Yashar Ali believes that having consciousness about the daily struggles of women makes him a better man.
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The other day, my friend Dina was talking about her experiences of being catcalled—street harassment is a more accurate term—while walking around the streets of New York. This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard about the epidemic of street harassment. Many of my women friends have remarked about experiencing and dealing with this kind of harassment and how unsafe it makes them feel.
For Dina, one particular instance of harassment on the streets of New York was cemented in her memory. She was walking alone, during the day, on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, when she heard a man taunt her, “Hey baby, you’re lookin’ good…”
“Don’t call me baby,” she responded.
He looked her up and down and said, “…fucking dyke.”
For the record, Dina is straight—not that it would have been okay if she weren’t.
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This wasn’t the first, nor will it be the last time Dina faces street harassment. She has been
harassed in public places, and on a number of occasions, followed by men. Many studies
indicate that almost 100 percent of women will face some sort of street harassment at one point
in their lives.
Most men don’t even realize street harassment exists as a very real, serious problem. Yet, many women see this kind of harassment as part of daily life. For the few men who are aware of it, they assume the extent of street harassment is something akin to harmless, or at worst, annoying flirting, which still problematic if that attention is unwelcome.
The reality of street harassment is far worse than what most men think or believe. In cities large and small, women contend with comments that range from mildly offensive to disgusting. Beyond being verbally harassed, many women are followed and some women are even forced to deal with the same harasser on a daily basis. For some women, this “harmless” harassment leads to assault.
But I realized, as Dina was telling me her story, that I have never actually been witness to the kind of street harassment my women friends tell me about. If a woman is walking down the street with me, other men generally won’t engage in any kind of harassing behavior towards her because street harassment, like all forms of harassment, is about attacking the vulnerable.
I will never know what it feels like for a woman to walk down the street alone. How am I to fully relate to the pain, fear, and humiliation of street harassment when I have never witnessed its full form and lack the the personal experience of being harassed on the street?
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Street harassment is one issue that plagues women in their everyday life, but they are also constantly barraged with discriminatory obstacles that we don’t even see as obstacles.
My passion and main concern in combating sexism has been about revealing hidden forms of sexism. My fight lies in overturning the idea that women and girls are subject to a certain biological destiny, and revealing what we think to be biological destiny as actually the problematic ways in which we condition girls and women in our society. This conditioning creates a lens through which women see the world and approach their life—a conditioning that itself is discriminatory.
Women not only deal with discriminatory behavior on a daily basis, but they are also loaded with the baggage of their social conditioning. Women face lives that we men will rarely see and never feel. Women are constantly reminded that they are different from us. And while we will never fully understand or feel what it’s like to deal with these issues, we often don’t make the effort to ask. When we do hear about realities like street harassment, we dismiss the situations as just the way things are. Sometimes, as so often happens with street harassment, we diminish the impact it has on women, “Boys will be boys.”
And therein lies the problem: if and when we think of sexism, it’s about class-action lawsuits, wage fairness—the big issues. We don’t seem to pay attention to the minutiae of daily life and the discrimination that exists on an everyday level.
As men, we will never know what it’s like to get to get as primped and ready for work as they do. If a woman shows up to work without makeup they look haggard and tired to us. A woman who doesn’t have makeup on for work is seen as unprofessional.
As men, we very rarely, know what it’s like to face unwelcome comments and jokes from a co-worker and go through a process of deciding, like so many women do, if it’s “worth it” to say or do anything.
We don’t know what it feels like to ask our friends if our arms look fat or to hear comments like “just another ten pounds and you’ll be perfect.” We don’t know what it feels like, because we don’t have to buy Spanx, we don’t have to conform, and we don’t have to combat unhealthy body images coming at us from multiple directions.
We don’t know what it’s like to deal with the burden of birth control. We don’t try to understand what it feels like to remember take a pill every day, to deal with the insurance and associated costs, to confront yearly invasive exams, and to live with possible physical side effects. We don’t seem to realize that birth control is not just an issue for women deal with; it’s an issue that we should also take responsibility for.
We don’t know what it’s like to have our intuition dismissed, especially when we sense danger and feel unsafe. How would we know?
This is why the sexism we have to combat in this country is the kind we don’t even notice. It’s the sexism that we wave off as, “That’s the way things are.” It’s the kind of sexism we haven’t even started to address in our society at large. And because we refuse to dig deeper to learn about the everyday struggles of women, we persist with behavior that simultaneously hurts women and drives the issue of gender discrimination deeper into a hidden underworld.
♦◊♦
My friend Mike gets very frustrated with my writing about women because he doesn’t see a need for it. He sees the way men and women relate to each other in the world as a competition, instead of as an opportunity for us to help and defend each other.
Just the other day, he asked me, “Why don’t you defend men?”
Without the support and care of women, without their consideration of our aspirations and how we feel, we wouldn’t be who we are. Our daughters, wives, co-workers, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, need to understand that a day in their life doesn’t have to be lived alone.
Having consciousness about the daily struggles of women is something that I am still learning how to do. Like so many men, I have been conditioned by our society to think that women are here to support my needs, instead of learning that we are here to support each other.
♦◊♦
Last weekend, I had an experience that reminded me to think about the struggles of women. After leaving a dinner meeting, I walked to a bank of elevators that led to the parking structure where my car was parked. When the elevator doors opened, I was greeted by a woman who was headed to the same parking garage. Given the situation—it was late at night with no one around—I told her, “I’ll take the next one.”
I’m not a saint. I still have so much to learn. But at that moment, I, as a man, made the conscious decision to calculate how riding elevator late at night with a strange man would make this woman feel. And by putting myself in her shoes (as much as I could), I adjusted my behavior accordingly.
This woman knew nothing about my intentions and nothing about me. Did I want her to spend the next thirty seconds wondering what was going to happen to her at 11pm at night? Nope. I wonder if she would have asked me to take the next elevator. I know she has probably been conditioned to think, like so many women, that asking a man to take the next elevator would be rude and presumptuous.
That night, I did what most women do for men on an everyday basis: I considered her needs. I thought about how the situation would make her feel—not because I wanted to avoid a reaction, but because I wanted to support her. It’s just not something men do as easily for women.
Hopefully, my decision was a respite for her. But I know it was a brief one.
Because the next morning, she’ll have to start the process all over again: living in a country— and a world—that may respect her on the surface, but finds a way, every minute, every hour, to make her feel like she’s different from me.
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This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
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photo: queereaster / flickr
As a man, I know that men experience street harassment too. I was groped and catcalled (mostly by older women) at street a lot of times. So I don’t think that it’s so hard to understand why street harassment is awful, it’s not just “harmless flirting”.
You are amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your voice.
Just came across your article, (a few years later), and I too want to thank you for the elevator decision. Everyday, women have to be alert. Safety is always in the back of your mind. (It even makes me question whether or not I should wear heels should the need to move more quickly arise). Not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, I will often stay on the same sidewalk at my same pace when coming across someone late at night. I feel obligated to make them feel comfortable by showing them I am comfortable around them, so I try to… Read more »
I’ve been saying this for years and are ignored by men when I do but when a man says it, maybe people will listen. I’m not having a go at you, I am very happy you have written something which I believe should be part of sex education worldwide, among other issues such as consent and involuntary bodily reactions etc. The way women were brought up to live our lives in fear is so different from how men are brought up that in one way I get why men don’t understand the life of a woman. But it doesn’t excuse… Read more »
Great article. Not sure about the elevator incident. Ive been in situations where I believe my presence was a good thing and created a safer environment for a woman. But point taken.
This is perfect. And a perfect companion to a post I recently wrote. http://onethousandwordsormore.com/2013/05/13/i-will-be-a-woman/
I know this was written last year, but I wanted to say thanks for doing this. While reading this, I couldn’t help but think of my own experiences and how much it hurt and made me furious. I think it’s great that you took the time to attempt to understand. I know you can never fully get it, but thank you so much for trying. It is seriously appreciated. I hope you can gain more incite as you continue. Thanks again!
I agree with the authors points regarding street harassment. But men face an increasing pressure to look good and have a great physique.
Why do we still believe that women are more forgiving to men on their looks?
2 guys in a truck once drove by me in the summertime in South Philly and one shouted, “Look at them itty bitty titties bounce.” I was already pretty fed up with S. Philly by that point, but I remember that day as being especially traumatic. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.
What a great article, this happens to me at least once a day, if not in a car next to me, people on the street, or simply in public places like wal-mart. I tell my boyfriend I am afraid to do things even in broad daylight because I have had so many instances, and he thinks I am living in fear but I argue that I am just being careful. It never happens when he is with me of course, but alone ALL THE TIME.
“It never happens when he is with me of course, but alone ALL THE TIME.”
That could explain it. One guy remarked that he’s never seen to happen and I only remember seeing it happen once in over 30 years. Maybe men refrain from this when other men are around.
“Maybe men refrain from this when other men are around.”
In my experience guys stop physical and verbal sexual harassment when another guy is present with me. All gals I know have the same experience and it’s telling how a gal can take the same route alone or with other gals and be touched or yelled at then take it with a guy and utter silence. It seems guys respect other guys or view a possible confrontation with a guy as more threatening than with a gal.
Nice article, Yashar. Very sensitive and empathetic. It’s not about “men do this” and “women do that” – it’s about trying to understand where each other is coming from. If we tried to put ourselves in each others’ shoes, we’d be so much better off. We would cut problems off before they even start. Thanks for trying to convey this through your article. Best.
Thank you for this.
the thing with the elevator was SO nice and thoughtful of you… it is surprising that you as a male were thinking about this… i never thought a man would think about it… i have been harassed many many times and assaulted few times and every time i find myself in situations like you described i feel awkward and anxious but try not to show it and tell myself that it is just the way i feel and that i am bein presumptious… but then i know from experience that i might OR might not be.. i don’t like feminism… Read more »
The article over all yes I suppose it makes sense to educate the people who amazingly in this day and age don’t realize we are all equals, then you go and spoil it with the elevator bit.
Frankly my wife would be wondering what you were so afraid of if you didn’t get in the elevator, and more than a little insulted that you did it because you though she might be scared.
I think it’s great that you are willing to do something about this. But there’s also a negative note: I think it is wrong to see women as vulnerable and men not. Everybody can be vulnerable. It is true that most of the women are less strong then most of the men, but that’s not the case for every woman. You can devide genders in women and men, but there are so many differences between all women, as there are differences between all men. Your exapmle can be called an action of a gentleman, but I think that by stepping… Read more »
I was going to post a similar comment, but then I found this one. I’m really glad at least one person brought this up. Clearly, Yashar, you are a conscientious person who does have a good understanding of the struggles of the female gender, but in choosing not to accompany that woman in the elevator, you are reinforcing the idea that women should be afraid of being alone with a man. I agree with the person whose comment I am replying to… it would make a much better statement to ride in the elevator and act normally, or even act… Read more »
Lori, I am not a good writer and TBH, I have a serious piece I need to finish before the end of January (concerning constitutional identity of member states of European Union after Lisbon Treaty, it’s goddamn hard). But there are quite a few good and eloquent writers on avoiceformen or spearhead. I am quite sure they would be pleased to publish a piece concerning this topic here.
Has any woman lived a day in their live as a man ? For example: – protecting your female friends and fighting with 3 thugs at once so they can flee; – being told that ANY form of female touch is good and you should love it or you are just gay or something; – good old “women and children first” which results in great men losses during any natural disasters; – shaming tactics when they do not embrace being target practice for every bad thing in the world: ranging from “coward”, “manchild”, “creep living in parents’ basement” to “he… Read more »
Would you like to expand on those as an article? If so, email me at lisa at goodmenproject dot com
Ha. I don’t think anyone would dispute that it is difficult being a man. 🙂 You think that people (women) take your hardships and social pressures for granted – but a lot of women don’t (certainly not I, nor any woman who has close relationships with men they respect and love). Everything you said is true and harsh and unfair. I’d like to second Lisa’s comment, that an article like that would be welcome. On another note, the comment you made about “creep living in parents’ basement” automatically reminded me of “old crazy spinster living alone with her cats”. And… Read more »
Ha. I don’t think anyone would dispute that it is difficult being a man. 🙂 You think that people (women) take your hardships and social pressures for granted – but a lot of women don’t (certainly not I, nor any woman who has close relationships with men they respect and love). Everything you said is true and harsh and unfair. I’d like to second Lisa’s comment, that an article like that would be welcome. On another note, the comment you made about “creep living in parents’ basement” automatically reminded me of “old crazy spinster living alone with her cats”. And… Read more »
I’m sorry to be on this side of your argument, but I absolutely HATE when everybody acts like girls are the only ones who have weight, self image, and . Sure, I completely agree with your statements that say, “These are the terrible problems women have to deal with.” But you practically blindly say that men don’t have these exact problems! Should we feel sorry for girls? Sure. But don’t feel sorry for just the girls, feel sorry for everyone suffering from these problems. I’ve suffered through anorexia, bulimia, self-image problems, and a host of other things not common to… Read more »
You’re absolutely right Bob, men have all sorts of insecurities and problems as well and we’d be stupid to forget them. Men’s Health, GQ and porn can be just as damaging to guys’ psyche as Vogue and related lady magazines can be to girls.
In fact, sometimes ladies have it easier, because we’ve been socialized to talk about our problems to each other. A lot of men suffer in silence.
I admire your consciousness, and I admire the fact that you are a man and are willing to take your “inherent strength” apart to talk about this subject. However, I have a subtle complaint about the words you chose in your post: You say “Women are constantly reminded that they are different from us.” when women are not different from men, they are both different from each other. Men are not the reference point. I’m not sure if you meant it to sound that way. And, you say women struggle every day just because they are women, because of the… Read more »
Great article. Men do need to consider others (both men and women) as more important than themselves. But that is a very unnatural thought. To look at someone as more important than your desires, or wants, even than your own needs, that is love. In 2011, we live in fear. We live in more fear of hurting someone’s feelings or offending someone instead of physical harm. Does that strike you as a little ridiculous. We live in fear of things we can’t see and can’t possibly understand. Even within our gender, do we really understand someone intimately just because we… Read more »
Wow, I wish more men thought like you do!
You wish more men were self-loathing bootlicks with zero self-respect? I am a large, imposing 6’3″ former marine, but I’m not a threat to anyone who doesn’t threaten me first. I shouldn’t have to walk around on eggshells and apologize for my existence by living in terror of the fact that I might make a woman uncomfortable by my very presence. If a woman is afraid of someone who just going about their business and isn’t acting threatening in any way, then it’s that woman who is at fault, not me. Why should I have to inconvenience myself just to… Read more »
Clearly as a former marine and at 6’3 you’ve never known what it’s like to be 10 or more inches shorter than someone and god knows how many pounds lighter. So you don’t attack women, good for you, it really is great but to a 5 foot tall women who has been taunted many many times walking down the street minding her own business, whistled at from cars, endured unwanted advances in the work place and outside and heard first hand, endless tales of women being subjected to sexual and violent abuse, you are scary. Hell I bet a lot… Read more »
I never said being kind is a weakness. I said taking irrationally extreme measures to assuage the (presumed) irrational and prejudicial fears of others is wrong-headed and foolish. For all we know the woman in Yashar’s story wouldn’t have been the slightest bit bothered by his presence in the elevator. He just presumed that she held bigoted beliefs about men, we don’t know if she actually thought what Yashar imagined her to be thinking. And do you really think women are the only ones yelled at on the streets? I’ve had hurtful thinks screamed at me by strangers (men and… Read more »
@ Derbis Being a tall marine, I’m guessing you cope with the problem that since you’re big, people try to pick fights with you to prove something? (This happens to my brother, who, while not a marine, is the same height as you and is in the army). So I can understand you get a lot of flak and it can be shitty, if that is the case. Since it’s obvious you wouldn’t cat call or verbally harass anyone, and you’ve said so, what would be more important for me, as a woman, would be that you speak up against… Read more »
How do you show empathy to men on the street, exactly, since you brought it up? I’m interested to know.
Wild Rebel, it’s not about like for like, what a ridiculous question. It’s about showing empathy where it is appropriate. For women on certain occasions that’s on the street, for men it might be in the bedroom, in the house whatever. Derbis, you write and argue well but I’m sorry, I believe you are delusional when it comes to what life is like for women. It’s easy to choose stats to suit any argument you want. Men of course are on the receiving end of violence more than women because they put themselves in harms way more often. Let’s not… Read more »
So basically, you empathize with the one man you’re in a relationship with, but expect all men to empathize with you. That’s roughly the equivalent of saying “I’m not a racist because I have black friends.” Between avoiding my question and dismissing Derbis’s account, you just proved that you can say what you want, but men are more likely to get empathy from a cockroach than they are from you. You want something you aren’t willing to give yourself.
“Let’s not forget who starts wars..”
Uh, nations wage wars and last I checked, women played a more than equal part in the consumption driven economy of western democracies that propel such nations to secure resources militarily in far flung places of the planet.
Ironically, no-one picked up on the fact that Derbis, a marine, perfectly illustrates the fact that we expect men to bear the brunt of a conquest permitting western women to continue their ever expanding consumption of cheap crap unabated.
Uh, last I checked there were more guys than gals in political decision making. Last I checked the conquest permitted western guys to continue their ever expanding consumption of cheap crap unabated. Ironically you don’t seem to pick up on the fact that you’re protesting the implication that guys start wars when both genders share a part while doing similar stating that gals benefit from wars because they’re consumers when both genders are consumers. If you’re attempting to play the ‘who is more’ then it seems you’ll have to concede on that guys start wars more considering how gals didn’t… Read more »
No, I don’t have to concede that guys start ways. If you want, I’ll concede that men fight wars -and not typically of their own volition. And yes, I’ll concede that men are also consumers and have political power but I don’t actually feel that the obvious needs to be advanced. What is usually overlooked, and the point of my comment, is that women have power, huge power actually, in the direction of the politics of the nation including the wars that we wage. And a good bit of that power is exercised through consumption and the vote, both of… Read more »
Telling that you’d rather be argumentative than admit the irony and rather than not concede because you weren’t playing ‘who does it more’ you simply state you won’t concede and seem to play a who does it more with military force. What you seem to overlook is that gals are also fighting wars. As well as the further irony in stating that I can’t divide politics cleanly amongst the genders while you do similar with the military ala ”men fight wars’ when both genders do so. I highly doubt that women have as much political power as men hence the… Read more »
I’m sorry dahlingdarling, you lost me on “…rather than not concede because you weren’t playing ‘who does it more’ you simply state you won’t concede…”
I’ll concede that we should probably end this conversation.
Not surprising that I lost you considering you’ve twice used an argument similar to what you’re protesting against.
In my opinion this conversation shouln’t have even begun though it seems guys like you will continue to play the ‘who does it more’ bit then fall back when called on it.
There is something I like to add, around the political power of men; men use the “power” to advance his own faction or himself, not for benefit of his own gender. This is what most people, and feminist misunderstand. Its irrilevant if there are twenty or ten thousand men at the governement. They will never or rarely raise a finger for the betterement of the male sex. Why would they? keeping men subjugated as workers or soldiers is the key to power.
As king Carlo III of Naples said, the devil speak to idle hands.
And as for the study you are referring to, that’s just one amongst many. Whether it’s one in 5 or one in 10, it’s still too many to discount. Men hurt women physically far often than women hurt men and certainly often enough that women will be scared in certain situations.
That’s certainly true in cases of sexual abuse, but other forms of abuse have been shown to be surprisingly gender symmetrical, despite our cultural stereotypes. For instance, domestic violence has been found by over 200 studies to be perpetrated by women just as often as it was perpetrated by men. Yet our culture still describes and envisions DV as something that men do to women. In the US, husbands are murdered by their wives almost as often as women are murdered by their husbands, the difference is about 60-40. Another surprising fact given the conversation we have in our society… Read more »
That may be the case (though I truly doubt it, most women don’t report abuse at the hands of their husbands) but either way we’re talking about a specific situation that took place outside, not in homes so it’s not relevant. If you want to believe that women hurt men in homes almost as much as women hurt men go right ahead but you will never convince me that women randomly attack men on the streets. When did you hear of a woman doing something like this – http://jezebel.com/crime-%26-punishment/ You are so vehemently opposed to the idea of women needing… Read more »
Of course the majority of attacks by strangers in public are perpetrated by men, but statistically speaking, the majority of the victims of said attacks are also men. Men are 90% of murder perpetrators and 80% of murder victims. Men are also significantly more likely to be mugged, physically assaulted, or killed by a stranger in a public space. My only point is that “stranger danger,” is massively overblown. Especially by women. Rape is common enough, it’s almost certainly not 1 out 5, but it’s still reasonably common. The vast majority of rapes, however, are not committed by strangers on… Read more »
“Stranger danger is massively overblown. Especially by women.” Regardless of what the statistics are, I still do not feel safe in many cases unless I am accompanies by a male (more true for traveling in countries that are less “progressive that the west) or am in a group. Maybe I shouldn’t have to worry about it, and maybe there are bigger things in my mind. However, when I was 16 and heading to meet up with friends I had an older man who was clearly inebriated try to give my $5 for a blow job while telling me how worthless… Read more »
Really? You last sentence leaves me flabbergatsed. “Men may get killed more often, but people yell disturbing things at women. And that’s worse.”
Give me a break.
I probably wouldn’t being thinking anything but feeling relief!
I think a lot of you are choosing to take this to the extreme. At the end of the day Yashar was talking about a particular situation. Last night I was in the lift alone with a man in a hotel, going up to a bar. Of course I didn’t think I was in danger at any point or think, wouldn’t it be nice if he took the next lift. However, if we had been alone together in a carpark, late at night with no one else around and no one where we were heading to except ourselves then is… Read more »
That 1 in 5 statistic isn’t a product of actual rapes that are reported to the police. Going by that data alone (granted that there is under-reporting), the figure would be more like 1 in 200. The 1 in 5 figure is the product of a study which asked a sample of women if they had ever experienced a sexual encounter that the study author’s viewed as rape. NOTE: That the study authors viewed as rape, not the women themselves. One of the questions these women were asked was: “Have you ever had sex with a man when you didn’t… Read more »
“One of the questions these women were asked was: “Have you ever had sex with a man when you didn’t want to, because he gave you alcohol of drugs?” Do tell how is having sex you didn’t want with a person you didn’t want because of coercision through being given alchol or drugs by that person not rape? Is it also not rape if you have sex with a man when you didn’t want to because he had a gun to your head? It’s not surprising that many women didn’t identify themselves as a rape victim or identify their sexual… Read more »
That was kind of you to take the next elevator, but if I knew you were a safe man, I wouldn’t mind you accompanying me to the parking garage and doubling my safety as I walked among the cars. The woman may have even thought you were strange for offering to take the next elevator because no one does that and it may have made her ponder the situation that she deals with everyday, which has been pushed into her subconscious because it is so frequent. I don’t know how you can let a woman know that you are a… Read more »
But why should it be up to a man to prove he’s not a “bad guy” for lack of a better term? I understand he shouldn’t be doing things to make you uneasy, and it’s completely smart to be wary of strangers (Lord knows I am, I’d be wary of you too if I came across you, which should make you stop and think a minute) but expecting men to show some sign they’re not “bad” is completely sexist. If you say it’s because men are more likely to attack you, which is true, then you’ve just opened a whole… Read more »
I don’t think it’s about proving that you’re not a “bad guy”. I think what Yashar experienced in that instance was the realization that women walk though life never knowing when a man is going to turn to you and say something lewd that you’re supposed to brush off (because apparently having guys yell “come and ride my big dick” to you on the street it just something that comes with the territory of having a uterus) or grobe you, or insist that you give them your number and then get angry when you refuse, or even you attack you.… Read more »
It’s slightly sexist to believe that someone is a dangerous predator simply because he has a Y-chromosome. Switch out gender for race if it helps illustrate the point. According to statistics from the department of justice, black people commit a massively disproportionate amount of the violent crime in this country, for whatever reason. Knowing this, am I still not a racist if I immediately recoil in fear the second a black person comes near me? Am I not guilty of racial profiling and prejudice? Should I insist that he prove that he’s not “one of those black guys?” Should he… Read more »
Your post is pretty much what I was getting at about the profiling. The very first commenter here already brought it up and got summarily blasted for racism, which kind of proves the point for us that this would never be allowed if it was profiling in any other way. And for the people who keep saying things like “it should be men putting themselves in women’s shoes” or “people should put themselves in others’ shoes”: is this expected of women towards men too? I’d be very interested to know how the women here (or some of the men for… Read more »
This sort of response to this anecdote completely ignores privilege. That is, the unearned privilege you have as a man alone on the street at night. The privilege that that woman lacks. The author of this post is expressing his own understanding of his privilege eloquently and sensitively. It’s not about men being EXPECTED to prove that they are in fact good guys or not dangerous, it’s about showing sensitivity toward that woman’s point of view and her position. You can get as bent out of shape about this as you want, but you should know that’s the most predictable… Read more »
Funny you should mention predictable responses, as nothing is more predictable than being told about “male privilege,” particularly by someone who clearly has no idea what life as a man is really like. You really think we can just walk up and down the street without fear of being attacked? You must not watch or read the news, ever.
I also liked your example about blacks and whites in Mississippi. I live in Mississippi. My guess is you’ve probably never set foot in this state.
Wild Rebel, you simply either a) refuse to understand or b) don’t care enough to understand. I hope that you never have female children. Grow up, learn some empathy and get it through your head that this isn’t always about YOU.
There’s nothing like someone attacking you personally without once making any kind of point at all to tell you they have no argument at all.
“You have the privilege of walking alone on a street at night without fear of being attacked or harassed” Actually men are far more likely to be victims of assault in such situations, I am kinda shocked that you know about privilege but never bother to research the statistics on violence? The only benefit men MAY have is ignorance to the reality of life, and in life, males suffer A LOT of violence, crime reports suggest the majority of all violence crime even as a total. I’d say the privilege would be for women, women get to experience less violence… Read more »
Whereas I don’t believe either are “privileged” as far as violence, I understand what she’s expressed to the extent that when males are victims of stranger violence/aggression (usually by other men and IIRC, statistically, men are more likely to be outside walking around or something along those lines), the perpetrator *knows* he isn’t supposed to do this. That isn’t the case with certain violence/aggression that women on the streets face and, as noted, there is the mindset that women bear responsibility for the man’s actions.
‘there is the mindset that women bear responsibility for the man’s actions.”
That mindest is quite common when it comes to sexual violence/aggression. Bit telling how many will fault gals for male on female rape comparing it to car theft and holding her at least partially responsible for being stolen.
Excuse me Danielle, but this is utter rubbish. There is no so call male privilege in the entire universe that protects you from bein assaulted. And if you are a guy, walking down the street at night. Trust me there is a high chance that you get assaulted. Much higher than you get raped by a perfect stranger. Dont be so ignorant, it actually hurts the eyes reading all that balooney.
Respectfully…
uh oh…that was a old comment. I didnt notice the date before I posted. DUH!
@Danielle “You have the privilege of walking alone on a street at night without fear of being attacked or harassed (unless of course, you are transgendered) and until you own up to that privilege you will just not be of much use to this conversation” I will acknowledge that privilege, just so long as you acknowledge that “lack of fear” is a societal expectation of men while we actually endure increased risk of assault. That, as a women, your right to express fear is your privilege and further, that you may walk the streets with the assumption of innocence in… Read more »
“As the original poster said in the first place, women are socialized to think of mens feelings, mens needs, to care for and cater to men.”
If you mean that women are taught that men don’t have deep feelings, are only good if they are selfless, and should be willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of a woman, then I agree.
I don’t believe that a male stranger is more likely to harm me than a female stranger. I’m just aware that I have a better shot at defending myself against a female stranger. I’m also aware that when considering the possibility of rape, I’m more likely to be the victim of a male stranger than a female stranger plus depending on what I’m wearing I just might be blamed for it. It also happens that the majority of the strangers I see when I’m out by myself are male.
This is an interesting question, the one about what to do in Ali’s situation in a parking garage late at night. Give a woman space, or behave protectively or in a friendly way? I’ve been in similar situations, had women cross streets to avoid me, and also had women meet my eye and exchange greetings in similar circumstances. Each of these women, I have to imagine, has had very different experiences that lead her to different conclusions about me, who is a stranger to them, and what risks I suggest to her. Thinking of the other person is called being… Read more »
Actually, there are ways a man can give the impression of being safe. Basically, maximize personal space and mind your own business. Staring forward is normal. Staring at the only other person in the elevator is creepy. Minding your own business by texting on your phone or listening to your music on headphones can also make you seem less threatening. Also, standing slightly forward – not blocking the door or the buttons people need to press of course – so that the woman can see you while you can’t see her shifts some of the power to her on a… Read more »
..and before anyone gets all defensive, I’m not saying that this is what you must do or anything (personally, I’m pretty fearless compared to most women when on my own at night), I’m just saying that if there’s anyone who’s interested in making an effort to be extra considerate, here are some tips.