry to Him, let the whole week’s worth of stress, anger, and even happiness out.
I couldn’t pray or even cry. I couldn’t feel what they felt towards Him. I was ashamed to be standing there, blind. I was ashamed that I couldn’t connect, or feel passionate. It was my first time, and I knew it was understandable I was confused and lost, but I wanted to lose myself in the music, in the environment. That feeling made me go again.
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