Some people are just sensitive. The barrier between them and the world is particularly thin, and it allows a lot more ‘stuff’ in.
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My boy doesn’t want to go to school. Every morning I greet the same tight jaw and deep, bracing eyes as he builds a kind of psychic armor—a shield of stoicism and a helmet of indifference. But then at night, when the armor is gone, and the shield and helmet are stowed—I find a very different boy. He looks thin, a little pale, a little worn out.
I used to ask him about the specifics. “What’s troubling you? The teacher? The kids? What did they say? What did she do?” He did his best to answer, but inevitably he would cry, confused, and say, “I don’t know”.
Finally, I paid attention. Close attention. And I realized the source of his sadness is not a thing, an event or a circumstance. It’s his fundamental relationship with the world. I have a sensitive boy.
Some people are just sensitive. The barrier between them and the world is particularly thin, and it allows a lot more ‘stuff’ in. Sensitive people hear more, see more, feel more, sense more. They pick up on subtle things – a twitch in the teacher’s left eye, a distant squeaking sound of a bike wheel, the feeling of a clothing tag on their hip—even the sense that someone is feeling lonely. They pick it all up. And for children, this can be a burden.
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Imagine sensing that your uncle no longer wants to be married to your aunt—and you are 4 years old. Imagine having to pay attention in 2nd grade while the hum of the air conditioner sounds like a scream. Imagine trying to hit a baseball while seeing every bird fly by, every hand wave in the stands, every flap of every flag—not to mention hearing the conversation behind you. It is distracting, to say the least. Most of the time it is painful. I know first hand because I was a sensitive boy. And I went to school. And I hated it too.
But I managed. I did what many sensitive people do—I distracted myself, I numbed myself and I kept most people at a distance. I became entertaining, busy and a little manic. But then two things happened that changed my perspective: I became a teacher, and I became a dad.
As a teacher it became my job to pay attention and notice how my charges were doing. Were they thriving? Were they quiet? Why were they quiet? Why were they distracted? Why did they hate school? And then I needed to figure out what to do.
I read books, I asked colleagues, I tried lots and lots of tactics. In the end, there was one gesture that proved far more effective than any other: to hold the child.
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With my own child, that was straightforward. I held him in my arms. I held him tightly and for a long time. Sometimes I even wrapped him in a blanket and then held him – giving him that much more snugness – that much more surface area being held. This helped him, I believe, find out where he was. Helped him know where his boundaries were, and helped him, at least for a moment, pay attention only to that. When I held him, he could let go of the sounds, the sights, the feelings and just attend to his skin, his boundaries. And this was clearly an immense relief. It calmed him, restored him and even strengthened him. Now we have a variety of ways to give him what he needs. We wrestle, we play games on the floor, I wrap him up like a mummy and carry him around. And he loves it.
Now this wasn’t an option in the classroom. As a teacher, there is not the time, space or really, permission to hold the children this way. So I found another way to hold them – with my words.
I learned that I could speak to the children in a way that not only held their attention but made them actually ‘feel’ held – made them ‘feel’ calm, restored and solid on this earth. I told them a story.
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Stay with me. When I say story, I am not talking about opening up a picture book or reciting from a chapter book or even retelling a classic fairy tale. Those stories have their benefits and gifts for the children, but the kind of storytelling I’m referring to is the kind that removes armor, finds their heart and talks directly to their most guarded selves.
This kind of storytelling requires slowing down, taking lots of time, standing still and speaking like your words are actually a magician’s spell. “There – was – once – a – crow…” You know you are on the right track when their eyes glaze over, their jaws slack and their heads tilt ever so slightly forward. They look like they are in a trance, because—well, they are. They are in the world you are creating with your words. And now you can hold them. You can shape this world so that it is not so loud, so distracting and so upsetting—this world can have soft edges, sweet birdsong and warm tasty food.
Your story can be about a child who finds a new home in the woods where gentle animals take care of him. It can be about a baby bear that is held by his mamma all winter long. It can be about a little mole that digs and digs and finds the softest bed deep below the ground. These images can be like the strong arms—they squeeze and reassure. And when the story is over and the child blinks and sighs and sits back—you may even hear the sweet words ‘thank you’. For you have held him.
“But I have no idea how to do this,” you say. But you do. Talk like you hug. Firm but yielding – and above all, loving. If every word that comes out of your mouth is as loving as a deep, soothing hug – you are solid.
In my work as a teacher and parent, and in my current work as a children’s author, one thing is clear: Without exception, the most powerful and transformative stories always come from the same place—from the parents and teachers who make up their own. They pay attention to the child, notice the flick of an eyebrow, the deep breath out, the look to the side and then they tell a story out of that place. And the children relax because they know someone else is holding them—telling them they are seen and that one day it will get easier. Because it will.
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Photo: Michael Bentley/Flickr
I have twin boys now 19 years old. They are a lot alike and yet opposites. One boy is super sensitive and the other doesn’t let things get to him. I’ve been trying to find ways to help the sensitive guy cope with things. They are both going to college and working at night so they have a busy schedule. He has been on anti depressants but can’t seem to find the right fit yet. He mopes around and doesn’t seem to have much interest in things. Your article sure hit home and helps me understand. But as the children… Read more »
Well Nancy – I recommend starting here: http://hsperson.com/
Amazing resource and very insightful – good luck!
From a sensitive mother of a sensitive boy, thank you for noticing and loving sensitive children.
I stumbled across this by happenstance trying to understand why my almost 4 yr old is so sensitive to his world. I’ve just reached a deeper I standing of myself, and everything makes so much more sense to me now. I am a sensitive adult. I always knew I was different from most people, just thought I was ADHD and that I was an introvert but aspects of that never made sense. This post brought me back to my own childhood and the sick feeling i had every morning before school even though nothing terrible ever happened to cause that.… Read more »
Nice article – it hit right into my work role with young teens and young adults with emotional and behavioural difficulties. When the world is getting too much or when they have reached crisis point, this technique is the only way to save myself and my charges from their actions – I am qualified in full restraints, but my work place has an excellent ethical code in their use, we share the opinion that if we need to restrain a young person, we have failed the challenge. Personally, this calm, measured delivery is the tool I use to verbally hold… Read more »
Sam – great comment – thank you. I received advice and mentorship along the way from several Physical or Occupational Therapists who are thought leaders in this idea of ‘sensitive children’ and how to help them. You can check out Rachel Ross at http://rachelross.org/ and Connie Helms at http://www.balanceinchildhood.com/index.html. I’ve worked with both and am amazed at the insights. Connie would be my first choice for you and your work. Good work!
It’s so nice to know that dad’s are picking up the skills of motherhood and writing about it. Yes, being sensitive to your child is a mothering instinct and a skill that’s handed down from mother to daughter and that daughters learn playing with baby dolls, even betsy-wetsy. Becoming a sensitive dad with mothering skills is developing that “feminine side” of the male psyche. For women becoming objective and relating to careers and financial results is learning to develop the so called “male” side of her self, the hunter, the breadwinner. With gender roles changing, men and women will become… Read more »
I too am raising a very sensitive son (well, he is my nephew), I do hug him everyday and tell him I love him. I am stern, when needed. I try not to give him a false sense of security. I strive to impress upon him to be INDEPENDENT. I will continue to be around of course, after all they are our future…
I’ve been asking the Universe to lead me in the right direction on how to help my son. He is 10, in fourth grade and is having a very difficult year. Extremely distracted, quick to frustration, anger, temper tantrums. I’m on my very last thread of hope. I do not want to put him on some medication. He is a smart boy and can do his work well. I’ve tried changing his diet, considered putting him on Melatonin, making sure he gets at least 30 minutes of exercise a day and he still is having trouble. He complains that his… Read more »
Liz – I’m so glad this was helpful. This article is really meant to motivate – if you wanted more information and guidance, please check out the storytelling tips section of our blog – or email me. I’m always happy to help. There is also a “Sensitive Child” audio book available on the sight if you think that would be helpful.
I have been a sparkle story subscriber in the past, and still get your emails. We loved your stories when I use to commute with my children. It made car time our special time. Reading your bit on sensitive children and storytelling struck a chord. I followed the email link to this blog post and a HUGE light bulb just went on! My 6 year old is a sensitive child. She has always begged, “Please tell me a story out of your mouth.” By this she has always wanted a story I make up just for her. We’ve gotten out… Read more »
Delighted Grayson – so glad for that light bulb!
As a junior kindergarten teacher with a few very sensitive children in my class I found this to be a wonderful read. I am often faced with tears and tantrums from drop off until pick up. While I am pretty good at diffusing most difficult situations it is always helpful to hear other people’s suggestions. I will try these tactics tomorrow and see how they work. Thank you for the advice.
Andrea, if you go to our blog at http://www.sparklestories.com, there is a category called Storytelling tips. There you will find useful techniques if you want to bring storytelling into your classroom. Soon we’ll have a video series too. Hope the day goes well for you!
David, How is Finn doing? And you? What a great stretch you are making into the therapeutic area! So pleased to see this article getting out there!! What I call these kinds of stories are protection stories. I bring them to Peru each year I go, and tell more and more of them in the kindergarten versus fairy tales because a large population in more and more of my classes need them. They are unlke your wondrous tales ,quite short and make for a quick puppet show that actually makes visible an animal or seed being wrapped in protection –… Read more »
Thank you JoAnne – yes, I will look for Smart Moves. We used the zoo exercises a lot. And I love, of course, the pink book – Working with Nervous, Anxious and Depressed Children. And Finn is doing great actually – really thriving.
Hi I loved reading this coming from a Dad (who is highly sensitive) with a 7 year old daughter who is too. Touched that there is male teacher out there wanting to make a difference spread the word 🙂
Thanks James – yes there is much work to do to spread the word. And we sensitive dads have our part. Let me know if you want some stories – I’d be happy to get those to you. Audio stories is our business now at http://www.sparklestories.com. I love it and find that it is very effective.