Yashar Ali believes that having consciousness about the daily struggles of women makes him a better man.
The other day, my friend Dina was talking about her experiences of being catcalled—street harassment is a more accurate term—while walking around the streets of New York. This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard about the epidemic of street harassment. Many of my women friends have remarked about experiencing and dealing with this kind of harassment and how unsafe it makes them feel.
For Dina, one particular instance of harassment on the streets of New York was cemented in her memory. She was walking alone, during the day, on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, when she heard a man taunt her, “Hey baby, you’re lookin’ good…”
“Don’t call me baby,” she responded.
He looked her up and down and said, “…fucking dyke.”
For the record, Dina is straight—not that it would have been okay if she weren’t.
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This wasn’t the first, nor will it be the last time Dina faces street harassment. She has been
harassed in public places, and on a number of occasions, followed by men. Many studies
indicate that almost 100 percent of women will face some sort of street harassment at one point
in their lives.
Most men don’t even realize street harassment exists as a very real, serious problem. Yet, many women see this kind of harassment as part of daily life. For the few men who are aware of it, they assume the extent of street harassment is something akin to harmless, or at worst, annoying flirting, which still problematic if that attention is unwelcome.
The reality of street harassment is far worse than what most men think or believe. In cities large and small, women contend with comments that range from mildly offensive to disgusting. Beyond being verbally harassed, many women are followed and some women are even forced to deal with the same harasser on a daily basis. For some women, this “harmless” harassment leads to assault.
But I realized, as Dina was telling me her story, that I have never actually been witness to the kind of street harassment my women friends tell me about. If a woman is walking down the street with me, other men generally won’t engage in any kind of harassing behavior towards her because street harassment, like all forms of harassment, is about attacking the vulnerable.
I will never know what it feels like for a woman to walk down the street alone. How am I to fully relate to the pain, fear, and humiliation of street harassment when I have never witnessed its full form and lack the the personal experience of being harassed on the street?
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Street harassment is one issue that plagues women in their everyday life, but they are also constantly barraged with discriminatory obstacles that we don’t even see as obstacles.
My passion and main concern in combating sexism has been about revealing hidden forms of sexism. My fight lies in overturning the idea that women and girls are subject to a certain biological destiny, and revealing what we think to be biological destiny as actually the problematic ways in which we condition girls and women in our society. This conditioning creates a lens through which women see the world and approach their life—a conditioning that itself is discriminatory.
Women not only deal with discriminatory behavior on a daily basis, but they are also loaded with the baggage of their social conditioning. Women face lives that we men will rarely see and never feel. Women are constantly reminded that they are different from us. And while we will never fully understand or feel what it’s like to deal with these issues, we often don’t make the effort to ask. When we do hear about realities like street harassment, we dismiss the situations as just the way things are. Sometimes, as so often happens with street harassment, we diminish the impact it has on women, “Boys will be boys.”
And therein lies the problem: if and when we think of sexism, it’s about class-action lawsuits, wage fairness—the big issues. We don’t seem to pay attention to the minutiae of daily life and the discrimination that exists on an everyday level.
As men, we will never know what it’s like to get to get as primped and ready for work as they do. If a woman shows up to work without makeup they look haggard and tired to us. A woman who doesn’t have makeup on for work is seen as unprofessional.
As men, we very rarely, know what it’s like to face unwelcome comments and jokes from a co-worker and go through a process of deciding, like so many women do, if it’s “worth it” to say or do anything.
We don’t know what it feels like to ask our friends if our arms look fat or to hear comments like “just another ten pounds and you’ll be perfect.” We don’t know what it feels like, because we don’t have to buy Spanx, we don’t have to conform, and we don’t have to combat unhealthy body images coming at us from multiple directions.
We don’t know what it’s like to deal with the burden of birth control. We don’t try to understand what it feels like to remember take a pill every day, to deal with the insurance and associated costs, to confront yearly invasive exams, and to live with possible physical side effects. We don’t seem to realize that birth control is not just an issue for women deal with; it’s an issue that we should also take responsibility for.
We don’t know what it’s like to have our intuition dismissed, especially when we sense danger and feel unsafe. How would we know?
This is why the sexism we have to combat in this country is the kind we don’t even notice. It’s the sexism that we wave off as, “That’s the way things are.” It’s the kind of sexism we haven’t even started to address in our society at large. And because we refuse to dig deeper to learn about the everyday struggles of women, we persist with behavior that simultaneously hurts women and drives the issue of gender discrimination deeper into a hidden underworld.
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My friend Mike gets very frustrated with my writing about women because he doesn’t see a need for it. He sees the way men and women relate to each other in the world as a competition, instead of as an opportunity for us to help and defend each other.
Just the other day, he asked me, “Why don’t you defend men?”
Without the support and care of women, without their consideration of our aspirations and how we feel, we wouldn’t be who we are. Our daughters, wives, co-workers, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, need to understand that a day in their life doesn’t have to be lived alone.
Having consciousness about the daily struggles of women is something that I am still learning how to do. Like so many men, I have been conditioned by our society to think that women are here to support my needs, instead of learning that we are here to support each other.
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Last weekend, I had an experience that reminded me to think about the struggles of women. After leaving a dinner meeting, I walked to a bank of elevators that led to the parking structure where my car was parked. When the elevator doors opened, I was greeted by a woman who was headed to the same parking garage. Given the situation—it was late at night with no one around—I told her, “I’ll take the next one.”
I’m not a saint. I still have so much to learn. But at that moment, I, as a man, made the conscious decision to calculate how riding elevator late at night with a strange man would make this woman feel. And by putting myself in her shoes (as much as I could), I adjusted my behavior accordingly.
This woman knew nothing about my intentions and nothing about me. Did I want her to spend the next thirty seconds wondering what was going to happen to her at 11pm at night? Nope. I wonder if she would have asked me to take the next elevator. I know she has probably been conditioned to think, like so many women, that asking a man to take the next elevator would be rude and presumptuous.
That night, I did what most women do for men on an everyday basis: I considered her needs. I thought about how the situation would make her feel—not because I wanted to avoid a reaction, but because I wanted to support her. It’s just not something men do as easily for women.
Hopefully, my decision was a respite for her. But I know it was a brief one.
Because the next morning, she’ll have to start the process all over again: living in a country— and a world—that may respect her on the surface, but finds a way, every minute, every hour, to make her feel like she’s different from me.
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Yashar will be soon releasing his first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.
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This post originally appeared on The Current Conscience.
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photo: queereaster / flickr
About Yashar Ali
The whole elevator thing is absurd. No one who has never committed a violent crime should be expected to wait and take a different elevator to avoid making others feel threatened.
By your reasoning, racial profiling is totally acceptable. Indeed, if a white man is on a parking garage elevator at 11pm, and a group of young black men is waiting for the elevator… should they feel obligated to wait for the next one, just because the white guy expects a group of young black men to be hoodlums? If you don’t think so, then your argument is dead in its tracks–OR it is totally sexist, in that you believe such a courtesy should be extended to women, but not men, with fears (however reasonable or unreasonable). If you DO think so, then I invite your readers to think about the world that would result from your brand of social etiquette.
Michael P, the white man in that situation hasn’t spent twenty or thirty years being told he’s powerless, being told he’s just meat for black men to use as they see fit. He knows that if he’s mugged or assaulted, the first question out of the cop’s mouth is unlikely to be, “Well, what were you doing wearing white skin like that in an elevator in this neighborhood?” or “Why were you out here alone instead of getting your girlfriend to come to work to pick you up, walk you to your car?” or “I won’t say you brought this on yourself, but you really should be more careful. The city’s just not safe for white men to walk around alone. You’re inviting trouble, acting like that.” The cop is more likely to say to him, in a friendly camaraderie, “Man, what is the city coming to these days, scum just think they can get away with anything, not safe for decent people any more.”
The author isn’t saying that everyone should always avoid every action that might possibly make a woman feel threatened or unsafe. He’s saying that *he* looked at a woman, and he thought of her the way he thinks of the women he loves and cares about, considering the things that she is likely to experience based on the things women in his life have experienced, and he made a conscious choice that *in that moment* he was not going to add to her potential stress. It didn’t put him out or inconvenience him, it didn’t cost him anything but a minute or two of waiting in a hallway. He’s not saying he’ll never get into an elevator alone with a woman again. But the answer to ending male sexism towards men is for men to do THIS, for them to look at every woman with the attempt to understand what it’s like to be a woman in this world, and to think, every once in a while, of a way to make things a little easier, even just for a moment.
I used to work in a rough neighborhood, and tried to leave work on time most nights so that I was walking to my car while it was still well-populated. One night, I ended up finishing my work around ten, and was weighing how embarrassed I would feel to say to a male co-worker, “hey, would you walk me to my car? I feel a little vulnerable out there at night,” when *he* said, “Oh, hey, do you mind if I walk with you? I wanted to ask you one more question about the project.” He and I both knew that what he was doing was walking me to my car, but the ten seconds of him thinking how to phrase it so it didn’t insult me spoke volumes about what sort of man he is.
I try to look at those who are different from me, especially in areas where I have privilege (I am straight, white, educated, and middle-class), and think, “What part of their experience am I, just because of who I am, and what can I do to make that better?”
The author here has done that, and it speaks volumes about what sort of man HE is.
I was attacked at a party when I was in highschool by three drunk guys. I was sucker punched from behind and took a few shots before I got the hell out of there. I had a black eye and a bunch of assorted bruises. The first things that were said to me the next day were:
1. What the hell were you doing at a party out there? You had to know something was going to happen!- my female friend.
2. You’re a total dumbass for hanging out with those guys,- a male friend
3. Those kids are bad news. You need to find a better class of people to socialize with.- my parents
You don’t know much about the experiences of men. You make a an awful lot of assumptions about things you know nothing about.
Yes, they questioned your judgement for associating with the group that you did, and they made assumptions about your friends and the area that the live/party in. However, at no point were you told that your sex or manner of dress were the cause of the incident and that you were directly responsible. Yes it sucks being told that you should have known better, but the “you should have known better”s that you received are a far cry from a woman being told that she brought a sexual attack on herself by being alive and having a vagina. You can find different friends. What are we supposed to do?
You are really having trouble empathizing aren’t you? Look the fact it was not about sex does not make it better, men know they are not going to get any compassion no matter what happens to them, that’s what it’s like to be a male. A male knows he has to fight his own battles because neither men nor women are coming to save them. Men have not begged for sympathy because they are raised to suck it up and move on. So when we tell women to do the same don’t be surprised, that’s us practicing equality.
What are you suppose to do, FIGHT. Fight your own battles fight those who disrespect you, fight for respect but don’t whine to men about the fact so many men want to sleep with you because our gender role demands we be the sexual aggressor while women get to passively enjoy all this attention, wanted and unwanted.
Men already have to walk around on pins and needles trying to not upset women, this is what good men try to do, the bad ones just do whatever they can get away with and it’s up to women to make sure they can’t get away with harassment.
so…all people should at all times live in such a way that they never infringe upon anyones fears even though these fears may be totally internal leaving the offender with no way of knowing or perceiving these fears? Does that just seem ridiculous to anyone else?
If that’s not what you meant, then please form a solution to this issue. Form in in such a way that it applies to all people in all situations.
@Michael … Woww u are missing the point … how often is a white man attacked by a group of black men late at night? Or anytime for that matter? Certainly no more often than a black man is attacked or harassed by a group of white men…. and actually, probably much less frequently than that … very rarely in fact. In fact you clearly have no idea what it is like to be a minority. Especially when you consider that 100% of women are harassed and/or attacked by men at some point in our lives, but more likely, many times during our lives we experience this, so often that YES as a woman I would appreciate this gesture … its scary being anywhere late at night. When u deal with the day in and day out disrespect & harassment that every woman goes thru … the bold fearless aggression of a man who knows that no one will even try to stop him, that even if he violently rapes a woman, she will be the only one to suffer consequences .. demonized and called a whore. and I’m no beauty queen. Every woman knows this … none of us are exempt.
@LL
Men’s only benefit is a false sense of security in these issues, men are actually the majority of all random attacks (apart from sexual of course), and I dunno about other men but I am very aware and can be quite nervous alone around strangers. I have more chance of being hurt in an elevator as a man, than I would as a woman if we’re simply going by stats, but the stats for men are actually quite rare to find in media. You hear so often bout 1 in 3 women suffer this, 1 in 3 women suffer that, but how often do you hear something like Males are DOUBLE the victims in reporting crimes to police for violence, I don’t remember any campaign for awareness on tv, print, etc that made adult males be seen as a victim (male children yes under the child abuse campaigns).
Now that lack of awareness and such a heavy emphasis on female victims only goes to make women feel more afraid, and men be ignorant of the truth. We need to understand that everyone is suffering from violent attacks, and even women are committing them too. The emphasis on 1 way streets in these awareness campaigns doesn’t help when their counterparts either fail to exist, or are much less known.
White males in black dominated areas would be the minority in this case, and would feel a sense of fear especially with the negative stereotypes of black gangs. Black males in a white neighbourhood would probably feel as much, hell maybe more fear with the past history of racism. Being white doesn’t protect someone when the majority in the area aren’t white, privilege flies out the window when anyone is alone vs a group. A group of criminals of any race, or mix of races, would scare the shit out of any sole male (or female of course). I don’t want to trivialize the experience of minorities, but simply suggest that there are times where minorities aren’t minorities and become the majority in an area.
There is a myth going around of men feeling so invincible at night and women seem to buy into this. Men are taught not to show fear or emotion, but I guarantee many feel it at night walking alone.
I totally agree with what you’re saying, but I do think there’s a vast difference between sexual assault and a violent attack.
Really what difference is that? I suppose you think men are cool with getting beat down, they really aren’t.
I agree with a lot of what you’ve said, but I think you are forgetting that sexual assaults often go under-reported, for very unsettling reasons.
Violent assaults on men also go unreported. Ask a man how many times he was attacked and then ask him how many times he reported it to the police.
Ask a man how many times he was attacked, then ask him what happened WHEN he reported it to the police (or his family. Or his friends. Or his partner).
Did they ask him what he was wearing? Did they ask him if he ‘encouraged’ his attackers? Did they tell him he shouldn’t have been … blah blah blah and imply that it was HIS fault?
Do the stats on males in violent attacks who DO report the attacks show that fewer than 6% are ever EVEN PROSECUTED?
Please. Really. if you’re not interested in learning HOW to BE a GOOD MAN, then why not just go to one of the gazillion MRA sites and whine about all your poor little privileges being taken away THERE.
Plenty of people will say “what was he doing there/out at that time/etc.” if a man gets attacked. And I find it odd you get on someone for whining when you came to a site that’s supposed to be about men and did the same thing here.
This is a site about how to be a good man, not about how to be an entitled, dismissive creep. Step 1 of how to be a decent human being is to show others a modicum of respect. Why do you feel the need to come on here and deny your privilege? Why the desire to dismiss and diminish a very serious and widespread problem in our society by monopolizing the conversation and making it about you? We’re talking about street harassment. Stay on topic.
You should probably show respect yourself before asking others to do it.
“Why do you feel the need to come on here and deny your privilege?”
I’m not sure “denying privilege” is itself a mark of disrespect to others. Perhaps I disagree somewhat with the idea that I’m privileged, or I dispute the size of the privilege, or perhaps I think I’m highly privileged but in some other way. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my conservative Christian father. I told him I was agnostic. He was shocked that I would “deny the divinity of Christ.” If I don’t think something exists, it’s only “denial” because you assume that it does exist.
“Why the desire to dismiss and diminish a very serious and widespread problem in our society by monopolizing the conversation and making it about you?”
See above paragraph. Perhaps he thinks the problem is smaller than you think it is, so from your perspective it looks like an attempt to diminish it.
As for monopolizing a conversation, I’m not sure how anyone really could do that on this blog. It’s not a microphone, it’s a wide-open bulletin board.
Speaking as a heterosexual white male who is very much aware of his privilege, let me tell you straight up that 99% of the time I’ve been walking alone at night, I felt insulated by the knowledge that I am far less likely to be attacked than anyone else. For one, no-one is taught that it’s OK to harrass and attack me and demand things from me just because of my demographics. People don’t go riding around in cars with a group of their friends, sticking their heads out the windows and yelling at random white dudes. They don’t call him an ugly slut when he ignores them. They don’t get insulted and angry and violent when he refuses to answer, because no-one is taught that they’re entitled to men’s affections. In the rare event that I am attacked, I can be assured that I’ll be taken far more seriously by law enforcement than anyone else would, especially if my attackers weren’t white.
Speaking of which, I’ve been far safer in so-called “bad” (read: working-class neighbourhoods populated by immigrants and people of colour) neighbourhoods than I have in fancy-ass suburbs full of white kids who do whatever they hell they please and take no responsibility for being a decent human being because they can coast by and do stupid frat-boy stunts and aggressive macho one-up-man-ship games until they’re 30 because they know they can buy their way out of the consequences and Daddy will hand them a cushy job once they got bored of it all. I’ve worked in “the ghetto” for the past 3 summers and have always been treated very nicely. The characatured “minorities” (it’s not about numbers, it’s about sociopolitical power… just sayin’ your “well there are more of them therefore your argument is invalid” excuse is flawed) that exist in the minds of racists simply do not exist. I went to a tech high school with a lot of working-class people of colour. Most of the kids where I grew up went to the local “collegiate institutes”. The difference was like night and day: my classmates would be working 25-hour weeks to save for post-secondary and help out at home, while all the neighbours would be drinking away hundreds of their parents’ dollars every Friday and Saturday night and breaking into cars for shits and giggles.
Back to my original point… no-one’s gonna tell me it’s my fault I was attacked simply for existing. They’re not gonna talk about the way I was dressed, and my life story won’t be subject to public scrutiny. Furthermore, I can be safe in the knowledge that the chances of me being subject to sexual violence are negligible. Whereas every woman I know says they have been subject to constant harassment since puberty and some of them even before puberty, by men of all ages and ethnicities. Do you honestly think my 12-year-old sister felt “flattered” by carloads of 30-year-old men slowing down to scream obscenities at her several times a week?
Thank you Simon. I hadn’t seen your post before I posted. I might not have reacted so angrily if I’d read your empathetic words first.
it’s men like you who give me hope
Are you f***ing kidding me?
You think you are LESS likely to be randomly attacked on the street because you are a white male? I can say, on that point, that you are objectively, provably wrong. A white person is randomly assaulted or mugged by a black person at approximately 50 times the rate at which a black person is attacked by a white person. Go to the Department of Justice website and look up the stats for yourself.
I also suggest you grow up as a white boy in a low income, majority black neighborhood. I thought my name was “Cracker” when I was growing up, and I was shouted at on the streets on an almost daily basis. I was also frequently randomly attacked in the hallways of my school for being white. Not seriously (usually), but more often just thrown against a locker and called “honky bitch” or some other such name. It’s actually sort of staggering how completely clueless and sheltered you are.
It’s hard to take your opinions seriously when you are so utterly wrong concerning objective facts such as these.
Everytime I hear about how men are less likely to be attacked, the calls of privilege, I truly do wonder if people EVER read about statistics of violence. As a male, you are MORE likely to be attacked, it’s a fact, it’s in the stats for many western countries. Male to male violence is the most common form of violence, it’s accepted and ignored in many cases as just how men are. It’s expected in fact for many people to be able to man up, defend themselves, to protect women and children as if women are helpless beings (they’re not, they’re actually quite capable of defending themselves if they train and experience a more typically male lifestyle).
Ignore is bliss and I guess that is your privilege, that you are ignorant to the reality of violence on the street and assume you’re least likely to be hurt. It’s also sad that we polarize violence so much, assuming women get it worse, men get it worse without realizing HUMANS get it bad. I hope you never get attacked and get to live a great life free from abuse, I hope this for everyone but please educate yourself because it’s tiring to hear, and quite offensive to minimize and deny that men are harmed as much as they are whilst portraying a women get it worse, what about the womenz!!11 talk.
The articles on this website nearly always make me feel better about men and the whole world at large. I am comforted by the reason and compassion shown by the various authors, especially Yashar. It’s when I scroll down to the comments that I start to revert back to a disheartened state regarding men. Perhaps the men who frequent this website should see the articles, and thus the comment section for them, as a grounds for discussion instead of combative competition. Also bonus points for the institutionalized racism in the comments this time around, guys! You’re stellar today.
That’s sexist! it’s funny how the gender equality only goes one way… I’ve never felt like a tough man, i’m skinny and not athletic, i’ve been assaulted and mugged several times, 1 time by a group of women, who i had not addressed in any way. I never shout anything to girls, and have been brought up in a feminist family by my sister and mother. I get called gay on the streets, girls don’t wanna date me because I’m not aggressive enough, out of fear that it will make them uncomfortable, anyone who claims that it’s easy being a man, either has a totally screwed image of all men being tough and emotionally detached, or just have no ideas about the pressures that you receive both from your peers and society at large. both of which are sexist..
To my mind it’s just about weakness, and the weak are going to go into troubles. By “weak” I mean compared to who you have in front of you, and only considering the image you give, or the strereotypes the others in front of you have in mind.. If you fear a situation, it’s because you’re feeling weaker than the others persons around. The problem is to know if women have been taught that they are weaker than a man. And if men keep on making sexist commentaries on the streets, it’s probably because in an uncouncious level, they associate seduction with showing they have power over women. It’s a society thing. I will feel strange about a guy letting me being alone in an elevator to make me comfortable. Because I don’t feel afraid about one guy. I’ll probably feel uncomfortable with a group of girls speaking loud and showing more confidence than i have at this moment. I don’t like being called names in steet, but it doesn’t make me scared, just annoyed, ’cause i’m not a sex with legs, i’m just human. There’s 2 different things for me : agression, which everyone has to face, men or women, and the sexual thing. But men who are not looking like rambo or such are also touch by that, and the word “gay” shouted as an insult is more than often used to make the man in question feel weak because of a supposed choice of sexuality. Sex is still a tabou, the question in crowd is to know if you are dominant or victim, and sex is a way (animaly speaking) to divide the world between weaks and powerfulls. But I definitly think that as women, we shouldn’t get too scary, we can react to.
Savannah,
I’ve seen this kind of reaction a lot in the comments section of the GMP, so this is in response to your message but not only your message.
The phenomenon: someone writing in under a woman’s name expressing either her disappointment or her declining faith in the other half of the world’s population. From an intellectual standpoint, I’m curious what the point is of sharing that particular information. Is there a goal in mind when you announce to the world that you feel disappointment or disillusionment with billions of people?
If the intent of this kind of message is to generate an emotional response in the male reader, I can only speak for myself in stating what my reaction is. When I read things like this, I feel like someone is trying to shame me or guilt trip me or prompt me to speak out to distinguish myself from other men. This is just my impression, but when I read that a woman is disappointed in everyone with my chromosomes, it sounds like a scolding schoolmarm. What sounds to me like a passive-aggressive approach reminds me of some of the worst stereotypes of the passive-aggressive mother figure.
Disappointment is an internal issue, not the responsibility of other people to fix. I guess I’m supposed to care if there are women out there who are disappointed with men, but messages like this don’t help me feel it. If I had a deep disillusionment with all women, I would never expect any particular woman to make me feel better about all women. (She would rightly think I was pretty childish for expecting such a thing.)
If your relationship with the billions of men in the world is based on faith more than objective evidence, then you are bound to be disillusioned. (Besides, if we’re all alike, then why not just write us off and just get on with your life?) As a member of the set of people labeled “men,” it is not my job to restore your faith in men, assuming that’s even possible, nor is it my job to prevent any “regression” in your confidence in us. Your crisis of faith is largely your internal issue, not men’s responsibility.
Your misandry is not our problem. The issues you have with men are rooted in the idea that they must serve you in whatever way pleases you and that all men are as a group to blame for whatever some men might do. You justify this bigoted perspective by rationalizing some larger mainstream male culture is the source of all deviant male behavior. This is just wrong. You need to stop thinking that way and recognize men have no more power over men than you do.
Men are no more responsible for men than you are. You have to blame yourself equally a free person in our society and we owe you no more compassion or empathy than we show ourselves, and if you have not noticed it’s not a lot. As a culture men are already taught to be nicer to women than they are to men and to show more concern for their problems. You see feminist writing here but you don’t see Men’s Rights activist writing for women’s magazines. Recognize your position of privilege and be grateful men try so hard to make you happy in spite of your outright hostility towards their group.
“Your misandry is not our problem.”
No, b/c you are inured from almost any serious or long term negative consequences of women hating men (which those of us who do, do for damned good reason– your self-centred, petty, whiny comments here being a prime example) because of your male privilege.
Unfortunately, YOUR misogyny IS OUR PROBLEM. It’s your misogyny that allows the systems that oppress and blame women for our own oppression, for the crime of having been raped (the attitudes really aren’t any different from those in Sharia law Islamic societies– just the penalties. And PLENTY of men still murder “their” women for the crimes of having not towed the line or refusing to put up with physical, psychological, and/or economic abuse in the USA and the ‘civilised’ West) to continue and even THRIVE.
It’s YOUR misogyny that keeps the privileged white males in power (politically and economically) to ensure that things never really change for anyone who isn’t in that elite group. Of course, things never really change for most of YOU, either, but you keep hoping that if you maintain your privilege like a good little boy, you MIGHT be one of the lucky ones.
And F**K everyone else.
And when it doesn’t happen for you, why, you have the LUXURY of being able to blame it all on the rest of us, those who do NOT have your privilege, rather than take responsibility for the myriad of things YOU did wrong (and even the things you didn’t do wrong) like US, because you have the privilege of having been told, having it constantly reinforced in the culture around you, that YOU do NOTHING wrong, that YOU are NOT responsible.
Really, you have NO interest in understanding who women are, what we want or need, how our lives revolve around fear and oppression, etc … and YET you STILL want US to care about YOU?
Please. Go back to your fellow MRAs and cry them a river. See how good they are at making you feel better about yourself. It’s NOT our job anymore.
So you’re honestly using the argument it’s okay to be sexist towards men because it hurts nobody? Do you really believe that crap you typed or is it just trolling?
Man, this whole patriarchy thing I keep hearing about is simply amazing. It has to be the most ingenious, most durable, most sophisticated system of power ever devised by human beings. Hard to believe how ingenious it is, considering how idiotic people are in falling for this system century after century all over the world. The same elite stays in power century after century, screwing over the rest of the world, again and again, generation after generation. Brilliant. This has to be the most powerful invention in human history. Simply incredible, the more I hear about it.
Yashar–amazing. You, my friend, are the “real mensch” that women are always hoping the men in their lives, and all men for that matter, would be! You are a wonderful example of true empathy–not sympathizing with someone you feel sorry for, but actually empathizing, ie seeing things through their eyes, “feeling their pain”.
I was falling a little bit in love reading your article, and I don’t ever get starry-eyed about anyone with XY chromosomes! I gotta say, if the world had been full of men like you when I was growing up, I might have been more open to sliding toward the middle of the Kinsey scale (bisexuality). Like most women and girls, however, I have always been aware of my physical, sexual, and even economic vulnerability, reminded daily by men, the news, music, art, movies, TV, books, games, advertising, etc. I have often thought, only partially tongue-in-cheek, “THIS is why I only want to be with women! THAT is why I will never date men.” So, given a world with a long, ingrained history of violence and domination of women, I made a conscious choice, and continue to affirm it, to settle in at the high end of the Kinsey scale (gay–my natural inclination) and ignore any vague interest to the contrary.
Your straight friend who experienced the street harassment and got called a “fucking dyke” for replying to the taunt was probably angry, nervous, offended, etc. But here’s something else to think about: if she actually WAS a “fucking dyke”, as I am, she might have been equal parts furious and really scared, because of the incredible hatred and aggressiveness some straight men (and a few gay men, too) show toward gay women, and how it can get acted out. We get a special blend of venomous misogyny and homophobia and hatred for anyone who won’t conform to stifling gender-roles–and we get it on the street, at work, in school–and sometimes an extra cluelessness from both men and women in healthcare, mental health, legal, and other professions, even beyond that our straight “sisters” experience. Indoors it’s less overt, but it’s often still there in subtle ways.
Thank you, again, for proving that it IS possible for men to think, feel, and act like actual human beings. (I’ve often felt it wasn’t; that men were truly emotionally crippled, clueless, and callous.) If only the rest of the male world had your heart and mind and resolve.
He is a gay radical feminist. As it turns out most women don’t like guys like that to be their boyfriends. Even male feminist don’t get much play, because such self loathing feminine creatures are playing for the wrong team. Real men are the kind who actually like being a man and are proud of it. They don’t devote their lives to what women think of them nor emoting over your often petty issues with the world. No your life is not perfect and you do have problems but so does everybody else.
Now when you become a women who truly empathizes with men, you might see where I, and the rest of these real men are coming from. No our lives should not be all about you.
Right on article! Thank you for writing it. Thank you for listening to us. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being one man, willing to hear our truth. Namaste.
Men like you inspire me and allow me to have hope for the world. If even ten percent of men thought and acted as you did, we’d be living in a different world.
@ Rowan – thank you also for your story and understanding. It means a lot more coming from a “straight, white, educated, and middle-class” male.
Always so lovely to hear of you support for women
on behalf of all women everywhere thank you.
Ooh, glad I finally found you, Representative of All Women. I have some questions I’m dying to ask you about why all women always act a certain way. Do you have a moment? : – )
I love reading these types of articles– they give me a sense that the social norms surrounding both women and ethnic minorities are changing. It’s very encouraging.
Sometimes, though, reading the comments on these types of articles is so demoralizing. I mean, a lot of these responses are just text book examples of the ideas and cultural beliefs that perpetuate marginalization. At least there is a conversation about it, sure, but gosh…
I can appreciate that its hard for people of privilege to imagine that life can be different for others. White women seem to be more sensitive to white privileged because they experience the short end of the stick of male privileged. Generally speaking, I think white men tend to be the least aware of that sort of thing because its difficult to imagine an experience for which you have no reference points. By no means am I suggesting that a white man cannot have an understanding of the struggles marginalized groups face– Tim Wise is a great example. And how painful the realization must be when its had that many of the people you have loved have been marginalized and silenced by you, unintentionally, because of the way you were taught to understand the world.
All of that said, I still want to beat people over the head with a textbook now and then. Ignorance is so unbecoming.
While I can see that the author’s trying to be ‘sensitive’ and empathetic about the female perspective here, I can’t help but feel that this article is a shade asinine.
I can’t ‘be’ a woman, or experience what she does – but exactly what is your point? Armed with this article how can I help my daughter or sister? Should I tell her that the cat-callers are wrong to do what what they do? or that she deserves to live in a better world (of course she does) But cat-calling – like harassment, burglary, crime and murder all happen. They’re realities we live with – we can try and correct them in the future – but here and now we live with them and we need to arm our women to deal with them.
And it’s very silly to keep insisting that women are somehow exposed to stresses about body image that men are not – men have a set of pressures all their own. Male status is based on money, physique, hair and sexual prowess – gender expectations that lead to a bunch of problems women don’t have.
And the elevator example was seriously both stupid and creepy..
Arvind, you have a lot to learn about being a grownup in this world.
Really? Women don’t have expectations placed on them by others “based on money, physique, hair and sexual prowess”? That’s surprising to learn.
Nobody is asking you to “be” a woman. If you think that was the point of the article, then I think you need to read it again. Frankly, I don’t think you could handle being a woman with all the expectations and limitations placed on us. The author is asking to men to find it in themselves to consider whether their actions can be percieved as threatening to women. If you haven’t the faintest clue how threatening if feels to be walking to a bus stop at night or in a poorly-lit part of a college campus or on a side street that happens to be between you and your home then you are not in a position to criticise me for my apprehension. Resist the urge to tell some woman you don’t know how attractive her body is while you look her up and down with that skeevy grin on your face. Decide not to laugh and encourage your troglodyte friends when they do it. Act like a civilized adult and speak up. Tell them it’s NOT COOL and not funny to speak to people like that. Oh, it’s all in good fun and really, the woman ought to feel flattered, right? Or, as the idiotic Ed said, “[D]on’t whine to men about the fact so many men want to sleep with you because our gender role demands we be the sexual aggressor while women get to passively enjoy all this attention, wanted and unwanted.”
Well, I’ve got news for you. It’s not enjoyable. We are not flattered. We live every day with the knowledge that most men are capable of physically overpowering us, robbing us, raping us, beating the living shit out of us. It’s not a matter of failing to stand up for ourselves or being passive and whiny. It’s simply a fact of our daily lives made 100 times worse by the knowledge that if it does happen to us, WE will come out a lot worse off than the animal who did it to us.
If everyday actions are threatening to you, the problems with you, not us.
@Wild Rebel. Why is it automatically a you-vs-us problem?
Most women have had at least one bad experience. Many have had multiple bad experiences. Many have had enough to make them generally wary. As I say below, I’ve been grabbed, followed, accosted, had extremely sexually graphic things yelled at me. It happens with enough frequency that I do stay on my guard, and yes, I often feel threatened. I can handle myself and I don’t expect anyone else to take care of me, but the feeling of menace is still there.
Obviously, this is not the fault of men in general, and I’m not even saying it’s totally rational for women to feel this way. But many, many women do, and it’s a complete over-simplification to say “well, that’s your problem, not ours.”
“Us” was a bad word to use. I should’ve put it better than that.
But I stand by the general sentiment of that statement. If a man getting on an elevator is threatening to you, the problems is with you. Maybe you have a reason for it. But it’s the truth: when people doing everyday actions is frightening to you, you have an issue to work out somewhere. I’ve been groped and harassed before too, but it would be foolish of me to expect everyone to change their lifestyles because of it.
Why are men expected to change even the smallest activities of their lives like this to make women happy? This is what I would like answered.
I see your point. I think the elevator example is a bit over-wrought, tbh. I don’t expect the standard decent man on the street to change his behaviour to suit me. I think he’s doing a great job of being a decent human being and he should keep up the good work. I would like the men who do the groping and harassing to change their behaviour, because obviously they’re jerks with no respect for other people’s boundaries.
To me, it’s not something men need to change, or women need to change, but something that needs to change in society as a whole. A lot of women are scared to go out alone after dark, scared crossing parking lots by themselves, scared to walk past a group of men on the street. It’s a prevalent problem that affects women from every different walk of life, it’s a problem that transcends one or two paranoid individuals. And that’s shitty. Equally, in an attempt to teach our daughters to be safe and sensible, society has ended up demonising men to the point that every man is seen as a potential rapist and a strange man cannot approach a woman in public without being seen as a “creep.” That’s also shitty. So this problem affects both men and women negatively. So how do we change it?
I’ve no idea, but I think the first step is probably listening and trying to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I think the author has made a very honest attempt to do this and change his behaviour accordingly, which is nice of him. While I personally feel his reaction was over-reaching somewhat, it’s still a step in a positive direction.
Okay, I think I misunderstood what you were getting at above. I guess I thought you were agreeing completely with some of the others on here about this.
I wrote a post down below somewhere about this article that I can’t disagree with the sentiment here at face value, but I don’t really like the idea of people changing their entire behavior because some people do really bad things. And I don’t like that it’s always (well, usually, maybe I shouldn’t quite go that far) a one-way deal in that it goes in the direction of men putting themselves in women’s shoes, but not vice versa. Those are my main issues here. I actually do agree it would be a good thing if people tried to empathize with others. I just don’t see what’s being gained if only half of us are doing it. I’m a little troubled by the clear distrust of men going on among some posters here but I figure they are the exception and not the rule. And for the record, this is not talking about simple wariness of others, which I would be hypocritical for talking about considering I’m a little on the paranoid side myself about personal safety. But if someone is seeing danger in simple activities some of us do everyday, they really need to evaluate themselves. People should not be expected to quit living their lives over this.
Yeah, I guess the problem is that women who live in fear are not the exception to the rule. Like I said, I feel like I can handle myself and I don’t feel afraid all the time, but then again, I also take so many precautions on a daily basis that I’m hardly aware of it anymore (and even then a lot of my friends think I make stupid decisions with regard to my personal safety.)
The problem is partly rooted in the fact that a huge percentage women have experienced street harassment of an overtly sexual nature first-hand. But it is also because we are taught from a young age (by parents, teachers, guardians, etc) that strange men are the single biggest threat to our safety. That’s certainly been the rhetoric I have learned from safety lectures etc. So I think that’s why so many women set really strict personal boundaries and have pretty much zero-tolerance for those boundaries being breached. I don’t really know what personal safety measures most men in their daily lives, but with women (from everything I’ve read and heard) it’s cautious to the point of paranoia. But that’s because we are conditioned to believe that we absolutely cannot be too careful. Then again, I also think mistrust of men is ultimately harmful and feeds the harmful “all men are potential rapists” rhetoric which in turn breeds more mistrust and paranoia.
So yeah, I don’t know. There’s a whole narrative of gender interaction that needs to be changed in there and I definitely think the responsibility falls on both men and women.
You seem pretty level-headed about all of this, more so than most people, probably myself included.
It’s a little odd for men to think like this though. You have to keep in mind most of us have grown up pretty much assuming it’s our responsibility to adapt to situations, not have the situation adapt to us. If there’s a situation which makes us uncomfortable or scared, we either face it or avoid it. The more I hang around this site or any gender-related site, the more I believe women, by and large, don’t have quite the same expectations. I don’t mean to imply women aren’t raised to have responsibility for themselves, but there is also a pretty widespread opinion if it makes women frightened, or even just uncomfortable in some cases, it has to change. Women get scared walking alone at night, so society must change to accommodate this. Speaking as a guy who’s a bit paranoid himself, it’s just a little odd to see. I don’t necessarily disagree with you. I’d like to think harassers will stop one day (I’m not stupid enough to think it will, there are a lot of things the world would be better without but will always occur). It seems to me a lot of people here really just want to control men more than anything else under the guise of “protecting women.”
I agree with point that men are expected to be able to handle themselves, while women are still raised (in some cases) to think of themselves as victims. It’s a gender disparity and it’s definitely part of the problem.
I don’t agree with the idea that women are not expected to adapt to situations (at least not when it comes to street harassment and sexual violence.) We adapt all the time. We are taught too. We are expected to. There are seriously so many rules: you have to be careful what you wear, where you go, when you go there, who you talk to, how much you drink, how you get home, you should carry pepper spray, take self defense classes, cross the street to avoid strange men, always check to make sure no one is following you, ad naseum. Also, I instinctively keep tabs on my female friends, texting them if to make sure they get home safe, making sure I know the full name and contact details of their date, calling them if they’re not home when they said they would be. That’s a lot of adapting.
And that’s probably why we get to the point where we don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask a male friend to walk us home, walk us to our cars, pick us up at home rather than meet at the bar. In most cases I don’t think these things are a means of “controlling” men or forcing them to change. They’re small things, but they always should be phrased as favours and polite requests rather than male obligations.
It’s awful that we still live in a world where women feel that they need to be protected, but the fact is that a woman is immeasurably safer from sexual harassment when she is with a man than she is by herself. I do think society needs to change, but society is pretty much equal parts men and women, and change is never going to happen if 50% of society has no insight to the experience of the other half. Practically, I don’t think there’s much more good men can do to help (apart from the little things mentioned above) except be AWARE that this is how most women go through the world. Even if it just means the next time a woman reacts with hostility/fear when a nice guy approaches her on the street, he realises that it’s because she’s had one bad experience too many, not because she’s an uptight bitch.
We’ve gotten so narrow now I can’t even reply anymore…
Anyway, I think you misunderstood me on the “controlling men” comment. I was referring to some of the other comments by some women–and a few men– have made here in saying men need to change our behavior because some women feel uncomfortable. I’ve tried to spin it any other way and I can’t do it.
I didn’t think I quite meant women aren’t expected to adapt at all, but while you gave me some interesting things to think about that I hadn’t before, in a way you actually hit what I was getting at. There are programs on women’s safety, campaigns about it, some places offer free women’s self-defense classes (my college did that once or twice), workplaces have changed their entire culture because women have entered and felt uncomfortable, and things like that. On that last note, it actually goes a lot farther than safety, but since that is what this article is about I’ll stick to that topic. For whatever reason, people are simply much more concerned about keeping women safe. It does go overboard to the point of being suffocating at times, a fact even I as a man can tell looking at it. But the best example is one this article in itself actually demonstrates very well: men are expected to make women feel safe and comfortable and in some cases are flat-out told we should do that. I’ll listen to people’s fears and concerns and react to them accordingly and try not to make people scared to death for whatever reason, but I draw a line when people start telling me I have to do something because of something like my gender (isn’t that sexist, anyway?). That’s an issue I have with a lot of comments on here.
I generally do understand women tend to have a fear of other people (men, anyway) that men don’t have as much. It might help I’m a bit paranoid about this kind of thing myself. If I saw a woman who looked like she might freak out about me I’d probably go the other way for my own safety as much as hers, thinking SHE is likely to attack ME if she freaks out enough. I can’t say that’s ever happened though. I’m not a very big threatening-looking guy. I can’t go my whole life altering my behavior because somebody might be afraid though.
Women should be treated with respect, but men should be hated, demonized, put down, told how terrible they are, how evil they are, and how they are all criminals, rapists, and abusers?
Uhh, yeah, okay.
Thanks for writing this. I agree with a good majority of what you said, primarily because it came from the perspective of a man. It’s a bit of a tragedy that there aren’t more men out there trying to ask themselves the same questions you are.
This article came off as relatively profound because it talks about men bridging the gender gap by making some very basic concessions in life. Should men be more considerate of what women deal with on a daily basis? Yes. Why is that so terribly offensive to so many people commenting? Probably because you’re trying to promote a very different question that isn’t addressed in this article: Should women do the same for men? The answer is also, yes. But let’s consider for a moment that because the equity issues in gender deal with men having certain privileges that women do not, perhaps a little more self-reflection on the part of our brothers around the globe is a bit more of a pressing necessity. If it wasn’t, I really don’t think we’d be talking about this so much.
This article isn’t about labeling people as good or bad based on whether or not they are male. It’s just about men extending some basic courtesies to a group of people in intrinsically different circumstances than their own. Should you catcall women from the street? No. Seriously, guys this isn’t brain surgery. It’s not fun to be demeaned on the street because you have breasts. Why should I have to put up with physical objectification from people I don’t know? The answer is: I shouldn’t. If you are the kind of person who does catcall women and thinks it’s funny, it isn’t. You’re being a jerk, and you ought to have someone tell you as much. Should you adjust your behavior to the point of taking the next elevator? Eh. I don’t know. As a perfectly capable woman, who doesn’t let her sex deter her from walking around by herself at night, I am always properly armed for the occasion that you, the dude riding next to me on an elevator, happen to be a monster.
This brings up another very important mentality. Everyone is concerned for their own personal security. I have lots of guy friends who experience the same sense of heightened alarm when they are walking alone on a dark street at night, because (surprise!) they are alone while walking down a dark street at night. Yeah, that’s reason to be a bit more alert. Probably because no matter what sex you are, no one likes being beat-up, mugged, or engaged in violent capacities. But the funny thing about those scenarios is that the person engaging with you in [pick your violent scenario above] is almost always going to be a man. This is where understanding comes in. So, good men and women share a common enemy, which is that some guys are absolute beasts, and are out to hurt you. All this article is saying is that good men can make life a little easier for all women out there by considering and truly trying understanding how crappy it is to be in that kind of situation. Some guys might understand more than others because it’s not like all the “bad guys” out there at picking off people that they identify as, “that dude who is going to totally break my collarbone tonight.” They pick targets who they deem as easy (which usually includes women across the board), because they’re bad people. Given that, what can you do to make a woman you meet on the street less panicked when she sees you walking her way in the middle of the night? Well, we don’t know who you are and you can’t always go around with one of those name tag stickers with the words: “Hi! My name is Bob and I’m not a rapist” written on it.
I’m not saying go turn down a different ally and get out of her way, or take the next elevator, or change any of your behavior aside from what you (supposedly good men) feel would be right after considering that this woman stranger might really be scared of you. Even if she’s doesn’t think you’re a potential rapist, she certainly is considering if she’s going to have to deal with some kind of advance from you, or if she’ll need talk her way out of something while she’s just trying to get home, or any of the things Black Iris mentioned already about street harassment. The article deals with those issues the most because those are the issues lots of men ignore and accept as social norms. This woman stranger shouldn’t have to subject herself to any advance or harassment from some random guy she meets on her way home more than a man, and yet she consistently does. Women can talk to women until the end of time about how much they wish that would change, but the real change isn’t going to happen until men decide it’s wrong and adjust their behavior. Considerate guys can influence their friends who aren’t quite on board with proper human behavior far than any woman.
Women deal with harassment and personal security issues all the time, okay? And there might be guys out there who do too, but the point is, as a man, why not start acting like you get that and be considerate? In return, I solemnly promise not to make you feel threatened when you encounter me on the street some night. Feminism isn’t about making women better than men; it’s about making them equal. Part of addressing that inequality means some of you guys might have to get off your “nice guy” soapbox for 30 seconds.
If you really wanted women to be treated equally, you’d say he should have treated the woman like a man and gotten on the elevator with her. Unless of course, he regularly skips elevators to make men feel better too, but based on what he wrote he probably doesn’t do that.
Am I the only guy who as a problem with a radical feminist spouting his man hate here? I mean do they get white supremacist to write for Ebony, or a MRA to write for Ms.Magazine. I do respect our sense of fairness and open mindedness but I think we can find better feminist than this to get the other side of the story or better yet just regular women without a gender based ideology built around male resentment.
Anyways I have had this discussed this matter before and good men are not served by being expected to police every other man in the society. If these women have a problem I suggest they organize themselves and learn how to confront these people disrespecting them. If a random man insults me on the street he knows he is risking a confrontation, these women should create that risk for the men harassing them. Men don’t have to come in and save the damsels in distress, these empowered women can save themselves. Changing their response from passive to aggressive would go a long way towards solving this problem. They can confront their abuser, proceed to call the police, or come back with some girlfriends and make a real scene. Women need to pardon the term “MAN UP” and deal with these guys.
If its not worth threatening their safety to address it then it’s not worth ours either. I don’t think men would mind backing them up but to ask us to fight every rude man in the city is outrageous. The vast majority of men don’t do this and think it’s rude, low class, and stupid behavior. We are not the problem and those who are the problem should be the only ones targeted for behavioral modification preferably at the hands of their would be victims.
As with any type of article like this, I have a mixed reaction to it. On the surface, I agree with it. We’d all be better off if we tried to empathize with others. And yet, why is it always completely one-sided? This is not the first time I’ve seen something along the lines of “men should try to empathize with women so they’d understand them better” being said. I’d be willing to bet a lot of money none of the women who above talk so much about how great the world would be if men tried to understand what women go through would ever do the same in reverse. I’m sure plenty of women would do it, but probably not the ones who make comments like we see above. It’s always a one-sided affair. Wouldn’t it be better if we all tried to empathize with each other rather than only holding certain members of society to that standard? It would certainly be more equal, and I always though equality was the ultimate goal.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m willing to try to empathize with what women go through in life. I just wonder how many of them are willing to do the same for me. Especially the ones that talk about equality all the time.
I should’ve put this in the last post. Before anyone comes and replies to this saying my last post is off-topic for asking about men, please check and notice you are, in fact, commenting on a site about men.
Wild Rebel – I agree completely with everything you’ve said. While every woman would appreciate empathy from men, empathy does go both ways. I’m tired of us being painted as victims, and men being told to look out for us all the time. A large number of those who strive for gender equality need to realize that women aren’t the only ones who suffer.
Great comment. I wish I could have even half of your eloquency.
Men are learning; not all and not all at once but slowly the realisation that the most threatening creature to a man is a feminist, is starting to take hold. The reason entering the lift was a good choice was not because the woman might be frightened, it was for the protection of the man. All it takes is her hysterical “he tried to rape me” accusation and the man’s future is hosed, even when it is proved to be a false allegation.
Even furthering your demonstrations on how women face discomfort and unfairness everyday: putting myself in the elevator woman’s shoes, if my elevator opened to a man who told me he’d “take the next one,” I personally would feel as if he didn’t want to ride in the elevator with me—like I was ugly, smelly or awkward-looking. Why doesn’t this man want to ride in the elevator with me? I’d take it more as a jab to my confidence than a gesture to my comfort. Either way, a woman in this situation would be somehow mildly harmed.
Great article, I really appreciate people like you who recognize all this ‘beneath the surface’ inequality that goes on every single day,
It’s a sweet thought, but I think it’s taken a bit far. I don’t know your life and I don’t want to be putting you in a situation where you feel afraid that you’ll make me afraid. Just get on the darn elevator. You might have had a bad day at work and just want to get out of there. You might be excited about home to your favorite tv show, your glass of wine, girlfriend, or the game you saved quickly before heading off to work. Please don’t let your fear of my fear dictate how you live your life. Maybe we would have missed out on conversation, a business opportunity–even an awkward smile.
As a ‘good man,’ you do have the responsibility to not assault, harass, objectify, or judge me in ways you wouldn’t judge men. You don’t need to inconvenience yourself to this extent. I’m also with Anna in that if a guy took a look at me, then decided to take the next elevator…I’d get a little concerned about my appearance, hygiene, or awkwardness. Then I’d go off and wonder if I’d somehow offended him in a previous interaction. The thought is very considerate and unselfish, but not necessary in most situations, I believe. And this is coming from someone who has dealt with a LOT of street harassment and abuse. Here’s a part of my previous post:
“I’ve been been followed home after a bus stop, proposed marriage by a weird and creepy stranger, been locked in a convenience store by a drugged up clerk, had pictures taken directly of me at the beach without my consent, had my ass grabbed out of nowhere, had penises aggressively flashed to me, and been stopped on the street and on trains when I had places to be or things to do–then called a bitch/dyke/whore when I didn’t respond kindly. None of those are exaggerations. I could probably think of more situations, and that doesn’t include ones that deal with people I know and like making rape jokes or offensive comments about other women in my company. I’m not going to let my experiences affect the rest of my life, but they weren’t too pleasant, either. These aren’t imaginary situations made up by random feminists, though. It doesn’t hurt men to take a look at them and to at least recognize that they happen.”
I agree with this comment! The thought behind this article is very considerate and unselfish, and I do believe the best way to move towards equality is to make an honest attempt to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I’m a woman, but I’m also white, straight and middle-class. There’s a lot about being black or gay or below the bread-line that I don’t understand, but the best thing I can do about it is not to dismiss the experiences of those who and do my best to understand the extent to which I don’t understand. It’s admirable that Yashar is making an attempt to do that on a daily basis and with regard to some of the smaller shit that women have to deal with.
That said, I think there’s such thing as going too far in the opposite direction. I don’t care if you get in an elevator with me, as long as you don’t go on to make me feel threatened or vulnerable. Like the commenter, I’ve been harassed plenty, but I have no intention of living in fear because of this. I don’t think of myself as a victim, and I don’t want to be treated like one.
That said, with regard to street harassment in particular, being yelled at, flashed, asked how big my tits are, followed, accosted and grabbed when I’m out and about is (as far as I know) a uniquely female experience. Even though I’ve developed a pretty thick skin at this point, it still feels gross and particularly lewd or forceful incidents can still upset me. Good men don’t this, so it’s not really their responsibility to stop it, but it is important for men to acknowledge that it IS a valid experience, it is different from the way most men go through the world and it is worth being aware that it happens, even for the simple reason that it makes women’s reactions to certain situations make more sense.
I Don’t Think This Has Anything To Do About Race, Or All The What Ifs. But I Want To Say That I Loved This Article, As A Young Woman Who Has Experienced Street Harassment And Sexual Harassment, This Article Made Be Feel Less Alone, And Finally Understood.
Thank You. (:
I think the true message of this article got lost, or misplaced somehow. I think what he was really trying to say is that women can suffer from gender prejudices and gender specific ordeals. Though like BOTH sexes, we should try to gain some insight into just how devastating some of these ordeals can be for either sex. As a woman, I want to be equal to a man, not have him sympathize with my weaknesses and faults. That only makes me feel less superior. No, I do not need a man to stand up for me. No, I am not afraid to speak my mind and exercise my freedom by speech by telling some asshole how I really feel about him. No, I don’t need a man to take the next elevator because he deems me too fragile to share it with him. However, that being said, it IS true, in some of my own personal experience, that men can feel women aren’t as qualified to be as successful as they are. As much as I hate egotistical man-whores (and trust me, I’ve been well aquatinted with far too many in my years), I can’t help but place partial blame on the women that allow men to develop these ideas in the first place. Woman, like men, are capable of making their own decisions, and having their own thoughts. If we allow men to have this perspective of us, than perhaps we should try to evaluate why this is happening, instead of simply placing blame (“he’s a man, all men are evil”). When I see women who expose themselves or leave themselves open to become stereotypes, how can some men not make generalizations? Just like there are men out there giving men a bad name, there are also women out there giving women a bad name. At the end of the day, all I expect of my partner is to be equally as understanding to my stresses, as I am to his. We are ALL human beings, and we all suffer our own personal dilemmas. I refuse to become a target and admit to being the “weaker sex” when I don’t feel thats the reality. Women allow themselves to be deemed the weaker sex when we don’t stand up for ourselves, and refuse to deal with the current realities of our world (I can’t change them, I can only cope the best way I see fit). No ones life (man or woman) is perfect, but best believe if I feel I am being singled out due to my gender, I will speak up. All women should if they feel this way; whether its in a classroom, a work environment, a personal environment, whatever! Bottom line is this: I’m not afraid of men, and men don’t need to walk on pins and needles around me and my feelings, we’ll be just fine thank you very much. I am woman, here me roar.
This is a great article and something I have been talking to my girlfriends about a lot lately. It seems to me that whilst we can all, (women and men) aspire to treating women better and understand the realities they face on a daily basis there’s just so much work to be done changing social conditioning that I fear it’s a lost cause. Not that we shouldn’t try but boy am I glad I had three boys and no girls. When I was first pregnant I used to wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night worrying I would have a girl. How do you raise a girl in such a way that she can have self esteem, be successful and happy despite knowing that 90% of men will consider her less (if at all) if she is not attractive?
I loved that Yashar acknowledges that women too have a part to play in this. Yes men have been socialized to treat women a certain way, to judge them on their looks paying more attention to better looking women, to think it’s their right to watch porn or go to strip clubs if their wife’s boobs are not what they used to be, to rate women based on whether they’d ‘do them’ or not. But women too play into this. We have not only been conditioned to expect this bad behaviour from men but we facilitate it. We allow people to judge us on our looks, we compete with other women to see who can get their bodies back fastest after babies, who can be prettiest on their wedding day, who can hold back the clock the best but we never demand the same of men. Where are the articles by women saying they had an affair because their husband went bald or gained 20 pounds? We don’t expect men on tv to have smooth faces, plump lips and thin bodies yet we do women.
In a nutshell women have to live up to the high standards placed on them by a society that constantly tells them they are not good enough as they are. They have to be smart, thin, attractive and young and if you’re not all of those things you’re not anything. If you’re a man you can be successful despite being ugly, fat and bald. Good luck finding many women who are all of those things.
Personally, I loved that Yashar took the next elevator. One kind gesture makes up for 100 bad ones and re-instills my belief that there are some good men (my husband included) out there despite their conditioning to be anything but good. Until you have been a woman alone in a lift with a strange man in the middle of the night don’t tell me he shouldn’t have done it.
The elevator incident is marginal. Still, being locked in a small room with a strange guy could be upsetting, especially if the surroundings are void of others who might help.
It is considerate to use the same kind of thinking in other situations. In the same situation, perhaps a guy in reasonable condition could take the stairs and get there about the same time. He could walk to his car by a route that didn’t have him following the woman.
He can cross the street when approaching a woman from the front, or overtaking her from the rear.
Eye contact with a quick nod, then attending to something else is better than ignoring the woman in the hypothetical elevator entirely, which could impress the woman as creepy and possibly dangerous. In other words, a guy can make small adjustments to whatever he’s doing if whatever he’s doing is is similar to that of a potential aggressor. It’s considerate, makes sense, and isn’t any more inconvenient than letting somebody out of a parking lot into traffic. Why not? And if it looks as if there may be an issue–catcalling, for example–a guy in the vicinity can simply be visible to the woman so she knows somebody’s around, in case anything happens. If nothing happens, 99% of the time, maybe the action was reassuring. I have heard anything of a sexual nature aimed at a woman at work only once in my life. A young guy told a woman staff person that she ought to apply to Playboy. He was gone by the next time I visited that office, less than a month. No idea what happened, but I could guess. Guys talking to other guys about women without women around doesn’t count, since a woman wouldn’t know about it. It’s a different subject and not relevant here.