The modern definition of what makes a man is damaging. Conor O’Shea is tired of it.
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By Conor O’Shea
Because I don’t bury my emotions and I’m sick of being told to “man up.”
Because I hate having to redirect conversations away from which women you’ve fucked, want to fuck, or wouldn’t fuck you.
Because I’m sick of being told that if I support feminism (which is really just supporting equality) that I’m only looking for a new angle to get laid or trying to appear progressive.
Because the female lead on that TV show kicked that guy’s ass while the men hid and you said “what a bunch of pussies.”
Because I don’t want to be defined as the provider and ridiculed if I want to be the caregiver.
Because I’m not sexually aggressive and I’m tired of being told that I didn’t “take charge” enough.
Because I’m sick of you asking me if I fucked her, rather than asking me If I had a nice time on my date.
Because I’m not just a dick, I’m a person. I’m allowed to say no too.
Because yes I love sex, but it doesn’t define who I am.
Because I’m sick of being called a liar when I tell you I don’t watch porn.
Because you ask me how big her tits are rather than what I like about her personality or what she does for a living.
Because a counselor said “I have the mind of a woman” when I scored extremely high in feeling rather than thinking on a personality test.
(Even if this wasn’t incredibly sexist, why would it be a bad thing?)
Because I like to cook and clean and that’s okay.
Because I’m sick of having my motives questioned just for being nice.
Because I asked to wait and you asked if I was on my period.
Because you were shocked when I slept in your bed and didn’t try to “put the moves on you.”
Because you thanked me for asking you questions about yourself, rather than asking for “nudes” when we texted.
Because I chose to walk away rather than fight and was labeled a “bitch.”
Because I am a man and it’s not up for debate.
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This article originally appeared on Medium for Human Parts. Follow Human Parts on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit: Jonathan Mueller/flickr
“The modern definition of what makes a man is damaging.”
Wait, I thought this was the common or “traditional” dfinition of a man, and that the problem with that was just that it wasn’t modern?
But maybe “modern” doesn’t mean what I think it means?
The definition of a man has seemed to be a mystery lately. and yet it’s not. A real man is strong and soft and sweet and respectful. I love a true southern man. Love God. Loves true values and loves the ladies. It’s not about fucking it’s about making love. being made love to is a dream. men nowadays fuck more than they make love. how sad!
@Delphine,
“….men nowadays fuck more than they make love. how sad! ”
Yes, and women nowadays are doing likewise….even more so than most men.
A man to me is a human being first and foremost. he is not a super being. he is a man. The woman is his complement. we both complement each other. a man is strong and weak as the same time. A man should be able to put out if needs be. I’m gonna be honest. a woman need to feel safe and protected! end of story! She needs to feel love and respected! A real man is strong, emotional, soft and dependable. he is not perfect as no one is. But he can kiss ass if need be. he… Read more »
I loved this article. I could have added so many other bullet points too. Its not about definition, its about acceptance as is!
If there was a more desperate attempt to define one self as superior, it has yet to be found on the internet.
@rachel I appreciate the support! @Tim Parsons W The title was supposed to be a little inflammatory or controversial. However, the entire point of the article is that there shouldn’t be a definition of masculinity. Masculinity should be acceptance of anyone who’s a man or identifies as one. @John Gottman Anderson I identify as a feminist because I completely support gender equality. Every feminist I’ve met has agreed that this and this alone qualifies feminism. On the other hand, this article was specifically written to address many of the attacks I’ve received -from- MRAs. MRAs tend to have an incredibly… Read more »
“I identify as a feminist because I completely support gender equality. Every feminist I’ve met has agreed that this and this alone qualifies feminism”
That is a awful definition. Consider me the first feminist to disagree… hell by your definition the MRA’s are feminists.by the same token that s.c.u.m. is feminist.
All it takes to be a feminist is to say you are a feminist.
Conor, Certainly many men don’t align, sign up for, or support the various grievances you enumerate. What would elevate this piece above a list of bullet points (or, worse, an elongated screed) is the definition of masculinity you suppose is currently en vogue. I don’t agree that what you’re listing off (in the negative) comprises by default the current definition of masculinity or what’s acceptably masculine – at least not within the anecdotal circles of my peers, colleagues and associates. Now, I readily acknowledge a sample size of one (my personal experience) doesn’t define colloquial definitions of masculinity either. Which… Read more »
@ Tim W. “Which is why I hopefully clicked on this link to see if you had more clearly articulated what definition of masculinity you were actually advocating.” I clicked on the link pretty much for the same reason you did. I was curious as to what definition of masculinity he was advocating. I on the other hand was sort of pleasantly surprised by the response because it didn’t specifically define a masculine. I was some what surprised that he identified as a feminist because feminists tend to want to redefine masculinity. This is odd because a definition of masculinity… Read more »
As a young single woman, it feels impossible to find a man who is so keenly aware of what is right and wrong. Especially in regards to porn, and the personhood and dignity of women. Thank you Conor for taking a stand and giving me hope!
Nothing inherently wrong with porn.