Sami Holden, with special celebrity guest Lincoln A. Castellanos, provide this week’s zombie-free dating advice.
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This week we have Lincoln A. Castellanos, also known as Tobias on Fear the Walking Dead, here to answer your love and dating questions along with me. Remember, each month we’ll have a special celebrity guest to provide you with their advice. Let’s get this started!
I’m 21 and in college. There’s a girl I really like and we’ve been studying every day together for a big test we have come up. We don’t hang out besides studying. I think she might like me though as her leg has brushed mine, she’s touched my arm when she probably didn’t have to – that sort of thing. How would be the best way to let her know I’m interested? Should I just make a move when she’s over studying? Do I ask her out on a date? In person or text? Is inviting her over for wine and dinner after our test too much?
Signed,
Slightly Clueless in College
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Hello Mr. Clueless (but Just Slightly) in College
I’ve been in your shoes! What a feeling, right? You connect with a friend and you guys hit it off enough to always study together. If she wants you to study with her she must think you’re smart. Sweet! Do you guys only talk about studying, though? Do you know more about her like where she’s from? Any other personal stuff? Does she know more about you? If your answer is yes then congratulations, it sounds like she wants to get to know you more as you are talking about more than just the test. If she wasn’t interested, she would keep it to just studying. So now what?
The next step you should take is to carry this connection outside of the studying setting. It’s totally up to you as to when you want to do it. Try one of these next nights when you guys aren’t hitting the books. If she’s still throwing those signals at you then (brushing your leg, arm touching, or hair twirling), and you are talking about something more personal besides studying – if it feels like you should go for it…kiss her!
Girls like smart guys, but they also like guys who know what they want. Be the guy who goes for it. Obviously lead into it with slight hints before – compliment her, crack a joke, and really make her feel comfortable and happy to be in your company. You can tell when someone enjoys being around you even if you might be nervous to make the next move. If all goes well, she’ll say, “What took you so long?”
If it doesn’t seem quite like the opportunity to kiss her is there, just come clean about how you feel about her. There’s no point in keeping your feelings a secret. Truth is, if she’s paying as much attention to you that you say she has been, then she in the very least likes being around you. Even for studying purposes, no one wastes time being around someone they can’t stand. I think she wants more.
Be confident in yourself. If you can carry over the confidence you have for your schoolwork to your relationships with others, this will take you far. Be certain of yourself. Just be you! Show her through your actions that you’d be the perfect guy to be with for more than just a few hours a week.
Hope this helps, buddy!
~Lincoln
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Dear Sami,
I met someone online about four weeks ago. We have been seeing each other pretty much every other day and talk non-stop. I find myself falling in love with her. We connect mentally, emotionally, and sexually. What more could one ask for? The problem is that she is recently separated. When I say recently, it’s only been about six to eight weeks since she split with her ex. She had mentally been out of the marriage for a much longer time. How do I tell her how I am feeling while not scaring her away?
Signed,
Unsure Hopeless Romantic
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Dear Unsure Hopeless Romantic,
I’m a huge fan of watching The Bachelor and am in no way licensed to provide dating advice. It’s been a dream of mine to show up on a random date and present the guy with a rose asking if he’d like to accept the rose for another date. If you’d still like to take advice from someone who views that as being a normal option, awesome, keep reading. On that show they often proclaim to be falling for someone and express how they plan to spend forever with them. Based on a very simple number crunching, I’ve found that their idea of forever is about two months. Love is solid…lust is fickle.
How exciting that you’ve found someone that you feel you connect with! I have to ask though – are you a person who this happens to frequently? If so, that might be something you want to reflect upon. This all seems very quick. I’m not saying that it can’t happen. My dad proposed to my mom three months after meeting her. My mom also said no in reply. He hung in there though, and the third time turned out to be the charm many months later.
You simply do not know enough about another person after a month for it to be real love. Love takes time. Love is not this pretty picture that movies like to paint. If you notice, in romantic comedies, there is almost a selfish aspect to it. There are all of these wonderful chemicals flooding your brain during the initial stages of getting to know someone. Your mind almost feels buzzy and damn does it feel amazing! What happens when those buzzy feelings start to wear off? What happens when the lust isn’t there anymore?
I will reference the love I have for my best friends as that is a very strong bond I currently have, and would ideally be the same type of love I’d have for someone I’d be in a relationship with. My friends have grabbed my mucus-ridden Kleenexes from me when I’ve been sick to throw away. It’s utterly disgusting, but that’s love. It’s easy in a month to hide your less than perfect aspects. I don’t do this anymore because I’d rather someone know real me right away, but a lot of people do hide for fear that someone can’t possibly love the real them. Allowing someone to fully know you, flaws and all, is scary. It’s easy to hide grumpitude or road rage. It’s easy to hide drinking too much. There are many things that a person can conceal which might impact your view of them and resulting feelings.
Also, it’s important to keep in mind where she is at. If you love someone, you would pay attention to where they are at emotionally. Can she handle a serious relationship right now? It’s worthwhile for you to know what lead her to be where she is at in her life. Why is she quickly seeking out a new relationship? Can she be independent of a relationship? The strongest relationships aren’t two halves of a whole, but two whole people who add to each other’s already complete life. Another question – why have they not filed for divorce yet? She could’ve mentally checked out, but there was a reason she stayed. It’s important to know these things; otherwise you really don’t know her. I went on a date once with someone who was separated. I looked up on circuit court to find out they had previously filed for divorce only to reconcile. The separation that occurred during our first date once again never went through to a divorce. Somehow I was not surprised.
Lastly, if at any point you feel like stating your true feelings would scare someone away, then you are not in a position to make such a declaration. Believe me, I’ve said some truly bizarre shit to people and they are still around. Why? Because they care and know I’m weird sometimes. Love is about who sticks around when others would bail. Love is about knowing that things won’t always be perfect, but yet it’s still worth it. Love isn’t about words though, it’s about actions. If you truly feel you love her, show her by how you treat her. When the words absolutely must be said or you feel like you’ll explode, that’s when you tell her.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
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Sami, I really appreciate your advice. It’s solid and helpful and shows a good understanding of people’s mental and emotional states. I also like that you’re not just completely shooting down Unsure Hopeless Romantic. Way to be encouraging but still realistic.
Lincoln, please don’t encourage a guy to just kiss a girl at a study session. It’s generally not a good idea and not what a study partner wants. It can also be harassment, especially if she’s not sending any signals.